In scenes reminiscent of the 1994 smash hit Jim Carrey movie, ‘The Mask’, an intrepid Suffolk native, recently returned from Teotihuacan, Mexico, has been possessed by a freaky 2000-year-old green stone mask.
Gerald Gladden, 43 of Knettishall, W.Suffolk (an explorer type) is an extreme traveller, regularly sailing or jetting-off to all corners of the globe on some damn fool crusade or expedition.
Ever since watching Raiders of the Lost Ark as a kid. He has spent a lifetime pursuing adventure, excitement, and hidden treasure – just like his idol – Han Solo.
After years of scraping around in the sand and mud, making occasional finds of mundane historical artifacts such as; whalebone combs, worthless 19th Century coins, endless bits of bombed WWII crockery etc. Gladden finally struck pay dirt when he dug up his ‘find of a lifetime’ (Suffolk native stone mask)at the foot of the ‘Pyramind of the Sun’ in Teotihuacan, Mexico.
Gerald takes up the story. “So I am particularly interested in the Teotihuacanos Aztecs who were incredibly innovative and capable engineers.
They started the pyramid in 200 AD and it still stands today. Their cameras still work as well.”
“The Teotihuacanos finished the pyramid with green lime plaster imported from surrounding areas, on which they painted brilliantly coloured murals.
While the pyramid has endured for centuries, the paint and plaster have not and are no longer visible, however, Jaguar heads and paws, stars, and snake rattles are among the few images associated with the pyramids and can still be seen at the pyramid site today.”
How did he find the ‘Suffolk Native’ mask?
“Well, there is an internal staircase in the pyramid and apparently the ancient mosaic designs and other wonders that can be seen on the way up are spellbinding.
Unfortunately, my back had been giving me gyp so I couldn’t be arsed to climb it. I decided to stay at the bottom and have a fag instead.
When I’d finished, I stubbed the butt out in the sand below my feet. As I did, I heard this strange squeaky sound – a bit like that sound you get when you stub out a fag butt on the nose of an ancient Aztec Green Serpentine Suffolk native Stone mask.
Well, that was it. I scraped the rest of the sand away with the outside of my trainer and… bejeezus… there it was. Staring back up at me. Find of a lifetime!”
What did you do?
“I lit another fag and smoked it. Then, I picked up the mask and… well… what does anyone do when they find an ancient ceremonial mask, most likely imbued with a 2000-year-old, evil voodoo spirit? Yep.
You guessed it… I asked the old lady who was standing next to me if she wouldn’t mind trying it on.”
“Yes and no. She tried, but the silly cow, put it (the Suffolk native mask) on upside down. She was foreign, probably Mexican.
I took it back off her and said ‘No! Not like that… like this…’ and… yes… you guessed it again… I put it on my own face to show her how and… BLAM! You can imagine the rest.”
At this stage of the interview, the expression on Mr Gladden’s face hardened.
All the colour drained away and the skin on his face began to peel and crumble. Then, the flesh on his face, his nose, and his ears disintegrated and dropped to the floor.
His eyes exploded like lychees being squashed in a baby gorilla’s hand, and what was left of his mouth began to dribble slime.
F*ck that, thought this reporter as I turned and ran for the door.