Foreign funeral tycoon in Carrow Road takeover

A billionaire French funeral tycoon has stunned Norfolk by staging a succussful takeover of Norwich City’s Carrow Road stadium.

The boutique funeral chain, Prêt à Creuser was desperate to expand into the UK and had been searching for a suitable site to host its services.

But the choice of Carrow Road, which once played host to top-flight football, has taken the sporting world by surprise.

Flambouyant chairman of Prêt à Creuser, Graham Reaper said: “The ground is filled almost to capacity every week. Indeed, fans of Norwich City Football Club tell me there are over 500,000 of them at every game!

“I couldn’t believe that such an enormous body of people could remain silent for so long, so I just had to pay a visit myself. It was so very relaxing; I’ve not enjoyed such a peaceful experience in a long time.”

Norwich fans have been quieter than usual lately

Mr Reaper added: “I realise this takeover may ruffle a few feathers. So it got me thinking, how wonderful it would be if we could reward these same, loyal customers by paying them to attend our funeral services as mourners. It would certainly provide great comfort to close family members, and friends of the deceased.”

Joan Cabin, who lives opposite the stadium, thinks it’s a great idea. “It certainly makes sense,” she said. “I’ve only ever heard a noise from within the stadium once in my entire life, when I was awoken one breezy night by what can only be described as an almighty ‘CLANG!’. I was startled, I can tell you!

“Police were there throughout the night, but fortunately it turned out to be nothing serious. They discovered that a door had been left open, and a gust of wind had blown through the trophy room, dislodging a tiny, long-forgotten tin pot.”

However, Nathan Grip, also of Carrow Road, claims he heard a different noise. “It chilled me to the bone,” he said. “It was a wailing noise, unlike anything I’ve heard before. It was around 8.30pm, and I can only describe it as sounding like a banshee in its death throes. I even climbed up to peer over the gate!

“Well, what I saw was truly frightening, I can only describe it as an hysterical behemoth. It was standing in the middle of the pitch wearing a dress and a green and yellow scarf, shrieking and screeching at the silent, stunned onlookers, oblivious to the world around it. I’m certain it wasn’t human.”

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Mr Reaper concluded: “That evening has echoes of the famous Rendlesham Forest UFO incident in Suffolk. It has gone down in folklore around these parts, so we feel it’s only right to commemorate it. When we finally transform the stadium, Carrow Road will be renamed Letsby Avenue, in memory of an unforgettable slice of local history.”

As we went to press, fans were too quiet to comment.

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