Saturday, June 22, 2024

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Onion thief leaves disabled gardener in tears

Onion thief leaves disabled gardener in tears
Onion thief leaves disabled gardener in tears

Gerald Monocots (72), a disable gardener, who suffers from various disabilities including; cleft palate, one arm longer than the other, shocking dandruff, feeble legs etc, was upset to discover that his entire onion crop had been half-inched from his allotment less than 10 minutes after having become fully ripe.

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Reporter

How much is an onion? 13p 14p? If you need an onion to spice up your bolognese, or to chop up and sprinkle over your cheese on toast, or even to deodorise your armpits (more on this later), it’s not going to break the bank is it? So why, oh why… WHY does anyone need to steal an onion???

Welcome to Britain. A country that in the last 70 years has lost all sense of moral rectitude. If you live in Britain, you live in a country where shoplifters can make £500,000 by obtaining refunds for returning items that never left the shop in the first place. Where Covid 19 benefit cheats can make thousands of pounds claiming grants to which they were not entitled on the backs of the coughing, spluttering, dead and dying. And where passengers on the London underground avoid paying for tickets by sneaking through the turnstile behind the person in front of them (Ahem. I did that once so let us quickly move on.)

By comparison, the theft of hard-grown onion produce (Binomial name: Allium cepa) from the allotment of a disabled gardener from Lidgate, Suffolk would seem innocuous (W.C. ‘not harmful or offensive’).


An onion requires 90-100 days to mature fully from seed, so that is almost one-third of a year wasted by Gerald (and let’s face it, at his age, he doesn’t have that kind of time to throw away.)

We spoke to Gerald and asked if he knew the culprit?

“Yes, I do.”

Who was it?

“I don’t know. But I think it might have been Brian Chilcot.”

Brian Chilcot?

“Yes. Brian Chilcot. ‘Cotty’. He runs the burger van outside the Fox & Hounds of a Friday night. ‘Cotty’s Burgers’.”

Why do you think it was Cotty?

“Because I found a burger flipper, spilled ketchup, and some burger sauce right there where the onions used to be.”

Hmmm. So what did you do?

“I put a curse on him, didn’t I? I put a curse on him that says that the fleas of a thousand camels should infest his armpits. Although judging by the disgusting unhygiene of his burger van what he runs, I reckon he already has ‘em! Ha Ha Ha!!!!!”

Well, really!

W.C. = Working Class

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