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Morris dancers and blind footballers in mass brawl

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By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Reporter

Police were called after a mass brawl broke out in a pub car park between a group of morris dancers and a blind football team.

The footballers were enjoying a match on the village green at Rattlesden, near Stowmarket, using a ball with a bell in it so they could keep up with play.

But all hell broke out when the morris dancers began performing at a nearby pub.

A player kicked the ball off the pitch towards the Brewers Arms, and then mistook the morris dancers’ uniform bells for the one in the ball.

He promptly kicked one of the dancers in the shin, sending him flying over a table and crashing into a flower pot. A hanging basket then fell on his head.

More blind footballers then joined the melee, kicking out at the bells and then being surprised when they were punched by furious morris men.

The brawl was only stopped when the referee caught up and blew his whistle loudly.

Morris dancers

Three morris men suffered severely bruised legs, while one of the footballers had a cut caused by being hit on the head with a morris dancer’s stick.

With everyone blaming each other, the police were called to sort out the mess.

A Suffolk police spokesman said: “It was certainly an unsual call from one of the locals in the pub. By the time we got there it had all calmed down, and both sides realised how the mistake had been made.

“In fact they had made up and were all enjoying a drink together, although a couple were still being patched up by the landlord’s wife.

“We took no further action, but recommended that the morris men did not use bells on their uniforms when the blind footballers were playing nearby.”

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39 Comments

  1. Peter jordan

    March 28, 2016 at 12:10 pm

    Sounds better than Portman Road last week!

  2. Squire of Bedlam

    September 1, 2015 at 2:58 am

    I believe EVERY word you write Mr Dunnit. I would believe anything that happened in Suffolk (or Essex for that matter). I come from Norfolk and allus knew they was all mad down south!

  3. Ross Cattan

    August 20, 2015 at 4:32 am

    In the greater antipodies, Oz, we from time to time suffer at our local pub, The London Hotel, from a ‘ Garage ‘ of ‘Morris Majors Dancers’, large obese Englishmen who have nothing better to do between the Cricket Test matches.
    We are Sooooooo indebted to Suffolk. We even buy them beer to keep them quite.

    • The Editor

      August 20, 2015 at 6:31 am

      Dear Mr Cattan

      Be careful with the beer – buy them too much and being noisy will be the least of your problems.

      Regards to Australia,
      The Editor

  4. Mick Peters

    August 17, 2015 at 3:54 pm

    The bells of hell certainly do go ting-a-ling-a-ling.

  5. Pin Ball

    August 16, 2015 at 8:00 pm

    The reporter’s name is obviously the big giveaway that this story – amusing though undoubtedly it is – may *just* be a little apocryphal….. however, he has absolutely NOTHING on another writer I’ve seen with the same Christian name who goes by the surname of…….. Janus.

    • The Editor

      August 17, 2015 at 9:43 pm

      Dear Mr Ball,

      I must give Hugh Janus a job.

      Regards,
      The Editor

  6. Gratz

    August 16, 2015 at 6:54 pm

    Seems a little unlikely that blind footballers couldn’t realise they were on tarmac rather than grass – or that there was more than one ‘ball’. Sorry to ruin a good story but I’ve played with blind footballers. They may be blind but they aren’t stupid.

  7. Hugh Jampton

    August 16, 2015 at 3:53 pm

    I see nothing funny about those names. Keep up the quality reportage.

  8. Kay

    August 16, 2015 at 12:04 pm

    Some more for your delight and delectation…..

    http://myweb.tiscali.co.uk/boughtonmorris/page30.html

  9. David Campbell Watson

    August 15, 2015 at 9:18 pm

    Fecking brilliant!!!

  10. Juana de la Gaviota

    August 15, 2015 at 5:36 pm

    It’s crime news like this that makes us Yanks across the pond remindful of the fact that

    There’ll always be an England!

  11. Suzanne Ingleton

    August 14, 2015 at 9:53 pm

    Here in Oz we have Abbott dancers who are not only blind to reality but make alarm bells ring in our heads . There no stick big enough forthwith to whack them

    • The Editor

      August 14, 2015 at 11:28 pm

      Dear Ms Ingleton,

      You have internet in Australia?

      Regards,
      The Editor

      • Mason Laird

        August 14, 2015 at 11:36 pm

        The British-made wire stretches that far? Gracious.

  12. tom hill

    August 14, 2015 at 7:51 pm

    Tried to read this aloud to my daughter-both collapsed in fits of the giggles. Wonderful.

    • The Editor

      August 14, 2015 at 11:35 pm

      Dear Tom

      It’s all true, but don’t tell the little ‘un.

      Regards,
      The Editor

  13. Cliff Lashmar

    August 14, 2015 at 3:49 pm

    Very funny story, kept me laughing all day.

  14. Mr B end

    August 14, 2015 at 2:55 pm

    If the Morris men ever find it hard to get a audience, may i suggest they find a local dogging site. In that way they can can play with their sticks and bounce their bells to their hearts content. I find there in breed nature of having 6 fingers will be an attraction as it stands.

  15. Ann Scarper-quick

    August 14, 2015 at 2:17 pm

    Very well done sir! Truly deserving of a pulyerlegzer prize

  16. Mr B end

    August 14, 2015 at 12:42 pm

    In all honesty is there any need for morris men… they just my village off for a whole hour last week so they could smack their bells together!!

    • The Editor

      August 14, 2015 at 1:17 pm

      Dear Mr End

      I do believe all their faffing about is useful for keeping the flies away.

      Regards,
      The Editor

  17. Mason Laird

    August 14, 2015 at 12:16 pm

    Maybe they should swap pastimes? Blind Morris dancing has dangerous potential.

    • The Editor

      August 14, 2015 at 1:18 pm

      Dear Mr Laird

      That would be good – then we could all creep up and give them a kicking.

      Regards,
      The Editor

  18. Gary Jones

    August 13, 2015 at 6:10 am

    Is your crime writers name really Who Dunnit?

    • The Editor

      August 13, 2015 at 7:04 am

      Dear Mr Jones

      Yes, crime reporter Hugh Dunnett works with my Crime Editor – Rob Banks. Nothing funny about that.

      Regards
      The Editor

      • Capt Ric Airey

        August 15, 2015 at 7:07 pm

        That’s like my recent heart surgeon Consultants at ERI bless them who were Mr Mills and Mr Boone, Boone was then replaced by A Lucking which deafinately was in the case of their patients Bless them all Grin
        Love the Morris /footy punch-up

  19. Dizzy Bagge

    August 13, 2015 at 5:36 am

    Why are you poking fun at a terrible disability? Morris dancers can’t help the way they are and there is no known cure.

    • The Editor

      August 13, 2015 at 7:07 am

      Dear Ms Bagge

      A fair point. We have therefore made a small donation to the local Morris Men retirement home. You should hear its front door bell. Terrible racket.

      Regards,
      The Editor

  20. grape_vine

    August 13, 2015 at 4:06 am

    This is just so morris. Love it!

    • The Editor

      August 13, 2015 at 7:11 am

      Dear Mr Vine

      Do you call your children Morris Minors?

      Regards,
      The Editor

  21. Anni Watkins

    August 12, 2015 at 11:33 pm

    Well silly me, a quick trip to your front page would have settled the matter!

    • The Editor

      August 13, 2015 at 7:09 am

      Dear Anni

      Everything you read here is true. We are thirst for breaking news – hence our buy-us-a-beer page!

      Regards,
      The Editor

  22. Anni Watkins

    August 12, 2015 at 11:26 pm

    Is this a hoax, you have a picture of Exeter Morris Men at Wells Cathedral there, plus a picture of a completely different team. You do not name the Morris you are speaking of. Did you make this up, or did you use unrelated pictures?

  23. wendy shields

    August 12, 2015 at 10:52 pm

    I am from Felixstowe living in Orlando ,fl I had not heard about the Suffolk Gazette, I had a good laugh over this story because I did not think it was real!!.Wendy Shields

    • The Editor

      August 13, 2015 at 7:10 am

      Dear Wendy

      Hugh Dunnett assures me the facts of the story are correct. I said to him he better not have made it up in the pub.

      Regards,
      The Editor

  24. Brian Winter

    August 12, 2015 at 7:31 pm

    Wonderful story. I went to a school and college for the Blind so understand how the Blind football’s must have felt. Listening for the ball is never easy and must have been very confusing with the sound of the Morris men.

  25. Dilbert

    August 12, 2015 at 4:20 pm

    I love the Suffolk Gazette. It brightens my day

    • The Editor

      August 12, 2015 at 4:23 pm

      Dear Dilbert

      What a lovely name, and I’m glad you like the site.

      Regards,
      The Editor

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