STOWMARKET – Suffolk-based funeral firm Budget Funerals Ltd has launched a no-frills send-off for the dearly departed. That’s turning heads – and stomachs – across East Anglia.
Security Correspondent: Ben Twarters
Dubbed the ‘Shred & Scatter’ package, the £49.99 funeral service is marketed as the perfect solution. For those finding traditional burials “a bit steep” and cremations “too hot to handle.” The offer includes a modest funeral service, a one-way ride in the company’s signature hearse. A post-service shredding session using a high-powered industrial wood chipper bolted to the back of the vehicle.
Following the ceremony, the casket is returned to the hearse – at which point the grieving party is politely asked to clear the area. The coffin is then fed into the chipper mid-transit. With the remains of both oak and occupant scattered gracefully across rural B-roads like confetti from the afterlife.
Dead shred
Company founder Barry “Baz” Grubb defended the practice as “eco-conscious, highly efficient, and very reasonably priced, considering the rising cost of death.”
Motorists following a Chip and Bin procession are advised to stay at least 10 metres back, or bring a windscreen scraper.
Public reaction has been mixed. One satisfied customer described the service as “fast, fuss-free, and oddly poetic.” Others have called it “a macabre cross between Driving Miss Daisy and a lumberjack festival.”
Nonetheless, Grubb says bookings are up, especially among those with a strong dislike of their relatives or a fondness for wood chips.
MIDDLETON, SUFFOLK — What was meant to be a road safety innovation has become an unintentional attraction — and a hazard — as a giant 22-foot convex traffic mirror installed on a notoriously sharp bend near Middleton has led to a surge in local accidents.
Security Correspondent: Ben Twarters
Installed last week by Suffolk Highways at a cost of £47,000, the enormous circular mirror was designed to give drivers a clearer view around the bend, long considered an accident hotspot. But residents say the only thing it’s enhanced is their ability to admire themselves from a distance of 300 yards.
“It’s like driving past a funfair mirror from a dystopian future,” said local farmer Ken Bletchley, who has witnessed three minor collisions and one emotional breakdown since its unveiling. “I nearly put the tractor into a ditch yesterday when I caught a glimpse of myself waving.”
Mirror, signal, manoeuvre
Motorists report being so mesmerised by the sheer scale and clarity of the mirror — and their own distorted reflections — that they forget to steer altogether. One motorist described seeing “an entire lorry look like a curly wurly,” moments before it veered into a hedge.
“The intent was good,” said a Suffolk Council spokesperson, “but we may have underestimated the human weakness for vanity and novelty.”
The mirror is also rumoured to have briefly blinded a passing cyclist during sunrise, and a local fox was seen barking at its own reflection for over twenty minutes on Tuesday.
A review is now under way, with suggestions ranging from “putting a tarp over it” to “replacing it with a much smaller, less sexy mirror.” In the meantime, warning signs reading “DO NOT ADMIRE YOURSELF WHILE DRIVING” have been posted nearby.
No fatalities have occurred — unless you count self-esteem.
Casinos are no longer about simple slots or Blackjack. These days, casino visitors are now seeking experiences that go beyond just a winning hand. This is where uncommon games are growing in popularity. These experiences are known for adding surprise, amusement, and something to talk about.
1. Making a Splash with Underwater Roulette
For this variation, picture a roulette table set beneath a pool of water in a special event or themed venue. Bubbles drift through the water as the wheel turns, adding an unpredictable twist. Unlike in ordinary roulette, it’s not just about spinning and winning. With underwater roulette, it becomes about the atmosphere, the muffled hum, and the gentle motion of water. Many players get drawn in by the novelty of the game.
Now, even online versions of this game are appearing on more flexible platforms. You no longer need to stick to the boring (and often lifeless) casino games associated with traditional online sites. These non-Gamstop platforms are known for their vast game libraries and looser restrictions, and give players access to unique, niche options (like underwater roulette) that mainstream online casinos might never host (source: https://esports-news.co.uk/online-casinos/non-gamstop/).
2. Human Roulette?
Forget wheels and balls, this version of roulette places a performer in the centre stage. Dressed in numbered costumes, they stand on a rotating platform as participants watch. From here, a random number determines a quirky dare or prize. Driven by human movement, this unpredictability gives human roulette a playful edge. It’s a performance that keeps the spotlight on laughter as much as on chance.
3. Rolling Your Way Across the Course with Dice Golf
Dice Golf blends tabletop dice gaming with the feel of the putting green. Each “shot” is decided by rolling dice that describe outcomes: distance, hazards, or a straight putt. You work your way through virtual holes laid out on a board. Its accessibility makes it perfect for those craving a lighter challenge.
4. Adding Electricity to the Wheel of Fortune
This isn’t your usual wheel. Segments glow with light and offer different multipliers. When it stops, a dramatic electric spark flickers on the wheel. The goal here is atmospheric, as the audible crackle builds suspense before revealing a result. It turns betting into a small spectacle.
5. Human Slot Machine: Bring Reels to Life
With this live version, you watch people dressed as symbols (fruits, animals, shapes, etc) come on stage behind curtains. Pull the lever, and they appear in random order. Matching symbols leads to wins. Bringing actors into the mix transforms slot play into entertainment with comic timing and surprise.
6. Neon Thrills with Glow-in-the-Dark Craps
Replace plain dice and chips with glowing ones under blacklight. The table’s markings light up, too, making every roll shine. Suddenly, a classic craps game looks and feels fresh. Ideal for a themed night, it’s a small change that makes every dice toss feel more vivid.
7. Chilling the Third Card with Ice‑Breaker Baccarat
In this version, the third card comes from a block of ice. Players wait as cracks spread and water slowly melts. The reveal becomes part of the drama. It’s less about rules, more about ambience. A simple twist that gives a traditional card game some theatrical flair.
TOWN HALL, NORFOLK – Norfolk IPAC to organise demonstration outside Norwch Town Hall to protest Government PIP cuts
Political Correspondent: Polly Ticks
Next weekend, the streets of Norwich will play host to an unusual protest, as members of Norfolk IPAC (Inbred People Against Cuts) rally against the latest round of government welfare reforms.
Set to take place outside Norwich Town Hall from noon to 2pm on April 19, the demonstration will target Labour’s proposed changes to Personal Independence Payments (PIP), scheduled to take effect in November 2026. Protesters are expected to arrive in family-sized carriages, some with as few surnames as teeth, demanding the government reconsiders what IPAC calls an “attack on hereditary hardship.”
Offrice Trolley, a spokesperson for Norfolk IPAC, minced no words. “We’ve been dealing with stigma, funding cuts, and second-hand banjos since the 1860s,” he said. “Now they want to take away our PIP too? It’s as if inbred lives don’t matter.”
IPAC claims that between 2010 and 2024, disability-related welfare cuts have led to an estimated 200,000 preventable deaths in the “vertically integrated” community. The new system will require claimants to score at least four points in a functional activity to qualify—bad news for those struggling to operate zips or family trees.
It’s a family affair
According to Department for Work and Pensions figures, 370,000 current PIP recipients could lose access under the new rules, with another 430,000 potential future claimants also excluded. At an average value of £4,500, that’s a lot of money no longer going to people whose genetic pools are more puddle than pond.
The Sons, Dads & Daughters Foundation (SDDF) estimates that as of 2021/22, nearly a third of Britain’s most interconnected families were living in poverty.
Whether the government will listen remains unclear. But Norfolk IPAC insists: if anyone understands generational suffering, it’s them.
OAKLEY BEER GARDEN, SUFFOLK – Three ‘Muslim women’ were refused halal cocktails at the Dog & Biscuit pub in Oakley, Suffolk, on Tuesday in what is being described as a non-crime mistaken identity incident.
Consumer Correspondent: Colin Allcabs
Patrons were left choking on their scampi fries after the pub’s short-sighted landlord, Malcolm Wren, spent over 30 minutes politely trying to explain to what he thought were three Muslim women in burkas that his pub did not sell Halal-certified cocktails—only to discover he was talking to a row of collapsed patio umbrellas.
“I just thought they were being very reserved,” Wren explained. “They didn’t say a word. Just stood there, heads down. I assumed they were shy, or perhaps non-drinkers.”
Wren, who has famously refused to wear glasses since he “lost a staring contest with a mirror in 1989,” launched into a long-winded monologue about the pub’s “inclusive but pork-scratchings-based” menu, explaining that the Shiraz Sangria contained traces of bacon, and the Bloody Mary was named after “a Christian saint, not a colonial offence.”
It wasn’t until a gust of wind caught one of the “ladies,” sending her cartwheeling across the beer garden and straight into a trellis, that Wren realised his mistake. “I just thought she’d had enough of my ethics,” he said.
Mohammadjito
Locals described the incident as “vintage Malc.” One regular noted, “Last week he gave a whole health and safety briefing to a hat stand.”
Wren has since issued an apology to “the umbrellas, any Muslim ladies who may visit in future, and the staff for making them look up what Halal gin might be.” He also promised to finally visit Specsavers, though warned “the world’s not ready for how clear I’ll be.”
THE HAGUE — What began as a promising diplomatic dinner between UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer and Italy’s sultry far-right premier Giorgia Meloni quickly fizzled into a political lecture on the Chagos Islands, prompting onlookers to describe the encounter as “less moonlit diplomacy, more laminated flowchart.”
Political Correspondent: Polly Ticks
The two leaders were spotted dining at a side table during the NATO summit, where Meloni reportedly arrived “expecting candlelight, dancing, and possibly a little Negroni-fuelled geopolitics.” Instead, she found herself being “trapped in a monologue about the importance of upholding international law, while Keir poked forlornly at a beetroot risotto.”
“He kept bringing up UN resolutions and quoting passages from the 1965 Lancaster House agreement,” said one Italian delegate. “By dessert, Giorgia was visibly texting someone under the table—possibly Viktor Orbán.”
Pasta my bedtime
While Starmer has spent months trying to reshape his image into that of a modern statesman, questions continue to swirl about his alleged past links to three Ukrainian rent boys arrested in 2011 in connection with a string of politically-motivated fire-bombings of Croydon bus shelters. Starmer has denied any knowledge, stating only that “as Director of Public Prosecutions, I posed for a lot of photos.”
Meloni, meanwhile, had reportedly brought a playlist of classic Italian love ballads and a backup plan involving limoncello and a balcony. “She was ready for La Dolce Vita,” sighed one aide. “He gave her A-Level Law. In PowerPoint.”
Asked about the failed diplomatic chemistry, Starmer replied: “There’s nothing sexier than legal clarity.” Before heading back to his hotel for an early night.
The Chagos Islands agreement, he insisted, was “good for everyone,” though observers note Meloni has since unfollowed him on Instagram and started liking Macron’s shirtless beach photos.
NAPLES, FL — Residents of the Golden Days Retirement Home for Athletes were treated to an unexpected burst of nostalgia (and sand) yesterday when former Olympic sprint rivals Ben Johnson and Carl Lewis spontaneously launched into a 100m dash along the Florida coastline.
Entertainment Editor: Arthur Pint
Witnesses say the two sextagenarian speedsters, now both residents of the high-end sporting retirement community, were quietly sipping mocktails in matching Crocs by the beach when a family celebrating “Grandma Mabel’s 100th” uncorked a bottle of bubbly with a dramatic pop.
“It was like muscle memory,” said 84-year-old discus legend Big Ron “The Arm” Simmonds. “One second they were talking about blood pressure meds, the next, they were halfway to Key West.”
Running out of road
The race, though unannounced and unregulated, was clocked unofficially by a lifeguard using the stopwatch app on his iPhone. “Ben had the early lead,” said local jogger Tanya Speers. “But Carl caught up when Ben tripped over a sandcastle shaped like the Sydney Opera House.”
The pair ultimately collapsed in a tie near a row of confused pelicans. When asked later what inspired them, Johnson said, “I heard the cork and thought the gun had gone off,” while Lewis added, “Old habits die hard. Also, I hate losing—even now.”
Golden Days staff have since installed signs reading “No Sudden Loud Noises Near Former Sprinters”, and the on-site café has renamed its smoothie bar ‘Track & Field of Dreams’.
A rematch is reportedly scheduled for Tuesday, assuming both men remember it’s happening. As for the champagne? It’s now served only with a gentle pssssst.
LONDON, UK – Nineties pop star Jimmy Ray, best known for asking “Are You Jimmy Ray?”, has found himself at the centre of a surreal domestic mystery involving bed crumbs, mistaken identity, and an unexpectedly talkative piece of paper.
Entertainment Editor: Arthur Pint
The incident occurred in the early hours of Tuesday morning when Ray, now 54, awoke to the sensation of something minuscule nestled against him in bed. “I thought it was a crumb,” said Ray, “but it had the soft squish of a cooked grain of rice. Which was odd, as I haven’t eaten rice since Saturday.”
In the dark, Ray dutifully extracted the item and placed it on his bedside table. It wasn’t until morning that the singer discovered the object was not rice at all, but a tiny piece of pink paper, expertly rolled into rice-like form.
Naturally, Ray questioned the object directly. “I said, ‘Are you rice?’ And it said, ‘No, but I played rice once.’”
Rice paper
According to the paper, it had recently appeared on the paper world’s version of Stars in Their Eyes, a televised talent competition where pieces of paper impersonate inanimate objects for fame and modest recognition.
“In the paper world’s version of Stars in Their Eyes, it’s less about soundalikes and more about shape-shifting,” Ray explained. “He told the host, ‘Tonight, Matthew, I will be… a grain of rice’ and he nailed it, winning the series.”
The rice-impersonating paper has since declined interviews, citing exhaustion and concerns over typecasting.
Meanwhile, Ray is considering writing a concept album about the encounter. “It’s either that or I’m losing my mind,” he added. “But honestly, it was the best conversation I’ve had with a carbohydrate impersonator in years.”
