News

Nudist beach shock for Aldeburgh

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EXCLUSIVE
By Phil McCracken

A nudist beach will be opened at the posh seaside resort of Aldeburgh next summer, the Suffolk Gazette can reveal.

The coastline opposite the historic Moot Hall will be roped off and become available exclusively for those brave enough to bare all despite the English weather.

Naturists welcomed the liberal move, which was voted through by councillors in a rowdy meeting last night.

But residents and rich London second-home owners were furious. Local vicar, The Rev Evan Elpuss was also upset, claiming public nudity was a sin and would only encourage promiscuity.

nudist-beach
Cheeky: a soothing scene coming to Aldeburgh next summer

The nudist beach was proposed in order to broaden Aldeburgh’s appeal, which tourism chiefs believed was too narrow. Brian Collins, responsible for visitor numbers to the Suffolk Coastal area, said: “Aldeburgh has a bit of a ‘stick-in-the-mud’ reputation and we need to drag it into the 21st century.

“We threw around a few ideas, including a fun-fair, bingo hall and a greyhound stadium, but settled on a nudist beach as the most appealing to the general public.

“The nudist beach will be only 200-yards wide and it will be roped off. However, it will be visible to anyone walking past, and to visitors on the normal beach on either side.

“For anyone with a special interest, we plan on erecting a special viewing platform on top of the Moot Hall.”

The Rev Elpuss blasted the plans. “It’s disgusting. People visit Aldeburgh precisely because it is old-fashioned and offers a totally different pace of life.

“Who wants to visit the town and be faced with bare breasts and worse? I urge the council to reconsider.”

And local bakery owner Camilla Farquarson-Hunter stormed: “The only baps on display in Aldeburgh should be my own floury ones.”

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26 Comments

  1. Warren Armstead, Jr.

    December 17, 2017 at 5:12 pm

    This says, Thanks also to Mr. or Ms. Editor In Chief of the ‘ ‘ Gazette ‘ ‘ of Suffolk for that this i of his/hers said columns for the ‘ ‘ Gazette ‘ ‘ of Suffolk on life also at its said title place in its said title British city with it now here STILL recounts also that in this case also, this now here even cites also ” ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ NUDIST beach ‘ ‘ SHOCK ‘ ‘ for Aldeburgh ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ” for him/herself for him/herself, for ANYONE whosoever accepts also that this even says also, Thanks also to Mr. or Ms. Editor In Chief of the ” Gazette ‘ ‘ of Suffolk for that this i of his/hers said accounts for the ‘ ‘ Gazette ‘ ‘ of Suffolk on life also at its sait title place in its said title British city with it now here STILL recounts also that in this case also, this now here even cites also ” ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ NUDIST beach ‘ ‘ SHOCK ‘ ‘ for Aldeburgh ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ” him/herself for him/herself, for fans, for readers, for visitors, for others also and even for us, too….

    • Warren Armstead, Jr.

      December 17, 2017 at 6:04 pm

      However, this even says also, Thanks also to Mr. or Ms. Editor In Chief of the ‘ ‘ Gazette ‘ ‘ of Suffolk for that this i of his/hers said columns for the ‘ ‘ Gazette ‘ ‘ of Suffolk on life also at its said title place in its said title British city with it now here STILL recounts also that in this case also, ” ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ A NUDIST beach WILL be opened at the posh seaside resort of Aldeburgh next summer, the ‘ ‘ Gazette ‘ ‘ of Suffolk CAN reveal…. NATURISTS welcomed the liberal move, which was voted through by councillors in a ROWDY meeting last night…. Local vicar, The Rev. Evan Elpuss was also UPSET, claiming public NUDITY was a ‘ ‘ SIN ‘ ‘ and WOULD ONLY encourage ‘ ‘ PROMISCUITY…. ‘ ‘ The NUDIST beach was proposed in order to broaden Aldeburgh’s appeal, which tourism chiefs believed was too NARROW…. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ” for him/herself for him/herself, for ANYONE whosoever accepts also that this even says also, Thanks also to Mr. or Ms. Editor In Chief of the ‘ ‘ Gazette ‘ ‘ of Suffolk on life also at its said title place in its said title British city with it now here STILL recounts also that in this case also, ” ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ A NUDIST beach WILL be opened at the posh seaside resort of Aldeburgh next summer, the ‘ ‘ Gazette ‘ ‘ of Suffolk CAN reveal…. NATURISTS welcomed the liberal move, which was voted through by councillors in a ROWDY meeting last night…. Local vicar, The Rev. Evan Elpuss was also UPSET, claiming public NUDITY was a ‘ ‘ SIN ‘ ‘ and WOULD ONLY encourage ‘ ‘ PROMISCUITY…. ‘ ‘ The NUDIST beach was proposed in order to broaden Aldeburgh’s appeal, which tourism chiefs believed was too NARROW…. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ” him/herself for him/herself, for fans, for readers, for visitors, for others also and even for us, too….

  2. APR

    August 15, 2017 at 9:08 pm

    Even if this story were true, you would only get the gay boys and over 60’s.

  3. Biggles

    August 14, 2017 at 8:11 pm

    I can’t see problem with keeping abreast of the times!

  4. Bob

    August 8, 2017 at 12:42 pm

    It is a sin?
    Stupid fucking religious assholes can fuck off.

    • Warren Armstead, Jr.

      December 17, 2017 at 6:24 pm

      However, this even says also, Thanks also to Bob for that this i of his said responses to this i of Mr. or Ms. Editor In Chief’s of the ‘ ‘ Gazette ‘ ‘ in Suffolk’s said columns for the ‘ ‘ Gazette ‘ ‘ in Suffolk on life also at its said title place in its said title British city with it now here which wonders also ABOUT whether or NOT that’s so also with it now here and recounts also that that’s so also of these said type of people also with it now here STILL even asks also, ” ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ It is a ‘ ‘ SIN? ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ” but then next recounts also that in this case also, ” ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ STUPID ( ” ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ BLEEPING ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ” ) F’ING religious ( ” ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ BLEEPING ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ” ) ASSHOLES CAN ( ” ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ BLEEPING ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ” ) F OFF…. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ” for him/herself for him/herself, for himself for himself too as well to boot, for ANYONE whosoever accepts also that this even says also, Thanks also to Bob for that this i of his said responses to this i of Mr. or Ms. Editor In Chief’s of the ‘ ‘ Gazette ‘ ‘ in Suffolk’s said accounts for the ‘ ‘ Gazette ‘ ‘ in Suffolk on life also at its said title place in its said title British city with it now here which wonders also ABOUT whether or NOT that’s so also with it now here and then next recounts also that that’s so also of these said type of people also with it now here STILL even asks also, ” ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ It is a ‘ ‘ SIN? ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ” but then next recounts also that in this case also, ” ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ STUPID ( ” ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ BLEEPING ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ” ) F’ING religious ( ” ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ BLEEPING ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ” ) ASSHOLES CAN ( ” ‘ ‘ ‘ BLEEPING ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ” ) F OFF…. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ” him/herself for him/herself, for fans, for readers, for visitors, for others also and even for us, too….

  5. Dave abbott

    July 22, 2016 at 1:45 pm

    There’s enough dicks about in aldeburgh in the summer
    We don’t need more !

  6. Jason

    July 22, 2016 at 9:27 am

    What on earth am I going to do with my woolly bathing suit?

  7. Steve

    January 5, 2016 at 10:49 am

    Sir the thought of offering pert bosoms and buttocks on this beach has gave me sleepless nights,have the council gone mad I take it that the same council has not given consent to the application from the Suffolk sword slappers to use the same peice of beach on a warm night in July to worship the heavily chested mermaids that frequent these waters

    • The Editor

      January 5, 2016 at 10:58 am

      Dear Steve,

      I thought the Suffolk Sword Slappers was a secret group? I’m going to have to resign my membership now.

      Regards,
      The Editor

  8. Laura

    December 28, 2015 at 11:44 pm

    Please say this is a piss take…

    • The Editor

      December 29, 2015 at 8:28 am

      Dear Laura,

      Are you suggesting we have somehow made this up? It is the naked truth.

      Regards,
      The Editor

  9. Mr Jest

    December 25, 2015 at 8:13 am

    i think the grey hound track would be better, look what its done for great yarmouth, the now to resort for travllers from essex !

  10. Joy

    December 19, 2015 at 8:47 pm

    Every other species is allowed to go naked without gasps of disgust. What’s next? Boxer shorts for dogs? Udder bras for cows? Also, the ‘rich London second-home owners’ can clear off. Their ilk have caused home ownership for us lowly locals in our home towns like Southwold and Aldeburgh to become utterly impossible unless we happen to be lottery winners.

  11. Mr Floppy

    December 18, 2015 at 6:16 pm

    I think that for security, CCTV should be erected to monitor the beach. Just to make sure the undesirables are not making a nuisance of themselves. You’ll be on your viewing platform so you’d be out of the picture. It could be put on a live feed so a) The town council wouldn’t have to employ anyone to monitor the site and b) people from all over the world could see our lovely heritage coastline and things.
    We could even erect a night vision camera for night nudists.

  12. Ellen smalley

    December 17, 2015 at 7:53 am

    Great, time to give those stuffy old snooty farts something to talk about.

  13. Rob

    December 16, 2015 at 6:29 pm

    What great news. My wife and I like going to Aldeburgh. We will be visiting the beach on a good day and baring all for sure

  14. Matthew Black

    December 15, 2015 at 8:52 pm

    Good for Aldeburgh. The more naturist beaches there are close to ‘normal’ beaches the sooner people will realise that there is absolutely nothing strange or odd or even sexual about simple nudity. It will not increase promiscuity or inappropriate behaviour. I fully support it although I still can’t quite believe this is not a spoof.

    • The Editor

      December 15, 2015 at 8:55 pm

      Dear Mr Black,

      A spoof? This story is the naked truth.

      Regards,
      The Editor

  15. 20, 20 vision

    December 15, 2015 at 8:05 pm

    Fantastic….. do you have to book the viewing platform ?

    • The Editor

      December 15, 2015 at 9:05 pm

      Dear Mr Vision,

      The Suffolk Gazette has offered to sponsor the platform in return for exclusive access for me our readers.

      Regards,
      The Editor

  16. Not_shy

    December 15, 2015 at 6:19 pm

    Bravo Aldeburgh!!! Way to go on takeing the first step into the modern world, and shame on all the prudes who have been sneering, shaming and moaning just because something new is scarey to them!

  17. Dawn

    December 15, 2015 at 2:45 pm

    Being a breastfeeding mother my ‘baps’ are often out – stop shaming the human body!! It’s a beautiful natural perfect being!

    • JIm

      July 22, 2016 at 9:57 am

      That’s disgusting. You should know by now that your baps are just for dirty old men to lear at. As for using them to perform a perfectly normal, evolutionary normal, ecologically normal, in fact just plain everyday normal, well words fail me.

  18. Bird Watcher

    December 15, 2015 at 1:04 pm

    Surely, a better first step would be to get Aldeburgh into the 20th Century?

    • Robin

      July 31, 2016 at 4:51 pm

      …….., and then they might eventually get into the 21st century within the next 50 years or so. I for one shall be keen to show my support when I next visit the town. I have to say that the idea of a “viewing platform” etc will go a long way to discouraging inappropriate behaviour and should lead to this as being in the forefront of breaking down the illusion we Brits have of nakedness being synonymous with sexuality. Most people will soon get bored with the fact that some sunbathers are minus 4 sq inches of cloth. Just a small worry about some perverts that go in to try and get a good close look in the pretence of protest.

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