BLACKPOOL, ENGLAND – The bawdy seaside town of Blackpool woke up to a terrifying, yet delicious nightmare yesterday morning as a gargantuan croissant launched a surprise attack on its citizens.
By Doug Trench, Defence Editor
Eyewitnesses reported that the colossal pastry, measuring approximately 50 feet in length, descended upon the promenade with all the subtlety of a hairy-chested, French lounge lizard.
Local bakeries were quick to distance themselves from the attack, instead pointing their fingers squarely at the French. “We’ve never baked anything bigger than a jumbo-sized pain au chocolat,” declared Phil Brick. Manager of Greggs in the town centre, “This has ‘boulangerie’ written all over it.”
Townsfolk, initially amused by the continental menace, soon found themselves in a sticky situation. As the croissant unleashed a torrent of strawberry confiture, covering vehicles and shoppers in a gooey mess. Panic ensued as residents scarpered in all directions as flaky pastry rained down from above.
The latest reports indicate that the humongous pastry, still at large, was brought to the UK by an illegal immigrant travelling from Calais in a small boat. The suspicion is the pastry expanded to its unfeasible size after a bizarre chemical reaction with the salty sea water.
Unprepared innocent locals
Efforts to neutralise the breakfast menace were underway last night as pâtissiers and emergency services collaborated to devise a plan. Rumours swirled around the town that a giant butter knife was being brought in to defend the town. Local authorities, clearly unprepared for such a peculiar assault, issued a statement urging citizens to remain calm and promising swift action against the colossal pastry.
World War III
Meanwhile, Blackpool residents, faced with a bakery-based apocalypse. Wondered if this was merely the beginning of a series of breakfast-themed attacks recently warned about by Secretary of Defence, Grant Shapps, or, whether the government’s warnings of an imminent world war III are just so much fearmongering bullshit.