Brexit negotiations took an unexpected turn today when the EU demanded that Britain hands over Suffolk to Europe in a swap deal for Belgium.
But Theresa May and her Brexit team insist the last thing Britain wants is Belgium (pictured above)– and they certainly have no intention of handing over Suffolk, its jewel on the east coast.
EU diplomats know just how shit Belgium is because Brussels is where the European Parliament is based.
In a clever tactic, they reasoned they could get shot of the flat, featureless country because the UK Government is desperate to leave the EU on the cheap.
EU president Jean-Claude Juncker said: “I come from Luxembourg and it’s annoying having Belgium next door. It’s bad enough being sandwiched between Germany and France.
“Belgium should go to Britain and we’ll have Suffolk and its fine Adnams beer instead.”
David Davis, who is leading Britain’s Brexit discussions, refused to even think about the Belgium offer.
“It’s a non starter. The country is good for chocolate but only famous for inventing the Tintin comic character. Belgium is now more tinpot than Tintin.”
The Belgium-Suffolk swap deal impasse may now hold up the entire Brexit process, sending worldwide markets into a downward spiral from which they may never recover.
Belgium is so boring that even its own population is unimpressed.
Jeremy Clarkson once did a documentary on the country, and wandered the streets asking the locals whether they were glad to be born Belgian.
He was surprised when after interviewing many people, he found just one guy who was happy being Belgian. Even a man dressed as a penguin for no apparent reason said he preferred his status as a penguin to that of being Belgian.
Residents of Suffolk, on the other hand, adore their county, and have only one complaint – that it is next door to Norfolk.
Resident Alan Tasker said: “We do not want to be moved to the EU. We’d much rather stay where we are as East Anglia’s leading county.”