Tuesday, November 29, 2022

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Northerners sewage content revealed

Northerners sewage content revealed

Sewage water in the north of England is being tested to provide data on the health and well-being of people in the north.

‘Northerners’ as they are known to people in the south – are known for consuming all manner of weird, wonderful, and sometimes disgusting substances. Now, their water (urine) is being analysed by hygienic boffins to tell us if they are grosser than we originally thought.

Prof Dave Bigley, of Leeds University, said samples could measure factors from idleness and drug use to general fitness, diet, and wellbeing.

Surprising results of Sewage

The analyses, being conducted by a team of peg-nosed, bespectacled scientists, have thrown up some surprising results which have, on occasion, made some of the swots throw up.

For example, one test showed that over 70% of males in Preston, Lancashire had consumed the same breakfast cereals – pop tarts, coco pops, and beef crisps.

The same test conducted in Sunderland, Tyne and Wear demonstrated 65% of Mackems had breakfasted on 5 shredded wheat, Mars chocolate flavoured milk drink, and 3-day-old sausage in batter.

Kipper’s

Another analysis revealed that a staggering 90% of women over 40 had, in one 7-day period eaten six different types of cake, the most popular of which was Mr Kipling Angel Slices (6 pack.) Chicken Korma was also popular among the ladies.

As well as providing dietary data, the new technology also showed that 99.6% of northerners had snorted cocaine or puffed on jazz fag in the previous 6 hours – probably because it’s so grim up north.

Goldfish dandruff

Other revealing substances that showed up in tests were dandruff and back hair, marbles, uneaten porridge (this is also normal in the south – it’s the only way to get rid of it) and goldfish pieces.

Professor Bigley said of his ground-breaking testing programme “We were surprised by the lack of black pudding found, but the quantity of fag butts more than made up for it. We will be testing in Scotland next, so we’re all getting out the sick bags and hazmat suits in readiness! Lol.”

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