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Narcissistic Cockatoo crowned ‘most glamorous’ in online pet pageant, immediately demands red carpet

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Narcissistic Cockatoo crowned ‘most glamorous’ in online pet pageant, immediately demands red carpet
Narcissistic Cockatoo crowned ‘most glamorous’ in online pet pageant, immediately demands red carpet

GILDED CAGE, SUFFOLK – A pet cockatoo from Brome, Suffolk, has soared to internet stardom after being crowned Most Glamorous Cockatoo in a national online competition.

Entertainment Editor: Arthur Pint

The bird in question, a preening white-feathered diva named Faye, is the beloved (and occasionally bullied) pet of Linda Cragg, 62, a retired marmite jar-filler who now spends her days polishing bird perches and defending Faye’s increasingly unhinged ego.

Pet Cockatoo

“She’s always been a bit of a show-off,” admits Linda, proudly clutching the digital rosette printed from Facebook. “Ever since she saw her own reflection in the toaster, she’s believed she’s royalty.”

Neighbours have described Faye as “highly narcissistic,” “deeply self-absorbed,” and “probably too fabulous to be legally classified as a bird.” She’s known to squawk unsolicited compliments at herself, such as: “I flew past a window and it asked for my autograph!”, “When I enter a room, even the wallpaper gasps!”, and “Other birds ask if I’m high maintenance — honey, I am the peak!”

Top seed

The online competition saw over 500 feathered hopefuls entered by doting pet owners nationwide. But it was Faye’s poise, pristine plumage, and what judges referred to as her “six-inch legs of sultry splendour” that clinched the title.

“Frankly, she walked it,” said head judge and noted budgerigar influencer, Clive Featherstone. “She didn’t just strut — she glided like she knew the world was watching.”

Since her win, Faye has demanded a silk-covered perch, daily mirror time. It is rumoured to be working on a memoir titled Winged & Winning: The Faye Story.

Linda, for her part, just hopes fame won’t go to her head. Too late.

Meanwhile: Cocky Cockatoos Captured at Zoo for swearing at visitors

Disgruntled chicken & gravy pie ruins Suffolk bachelor’s dinner

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Disgruntled chicken & gravy pie ruins Suffolk bachelor’s dinner
Disgruntled chicken & gravy pie ruins Suffolk bachelor’s dinner

KENTFORD, SUFFOLK –  A peaceful Tuesday evening turned eerie after a Birds Eye Chicken & Gravy Pie developed a serious attitude problem midway through dinner preparations.

Entertainment Editor: Arthur Pint

Jeremy Quagmire, a 44-year-old bachelor and former part-time jigsaw librarian, had looked forward all day to his usual treat: a steaming pie served with broccoli and carrots on his favourite chipped plate, “The Duchess of Sandwich.”

But the meal took a chilling turn when, upon removing the chicken & gravy pie from the oven, Jeremy noticed it was glaring at him.

“It had this twisted, crusty grimace,” Jeremy explained. “Like it had seen unspeakable things inside my fridge and couldn’t forgive me for it. One side of the pastry was sort of puffed up into what I can only describe as a sneer.”

Jeremy, who lives alone with a collection of antique spoons and a cat named Keith, said he was particularly rattled by the fact that the gravy inside seemed to bubble in an accusatory manner.

“I’m not sure if it didn’t like vegetables, or maybe it just disapproved of the plate,” he added. “But that chicken & gravy pie made me feel like I’d done something terribly wrong.”

Fowl Mood

Despite the chicken & gravy pie’s threatening pastry demeanour, Jeremy — who reported having no other food in the house but three pickled onions and a tin of expired Ambrosia — ate the meal anyway.

“It was alright,” he confirmed, “but I didn’t feel good about it. Every mouthful felt like a moral battle.”

Birds Eye declined to comment, though an internal source did admit that their products are “not designed to judge the consumer, emotionally or otherwise.”

Jeremy has since switched to fish fingers. “At least they don’t look at me,” he said, with visible relief.

Meanwhile: Waitrose to hold open evenings for common people only

Claw and Order: Ipswich Co-op deploys moggie to tackle shoplifters

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Claw and Order: Ipswich Co-op deploys moggie to tackle shoplifters
Ipswich Co-op deploys moggie to tackle shoplifters

CO-OP, IPSWCH – The Ipswich branch of the Co-op has unveiled its newest anti-theft strategy: a furious, hissing munchkin cat named Venom.

Entertainment Editor: Arthur Pint

Venom, a two-year-old feline with the legs of a corgi and the temperament of a wolverine, belongs to assistant manager Denise Mallory, who brought him in “just to see what would happen.” What happened, it turns out, is a 300% drop in shoplifting and a 700% increase in startled pensioners.

Positioned menacingly near the self-checkouts like a furry gargoyle, Venom glares at customers attempting to under-scan meal deals and lashes out at anyone who rustles a crisp packet suspiciously. “He doesn’t like eye contact,” Mallory explained. “Or people. Or joy.”

Furmidable Force

The move comes amid growing frustration over the UK’s shoplifting epidemic, with security guards increasingly reluctant to intervene in thefts for fear of being sued, stabbed, or scolded on social media. “It’s a tough environment,” said one guard. “We can’t detain anyone anymore unless they sign a consent form and pose for a LinkedIn photo.”

Venom, however, has no such qualms. He has scratched three suspected thieves, menaced a student into paying for chewing gum, and once stared down a known serial looter until they fled — leaving behind a basket and part of their soul.

While some customers have voiced concern over Venom’s aggressive purring and “unblinking judgement,” most agree it’s working. “I was going to nick a chicken sandwich,” said one teen, “but then that thing blinked at me and I just… I don’t know who I am anymore.”

The Co-op has now placed a sign at the door: “Shoplifters will be clawed.”

Venom, meanwhile, is on break — glaring at pigeons.

Centenary party planned for ‘Thatcher the Scratcher’

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Centenary party planned for ‘Thatcher the Scratcher’

GRANTHAM, LINCOLNSHIRE – Grantham, birthplace of former Prime Minister and part-time disco enthusiast, Margaret Thatcher, is preparing to host the “Festival of Thatcher” this October, marking 100 years since her birth.

Entertainment Editor: Arthur Pint

South Kesteven District Council announced a week-long programme of festivities. Proposals include specially dedicated beers like Iron Lady IPA and Grantham Lass Lager, which organisers say will “relate to the Thatcher experience” — presumably bitter, hard to swallow, and leaving a lingering impact for decades.

While the official schedule remains more elusive than affordable council housing, leaked documents from the Local Democracy Reporting Service suggest plans are afoot to rename Grantham’s central square to “St. Margaret’s Groovepad” for one night only — a nod to a little-known confession Thatcher once made to Cabinet enforcer and personal confidant, Sir Norman Tebbit.

Let’s get this Tory party started

According to a source close to Sir Norman, the former PM once leaned in during a particularly long Cabinet meeting on privatisation and whispered, “Norman, sometimes I wish I could pack it all in and become a DJ. Imagine it — Maggie on the decks, spinning for the nation.” Though the moment was lost beneath an argument about rail fares, Sir Norman reportedly never forgot.

“The rhythm of the free market is not so different from the beat of a disco anthem,” he reflected years later in his unpublished memoir Spinning & Winning: My Years with Margaret.

As anticipation builds, locals remain divided. One councillor suggested a silent disco “out of respect”, while another proposed a rave in the style of the Falklands campaign — short, triumphant, and soundtracked by Queen.

The Iron Lady may be gone, but in Grantham, her remix lives on.

Must Read: Professional pub drinkers call for amateur Christmas drinkers ban

Sci-Fi in suburbia: Cyberman’s Tesco trip baffles Ipswich commuters

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Sci-Fi in suburbia: Cyberman’s Tesco trip baffles Ipswich commuters
Sci-Fi in suburbia: Cyberman’s Tesco trip baffles Ipswich commuters

IPSWICH, PLANET EARTH – Passengers aboard the No.13 bus traveling to Copdock Tesco via Hawthorn Drive and Belmont Road experienced a spectacle straight out of a sci-fi script “Cyberman”.

Entertainment Editor: Arthur Pint

Witnesses report seeing a Cyberman — yes, one of those famously emotionless Doctor Who villains — but not as they know it. This new variant boasted the usual tubular helmet frame but came in a startling bright banana yellow.

Doctor asks who?

Commuters initially assumed it was a particularly vivid Halloween costume or some avant-garde street performance, but the figure’s deadpan metallic gaze suggested otherwise. “At first, I thought it was just someone who’d really overdone the high-vis gear,” said fellow passenger Dr Helen Marsh. “But then it didn’t blink, or check their phone. It just stared ahead, as if calculating the existential dread of queueing at Tesco’s reduced aisle.”

Cyberman mystery

Why this Banana Cyberman was on the bus remains a mystery. Speculation abounds that the Cybermen, traditionally bent on converting humanity into cybernetic drones, might have returned with a new mission: to eradicate the latest iteration of Doctor Who itself. The controversial series, recently cancelled by the BBC after consistently poor viewing figures and widespread critical disdain, may have provoked the ire of these fictional villains.

“If you ask me, even the Cybermen want to reboot the show,” joked bus driver Steve Collins. “I just hope they don’t start asking for Oyster cards — those things are a nightmare.”

For now, Ipswich’s No.13 bus route has entered the annals of pop culture history as the place where sci-fi lore met suburban shopping runs — with a splash of yellow. Passengers are advised to keep an eye out for any other unexpected extraterrestrial commuters.

Meanwhile: Ryanair pilots hi-five at 30,000ft

Possessed washing machine sends Suffolk man to hospital with heart attack

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Possessed washing machine sends Suffolk man to hospital with heart attack
Possessed washing machine sends Suffolk man to hospital with heart attack

A quiet Suffolk household was thrown into chaos last Thursday after a routine load of laundry left one man traumatised and in hospital — all thanks to what he described as a “demonic domestic appliance.”

Entertainment Editor: Arthur Pint

The Suffolk man, George St Pancras, 58, had just returned from his shift at the local garden centre when he entered the utility room to deposit his dirty overalls. What he saw next, however, sent him into immediate cardiac arrest.

The washing machine — reportedly left open by his wife Shirley — was, according to George, “clearly possessed by Satan himself.” A blood-red t-shirt was dangling from the door like a grotesque tongue, while the control knobs, twisted at peculiar angles, gave the machine the appearance of “two spinning, psychotic eyes.”

“It looked like it was about to eat him,” said Shirley, 57, who found George collapsed in a heap next to the detergent drawer. “Honestly, I just left the laundry halfway through to answer the phone. I didn’t realise I’d created a hellmouth.”

Heart conditioner

Paramedics arrived within minutes, noting that while George was clutching his chest in agony, he was also muttering about “the machine grinning at him.”

Doctors at West Suffolk Hospital confirmed George had suffered a mild heart attack “brought on by extreme domestic shock.” He is said to be recovering well and has requested his bed face away from the hospital laundry chute.

Shirley, meanwhile, remains unrepentant. “He’s lucky it wasn’t the tumble dryer — that thing does growl.”

George has since vowed never to enter the utility room alone again and is reportedly in talks with a local vicar about having the washing machine exorcised.

Residents try to deter gent fiddling with their laundry

Air Farce: Iran scrambles toy aircraft in response to Israeli strikes

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Air Farce: Iran scrambles toy aircraft in response to Israeli strikes
Air Farce: Iran scrambles toy aircraft in response to Israeli strikes
Iran scrambles toy aircraft in response to Israeli strikes

TEHRAN, IRAN – In the wake of coordinated Israeli airstrikes on Iranian nuclear facilities and military sites. Tehran has promised a “harsh response” — although international observers remain puzzled after witnessing what appears to be a regiment of Iranian pilots sprinting across airfields wearing fibreglass aircraft shells strapped to their shoulders.

Defence Editor: Doug Trench

The operation, dubbed “Operation Heavenly Deception,” is believed to be part of Iran’s latest military innovation. A fleet of carbon-fibre aircraft allegedly crafted from decommissioned children’s roundabouts and municipal playground equipment. The 5ft mock-fighters, painted in patriotic greens and festooned with hastily glued-on fins, are described by defence analysts as “visually ambitious but aerodynamically irrelevant.”

Countering Israeli strikes

“They appear to have no engines, no avionics, and no weaponry,” confirmed Dr. Sheila Gribbins of the International Institute for Strategic Studies. “In fact, I watched one pilot fall over trying to ascend a runway slope. He was carrying a bottle of Yazd mineral water in the cockpit.”

Nevertheless, Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei declared the squadron a “symbol of our spiritual aeronautical superiority,”. Vowing that Israel would face a “bitter and painful fate,” presumably through psychological confusion.

Run way

Satellite images have shown dozens of these pint-sized decoys being arranged into attack formations in response to Israeli strikes, despite being incapable of flight. Iran’s state broadcaster IRIB proudly aired footage of several heroic pilots jogging beneath their fuselages. While patriotic music blared and technicians clapped from the sidelines.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, speaking from an undisclosed and noticeably smug location, dismissed the countermeasures as “cosplay for clerics.”

As fears of wider regional conflict mount, one thing remains certain. Iran’s latest foray into military innovation proves that, when resources dwindle, playgrounds are the new battlegrounds.

Female pilots seek Iranian revolution

Bearly Recognisable: 70s icon Bungle falls on hard times

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Bearly Recognisable: 70s icon Bungle falls on hard times
Bearly Recognisable: 70s icon Bungle falls on hard times

DARMSDEN, SUFFOLK – Residents of the sleepy Suffolk village of Darmsden were left stunned this week when beloved 1970s children’s TV icon Bungle the Bear was spotted panhandling for cash and cigarettes outside the Hope & Anchor pub.

Entertainment Editor: Arthur Pint

The sighting was made by Mildred Thong, 72, who described the encounter as “deeply upsetting,” though she added, “he always did seem a bit weird.”

Mrs Thong, a loyal Rainbow viewer in the late 1970s with her children Ken and another Ken, said she recognised Bungle immediately despite the “tatty fur, bloodshot eyes, and a faint smell of White Lightning.”

“He asked me for a Rizla and a quid for the fruit machine,” she recalled. “I thought, ‘Blimey, that’s Bungle – he used to live with Zippy and George. Now he’s got a Lidl bag and a limp.’”

Since Rainbow ended in 1997, Bungle is reported to have struggled with alcohol, women, prescription gummibears, and a string of unsuccessful pantomime appearances. In 2012, he made headlines after being arrested on suspicion of stalking co-star Jane, though no charges were brought, and Jane has since referred to it as “an unpleasant experience during which I was exposed to things I never saw on the show.”

Pot of crap at the end of the rainbow

Locals have reportedly contacted the RSPCA, unsure whether Bungle still qualifies as wildlife or simply “a man in a bear suit who’s lost his way.”

When approached for comment, the pub landlord said, “He’s welcome in here as long as he doesn’t sing the Rainbow theme again.”

Fans of the show have taken to social media to share support. One user wrote: “It’s heartbreaking. He helped teach me colours and the joys of dungarees”

A crowdfunding campaign, “Help Bungle Bear It,” has so far raised £90.

1970s children’s TV responsible for crime wave

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