News

Public fears deadly Suffolk Police helicopter

By  | 

By Rob Banks, Crime Editor

The new Suffolk Police helicopter was criticised today for being out of proportion with the county’s crime levels.

Despite crime figures being on the increase, the Suffolk force’s decision to buy an Apache Gunship helicopter is seen as wildly over the top.

But county crime expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, caimed the fearsome piece of kit was necessary to deter a worrying increase in apple scrumping and illegal pigeon shooting in the countryside.

The Apache gunship, better known for its use by armed forces around the world, including the US and Israel, has a terrifying array of weaponry available to the two-man crew.

They will be able to target Suffolk’s notorious gangland leaders with a deadly array of cannon machine guns and missile systems capable of smashing any getaway car or stolen bicycle in an instant.

Sidewinder air-to-air missiles will also be used to take out any suspicious kites being flown on Suffolk’s beaches.

EDITOR’S NOTE: The Apache has gone on to accidentally blow up a Suffolk vicarage. You can read our coverage of the unfortunate incident by clicking here

Now residents, who spent years moaning about the noise of the old police helicopter hovering over towns and villages, will have to get used to deafening automatic rounds being fired and the terrifying screech of missile strikes instead.

Marjory Dawes, a parish councillor from Orford, which has a deadly criminal culture known the world over, said even though she wanted a stop to crime, the Apache was way over the top.

She said: “Imagine walking the dog one morning and this Apache gunship suddenly appears over the tree tops of Tunstall Forest. It would be like a scene out of Full Metal Jacket or Platoon.

“And how much does this thing cost? Surely it would have been cheaper to keep the old bobby on his bike?”

The actual cost of the Apache is around £13 million, a figure Lorraine Fisher, 34, said was worth every penny. “The rural idyll of living in Suffolk has been shattered by rising crime. Only recently, police found bodies in a cemetery.”

* * * * * *

Click here to support the Suffolk Gazette Beer Fund!
Olimometer 2.52

7 Comments

  1. Robin Mitchell

    January 1, 2016 at 1:07 am

    Am I reading the British version of the Onion?

    • The Editor

      January 1, 2016 at 1:21 am

      Dear Mr Mitchell,

      This is entirely possible.

      Regards,
      The Editor

  2. colin le bod

    March 9, 2015 at 10:52 pm

    Everyone at RAF Packington is delighted to be providing Base Support Wing operations for the Suffolk Apache. With a flight time from Packington to Martlesham of 8minutes and Aldburgh in 11 this represents truly joined-up policing and air battlespace management.

  3. doc

    February 13, 2015 at 10:52 pm

    Apache is no longer acceptable. The county is going to buy ‘aborigines from the Mexican/Arizona border’. When jumping from a plane do not shout “Geronimo” it is not race acceptable any more.

  4. Bridget Rolls

    February 13, 2015 at 12:27 pm

    Is this for real?

  5. Helen daly

    February 12, 2015 at 12:38 pm

    Have not seen anything this funny in ages

    • The Editor

      February 12, 2015 at 3:15 pm

      Funny until police garage mechanics, more used to topping up the oil in their Ford Mondeo panda cars, try to service the Apache’s hi-tech Target Acquisition and Designation System – then no one will be safe!

Say what?

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Send this to a friend