<b>By Phil Ward
Health Correspondent

Humans are statistically far more likely to die of cancer than inaminate objects such as pencils or lamp shades, a shock new report by the World Health Organisation reveals.</b>

Despite lack of exercise and not adhering to a healthy eating regime, furniture is also likely to outlive humans who tuck into too many sausages and other processed meats.

Scientists from WHO studied a number of people from different countries and compared their cancer risk to that of objects such as brick walls and pairs of trousers. They concluded that, no matter where you came from, you were far more likely to suffer from cancer at some point in your life than a flat screen television.

The report concludes by stating that, although vegetarians don’t live any longer than people who include meat in their diet, and that they certainly won’t outlive a sideboard, they are far more likely to discuss their strict dietary habits at dinner parties and to be particularly unpleasant companions in a lift.

<i>To read more from this contributor, please visit <a href="https://sozsatirenews.wordpress.com/" target="_blank">Soz Satire</a>.</i>

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