Suffolk Mountain Rescue Team in action.
Evidence for Great Britain to be tilting is predicted to have dramatic effects on Suffolk. Data released in 2015 revealed that Scotland is gaining altitude whilst the South Coast of England is sinking. Local expert Pete Jennings says that “Combined with the additional factor of increased flooding due to climate change this could well result in land masses sliding gradually into East Anglia.” Taking the initiative he has formed the Suffolk Mountain Rescue Team charity.
“So far we have recruited a small team of experts” Pete told Suffolk Gazette. “We have managed to gain sponsorship from the National Trust, who have kindly provided one of the mounds at Sutton Hoo near Woodbridge as an abseiling training facility, in the absence of any other hills in the area so far. Anny Malle, a retired vet is giving us help in training Rescue Goats, thought to be far better at climbing than rescue dogs. They will each be equipped with a small keg of Adnams’ beer before they slope off. Then we have Madame Ava L’Anche, a French skier now resident in Suffolk giving her advice.”
“As usual, Norfolk is in denial about the potential risks and simply hope that any incoming mountains will erode into the sea like most of their coast, but we in Suffolk are not so complacent” continued Mr. Jennings (62) proudly. “We have already started a programme of repatriating the rocks that people bring home from holidays in other parts of the country. We post them off in jiffy bags so that they can be released in areas with a suitable habitat amongst others of their own kind. It used to be pebbles but now we are seeing them get a littler boulder. We aim eventually to rescue mountains, and push them off downhill towards the South. Of course, foothills will be able to walk. Before we release mountains back into the wild, they will each be examined for injury, and repaired with granite chippings donated by a local tiler. We are not however forgetting the people who climb them: we will rescue anyone feeling a little peaky, whether they want it or not.”
The charity needs an avalanche of volunteers willing to help with the work. You can drop into the Suffolk Mountain Rescue Team HQ in Alpe Street, a stone’s throw from the Norwich Road, Ipswich which is attractively decorated outside with alpine plants. 
Staff would rather react to any genuine false alarms than miss any incidents: last week they rushed to Christchurch Park after the alarm was raised by a workman, but it turned out that he was making a mountain out of a mole hill. Equipped with ropes, ice axes and pitons they made an imposing sight in their customised high altitude bobble hats, and were not disheartened as they munched into their Glacier Mint emergency rations to keep their energy levels at a high peak. “Blarst me bor, actually rescuin sum young mawther will be summit wuth look’n forrard tew” said a gravel- voiced rustic old timer, relaxing on a window ledge. 
“Altitude change happened around here in the last ice age, and could happen again” explained local archaeologist Mr.Doug Trench. “One can still trace evidence of remnants contained within the ancient names of locations in Castle Hill, Beacon Hill, Bourne Hill and Bishops Hill. Of course Prof. Cragg established that some hills crossed from Yorkshire to Wales, as they had Mountain Passes.”
The East Anglian Tourist Board refused to comment on rumoured plans for a mountain railway, cable cars and ski lifts being submitted for planning permission on a Chantry Park. Meanwhile BBC Radio Suffolk is mounting a massive ‘Rock Aid’ benefit concert to support the charity. Rumoured headliners include the Rolling Stones, Steve Hillage, Dave Edmunds Rockpile and the Stone Roses. An anonymous spokesperson for the English Defence League promised to picket the event: “It’s not right is it? These Migrant Mountains are coming here to steal the jobs of hard working English Hills. We know that some of them are terrorists – one of them from Scotland is even called Ben Laden Nevis.”
YOU ARE WELCOME TO USE ALL OR PART OF THIS - PETE JENNINGS
<!--more-->
AUTHOR: Pete Jennings
AUTHOR EMAIL: pete@gippeswic.demon.co.uk
AUTHOR URL: 
SUBJECT: [Suffolk Gazette] Contact us
IP: 81.147.164.249
Array
(
    [1_Name] =&gt; Pete Jennings
    [2_Email] =&gt; pete@gippeswic.demon.co.uk
    [3_Comment] =&gt; Suffolk Mountain Rescue Team in action.
Evidence for Great Britain to be tilting is predicted to have dramatic effects on Suffolk. Data released in 2015 revealed that Scotland is gaining altitude whilst the South Coast of England is sinking. Local expert Pete Jennings says that “Combined with the additional factor of increased flooding due to climate change this could well result in land masses sliding gradually into East Anglia.” Taking the initiative he has formed the Suffolk Mountain Rescue Team charity.
“So far we have recruited a small team of experts” Pete told Suffolk Gazette. “We have managed to gain sponsorship from the National Trust, who have kindly provided one of the mounds at Sutton Hoo near Woodbridge as an abseiling training facility, in the absence of any other hills in the area so far. Anny Malle, a retired vet is giving us help in training Rescue Goats, thought to be far better at climbing than rescue dogs. They will each be equipped with a small keg of Adnams’ beer before they slope off. Then we have Madame Ava L’Anche, a French skier now resident in Suffolk giving her advice.”
“As usual, Norfolk is in denial about the potential risks and simply hope that any incoming mountains will erode into the sea like most of their coast, but we in Suffolk are not so complacent” continued Mr. Jennings (62) proudly. “We have already started a programme of repatriating the rocks that people bring home from holidays in other parts of the country. We post them off in jiffy bags so that they can be released in areas with a suitable habitat amongst others of their own kind. It used to be pebbles but now we are seeing them get a littler boulder. We aim eventually to rescue mountains, and push them off downhill towards the South. Of course, foothills will be able to walk. Before we release mountains back into the wild, they will each be examined for injury, and repaired with granite chippings donated by a local tiler. We are not however forgetting the people who climb them: we will rescue anyone feeling a little peaky, whether they want it or not.”
The charity needs an avalanche of volunteers willing to help with the work. You can drop into the Suffolk Mountain Rescue Team HQ in Alpe Street, a stone’s throw from the Norwich Road, Ipswich which is attractively decorated outside with alpine plants. 
Staff would rather react to any genuine false alarms than miss any incidents: last week they rushed to Christchurch Park after the alarm was raised by a workman, but it turned out that he was making a mountain out of a mole hill. Equipped with ropes, ice axes and pitons they made an imposing sight in their customised high altitude bobble hats, and were not disheartened as they munched into their Glacier Mint emergency rations to keep their energy levels at a high peak. “Blarst me bor, actually rescuin sum young mawther will be summit wuth look’n forrard tew” said a gravel- voiced rustic old timer, relaxing on a window ledge. 
“Altitude change happened around here in the last ice age, and could happen again” explained local archaeologist Mr.Doug Trench. “One can still trace evidence of remnants contained within the ancient names of locations in Castle Hill, Beacon Hill, Bourne Hill and Bishops Hill. Of course Prof. Cragg established that some hills crossed from Yorkshire to Wales, as they had Mountain Passes.”
The East Anglian Tourist Board refused to comment on rumoured plans for a mountain railway, cable cars and ski lifts being submitted for planning permission on a Chantry Park. Meanwhile BBC Radio Suffolk is mounting a massive ‘Rock Aid’ benefit concert to support the charity. Rumoured headliners include the Rolling Stones, Steve Hillage, Dave Edmunds Rockpile and the Stone Roses. An anonymous spokesperson for the English Defence League promised to picket the event: “It’s not right is it? These Migrant Mountains are coming here to steal the jobs of hard working English Hills. We know that some of them are terrorists – one of them from Scotland is even called Ben Laden Nevis.”
YOU ARE WELCOME TO USE ALL OR PART OF THIS - PETE JENNINGS
)
