Sport

UKIP football team relegated

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By Onmee Head, Football Correspondent

A major football team has been relegated three weeks before the end-of-season showdown – because the side is totally imbalanced.

Fans of UKIP FC loved their team’s attacking style, but soon noticed each player was actually a right winger.

That left the UKIP outfit exposed throughout the middle of the park and down the left flank. And although they were able to score some spectacular goals, they were no good at the back.

Wags pointed out that early relegation was a blessing, because had they made the top four, UKIP FC would have refused to play in Europe next season anyway.

But opposition fans have not been as vocal about UKIP’s demise as many had expected, probably because with only weeks to go in the season, they have their own problems.

Labour FC have issues with their captain, who some say has failed to lead the team well enough. There are also rumours he stole his brother’s boots to prevent him from taking his place on the pitch (Editor’s note: This sotry was written when Ed Miliband led the Labour Party).

Even though Labour FC are still pushing for the title, many believe they will only make the play-offs where they are likely to meet Conservative FC.

Conservative FC skipper David Cameron with his striker coach

The blue-shirted Conservatives may be the defending champions, but their early-season promise has fizzled out and attendences have fallen.

If rivals Labour and Conservative are neck-and-neck after May 7, then an emergency transfer window opens in order for both sides to strengthen their squads.

That leaves teams like SNP FC and Green FC, together with a group of sides from Northern Ireland, and a weird team with an unpronouncable name from Wales, open to a variety of transfer bids.

Labour’s hopes of snatching key players from SNP FC have been dashed, because the outfit, led by a fearsome, tough-tackling woman, are shockingly bad at defence, believing there is no need for a deterrent at all. The SNP, known fondly by fans as “The Gingers”, also want permission to play in the Scottish League only.

That leaves Green FC, but commentators fear their players are too slow because they are always trying to conserve energy.

Meanwhile, the Suffolk Gazette can confirm that Liberal Democrat FC, who for so long bossed the middle of the park with a succession of creative midfielders, have gone out of existance. Any points they won this season have been distributed to the other clubs.

More news as we get it.

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2 Comments

  1. Kevin

    April 24, 2015 at 8:40 am

    Dear Sir,

    I read with interest the recent article regarding the new foreign correspondent. The local Suffolk UKIP candidates for the upcoming elections might not welcome this sentiment.

    Moving on, I have recently moved to the Suffolk Coastal area and have already identified several errors in your stories. Kim Jong-Un did not
    in fact take a caravan in Suffolk. This is a vile and unworthy attempt by that lot in Norfolk to blacken the county’s good name.

    The UKIP football team was not relegated but was actually thrown out for having monster hands.

    I can, however, confirm that Aldeburgh is now twinned with various resorts in southern Spain. Aged bones need warmth and sunshine.

  2. E I Adio

    April 17, 2015 at 5:26 pm

    Breaking news – the Conservative FC team have changed their nickname and are to be known as the “Herrings”. It is believed that this is because the only difference between them and the Kippers is over smoking.

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