Today’s horoscope: David Cameron

With Mystic Smeg

David Cameron, October 9, Libra

The unfortunate headlines this week have made you squeal, so you might consider launching a distraction to save your bacon – like invading Syria.

Quite frankly, your aids have made a pigs ear of media management since some swine made allegations you stuck your prime ministerial chipolata into the mouth of a dead pig. Time to give them a roasting, and just hope that Uranus can move around and shield the people of Great Britain from The Sun.


Meanwhile, you need to face up to more ridicule, including suggestions that your accidental support of West Ham rather than Aston Villa was a Freudian slip.

Further, official emails from Number 10 are turning up in everyone’s spam folder, so you need to sort out your IT department.

Lastly, there is one bit of good news on the horizon – if you contact your Health Secretary, he will confirm his medics have got hold of that oinkment you were after.

Was someone telling porkies?

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