Suffolk man ‘had sex with 450 tractors’

EXCLUSIVE
By Hugh Dunnett
Crime Correspondent

A Suffolk man with a bizarre sexual attraction to tractors has been banned from the countryside and forced to sign the sex-offenders’ register.

Ralph Bishop, 53, was found by police with his trousers around his ankles “interfering” with a tractor parked in a field outside Saxmundham.

He was arrested on suspicion of outraging public decency, and admitted to having had sex with around 450 tractors all over the Suffolk countryside.

When officers searched his terraced home they found a collection of more than 5,000 tractor images on his laptop.

The photos showed Bishop had a special desire for John Deere and Massey Ferguson tractors, particularly green ones.

image
Object of desire

A police insider said: “We couldn’t believe it when we found him in the field. He was wearing a white t-shirt and Wellington boots and very little else. He was clearly in state of high excitement at the rear of the machine.

“Thankfully nobody else was around, but the field is close to a village primary school so we had to arrest him and educate him about the error of his ways.

“He told us he was particularly ‘in to’ axle grease and the presence of this around the back of tractors was all too much for him.”

Bishop, twice divorced, was released without charge on condition he sought psychological help. He was put on the sex-offenders’ register.

“He is also banned from the countryside and is now not allowed to go within one mile of a farm,” the police insider added. “So he has to live and remain in the middle of Ipswich to comply with that.

“However, we are watching him because we are worried about the safety of several street-cleaning machines.”

Another policeman added: “He’ll also need to keep away from the town’s gardens – if he takes a fancy to a lawn mower he might find he loses more than just his liberty.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: Three months later, things had not improved for Mr Bishop, who was caught out trying to get a job at an agriculture college, where he wanted to give the farm machinery a vigorous scrub down.

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31 Comments on "Suffolk man ‘had sex with 450 tractors’"

  1. I’ve had people tagging me in this story on facebook, I’ve had my good lady wife , the present Mrs Yeldham, querying how somebody could physically have sex with a tractor ( via the hydraulic couplings if you’re interested) . Let me just reiterate , it wasn’t me ! I have too much respect for my fordson major to cheat on her .

  2. Well done, page 12 of Farm Business magazine for this story in the November 20th edition. Made it big time. Well done.

    If you drop me an email, I can add a scan and send to you.

    Rudolph Hucker, CBE

  3. I have never understood the tractor attraction. Now rototillers……I can talk rototillers all day any day.
    Just hearing the name Kverneland makes me sweat.

  4. IT’s weird, but to have to register as a sex offender is stupid, and dumb. What you put him on the list to warn other Tractors. The Sex offender registry is starting to lose some of its validity. It used to warn people of rapists and pedophiles, but now it’s also being used for people that it seems like the authority doesn’t like, and they keep putting people on this list that didn’t actually sex offend. The last thing I heard was they put teenagers on the sex offender registry for having naked pictures of themselves as babies on their own phones. What’s next, will they be putting Grandparents on the list for having pictures of their grandchildren. Let’s face it, everyone has a picture of themselves as a baby naked somewhere.

  5. Yes, its them green ones that are temptresses

  6. I suppose you could call it rape! depending in which field it took place!

  7. Article by Hugh Dunnett? Are you kidding me? Is it April 1st?

  8. At least you didn’t put sexy and suggestive picture of something really horny, like a Fendt!

    Last week, whilst out in Norfolk with my wife, after being stuck for 10 minutes behind a tractor, weaving left and right, flashing her lights and honking the horn, My wife finally got up enough confidence to over-take it.,
    Now if she can only find a way out of the field we can go home to Stowmarket.

    • Dear Mr Hucker,

      That does indeed sound unfortunate. Might I suggest you tell the wife that quite often there is a large gate in the corner of a field, and she should be able to navigate through that. Slowly, of course.

      Regards,
      The Editor

  9. That tractor was asking for it.

  10. Once he has had his treatment he be an extractor fan!

  11. This is just one big misunderstanding. After having difficulty with his wife and his sex life he went for some counselling. It was his councellor that suggested he put more effort into doing things to attract her (to a tractor)!

  12. You Brits have way more interesting sex crimes than we do in the States!

  13. somebody buy the poor man a tractor

  14. He actually settled for tractors. His first love is for large goods vehicles, but he was concernes that if he didn’t wear protection, he might end up HGV Positive ;)

  15. Deere, deere,deere. …… Is he now an Extractor fan?

  16. Sir

    Is it true Mr Bishop only carried out these offences in fields of wheat and barley because he was a cereal offender?

    • Dear Mr Deere,

      Yes, he is a cereal offender who is very lucky he’s not now doing porridge.

      Regards,
      The Editor

  17. Isn’t the English language a funny form of communication? Down here in the Anti-Podes, the term, ‘dogging’, has an entirely different connotation, Major Thompson.

    A Kiwi friend has arksed me to enquire whether all the sheep had become extinct in Suffolk. He believes there must have been some such catastrophic event for a person to change from his natural inclinations and look elsewhere for his gratuitous satisfaction.

    • Dear JohnB,

      I am happy to confirm there are indeed still plenty of sheep in Suffolk. Most of them have fled Wales where the ‘natural inclinations’ you mention are still very much in vogue.

      Regards,
      The Editor

  18. A trouserless tractorphile perve
    For kicks crawled the crops not the kerb
    ‘Til he spied a John Deere
    With which he’d interfere
    Now he’s banned… ‘cos the peas was disturbed

    • Dear Mr Mortleman,

      You are hereby promoted to the post of Official Suffolk Gazette poet.

      Congratulations!

      Regards,
      The Editor

  19. There is an increase of felching activities going on in the Suffolk area. Be very careful as it is very hazodous.
    https://youtu.be/cTrOb8zyrZk

    • Dear Ranjid,

      That’s hilarious and will soon no doubt be a feature story in the Suffolk Gazette!

      Regards,
      The Editor

  20. Last March I interviewed a combine harvester that shared a garage at Dancraft Farm with one of the tractors who made the allegations. They shared a garage for ten years. The tractor had told the court that the man came to service her several times a month over that period, always at night. However, the combine harvester told me that it was she had never seen Bishop other than on television’s Top of the Farms and she would certainly have noticed if any inappropriate servicing had taken place as she was parked only feet away at all the times of the alleged incidents. She added that she had told the police this when they asked her if she wanted to earn some extra cash by claiming to have been serviced by Bishop as well, but when she told them that neither she nor the tractor had ever been serviced by Bishop they ignored her.

  21. I mean, guy is obviously a loon. Everyone knows New Holland tractors have the smoothest and most pleasurable axle grease. John Deere? What a nutter.

    • Dear Mr Shrubmeister IV,

      I have asked Ivor Traktor, my farming correspondent (intern), and he agrees that New Hollands are the way to go. That did worry me a little bit, I’ll admit.

      Regards,
      The Editor

  22. Major Thompson | October 20, 2015 at 1:05 pm | Reply

    In our part of South Norfolk, there’s been a recent rash of bicycle-saddle sniffing. Said a police spokesman, ‘Although saddle sniffing is not an offence per se, as long as it’s not accompanied by ‘auxiliary’ activities – if you know what I mean, haha! – we nonetheless consider it in the same category as ‘dogging’, and are determined to crack down on offenders.’

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