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Northerners sewage content revealed

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Northerners sewage content revealed
Northerners sewage content revealed

Sewage water in the north of England is being tested to provide data on the health and well-being of people in the north.

‘Northerners’ as they are known to people in the south – are known for consuming all manner of weird, wonderful, and sometimes disgusting substances. Now, their water (urine) is being analysed by hygienic boffins to tell us if they are grosser than we originally thought.

Prof Dave Bigley, of Leeds University, said samples could measure factors from idleness and drug use to general fitness, diet, and wellbeing.

Surprising results of Sewage

The analyses, being conducted by a team of peg-nosed, bespectacled scientists, have thrown up some surprising results which have, on occasion, made some of the swots throw up.

For example, one test showed that over 70% of males in Preston, Lancashire had consumed the same breakfast cereals – pop tarts, coco pops, and beef crisps.

The same test conducted in Sunderland, Tyne and Wear demonstrated 65% of Mackems had breakfasted on 5 shredded wheat, Mars chocolate flavoured milk drink, and 3-day-old sausage in batter.

Kipper’s

Another analysis revealed that a staggering 90% of women over 40 had, in one 7-day period eaten six different types of cake, the most popular of which was Mr Kipling Angel Slices (6 pack.) Chicken Korma was also popular among the ladies.

As well as providing dietary data, the new technology also showed that 99.6% of northerners had snorted cocaine or puffed on jazz fag in the previous 6 hours – probably because it’s so grim up north.

Goldfish dandruff

Other revealing substances that showed up in tests were dandruff and back hair, marbles, uneaten porridge (this is also normal in the south – it’s the only way to get rid of it) and goldfish pieces.

Professor Bigley said of his ground-breaking testing programme “We were surprised by the lack of black pudding found, but the quantity of fag butts more than made up for it. We will be testing in Scotland next, so we’re all getting out the sick bags and hazmat suits in readiness! Lol.”

Top Suffolk staycations on huge discounts

The Editor
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Top Suffolk staycations on huge discounts
Top Suffolk staycations on huge discounts

A new local business ‘Shittest holidays Imaginable’ is offering discounts on some fantastic Suffolk staycation destinations.

One stunning holiday that caught the eye of Suffolk Gazette’s tourism expert, Suzanna Robinson is being advertised as ‘Make staying at home feel like going away! – Felixstowe. £75 p/night.’

Suzanna says “It’s my job to check out all the current and upcoming tourism trends, Suffolk staycations and this one really got me excited. I was never really sure about caravanning holidays. Especially in the UK due to the confined spaces, the smell of the plastic windows in hot weather, and the blocked toilets etc. But when I saw what was on offer from this Felixstowe agency, all my reservations melted away.”

The ad describes the seaside staycation, available from November 5th as follows…

Your home from home

Why not spend your holidays relaxing, sunbathing, and dining in style in sunny Felixstowe? For only £75 p/night, you will have access to a dilapidated, old Lighweight Bailey Ranger Six Berth Caravan. Pitched up on-site in our lovely overgrown front garden.

The fibreglass exterior of this deluxe, spacious tourer is dented, cracked and burnt in places. It is missing 3 out of the 4 original windows and there is some minor staining on the door where our Staffs urinate on the step.

The wheels have sunk into the lawn and are tangled with beautiful Dandelions and other weeds. All of the exterior lights are broken.

The full-length awning is faded and ripped and the underskirt could do with a jet wash.

literally outside our home!

The electric hook up was working last time I checked, although I think one of the Staffs has been chewing it so I’ll have to check that. The hitch and wheel lock are long since seized up, totally f*cked.

Inside, there is a large double bed (missing springs), bunk beds (no mattresses and missing ladder) and a dinette (badly stained).

There is a Freesat box and satellite dish but it isn’t working.

There are two empty gas bottles.

Since we listed as Suffolk staycation destination a few weeks ago, a leak from the locker was noticed and also some rot on the kitchen shelving.

The leak has been fixed and my brother says he plans to have the shelf replaced by then end of next week – provided he is let out on bail.

Unfortunately, since we haven’t been using the van of late, we have tended to throw our rubbish into it. So be warned, it is completely full of rubbish.

There is a nice upholstered armchair on the lawn for relaxing and sunbathing but probably best to bring your own cushion.

Everything else fine.

Suffolk staycation ‘MAIN FEATURES’

  • Centre drawers (inc. take-away menus / some mouse droppings)
  • Pull over table (chipped and stained)
  • Centre kitchen with four-ring hob, grill and oven (scratched, greasy. Generally filthy. Doesn’t work – see take-away menus)
  • Sink (missing plug) with mixer tap (jammed / no water supply)
  • Side dinette which converts into bunks beds (don’t ask)
  • Washroom with cassette toilet (unspeakable)
  • Vanity sink and shower (neighbours cat lives in here)
  • Other special features: wardrobe (rickety / no door), heki skylight (covered in moss, gravel and bird shit), gas/electric heater (nope), blown air heating (no way), hot and cold water, blinds (broken) and flyscreens”

Energy Crisis – Britain battles to keep the lights on

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Energy Crisis – Britain battles to keep the lights on
Energy Crisis - Britain battles to keep the lights on

Britain – the fifth richest country in the world, and undoubtedly the greatest nation on Earth (in the 19th century) is facing ‘Energy Crisis’ a life and death struggle just to KEEP THE LIGHTS ON.

That is the stark warning issued by the National Grid today as fears of The Russian Revolutionary Army of Soviet Republics (N.A.S.A.) cutting off gas supplies to the UK heightened.

Energy Crisis

Britain has suffered blackouts several times in the past, most memorably in the 1970s when PM Edward Heath introduced the three-day week to reduce industrial energy consumption.

Today, however, with squint-eyed Russian despot, Vlad the Impaler threatening to pull the plug on Britain’s gas supply, playing the xylophone for three days a week will simply not be enough to keep the home fires burning.

Gas Powered Electric Lights

Confusingly, the vast majority of lights in the UK – including nightlights, torches, fairy lights, and Belisha beacons are powered not by gas, but by electricity. Quite why a shortage of gas, therefore, should cause our lights to go out (Energy Crisis) is anyone’s guess.

Energy Crisis - Britain battles to keep the lights on

Never-Ending Circle of Toil

Allegedly (wait to see the small print), customers will (might) be given money back on their bills if they help prevent blackouts by reducing peak usage.

Hardworking Britons consume a fifth of their daily energy between 4pm and 7pm, whilst doing chores after work when they should rightly be resting.  However, silly bosses at the National Grid are recommending that rather than sleep at night like them, lowly workers should continue to toil THROUGH THE NIGHT charging their mobile phones or washing their work rags in preparation for yet more drudgery the following day.

Plunged Into Undarkness

One Suffolk entrepreneur has caught the mood of the times by opening an all-night tanning salon cum launderette cum amusement arcade cum lighthouse.

Bright spark Barry Gladwell, 52 from the seldom-visited coastal wasteland of Walberswick, came up with the idea of opening Baz’s Amusing all-night, Lights’N’more Tan-and-Washarama after hearing about the blackout warnings.

“I came up with the idea after hearing the blackout warnings” he told this reporter. “I managed to get hold of an inflatable lighthouse that was going cheap on Marketplace.

The previous owner, Cap’n Birdseye, couldn’t use it anymore because it kept deflating every time he put the grill on to cook fish fingers.

Back to the 1970s

“So I had the lighthouse. Then I thought… what would go with a lighthouse that uses up lots of electricity? An amusement arcade of course! So I started collecting unwanted amusements from arcades down in Felixstowe and up there in Lowestoft.

The Bay City Rollers and Fonzie ones are pretty cheap these days. Then I thought, what else? Tanning beds! Loadsa electricity goes into them… perfect! And you can wash your clothes while your tanning like that fella from the Levis advert! Anyway, I’m open all night so come along. You can’t miss us. We’re generating 1.5 gigawatts of Russian leccy. That’s more than got Marty McFly back to the future! ”

Honey Monster ‘addicted to Sugar Puffs’ spotted at GP

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Honey Monster ‘addicted to Sugar Puffs’ spotted at GP

Concern was growing for Honey Monster last night after he was spotted waiting (for hours) at his local GP surgery in Felixstowe – the Suffolk seaside town where he spends his time being ill in a rented caravan.

Insiders at Quaker – the famous food company / religious sect often confused with the Amish (who do not as far as we know produce breakfast cereals) – say that their famous non-species specific, yeti-like icon is suffering from high blood pressure, heart disease, osteoporosis, stomach cancer, kidney disease, and renal stones. He is also clearly obese and at high risk of stroke.

You’re Gonna Have to Face it You’re Addicted to Sugar, Doctors told

The cause of this horrific smorgasbord of illnesses is reported to be…wait for it… Monster’s 35-year addiction to Sugar Puffs (a.k.a. ‘Honey Monster Puffs’), the cereal judged to be ‘worst cereal overall’ by a health study of 25 comparable breakfast cereals*.

With previous recipes containing 48.8g of fat and 610 calories per 100g, high saturated fat, high sugar count, and the highest salt content out of the 25 other cereals tested, Sugar Puffs less closely resemble delicious little healthy puffs of breakfasty goodness than they do Honey Monster’s droppings.

Conceding their shocking historic nutritional statistics, Quaker had to consider rebranding their iconic cereal – first introduced to US breakfast bars in 1957 – ‘Salt Puffs.’

You ain’t nothing but a Honey Monster

The health of the badly groomed breakfast freak or ‘Honey’ as he prefers to be called, has been called into question a number of times recently and his demise has been likened to that of Burger-binging, amphetamine-guzzling, King of Rock, Elvis Presley who died in 1977 in similar circumstances.

Close friends of Honey – celebrity Rice Crispy elves Snap, Crackle & Pop – told the Suffolk Gazette about the sad lifestyle of their ailing buddy.

Crackle: “When Honey was not on set, filming ads, he became bored and when he became bored he ate Puffs. LOTS of Puffs.”

“I mean the thing was limited, he could be in the middle of a crowd and he could be lonely,” added Snap.

Pop revealed the torment at the centre of the hairy thingamybob’s life “He was one of the loneliest monsters I’ve ever, ever seen in my life. We tried to be with him and protect him and keep him happy as best we could. I swear to God we did, man.”

The three elves agreed that it was impossible for them to stop him from overdosing on Sugar Puffs. “How do you protect a Puff Monster from himself?” they asked, dejectedly.

We also contacted the Coco Pops monkey for comment. He replied, sadly “I think in many ways Honey is a tormented yeti. I think he is a victim of himself, his image, and the legend that surrounds him.”

Do you prefer the old, ‘unhealthy but tasty’ Sugar Puffs, favoured by sticky children in the 1970s, or the NEW, healthier ‘floating-cardboard’ Honey Monster Puffs which have virtually no sugar or honey content yet are still more expensive to buy? Tell Us!

US Rapper 50 Cent rebrands as 1 Pound in Britain

The Editor
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US Rapper 50 Cent rebrands as 1 Pound in Britain
US Rapper 50 Cent rebrands as 1 Pound in Britain

Half-priced American Rapper 50 Cent – famous for being shot when he was 12 – today announced that wishes to be known in the UK as ‘1 Pound’.

This astonishing move, which has sent a small ripple through the entertainment world, is presumably connected to the recent fall in the value of UK currency, Sterling.

Rapper 50 Cent

Curtis James Jackson III, who at nine years old sold crack cocaine during playtime at school, broke into the music scene in the early 1990s with a generic rap song that few can remember the title of.

His paltry name was inspired by 1980s Brooklyn street robber, Kevin Martin, who was also known as Rapper 50 Cent.

Jackson said he chose the name because “I’m the same kind of person Rapper 50 Cent was. I provide for myself by any means.” How nice.

Summary of Embroilments

The controversial rapper who, by his own admission, used to bring guns and drug money to school… to school… has, throughout his ‘glittering’ career been embroiled in endless anti-social disturbances, criminal incidents, and bitter personal feuds.

There are too many to list here but in summary it can be said that rap idol, Jackson – who is reputed to have amassed a $40 million fortune – is a drug-dealing gun-runner, vandal, and identity thief, implicated in multiple cases of arson, domestic abuse, and the cruel baiting of a partially deaf autistic boy.

Who says crime doesn’t pay?

Aside from his measly name, Role model, ‘Fiddy’ (‘Quid’ in the UK) has, in the past, displayed other interest in other financial and economic matters. In 2020, he endorsed Donald Trump’s election campaign due to his ‘dislike of Joe Biden’s tax plans.’ Not at all greedy then.

Despite the UK Pound’s recent rocky ride, some economists believe that the successful implementation of Kwasi Kwarteng’s policies for growth in the UK may result in an upturn in the value of Britain’s battered currency.

Should these predictions prove accurate, be prepared for more name changes from the delightful gangsta rapper… ‘Nickel’, ‘Tuppence Ha’Penny’, ‘Lady Godiva’ or plain old ‘Bob’ are all good bets.

How to cope with depression: 6 things to try

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How to cope with depression: 6 things to try
How to cope with depression: 6 things to try

Depression is tough to deal with, especially when you find yourself alone, tired, and in a poor mood. Visiting a doctor is a priority in managing this condition in the long run. But are there things you can do to cope with depression?

The answer is yes, and even small changes could make big differences. Here are the things to try to feel better when feeling depressed!

1. Understand You Only Feel That Way at This Moment

The first step is to recognize that thoughts and emotions change in seconds, minutes, or days. Perhaps you slept in today and haven’t reached the set goals, but you’ll have a new opportunity to do better tomorrow.

It helps to focus on good things that’ll happen in the future. Is there a new episode of the show you like on TV this evening? Is your sports team playing tonight, or do you plan to get together with friends? Focus on those events and think about how you can use the time until they begin.

2. Grab a CBD Gummy

Cannabidiol (CBD) is an active component found in the cannabis plant. The major difference compared to THC is that CBD doesn’t have psychoactive characteristics. So, you go for a CBD cannabis product without THC, and there’s no chance of getting high.

CBD is famous for its benefits in relieving stress, anxiety, and pain. It can assist in managing depression symptoms. And the best part is it comes in many forms. You can consume tinctures, vapes, edibles, etc. Gummies are perfect to use on the go and from any location. According to the JustCBD gummies review, the generous CBD quantity ensures that even a single candy could relieve stress and anxiety.

3. Look for Support from Others

It’s impossible to cope with depression without the help of loved ones. Those could be your partners, family members, and friends. The important thing is to build a social network for support. If you feel down, contact someone from the group. 

You can share your thoughts or talk about other topics to feel better. If it’s possible, grab a coffee together. Spending time with others in social environments is an excellent method to combat loneliness, which is among common depression symptoms.

4. Build a Sleeping Routine

Depressed people often have problems falling asleep at night but also waking up in the morning. Sleep hygiene is important, and following your circadian rhythm can help you cope with depression.

The idea is simple – head to bed before midnight and wake up as close to dawn as possible. You need to get at least seven hours of sleep at night. Establish a schedule of sleeping hours and build a bedtime routine.

Your bedtime routine should include:

  • Relaxing with your favorite activities. It could be a book that makes you feel well, listening to music, etc.
  • Stay away from screens. You don’t need TVs or phones – they’ll only distract your body and mind from getting into resting mode.
  • Try breathing exercises or meditation. Some find these great to relax, along with stretching exercises.
  • Take a warm bath. Apart from having a soothing effect, it’ll drop your overall body temperature to help you enter resting mode.

5. Deal with Procrastination

Procrastination often follows depression since you don’t feel the desire to do anything. But it’s a vicious circle since not doing anything increases your stress and guilt that you haven’t handled promised tasks.

If you feel depressed, consider setting small short-term goals. Don’t expect too much from yourself that day, and be happy you finished one or two tasks. But also, set up goals that’ll make you happy. Make it a task to play your favorite game for two hours or do anything that would make you feel better. The important thing is to get active instead of lying down in your bed with negative thoughts.

6. Physical Activity Is a Great Way to Deal with Stress

Getting active is the way to manage stress, so how about making the most of it? Regular physical activity will increase your endorphin levels. Many refer to endorphins as “feel-good” chemicals since these hormones boost your mood.

The chosen exercise should fit your physical condition and style. If you enjoy long runs, go for it. But if you prefer swimming or cycling, pick that as your regular physical activity. Even a simple walk in the park would do, but make sure it lasts at least 30 minutes.

Final Thoughts

The statistics aren’t encouraging as they say 3.8% of the worldwide population is dealing with depression. Coping isn’t easy, but the above-mentioned mechanisms could help you feel better.

Exercising, doing things you love, and spending time with people you like are all go-to activities when depressed. Adjust your daily schedule and lifestyle to include these activities regularly. It’ll empower you to deal with this condition and feel better in the long run, which is the ultimate goal!

Gordon Ramsay On Cocaine

The Editor
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Gordon Ramsay On Cocaine
Gordon Ramsay On Cocaine
Gordon Ramsay On Cocaine

They say if you want a wall built, hire a builder, and if you want to successfully prosecute a legal case, hire a lawyer. It’s no surprise therefore that when TV bosses wanted a show devoted to the abuse of vast quantities of cocaine, they turned to ‘telly addict’, Gordon Ramsay called Gordon Ramsay On Cocaine.

Keep It Off

The ‘new’ TV show, which is nothing like ‘Ross Kemp on Gangs’ stars Ramsay called: Gordon Ramsay On Cocaine and is produced by… wait for it… Studio Ramsay (How did he get the job? Hmmm?).

The production company says of the ground-retreading series (so, essentially Gordon talking about himself) “Gordon Ramsay travels to South and Central America to discover where the cocaine comes from and how it gets back to the United Kingdom.

While back in the in the U.K. he learns what is being done to try to keep it off the streets.”

He clearly has a special interest.

Popular With TV Celebrities

As one of the most addictive drugs of all, cocaine (popular with TV celebrities that’s why Gordon Ramsay On Cocaine) weakens a person’s ability to control dosage and frequency of use. While each person’s body may react differently, 10 common side effects of cocaine abuse are:

– PHYSICAL CHANGES – Dilated pupils, increased heart rate, body temperature rises, face reddens. Remind you of anyone?

– ADVERSE REACTIONS – Muscle twitches, tremors, agitated appearance. Remind you of anyone?

– VIOLENT BEHAVIOR – Violent, erratic, and oftentimes bizarre behavior. Remind you of anyone?DIGESTIVE PROBLEMS – Causing one to have a special interest in food and diet. Remind you of anyone?

– BINGE PATTERNS – As tolerance levels tend to rise quickly, each successive dosage /need to appear on TV/ego trip, grows larger and larger. Remind you of anyone?

– SENSITIZATION – A person may start to experience a distorted sense of balance whenever using cocaine. Remind you of anyone?

– PSYCHOLOGICAL DISTRESS – With continued use, a person’s psychological health becomes compromised to the point where he or she experiences feelings of paranoia, fury, and extreme dissatisfaction with the efforts and accomplishments of others.

Remind you of anyone? PSYCHOSIS – As brain functions deteriorate from ongoing cocaine use, a person may start to develop psychotic symptoms, such as believing one is working in a kitchen run by the Devil, and generally losing touch with reality.

Remind you of anyone? DEPRESSION – After so many weeks or months of using, brain chemical levels remain in an imbalanced state. Symptoms often appear as ‘losing faith in those one is trying to help.’ Remind you of anyone?

– SUICIDAL THOUGHTS – This one is reserved for viewers of Ramsay’s never-ending new TV series.

if you watch the show: Gordon Ramsay On Cocaine, give us its feedback at editor@suffolkgazette.com

A Suffolk native 2000 year old stone mask found in Mexico

The Editor
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A Suffolk native 2000 year old stone mask found in Mexico
A Suffolk native 2000 year old stone mask found in Mexico
Raider of the unlost Pyramid finds possessed 2000-year-old stone mask. Puts it on.

In scenes reminiscent of the 1994 smash hit Jim Carrey movie, ‘The Mask’, an intrepid Suffolk native, recently returned from Teotihuacan, Mexico, has been possessed by a freaky 2000-year-old green stone mask.

Gerald Gladden, 43 of Knettishall, W.Suffolk (an explorer type) is an extreme traveller, regularly sailing or jetting-off to all corners of the globe on some damn fool crusade or expedition.

Ever since watching Raiders of the Lost Ark as a kid. He has spent a lifetime pursuing adventure, excitement, and hidden treasure – just like his idol – Han Solo.

After years of scraping around in the sand and mud, making occasional finds of mundane historical artifacts such as; whalebone combs, worthless 19th Century coins, endless bits of bombed WWII crockery etc. Gladden finally struck pay dirt when he dug up his ‘find of a lifetime’ (Suffolk native stone mask)at the foot of the ‘Pyramind of the Sun’ in Teotihuacan, Mexico.

Gerald takes up the story. “So I am particularly interested in the Teotihuacanos Aztecs who were incredibly innovative and capable engineers.

They started the pyramid in 200 AD and it still stands today. Their cameras still work as well.”

Go on…

“The Teotihuacanos finished the pyramid with green lime plaster imported from surrounding areas, on which they painted brilliantly coloured murals.

While the pyramid has endured for centuries, the paint and plaster have not and are no longer visible, however, Jaguar heads and paws, stars, and snake rattles are among the few images associated with the pyramids and can still be seen at the pyramid site today.”

How did he find the ‘Suffolk Native’ mask?

“Well, there is an internal staircase in the pyramid and apparently the ancient mosaic designs and other wonders that can be seen on the way up are spellbinding.

Unfortunately, my back had been giving me gyp so I couldn’t be arsed to climb it. I decided to stay at the bottom and have a fag instead.

When I’d finished, I stubbed the butt out in the sand below my feet. As I did, I heard this strange squeaky sound – a bit like that sound you get when you stub out a fag butt on the nose of an ancient Aztec Green Serpentine Suffolk native Stone mask.

Well, that was it. I scraped the rest of the sand away with the outside of my trainer and… bejeezus… there it was. Staring back up at me. Find of a lifetime!”

What did you do?

“I lit another fag and smoked it. Then, I picked up the mask and… well… what does anyone do when they find an ancient ceremonial mask, most likely imbued with a 2000-year-old, evil voodoo spirit? Yep.

You guessed it… I asked the old lady who was standing next to me if she wouldn’t mind trying it on.”

Did she?

“Yes and no. She tried, but the silly cow, put it (the Suffolk native mask) on upside down. She was foreign, probably Mexican.

I took it back off her and said ‘No! Not like that… like this…’ and… yes… you guessed it again… I put it on my own face to show her how and… BLAM! You can imagine the rest.”

At this stage of the interview, the expression on Mr Gladden’s face hardened.

All the colour drained away and the skin on his face began to peel and crumble. Then, the flesh on his face, his nose, and his ears disintegrated and dropped to the floor.

His eyes exploded like lychees being squashed in a baby gorilla’s hand,  and what was left of his mouth began to dribble slime.

F*ck that, thought this reporter as I turned and ran for the door.

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