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World Cup 2022: the memes so far

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World Cup 2022
World Cup 2022: the memes so far

As the 2022 World Cup in Qatar approaches, fans are already warming up for the tournament by highlighting the whacky world of football and mocking the often-pretentious functionaries involved in the game.

The fun started during the penalty shoot-out of the World Cup 2022 qualifying playoff between Australia and Peru. Aussie goalkeeper Andrew Redmayne delighted the Twitterati with his bizarre dancing antics to distract the Peruvian penalty takers. Redmayne took the risk of looking a complete fool, but he managed to put off Luis Advíncula and Alex Valera to send Australia to their fifth World Cup in a row.

However, Australia is ranked the outsider to win the tournament in the latest FIFA World Cup betting, at odds of 250/1 with Palmerbet. They also offer a price of 5/1 for the Socceroos to qualify from Group D, where they will face reigning World Champions France, along with Tunisia and Denmark.

Goalkeepers are crazy, but in a socially acceptable way

Football writer, Brian Glanville, wrote the book Goalkeepers are Crazy in 1977 and 45 years later, the maxim still applies, possibly more so! Redmayne’s tactic was reminiscent of goalkeeper Bruce Grobbelaar’s wobbly legs antics, which led Liverpool to glory in the 1984 European Cup final penalty shoot-out against Roma. Only this time Redmayne won the day and the Internet via dancing goalie memes. Other comparisons included Ricky Gervais’ infamous dance as David Brent in the BBC show The Office and similarities with a character from the classic arcade game Street Fighter.

It also showed similarities with Aston Villa goalkeeper Emiliano Martínez, who used mind games to distract Colombian players when playing for Argentina during the Copa America semi-final penalty shootout in 2021. His trash talking was enough to distract Everton defender Yerry Mina, who missed a vital penalty as he was told: “You’re nervous, huh? You’re laughing but you’re nervous,” before adding: “I’m eating you up, brother.”

The world’s most famous moth 

The tedium of World Cup draws is always ripe for some satire and the Qatar 2022 World Cup draw was no different. As well as jokes about the length of the event, there were also memes about the official World Cup mascot, known as La’eeb, which for many bears a striking resemblance to Caspar, the cartoon ghost, and the scarf that Fiona gave Shrek. Argentinian fans immediately recognised the familiar Ghost of the B, a ghostly figure with a large red B on the front, which is waved around on the terraces to mock fans of other clubs faced with relegation to the second division, known as Primera B.

In 2011, River Plate, one of the most successful clubs in Argentinian football, suffered the indignity of relegation, which led to mockery by fans of arch-rivals Boca Juniors. This led to memes suggesting that Qatar had found inspiration for the mascot in the ghostly character.

We can expect a range of memes during the 2022 World Cup, especially with Cristiano Ronaldo, the player who launched a thousand memes. How can we forget the infamous moth meme, which went viral during the Euro 2016 final between Portugal and France? Some wag even went as far as setting up a Twitter account for the moth while the game was still being played. Although, when joyless hatemongers like Nigel Farage are stealing memes from UK comedy writers, maybe they aren’t as cool as we all thought after all.

Still, memes we can look forward to will include overemotional footballers, penalty shoot-out high jinks, mockery of pretentious football functionaries and flabby politicians hoping for reflected glory, and, of course, memes inspired by the Hollywood-worthy histrionics of Neymar. If you want to come up with your own meme, just remember, the chances are that someone will have already come up with a zinger and gone viral before the game has even finished!

Kinky Tesco launches tickly ribbed cough remedy

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Kinky Tesco launches tickly ribbed cough remedy
Kinky Tesco launches tickly ribbed cough remedy

With the return of autumn comes the inevitable round of bugs, colds, coughs & sneezes and there is nothing worse than waking up in the morning with a sore, dry, croaky throat. But not to worry! Those autumn aches can now be cast aside using a new, some might say, sexy remedy suggested by the nation’s favourite retailer – that’s right… coccksucking with a condom!

Joining forces with leading brand of smut Durex™, new player to the sex industry, Tesco is recommending that deepthroating a big fat cocck sheathed in a tickly-ribbed prophylactic is this season’s best remedy for what up until now has been perfectly adequately dealt with using traditional methods such as: a mug of honey and lemon, fisherman’s friend cough lozenges (bleuuurgh!), 15ml of ultra chloraseptic anaesthetic throat spray, or a pack of 20 menthol cigarettes and a couple of bottles of brandy.

One-stop-cough-stopping-cocck-shop

Some commentators (especially on Twitter, Tik-Tok, Instagram, Ceefax and Facebook etc.) say Tesco (or ‘Tescos’ as many working-class people call it), is taking a risk moving away from their traditional ‘family-friendly’ image towards a more overt X-rated, pornographic, missionary position.

The blow-job endorsing grocery store (Established in 1919 by Jack Cohen as a stall in the East End of London selling wooden love balls and cork butt plugs) say Tescos (properly ‘Tesco’) is just going back to its roots. “We’re just going back to our roots.” said a shop assistant wearing a revealing, tight, black, open-chested PVC waistcoat over hairy chest and pierced nipples.

Kinky Tesco launches tickly ribbed cough remedy

Tesco Sex sells

And it doesn’t stop there. A spokesman for Titco Tesco told this reporter “Alright ducks, so on top of all the usual vibrators and dildos which can be used for all kinds of muscle pain, back pain, rheumatism, haemorrhoids etc, what we’ve got coming up is an electronic tit-massaging maternity bra for those mums who like to give their boobs a nice good going-over before they feed the littlun.

Then we’ve got the stress-relieving rainbow wank wipes range coming out in November. They’re basically your everyday toilet tissue wipes but let’s face it, that’s what everyone uses them for! (laughs out loud.) And… erm… what else have we got?

Oh yeah, we’re bringing out a new erotic athlete’s foot odour-eater which stimulates the nerve endings in your feet and can give you longer-lasting orgasms. They go up to a size 11 in women’s and 18 in men’s and will be out in time for Christmas.”

Confirmed: Queen Elizabeth II in Heaven

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Queen Elizabeth spotted in cloud formation after her death

The Queen Elizabeth is in heaven. This was confirmed today by the sighting of our dear departed Queen mum in the skies above the royalist market town of Bungay in Suffolk. The spectacular sighting was made by Brigitte Hillis, a retired head teacher who was visiting family in the Waveney Valley on the day of our beloved late Queen’s passing.

By environment correspondent Lorraine Fisher – 34.

Hillis, a keen amateur photographer, told this reporter “I was riding along the B1062 near Flixton on my electric bicycle, minding my own business. I had just visited my sister who had laid on scones, cheese straws, tea and coffee etc. and I was looking for a place to wee.

I saw a layby up ahead so I stopped. All of a sudden (obviously) I felt a warmth come to my whole body, especially my ankles. I turned to face the sun and saw a single, laser-like sun beam emerging from the clouds. I thought to myself ‘That’s strange because the weather report said rain.’”

Vague Resemblance of Queen Elizabeth

The ex-head of an Essex primary who has a degree in meteorology from Trumpton College, thought the weather pattern unusual. “I thought the weather pattern unusual, so I returned to my bicycle to retrieve my instamatic camera. As I turned back, well, I couldn’t believe my ears, I mean eyes. There before me, hovering majestically (perfect adjective) above the horizon was… the queen. Made of clouds!” Instinctively, Brigitte snapped away frantically to capture the once-every-few-hours opportunity everyone gets to catch a random and fleeting cloud formation vaguely resembling something familiar to you.

The Woolly Bit

Tapping into her broad scientific knowledge of meteorology, a demented Hillis explained why what had appeared before her could not have been a natural phenomenon, but rather a clear and undeniable act of God. “Well, first of all, clouds are fluffy or wispy and usually come in the shape of the woolly bit of a sheep. Secondly, clouds are actually transparent, but I could see the queen clearly. Thirdly, it looked exactly like her – in every detail, and lastly… she spoke to me.”

At this last extraordinary claim, the Suffolk Gazette reminded Mrs Hillis that in return for the £250 we paid her for her story, she must stick to the truth. “No word of a lie.” Said the occasional bicycler touching her nose and momentarily looking down to her left. “She said… erm… errr… what was it? Oh yes, that was it…’This is the queen. It’s O.K. I’m in heaven with God. Diana is here but I haven’t seen Philip yet. Oh, and tell Charles that I left the keys to Buckingham Palace next to the fruit bowl.’”

God’s Finger

Because of the incredible nature of Mrs.Hillis’s utterly implausible claims, we tried to corroborate her story with other local residents. A Rory McBannister who works at the nearby ‘Fun Farm Dairy’ told us ‘What time was it? About four? On the 8th? Hang on…no. No. No, I don’t remember anything unusual happening on… hang on. Wait. Yes, I do remember looking out of the window at around 4 pm and seeing the biggest rainbow I’ve ever seen.

In fact, it was a triple rainbow, but only in the colours red, white and blue. It wasn’t in an arc like usual, it was more like someone had taken a humongous tube of Aquafresh toothpaste and written ‘Queen Elizabeth’ across the sky with it. I think maybe God wrote it with his finger. I didn’t think anything of it at the time. But now you mention it. £75 did you say?”

Did you take a photo of anything completely normal on the day the Queen Elizabeth died?

Send your pics to editor@suffolkgazette.com

Best Netflix movies about casinos and gambling

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Movies are a good part of the entertainment; they give us thrills and action that keep us glued to the screen for the whole period. Just like online casinos, they can be enjoyed right in the comfort of the house. Regardless of class, race, social status, or education level among other things, you will get a movie that you can enjoy. The variety of themes that characterize filmmaking means that there is something for everyone. Gambling is a popular theme in movies. You will see real money slot machines in the movies, an indication that you are about to see intense scenes where luck, precision, and cash are important elements. You will be kept at the edge of your seat as the events unfold. 

movies about casinos and gambling
Best Netflix movies about casinos and gambling

As Ella Houghton, online casino expert points out that sometimes it is difficult to figure out what to watch. However, when guided by the theme, it all gets easy. For those who are into casino movies, the guiding theme should be gambling where you look for specific elements. Slot machines, poker cards, roulette, and free slots among other gambling products are some of the pointers that you are entering the zone of gambling zones. 

Ella Houghton states that some of the casino movies will be all about gambling while others will just be mentioning it as a subtheme. Ella has reviewed some of the gambling movies. She concludes that they are plenty of casino movies for gambling enthusiasts as well as movie lovers to enjoy and draw valuable lessons. In this article, we explore some of the best Netflix movies about casinos and gambling.

Casino Royale

Most of the gambling movie reviews have Casino Royale as one of the best movies. Even when you ask people to mention one gambling movie, this is their first choice. That should tell you something. Casino Royale is a great film. Perhaps it is because of the cast in the movie, they are people who have made a name in the acting field. It could also be due to the fact it is a James Bond film. The film features Daniel Craig who acts as agent 007.

He is on a mission to kill and has to fight a private banker who is bankrolling terrorists. All the activities take place at the legendary Casino Royale in Montenegro. Just like in most movies, bad guys never engage in a fair game especially when the stakes are high. The antagonist, Le Chiffre employs dirty tricks to get a win but James Bond was having none of it. He had to do anything possible to stop the terrorist financier and defeating him in his own game would be very effective.

This is a movie that will keep you on edge as you unfold a story that is both action-packed and thrilling. Although the movie is several years since its release, it continues to attract a good number on Netflix. Word has it that its release made the gambling business popular in different parts of the world. 

Best Netflix movies about casinos and gambling
Best Netflix movies about casinos and gambling

Mississippi

This ranks as one of the most exciting gambling movies on Netflix for these reasons:

  • Interesting storyline
  • Action-packed film
  • Some members of the cast are popular actors

It is a film that those who are after light-hearted fun will find interesting. It revolves around two guys who decide to take a tour around the country and play at a different location. They aimed to be part of the big-money games in New Orleans. They have an eye on playing some of the big games and stacking huge sums of money. Although it was released approximately seven years ago, it has continued to attract viewers with some describing it as the cleverest film in the gambling genre.

The Gambler

Reputable casinos encourage players to engage responsibly when playing their favorite games. However, some get addicted and find it hard to stop overindulgence. If you are in this category, this is a movie that we would recommend watching. The Gambler features, Jim Bennet an English professor who is hooked on gambling.

He took risks and staked high with hopes of winning big. He chased losses and made so many mistakes, something that landed him into serious financial problems. His habits put him into huge debt something that made him a target by mobsters. He was determined to get out of debt but he chose to do it using gambling. Luckily, he strikes it big and he walked out free of debt.

The Casino

In this movie, you will get a peek preview of how gambling works as players bid to win some money. The story allows viewers to see the habits of many high-rolling players. It will provide some valuable lessons as well as keep you at the edge of your seat as the action unfolds.

A visit to the land-based casino will give you a glimpse of the entertaining and luxurious life that people who patronize these facilities live. However, not everybody would have the opportunity to visit where the action takes place. The good thing is that a similar experience can be replicated in casino movies. Watch these and many other gambling movies on Netflix and get a glimpse of what happens in land-based casinos.

How Gabriel Jesus rediscovered his golden touch at Arsenal

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How Gabriel Jesus rediscovered his golden touch at Arsenal

When an 18-year-old Gabriel Jesus burst onto the scene at Manchester City, scoring on his debut after just 11 minutes against Swansea City back in 2017, Pep Guardiola looked as if he had found a long-term successor to Sergio Agüero. No, the Argentina international and now City legend wasn’t winding down his time at the Etihad, in fact, he’d go on to score 42 goals over the next two seasons as City won successive Premier League titles, but the vast resources and financial war chest at the Spaniard’s disposal ensured Guardiola could recruit from far and wide. Jesus looked like an enigma.

It took little time for the Brazilian to adapt to the physicality of the Premier League. He was already built like a grown man and possessed blistering pace to adapt to Guardiola’s demanding tactical system with a maturity that surpassed his years. 95 goals across five seasons represent the growth he showed over his career at City. Be it partnered with Agüero or indeed trusted to lead the line after his departure for Barcelona, Jesus would always guarantee to find the back of the net. And that trust was returned with a plethora of trophies — an FA Cup, four League Cups and four league titles all with the pressure of a side constantly favourites with Premier League winner odds.

However, Guardiola’s ruthless winning machine has always got to keep moving forward, and after struggling for form at times throughout last season, as well as being deployed out wide to make way for Phil Foden in a false nine role, Jesus looked to have lost confidence. And when the opportunity arose to sign Erling Haaland, perhaps the most sought-after striker of a generation having impressed for Borussia Dortmund, Jesus was deemed surplus to requirements.

His departure from the Etihad was hardly the crescendo he’d have imagined and although he lifted the title, you could see the Brazilian was hungry for a new adventure — one that began with Guardiola’s former assistant, Mikel Arteta. Now 25 years old, the time was right for Jesus to take responsibility as a club’s main man, and Arsenal, under Arteta’s supervision for the third successive summer, wasted no time in signing Jesus for a cool £45 million ahead of the new season.

From the moment he arrived, you knew Arteta was impressed, and the signing instantly made waves with the Premier League news as the Gunners had a proper talisman to fire them into the top four. “I think the club has done a tremendous job to recruit a player of this stature,” he said. “It’s somebody that I know personally really well, and we all know really well because he’s played in the league and been really successful.

“It’s a position that’s been on our radar for a long time now and we have managed to get a player that we all wanted, so I’m really happy. He is used to winning and he knows that winning is the only way to do it. I think he will set different standards at the club.”

Jesus hit the ground running in pre-season with a variety of different strikes from looping headers to powerful near-post finishes. It’s the kind of versatility in a forward Arsenal fan had been craving and despite a slow start in his competitive debut away to Crystal Palace, the number of different runs in behind and times he dropped deep to link the play was encouraging.

It didn’t take long for him to find the back of the net for his new club either. A well-crafted brace against Leicester City was quickly followed up by a priceless equaliser against Fulham, where you could clearly see the younger players in the side look for Jesus as a focal point when things were proving difficult.

A late Gabriel Magalhães winner ensured Arsenal would maintain their 100% start, and while even the most optimistic Gunners fans will know the strength of the top four, they must be dreaming of a return to the Champions League after a seven-year absence. As for Jesus, only time will tell how many goals he’ll bag this season as the new number nine, but you certainly wouldn’t rule him out of the race for the Golden Boot given how he’s started in red hot form.

Queen’s secret letter in a vault that can’t be opened for 100 years

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Queen's secret letter in a vault that can't be opened for 100 years
25 feet under – Queen’s secret letter hidden in a vault

A very confidential investigation report on Queen’s secret letter has been leaked by a crime reporter Lorraine Fisher -34 that far from dying from being the queen for too long, our beloved late ma’am was KILLED BY THE AUSTRALIANS!

As has been widely reported in the world’s press, Queen Elizabeth II wrote a letter in November 1986 to the people of Sydney, Australia. Along with the letter came strict instructions that it should only be opened ONE-HUNDRED YEARS LATER in the year of our lord 2085 A.D..

Until now, the letter’s contents have been a state secret but, as is revealed today EXCLUSIVELY IN THE SUFFOLK GAZETTE, the secret letter was in fact a prediction of the DATE OF THE QUEEN’S DEATH made by THE GHOST OF ANNE BOLEYN!

Occultist Monarch

As is only now, belatedly being reported, beneath her rigid, joyless, and aloof exterior, our beloved late Queen Elizabeth II was in actual fact, something of a comedienne! A playful practical joker even! But as can be revealed in today’s EXCLUSIVE ROYAL STORY her late majesty also DABBLED IN THE OCCULT!

Being as unbelievable as it sounds, sources nowhere near to these events told someone, who told this reporter, that in the early 1980’s, H.R.H. used to gather together at Balmoral, or Sandringham or wherever, with a clique of her oldest and spookiest mates including: Sir Cliff Richard, Jeremy Paxman (soon to be knighted), serious actress Pat Butcher, Lionel Blair and friend-of-a-friend, American R&B singer Alexander O’Neal. Huddled around an Ouija board that was gifted to her by Mystic Meg on her silver Jubilee, bride of Frankenstein, Helen Mirren would dictate the candlelit seances.

Phantom Tudor Hussy

During one particularly chilling get-together, H.R.H. Mirren allegedly received a message from beyond the grave from… wait for it… French, Tudor hussy, Anne Boleyn! Boleyn was famous for predicting the date of her own death. She actually got the date of her pre-announced execution bang-on and even predicted the precise time of day that she would expire to within about 3 seconds.

A secret footman working for this publication in return for cash takes up the story “It was Blair… not Tony, Lionel. He was sitting there around the table with the others, wearing that deathly fixed grin of his.

I was a bit worried actually because he was leaning quite far over the Ouija board and I thought his hair might catch fire being so close to the candle and whatnot, but anyhow, without warning, he starts this violent jerking backward and forwards. His arms go rigid, outstretched, his eyeballs rolled up under their lids and his tongue was hanging out. It was absolutely terrifying. I had to stand there, stock-still, looking straight ahead at the wall opposite which, in those conditions, was almost impossible, I can tell you.”

Member of the Labour Party

We asked regular séance-goer Sir Cliff Richard to comment. He agreed on the understanding that we would criticize the left-leaning, grossly impartial, diversity-obsessed BBC in our article which unfortunately we are not allowed to do.

Accepting this, he told us that the ‘Semolina Regina’ (guessing that the queen ate semolina at some point in her life?) took the ghoulish gatherings extremely seriously “She wasn’t at all like the easy-going, funster they’re making her out to be now. Pfff.

If you turned up even 20 seconds late for a séance she’d glare at you like you were a member of the Labour Party. One time, she even locked the Corgis in the next room because of all the yapping that kicked-off every time a gust of wind blew the net curtains in. Another time I was there, ‘Devil Woman’ Whoopi Goldberg was removed to the Tower of London because she farted while Liz was trying to read her palm. She just wasn’t taking it seriously.”

Blair Scare

When we asked Sir Cliff to get to the point he said “The Anne Boleyn thing? O.K. So Lionel’s turned into that girl from the Exorcist, and we’re all shitting ourselves – apart from Liz, who’s sitting next to me dead still, transfixed by what she’s created.

I tried to leave but she tightened her grip on my hand, dug her nails deep into my palm – a bit like how Sue Barker used to hold my hand. Pat Butcher was crying and screaming, and Paxman was endlessly crossing himself repeating something in Latin. Suddenly, Lionel stood bolt upright and started growling something low in his throat, he just wasn’t himself. He murmured “Haec est Anna Boleyn. Reginae mori anno M M L X X X V plus minusve.” which apparently means ‘This is Anne Boleyn. Queen to die in 2049, more or less.’ And then he puked all over the table, and us.

The candle went out and everything went black. Well that was it. We all just f*cking bolted for the door. Chairs went over. The Corgis were going mental. It was carnage. As I scrambled for the exit, I briefly looked back. All I could see… and I will never forget this… were the jewels in Liz’s crown sparkling in the moonlight as she sat silently in her chair (throne) as if nothing had happened. Completely unphased. Amazing woman. A real livin’ doll.”

‘L’ Stands for Eleven & the secret letter

It wasn’t long after this that Queen Elizabeth II visited Australia to deliver her letter to the Aussies – let’s face it, the Royal Mail weren’t going to do it. The letter was delivered in the person of H.R.H Olivia Coleman to the Right and Honourable Lord Mayor of Sydney, Bryan Backstone who promised… PROMISED that it would be kept under lock & key in a secure vault beneath the City.

It was only when a newly-employed, low-paid cleaner in the Mayoral office went to mop the vault that things went disastrously wrong. “I didn’t know.” Claimed the penniless, unemployed cleaningservicewoman. “They said ‘clean the vault’, so I did.

No-one mentioned that I shouldn’t rifle through all the cabinets and the secure boxes to see what was in there, did they? When I saw the letter, it just said ‘Open me in MMLXXXV’ on it. Well. Come on. I mean, really? Who actually knows what year that is? I tried to work it out… ‘M’ is the 13th letter of the alphabet. Times by two equals twenty six. ‘L’ stands for eleven so that’s thirty-seven. Three ‘X’’s are three-thousand?

After that I got confused so I just decided to take a peek inside to see if it was an important letter. So, I broke the wax seal – nobody said I shouldn’t – and I read the words out to myself in a soft whisper ‘I will die on this day. Signed – Elizabeth II, Queen of England and the Commonwealth of Overseas Peoples.’ I looked at my watch. The date was 8th September 2022. Fuck.”

16 Times

Our beloved late Queen H.R.H. Elizabeth II went on to ‘go down under’ a total of 16 times during her reign – trips that in hindsight she might now regret.

East Anglian ‘Wanking Festival’ makes come back

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Wanking Festival
East Anglian ‘Wanking Festival’ makes come back

Yes, it’s back! After an absence of 3 or 4 years due to that horrible Chinese Bat/Pangolin disease Covid 19, the celebrated tradition of ‘wanking’ returns to East Anglia with the poorly-attended Nacton Wanking Festival in the first, second, or third week in September Or October 2024.

History of wanking

It is a little-known fact that wanking in Suffolk can be traced back to the year 417 A.D. when Britain was still under the control of the Italians and Christianity was just a twinkle in God’s eye.

The earliest wankers were peasants who would meet in secret to perform ‘circle jerks’ (early Judo-Christo-Pagan quasi-religious almost circular rituals) whereby groups of devout wankers would form in a sloppy, imperfect circle and wank in unison, usually over a document called the ‘Wanka Carta’ which was an early version of the Domesday Book.

The original Wanka Carta is on display at the British Museum in London (capital of England) although some of the pages are stuck together due to its age and over-exposure to high levels of moisture.

What is wanking?

‘Wanking’, or more accurately ‘Wan-king’ to give it its correct etymological breakdown, is the physical embodiment of a serf’s loathing for… wait for it… HIS KING AND HIMSELF! Yes! That works! ‘Wanning’ is the present participle of the verb ‘wan’ which means to be unnaturally pale, especially from sickness or grief, etc.

The tradition of ‘wanning’ (today’s ‘wanking’) derived from the enforced servile and obedient attitudes of the pre-medieval Britons towards their feudal masters and betters, which caused them to feel the ‘sickness’ of depression and shame.

Put simply, the pathetic, Baldric-esque underclass of East Anglian villeins (which still thrives today) despised their brutal and uncaring leaders to such a degree that they ‘wanked’ (often furiously) as a means to release the animosity and hatred that regularly (sometimes 3 or  4 times a day) built up inside them.

This is where the term ‘stress wank’ comes from. It’s all beginning to make sense now.

How is it done?

All that one needs to successfully ‘wan’ is a short pole (apparently size doesn’t matter) made of wood, imported bamboo, or moulded flax. Attached to the hilt of the pole should be a brace of locally produced fruit or vegetables to represent the wanker’s toil.

Traditionally, plums, nuts or goolies were used although, in modern times, two tennis balls suspended in a pair of your mum’s old tights should work just as well. When your pole is assembled, the ceremony is completed by ‘bashing the Bishop.’ This rather quaint old phrase again refers to the wanker’s animus towards those members of the establishment, Bishops among them, whose sole aim it was believed, was to spoil their fun.

Bashing the Bishop may be spread out across the morning or most of the day if you are feeling a little lethargic or self-pitying or alternatively you can ‘knock one out’ at high speed if you are wanking in the workplace or while the missus is at the shops.

It’s normal

Wanking has come a long way since the time of Herod IV of course, and today, wanking is, thankfully, very much out in the open.

Britain can be proud of its reputation as a ‘wankers’ paradise’ where men, people who bleed when operated on, teenagers (especially), Prince Charles, Jeremy Paxman, most politicians, transexuals, road sweepers, and a multitude of animals such as cats, dogs, squirrels, male deer, rhinoceroses, boars, male monkeys, and otters wank with impunity.

Come on us

The Gazette is offering readers four free tickets to the Nacton Wanking Festival. Just drop us a line at editor@suffolkgazette.com. First come, first served.

Must Read: The University of Liverpool has banned masturbating in its library.

15 year old Karate kicked a pensioner into the river

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15 year old Karate kicked a pensioner into the river
15 year old Karate kicked a pensioner into the river

Mr Miyagi would be appalled. Never mind ‘wax on… wax off’, how about ‘Don’t karate kick the 74-year-old pensioner into the river!’ That’s what 15-year-old Joe Thunderhawk did last week after a disagreement over a dessert he was served in the Dedham Canoeing Club’s in-house restaurant ‘The Dugout.’

Tasty mush Karate Kick

Apparently, it was a normal, busy Friday evening at the watery eaterie favoured by the local Eskimo and red Indian communities. Starving diners were able to select from a delicious menu featuring dishes of whale, seal, walrus, buffalo, and caribou or sides and desserts of frybread, squash, papayas, wild rice, and blueberry mush. Everyone was having a lovely time. Then Joe arrived.

Enter the Thunderhawk

A low-paid waitress insider picks up the story. “‘Joe Thunderhawk’. Oh my god. Just saying his name sends shivers down my spine, i’m so scared of his Karate kick. So I was working that night. Usual crowd. Usual shit. It was quite late when we heard the motorbike revving outside. Why you have to rev when you’re parking I have no idea. Anyway, we heard the bins go over and a few bottles being smashed, so I took cover behind the counter. Then… CRASH! Joe thundered in. He was growling and mumbling and high as a kite – as usual. The whole place when quiet and everyone avoided eye contact. Obviously, it was left to me to seat him.”

Rolling eyes after Karate kick

Our insider told us how she rolled her eyes and tutted loudly as she approached the uninvited guest, before… “I led him to his favourite table over by the window. He likes the rumbling vibrations the plate glass makes when he pummels it with his fists. You could see the fear in the eyes of the others seated nearby. Anyway, I took his order”

Dainty pudding with fine wine accompaniment

“’Pear halves, please. Not too much crème fraiche. Oh, and a half bottle of the ’81 Moscato d’Asti. Thank you.’ ‘Good choice’ I said and posted the order. After that, calm returned to the place and everyone went back to their meals. Joe seemed quite happy. For a while.”

That’s not how I’d pictured her

Swigging from a 660ml bottle of Moretti and puffing on a fag, the tattooed, blue-haired, clearly nervous emo waitress went on… “Then the shit really hit the fan. Atiqtalaaq, our head chef fucked up. On the menu, it says ‘pear halves’. Plural. Atiq only put one half on the dish. ONE F**G HALF! I mean, put both fucking halves on the dish for fack’s sake. How much are they? 20p a half or something? Jeez. Anyway. I’m the mug who has to take this shit out to Joe and I know what’s coming. Believe me, he fucking lived up to his name. Shit went everywhere. It was like watching ten-pin bowling, Joe was the ball, and the rest of us the fucking skittles. Katie, the manageress was shitting herself but knew she had to try to reason with him. I didn’t know you could fit half a pear up one nostril. That’s when the window went in.”

No. Please. Don’t do it

Jane – that’s the waitress’s name, told us what happened next. “How much am I getting for this again? £200? Okay. So where was I? Oh, yeah, Joe’s put the window through and he’s gone outside on the riverbank. He turned around and did that incredible hulk thing, y’know, where his clothes rip off and he screams with rage at the top of his voice? Shit is still falling around us, and people are crawling through the wreckage trying to get away. And then, this idiot, this thin, old, gentleman pensioner type starts walking towards Joe. He must have been 80 or something. Well, he eventually gets there. He’s standing right in front of him, and he starts wagging his finger. You can’t hear what he’s saying but you’re thinking – No. Please. Don’t do it, mate. But it was too late.”

Our secret insider told us that after the elderly gentleman was karate-kicked into the river,  a number of very able water people dove or dived in to fish him out. He was later rushed to Colchester hospital with a suspected squashed heart.

Squashed heart of gold

Was it your grandad who remonstrated with Joe Thunderhawk? If so, please get in touch with us at editor@suffolkgazette.com so we can forward him our special ‘Squashed heart of gold’ award.