Concern was growing for Honey Monster last night after he was spotted waiting (for hours) at his local GP surgery in Felixstowe – the Suffolk seaside town where he spends his time being ill in a rented caravan.
Insiders at Quaker – the famous food company / religious sect often confused with the Amish (who do not as far as we know produce breakfast cereals) – say that their famous non-species specific, yeti-like icon is suffering from high blood pressure, heart disease, osteoporosis, stomach cancer, kidney disease, and renal stones. He is also clearly obese and at high risk of stroke.
You’re Gonna Have to Face it You’re Addicted to Sugar, Doctors told
The cause of this horrific smorgasbord of illnesses is reported to be…wait for it… Monster’s 35-year addiction to Sugar Puffs (a.k.a. ‘Honey Monster Puffs’), the cereal judged to be ‘worst cereal overall’ by a health study of 25 comparable breakfast cereals*.
With previous recipes containing 48.8g of fat and 610 calories per 100g, high saturated fat, high sugar count, and the highest salt content out of the 25 other cereals tested, Sugar Puffs less closely resemble delicious little healthy puffs of breakfasty goodness than they do Honey Monster’s droppings.
Conceding their shocking historic nutritional statistics, Quaker had to consider rebranding their iconic cereal – first introduced to US breakfast bars in 1957 – ‘Salt Puffs.’
You ain’t nothing but a Honey Monster
The health of the badly groomed breakfast freak or ‘Honey’ as he prefers to be called, has been called into question a number of times recently and his demise has been likened to that of Burger-binging, amphetamine-guzzling, King of Rock, Elvis Presley who died in 1977 in similar circumstances.
Close friends of Honey – celebrity Rice Crispy elves Snap, Crackle & Pop – told the Suffolk Gazette about the sad lifestyle of their ailing buddy.
Crackle: “When Honey was not on set, filming ads, he became bored and when he became bored he ate Puffs. LOTS of Puffs.”
“I mean the thing was limited, he could be in the middle of a crowd and he could be lonely,” added Snap.
Pop revealed the torment at the centre of the hairy thingamybob’s life “He was one of the loneliest monsters I’ve ever, ever seen in my life. We tried to be with him and protect him and keep him happy as best we could. I swear to God we did, man.”
The three elves agreed that it was impossible for them to stop him from overdosing on Sugar Puffs. “How do you protect a Puff Monster from himself?” they asked, dejectedly.
We also contacted the Coco Pops monkey for comment. He replied, sadly “I think in many ways Honey is a tormented yeti. I think he is a victim of himself, his image, and the legend that surrounds him.”
Do you prefer the old, ‘unhealthy but tasty’ Sugar Puffs, favoured by sticky children in the 1970s, or the NEW, healthier ‘floating-cardboard’ Honey Monster Puffs which have virtually no sugar or honey content yet are still more expensive to buy? Tell Us!