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‘Pump-me’ Halloween pumpkin hit the Shelves

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‘Pump-me’ Halloween pumpkin hit the Shelves
Pump me Halloween pumpkin

One saucy Suffolk swinger has decided to add some spice to this year’s celebrations with new kind of Halloween Pumpkins.

Sheila O’Flaherty (originally from Donegal) of Kedington in west Suffolk, has produced her own ‘pump-me’ pumpkins. Which she has started selling on her etsy web page and through local shops and garden centres.

31 October will see the return of that pointless American Festival known as ‘Halloween’. The fun and annoying day where adults are forced to waste money. They don’t have to on cheap plastic masks, articulated skeletons, vampire bats, and unrelated unicorns.

Halloween is where parents encourage their children to roam the streets late at night. Knocking for random adults in the hope of receiving bags of sweets (this is basically illegal during the day).

Where misshapen pumpkins are torn to shreds in messy kitchens and their nutritious innards thrown straight into the bin. Where apple-bobbing (too onerous to set-up), divination games (what are they?) Visiting haunted attractions (where?), and telling scary stories (no-one knows any) no longer take place.

Halloween pumpkin

Give me special Halloween Pumpkins

But what’s in it for the adults? Traditionally, Halloween is a time when parents are expected to just give, give, give. Decorating the house, helping carve the Halloween pumpkins, providing free sweets for strangers etc. The list is endless. But not this year!

The reusable pornographic products which feature sculpted ladies’ bits and a hand-chiselled anus are being marketed by O’Flaherty. As being for ‘fruity Halloween Pumpkins’ and retail for £14.99.

“For us adults, Halloween can be a bit of a drag. Boooring loike. And carving your own pumpkin is a frikkin’ noightmare.” Said Sheila, as she pulled her finger out of a pumpkin’s anus and licked the fleshy residue off of her finger. “Oi tink these ‘pump-me-pumpkins’ aaar oideal for fellas and lezzers who want to have a bit’o’fun aaaarfter daaaaark, snigger!”

Okaaaaaay.

Ancient Origins of Halloween

The origins of Halloween are not entirely certain, but Celts believed that on the night before the new year. The boundary between the worlds of the living and the dead became blurred and ghosts returned to Earth to haunt the living.

Christians practice the religious observances of All Hallows’ Eve. Including attending church services and lighting candles on the graves of the dead.

The rest of us can just f*ck a pumpkin.

Revolving Door policy introduced at No.10

The Editor
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Revolving Door policy introduced at No.10
Revolving Door policy introduced at No.10
Revolving Door policy introduced at No.10

Actual revolving doors have been installed in the entrances to the homes of both the PM and the Chancellor. For quick exit “Just in case”.

The old-fashioned notion of a revolving door policy. Which usually refers to politicians switching between the public and private sectors. This has been taken to a new level in Downing Street this week.

Marmalade Sushi

Current Chancellor of the Exchequer (hang on… let me just check… yes, that’s still right), Jeremy Richard Streynsham (?) Hunt is no Streynsham to the revolving door. After university, Hunt worked for two years as a management consultant at OC&C Strategy Consultants, and then taught English in Japan. On his return to Britain, he tried his hand at a number of different entrepreneurial business ventures. Resulting in three failed start-ups, including an attempt to export marmalade to Japan. A country with a population that doesn’t eat toast.

In 2017 he personally gained over £14 million from the sale of an educational company he helped set up and in so doing, became the richest Cabinet member. Typical Tory.

His eclectic political career has seen him act as: culture, health and foreign secretaries. In-out-in-out-in-out. Is it any wonder that he’s been appointed Chancellor to come in and shake it all about?

Cable & Hopeless

Truss’s private sector adventures took in Shell Oil and Economic Director at communications operator, Cable & Wireless. It’s a miracle that either company is still afloat.

After losing her first two elections, Truss became the full-time deputy director of public services think tank, Reform where she advocated more rigorous academic standards in schools except, it would seem, in maths.

Revolving Door “Truss last development”

She also co-authored an economic paper called ‘Back To Black: Budget 2009’ which sold 3 copies.

It is well documented that before deciding that she was a Tory, Truss was active in the Liberal Democrats.

In-out.

So… the revolving doors are now in place. Who, one wonders, will be the next passenger aboard the Downing Street merry-go-round?

Jeremy Clarkson goes for Top (Gear) job

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Jeremy Clarkson goes for Top (Gear) job
Jeremy Clarkson goes for Top (Gear) job

Jeremy Clarkson has had enough of this crap. He, along with Top Gear buddies, James May and Richard Hammond, turned up outside of No.10 today to take back control of the UK government.

Clarkson is the perfect candidate for the job due to him being the archetypal swinish Tory millionaire. He has all the smug charm, patronizing oratory, and mansplaining skills required to be a classic Tory Leader.  

True Grit

Hammond, whose first job was to shovel grit into a water filtration plant, has been installed as minister of road safety. This eyebrow-raising appointment flies in the face of his own well-documented roadworthiness. He has crashed his own vehicle at least four times:-

  • Drag Racing The Vampire Dragster. During a 2006 episode of Top Gear
  • Rimac Concept One Hill Climb Crash
  • Chinese Hill Climb Crash During Season 3
  • Open-wheeled Racecar Crash In Poland

It is believed that Clarkson insisted on Hammond as he knew at 5 feet 5 inches in height. He wouldn’t be able to reach the lectern to make embarrassing policy announcements at press conferences.

Dope & Gummidge

James May, the loveable dope whose greatest achievement is building a life-size model of an Airfix Supermarine Spitfire. He is the new minister of common sense. Say no more.

Jeremy Clarkson’s Team

The final member of the new Top Cabinet is Jeremy Clarkson’s special political advisor and farmhand. Kaleb Cooper who has been appointed minister of Agriculture. This is a particularly astute appointment as no other human on earth – apart from part-human, Worzel Gummidge. Looks more at home on a farm than he.

Expect the manifesto soon!

Truss book ‘Better than Sex’ releasing Dec 22

The Editor
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Truss book ‘Better than Sex’ releasing Dec 22
Truss book ‘Better than Sex’ releasing Dec 22
Truss book: The inside story of Liz Truss

With perfect timing, Harper Collins has scheduled the release of Truss Book ‘Out of the Blue: The inside story of Liz Truss and her explosive rise to power’ for 8th December – a date by which Truss herself, could possibly be working in a charity book shop.

Truss engaged the services of ghostwriters, Harry Cole and James Heale to tell the story of her incredible rise to failure, presumably because she is as incompetent literarily as she is politically.

I bet it’s a good, saucy read, though. An insider at Harper Collins sent the following short excerpt to the Suffolk Gazette in exchange for £500 cash…

Truss Book Spoiler

“So on the Tuesday, I said to Kwasi, ‘You do know that I will always love you, don’t you? No matter what happens. I never want to be apart from you.’ ‘K’ was irresolute (W.C. ‘showing or feeling uncertainty’). I was longing for him to say the same thing to me, but he was too busy playing with the solar-powered calculator his wife had bought him for Christmas. ‘Kwasi!’ Nothing. I was left, sat there, pretending to type some figures into the Excel sheet I was plotting the mini-budget on. I was dying inside.

‘Lizzie.’

‘Yes, Kwasi’ I wanted to say darling, but I daren’t.

‘You know these figures don’t add up don’t you?’

‘Figures? Erm, er, yes. I’m just looking at your figure, I mean the figures now.’

‘It’s just that I’m in the house tomorrow and I have to… you know… make some policy announcements.’

The Twist

I couldn’t take any more. The sexual tension in the room was overwhelming. I took a deep breath and tried to stand, but my giddiness got the better of me. I fell forwards into the deep shag-carpetted expanse of Kwasi’s large lounge ‘Eeeeeeeeew.’

‘Liz’beth!’

Happy Ending

That was the last, sound I heard before my eyes went boss. I was about to go full-on swoontard when I felt a powerful hand gently clutch my right-wing upper arm. The boofy sensuality of his touch made me come around instantly, and as I looked upwards, through my still partially bleary eyes, I could see his face. His beautiful, big, face. ‘K. I love…’

‘This country? I know Lizzie. I know. And I love this country too! Isn’t it wonderful!’”

Corrrrrr! Can’t wait until the 8th of December!

W.C. = Working Class

Just stop spraying the new Scotland Yard Headquarters sign

The Editor
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Just stop spraying the new Scotland Yard Headquarters sign
Just stop spraying the new Scotland Yard Headquarters sign
Scotland Yard Headquarters sign

The Metropolitan Police have released a photograph of a suspect they are looking for in connection with a second identical act of criminal damage in two days to the main sign outside of its own New Scotland Yard Headquarters in London.

Just yesterday, Lora Johnson, 38, of Keens Lane, Reydon, near Southwold, Suffolk, was arrested for spraying the sign orange. She will appear before Westminster Magistrates’ Court.

Today, the world-famous revolving, triangular prism sign was again covered in paint – this time fluorescent green – by a mystery vandal, also appearing to represent the Just Stop Oil campaign.

Do you recognise the mystery vandal? Answers on a postcard to the Suffolk Gazette.

Greggs Recruitment Drive – many Rolls need filling

The Editor
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Greggs Recruitment Drive – many Rolls need filling
Greggs Recruitment Drive – many Rolls need filling

Tired of working crummy jobs and getting paid just a few pounds per flour? Frustrated at never being able to savoury any money? Greggs Recruitment can help as they have many rolls need filling.

Come and work for GREGGS BAKERIES where food is always fresh and always tasty!

Making ends meet should be the yeast of your worries. If you knead more dough, just look at our pay rates:-

(at yeast)

Team member – £8.16–9.80

Supervisor – £9.56–10.55

Manager – £10.65–14.56

Production operative – £10.07–13.27

HGV driver – £12.42–17.25

NB. We will be self-raising our pay rates to egg-beat inflation in the near future.

On top of our great egg salaries, you will also be offered grated working conditions, holidays, perks and discounts.

What are we looking for? You!

We are looking for educated and well-bread individuals to join our dynamic and percolated team, however, if you are from Suffolk and in-bread, please doughnut apply.

You must be motivated, flexible, and able to work under your own coffee steamer.

Greggs Recruitment

Our staff is well trained. Our customers have high standards, and there is no margarine for error. We want you to be able to perform your ham roll to the best of your ability.

We provide all our staff with a smartie cookie uniform, protective equipment, and footwear. Loafers, in fact.

We take the health and safety of our staff very seriously. We recently paid for private health care for one of our bakers who accidentally fell inside a truck full of French bread and ended up in a lot of pain.

LATEST ON DOUGHNUT PRODUCTION

You may have heard that we have temporarily suspended all doughnut manufacturing. Reports in the press that we have gotten tired of the hole thing are untrue. We just kneaded a little thyme to update our machinery, so doughnut worry, production will be up and running again soon.

Greggs is an equal opportunities employer

We welcome diversity and celebrate differences. Whether it is your age, ethnicity, religion, gender alignment, or hair colour, all are welcome! We do not discriminate against gingerbread men.

Beach Hut listed for sale in the UK for £560,000

The Editor
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Beach Hut listed for sale in the UK for £560,000
Beach Hut listed for sale in the UK for £560,000

A beach hut near the sea in Christchurch Harbour, Dorset has been advertised for sale for £560,000.

In the same way that you can squeeze 12 people inside a red telephone box. The current owners claim that the shed is able to sleep ‘up to’ eight people. Lol.

So what do you get for your half a million quid apart from some wooden planks and blue paint?

Well, for a kick-off, it has no access to mains electricity and no bog. So, while you’re on holiday with your seven mates. Don’t expect to be able to listen to the footy results or the shipping forecast on the radio. Drink a cold beer, or take a piss. Let alone have a shit.

Life in plastic, its fantastic!

Apparently, it can fit five small (minute) single mattresses in the mezzanine level and is equipped with sofas that can convert into extra beds. This will be good news for the kids as their Action Men and Barbie dolls will have somewhere to sleep.

The hut is also fitted with a fully equipped kitchen (i.e. 1 x spoon, 1 x fork, 1 x knife). There is some storage underneath which is ideal for quantum physicists to keep their quarks in (W.C. ‘Quarks’ are the building blocks of Protons and Neutrons and the smallest things in the universe). 600-watt solar panels on the roof provide enough electricity to power an LED egg timer. It has a 100-litre heated water tank with heater – to boil the eggs in.

Isle of Why Beach Hut?

The deck offers a view that looks out towards the Isle of Wight. Apparently, the owners of beach hut are offering a discount for that.

According to Rightmove, the average price for a home in Dorset as of June 2022 was £368,614. FFS.

Also available for under a million pounds in the Dorset area are:-

  • A wheelie bin converted into a four-berth caravan (£134,000)
  • A used Budgie cage transformed into a six-berth tree house set in a municipal park (£267,000)
  • An upturned fairy cake case/yurt for nine people attached to a traveling circus (£865,925)

Miserable Manchester cancels Bonfire night

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Miserable Manchester cancels Bonfire night
Miserable Manchester cancels Bonfire night

Unless you live in Manchester – where the instruction has been updated to forget November the 5th. Yes, the killjoys at Manchester City Council have chosen to deliberately upset thousands of children. By cancelling the fun of bonfire night fireworks displays.

Boooo!

Bonfire night – known as ‘Guy Fawkes Night’ up until the 1970s. Originates from the Gunpowder Plot of 1605. A failed conspiracy by a group of provincial English Catholics to assassinate the Protestant King James I of England and VI of Scotland, and replace him with a Catholic head of state.

The plot failed due to dodgy, damp gunpowder not igniting and, in the immediate aftermath. Guy Fawkes was caught and arrested. The box of sparklers he was carrying was confiscated as were the Catherine wheels, rockets and roman candles.  

The jubilant King ordered the public to celebrate his survival by building effigies of Guy Fawkes out of their dad’s old shirt and trousers. A balloon for a head, and an unwanted Tottenham FC scarf. The unconvincing effigies were then to be pushed around town in a pram or pushchair. Raising ‘pennies for the Guy’ before being propped up atop a bonfire in the overgrown bit of your mate’s garden.

No Booms

17th Century rebel sympathiser Manchester Councillor Lee-Ann Igbon said the decision to cancel fun was not taken lightly. And that “I know many people will be disappointed, but we simply do not have money to burn. Boom. Boom.”

As is so typical of stick-in-the-mud environmentalists. The Councillor explained that the local authority’s ambition to become a net zero carbon city by 2038 was also a factor.

Boring

The anti-monarchist mis-hog went on “Our Neighbourhood teams. She has been working tirelessly to re-prioritise the budget on community events and supporting our residents through the cost-of-living crisis.

So the bins will still be collected then. Probably.

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