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First post-Brexit British car rolls off production line

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First post-Brexit British car rolls off production line

The future of British car making is secure despite fears it would implode after Brexit.

Delighted bosses today unveiled the first British-made model to roll off the production line since the country voted to leave the EU.

And experts say the gleaming red family car – pictured below – is evidence brilliant British craftsmanship is here to stay.

British Brexit car

The Fiesta Farage boasts desirable sleek lines and can reach top speeds of 24mph. Downhill.

It has all the hi-tech gadgets that drivers have come to expect from so-called industry leaders in Germany and Japan.

Top of the spec list is air conditioning, which is activated simply by rolling down the window (electric windows not currently available).

It also has the latest engine stop-start technology to rival anything Audi or Honda can produce.

When the Fiesta Farage pulls up at a junction, the engine stops – not for any fuel-saving reason, but because it has broken down.

And it handles superbly, taking corners like they are not there (it simply ignores them and goes straight on).

Motoring journalists were in awe when the Fiesta Farage was launched at the East Anglian Motor Show yesterday.

And they believe the car – already given the sporty FF nickname – will be a new fixture in Waitrose car parks, where nine out of ten cars are Audis.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, who writes a motoring column for The Spectator magazine, said: “Doom-mongers who voted to remain in the EU tried to claim Britain going it alone would badly hit key industries like car manufacturing.

“They said standards would fall and it would be like returning to the bad old days of British Leyland.

“But they’ll be choking on their words once they get behind the wheel of one of these beauties.

“Not only does the car look gorgeous with a beautiful finish, it handles like a dream and should also come with cheap car insurance.”

The Fiesta Farage, the first British-made car since the Trabant was reintroduced to Norfolk, starts at just £29,000 for the base model.

But if you want an engine and four wheels, you will have to stump up an extra £8,000.

And if you really like flashy new motors, check out the new Suffolk eco-friendly car that can go ten miles on just one plastic token.

For all news on Brexit, visit Cooper Parry.

When too much freedom spoils a child

The Editor
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When too much freedom spoils a child

We’ve been overly controlled by our parents, and most of us try to make lives of our children different, which means that we are going to give them more freedom. Unfortunately, some of us confuse more freedom with no control and no limits. At first you’re enjoying the fact that your kid has a different, more happy childhood than you had, but soon you’re going to face a serious problem of an uncontrolled child. So, how much freedom should a child have and how to not spoil your child? Let’s have a more detailed look with mothers from mariadating.com site at how much freedom is enough for your kid.

Why Absolute Freedom is Wrong?
When we think about freedom, an absolute freedom often pop-ups in your head. But when absolute freedom is wrong with the adults, how can it be right with children? There won’t be no schedule for your kid. You child can stay up all night and sleep all day. No boundaries and no limits. Then comes the school, which is going to have its restriction. So, are you that kind of parent who would try breaking the system for your kid? Unlikely. Thus, your kid is unprepared for studies and you have no tools to convince your child that he or she needs the school. Schedule is important, but there is no point to push it too far, as your parents did.

What Does Freedom Mean to a Child?
Before you start complaining about how terrible your parents were and which mistakes they’ve done, ask yourself what does freedom mean to you? Is it absolute freedom? If so, think about what terrible mistakes you could have made given an absolute freedom from your parents. Yep, the chances that you won’t live to this day to read this article is pretty high. So, what does freedom mean to a child? Probably it means fewer restrictions and more support from you in their lives. Did you child say that he or she wants to become a singer? Probably the best decision is to send your kid to some singing classes. It is way better than telling them that they should concentrate on their studies. But there are few things you must consider.

Be Objective
The desire to indulge your child is extremely high, but if you don’t want to spoil your child you need to be objective. If your child wants to become a singer, but you know that your child is tone deaf, there are few things you can do. You can tell it to your child in a polite way, and if he or she doesn’t believe for some reasons, let him or her hear it from professional musicians. In order not to upset your child, you can offer him or her dancing or acting classes.

Don’t Force Your Kid into Any Activity
You felt upset that your parents have never sent you to singing, dancing or acting classes? You won’t avenge yourself by forcing your kid into these activities. It is one thing, when you kid enjoys singing or acting, and another thing when you are forcing him or her into it. Children forced into dancing or acting classes often complain that their parents had limited their freedom by those classes. So, you need to mind your kid’s desires.

Norfolk women allowed to vote for the first time

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Norfolk women allowed to vote for the first time

Edna Spratt on LinkedIn

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

Women in Norfolk have finally won the right to vote in their parish councils, the Government announced last night.

It follows generations of protests from the Norfolk Suffragettes, some of whom were imprisoned for hurling turnips at the Houses of Parliament or setting fire to haystacks.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, from Yarmouth, said: “My granny, Edna Spratt (pictured above) chained herself to the railings outside Jarrolds with a placard saying, ‘Gissa vote, buh’.

“She worked hard all her life toiling on the land. She raised 23 children in dire poverty. She worked her six fingers to the bone.

“Yet when it came to voting at the parish council, she was turned away.”

Lorraine has continued to fight for women’s rights in Norfolk.

“Our next battle is to win the right to drive a tractor.

“We may even help our menfolk get free education,” she said. “At the moment they are really backward, even believing that their football team can win a game one day.”

A Government insider confirmed Norfolk women would be allowed to vote in parish councils.

He said: “100 years after women in the rest of the country were allowed to vote for the first time, we are now letting it happen in Norfolk.

“But only for parish council elections. We can’t allow them to have a say on important things – anything might happen.”

Traders down to their last Porsche as stock markets crash

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Traders down to their last Porsche as stock markets crash

Traders down to their last Porsche as stock markets crash

Embattled financial traders are down to their last Porsche after stock markets crashed around the world.

First the Dow Jones plunged by more than 1,100 points in New York yesterday – a record fall – and then the FTSE 100 opened 3 per cent down this morning.

Ordinary people had no idea what was going on, but nevertheless they expressed sympathy for the financial traders.

Homeowner Lorraine Fisher, 34, from Framlingham said she was concerned that stockbrokers were now living on the breadline.

“If it is true they only now have one Porsche, then it is sad because they need another one to park outside their over-priced second home on the Suffolk coast.”

There were also fears that traders might only get a bonus of £250,000 this year, which would “hardly be worth the effort”.

Trader Steve Walshe said: “The markets have fallen and I have now only got the one Porsche and have to cut back on my cocaine intake.

“Ordinary people have no idea about the trauma I am going through. I don’t know how I will survive.”

But strangely enough, the financial traders did not seem too concerned that falling stock markets affect the pensions and investments of the general public.

Consumer expert Ray Davies said if there is a consumer confidence crisis over the volatile financial situation, “we’re all f*cked”.

“Never mind about the traders and their last Porsche – we might all be without a house if they don’t get their act together.”

Norfolk woman dies of boredom

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Norfolk woman dies of boredom

Norfolk woman dies of boredom

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

A Norfolk woman has died of boredom, it has been revealed.

Police confirmed there were no suspicious circumstances after Lorraine Fisher, 34, was found slumped on her sofa on Sunday.

A force spokesman said: “Officers were called to an address in Dereham after a woman was found dead in her lounge.

“Our investigations determined quickly that she had indeed died of boredom.”

Miss Fisher had become increasingly frustrated with there being absolutely nothing to do in Norfolk.

Friend Steve Walshe said: “She often said how completely and utterly bored she was in Norfolk.

“Since her family moved away there has been no romance in her life.

“And she had fallen out with the local Turkey Fanciers Club.

“So there was simply nothing left for her to do.

“We urged her to move to Suffolk where there is always plenty going on, but she said she never travels abroad.”

Medical experts confirm boredom is an increasingly common cause of death in Norfolk.

“It’s a backward county far from anywhere, so it’s not very surprising,” said a spokesman for theNorfolk and Norwich Hospital.

“We’re getting around ten fatal cases each week.”

Miss Fisher’s funeral will be held next week, with The Rev Evan Elpuss conducting the service.

He said funeral-goers should arrive early for the service next Tuesday.

“We’re expecting a huge turn out,” he explained.

“Not because Lorraine was popular – but because it’s the first exciting thing to happen around here for years.”

Fears that reuniting Spice Girls have ‘let themselves go’

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Fears that reuniting Spice Girls have ‘let themselves go’

Spice Girls

Spice Girls fans say a reunion would be a bad idea because the girls have ‘let themselves go’.

The five members of the iconic band met together for the first time since 2012 and confirmed they wish to work on new projects.

Victoria Beckham, Geri Horner, Emma Bunton, Melanie Brown and Melanie Chisholm chatted at Horner’s house in Hertfordshire and posed for our exclusive photograph, above.

In a statement they said: “The time now feels right to explore some incredible new opportunities together.”

But there is concern that the looks and energy that made them so famous in the first place, when their debut hit Wannabe smashed the charts in 1996, is long gone.

Music industry expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, from Suffolk, said: “The ladies are all older and wiser now, but with age comes a certain change in appearance.

“Sporty Spice is overweight and her gut spills over her trackie, and Posh Spice just looks horrendous. No young girl will want to emulate them now and buy their music.”

Onlookers also noticed that Baby Spice had put on too much weight and now looked like Baby Elephant.

But fan Steve Walshe, 43, acknowledged that Ginger Spice still looked “drop-dead gorgeous”.

He added: “Looking at your photo, she still has a brilliant body. I absolutely still fancy her.”

The girls met along with former manager Simon Fuller.

Their statement continued: “We have enjoyed a wonderful afternoon catching up and reminiscing about the amazing times we have spent together.

“We are always overwhelmed at how much interest there is across the whole world for The Spice Girls.”

But as our exclusive photo shows, they will need to do some serious work in the gym before hitting the road once more.

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Now Olympic prudes ban women’s beach volleyball

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beach volleyball

Women’s beach volleyball is being banned from the Olympics because it is “titillation not in keeping with modern societal norms”.

Male sports fans eagerly watch scantily clad beauties frolicking in the sand during the Olympics every four years.

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But now stuffy organisers say enough is enough, and the event will move indoors where all contestants will be forced to wear baggy tracksuit bottoms and a coat.

The news comes after Formula 1 announced it was getting rid of the “grid girls” – and even the Professional Darts Corporation said it was banning its walk-on girls.

Many fans think the sporting world is simply caving in to the minority PC Brigade.

Beach volleyball fan Lorraine Fisher, 34, who is a woman, said: “So what if the girls wear the skimpiest of bikinis leaving very little to the red-blooded male imagination?

“Being athletes they just happen to have amazing bodies, but it’s perfectly natural and, you know, women do tend to wear bikinis on the beach.”

A statement from the Olympics headquarters in Lausanne in Switzerland was final.

It read: “While the practice of bronzed female flesh and grunting has been a staple of women’s beach volleyball for decades, we feel this custom does not resonate with our brand values and clearly is at odds with modern-day societal norms.

“We don’t believe the practice is appropriate or relevant to the Olympics and its fans, old and new, across the world.”

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A spokesperson for the Women’s Sport Trust said: “These changes are taking place because global businesses are making a considered choice about how women should be valued and portrayed in their sports in 2018. They deserve significant credit for doing so.”

Olympics bosses accept that the worldwide television audience for women’s beach volleyball, which was first introduced to the competition in 1992, will now be virtually zero.

It is believed they are also examining whether female swimmers should cover up in the Olympic pools, and if gymnasts should wear jeans and jumpers to spare them from being made sex objects by evil, perverted men.

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Michael Gove and Brexit MPs served pig rectum by pranksters

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Michael Gove and Brexit MPs served pig rectum by pranksters

boneless pork rectums

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Police are investigating after Michael Gove was among a group of Brexit-supporting Tory MPs who were secretly fed pig rectum at a fund-raising dinner.

More than 200 guests at the £100-a-head gala in Westminster, laid on by a right-wing charity, unwittingly ate pork anus.

Pranksters working for the catering company shipped in boneless pork rectums from America – pictured above – to be sliced up and served on tasty vol-au-vents.

One of the kitchen staff took the photograph of the offensive pork product when it was delivered, and sent it to a private Facebook group run by Remainers who do not want Britain to leave the EU.

He boasted it was being fed to the Brexit MPs “who are like pigs with their snouts in the trough”.

But the tasteless joke could backfire if police decide to press charges.

A source inside the Metropolitan Police said: “We have evidence that four boxes of boneless pork rectums were delivered to a catering company based in Suffolk.

“The 30 kilograms of anus were then cut up, added to an appetising garlic sauce and placed upon delicate small pastries.

“These were then served to guests at a black-tie dinner in the House of Commons.”

Prominent Brexit-supporting MPs attending included environment secretary Mr Gove, Jacob Rees-Mogg, Iain Duncan Smith and John Whittingdale.

The dinner was laid on by the Brexit Means Brexit charity, which raises money for individuals affected by Remainers. There is no suggestion organisers knew of the pigs anus conspiracy.

Instead, police are focusing their attention on the catering company.

Boneless pigs rectum is often served as a delicacy in America, particularly by the Chinese community.

Food experts say it is perfectly legal to be served in the UK, but they advise that customers should be warned of the content first.

This is not the first time that the Conservatives have been caught in a pork controversy. Former Prime Minister David Cameron was alleged to have done something rude with a dead pig while at university, and he later bought a Suffolk pig farm after leaving Parliament.

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