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Royal Mail & CWU end lover’s tiff

The Editor
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Royal Mail & CWU end lover’s tiff
Royal Mail & CWU end lover's tiff

The long-standing feud between Royal Mail and the Communication Workers Union.(CWU) finally reached a heartwarming conclusion today with a display of affection reminiscent of the 1960’s hippy era of peace and love.

Postal workers, renowned for their commitment to overlook the delivery of letters. come rain or shine in favour of militant political inactivity, decided by 60% to 40% to express their approval.of Royal Mail’s 10% pay offer in the most poetic way possible – by posting ballot forms adorned with the word ‘love’.

Letterbox

CWU spokesperson, Penny Stamp exclaimed, “We were expecting a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no,’ but our employees certainly went above and beyond with this display of affection. We never knew a ballot form could evoke such profound sentiments! Our hearts have been overwhelmed by this flood of ‘love letters’ from our dedicated postal workers. It’s like a romantic comedy but without the awkward misunderstandings or sloppy montage sequences.”

However, the 40% of posties who rejected the offer didn’t find anything funny in the prospect of their long strategy of industrial action ending in abject capitulation. Ipswich Mail Centre Blueshirt, Dave Spock told the SUFFOLK GAZETTE, “Not happy. I voted ‘Fuck off.’ This means I’ve actually got to go back and do some f*cking work, FFS.”

Stamp of Approval

Despite some lingering bitterness, both sides of the long-running dispute over higher pay and better working conditions accepted the ‘love ballot’ as a sign of unity and a real passion for the mail service.

Royal Mail and CWU Separation

Royal Mail and CWU officials are now considering commissioning a commemorative stamp.to celebrate the extraordinary resolution,.showcasing a heart-shaped letter being hugged by an enthusiastic postman under the RM motto: Better late than never.’

Conehead Car Chaos In Ipswich City Centre

The Editor
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Conehead Car Chaos In Ipswich City Centre
Conehead Car Chaos In Ipswich City Centre

An idiotic gang of drunk, teenage delinquents dressed as traffic cones caused chaos on the roads in Ipswich city centre last night.

The collection of shiftless, antisocial miscreants who have been dubbed ‘The Coneheads’ by social media commentators, thought it would be funny to waddle into the middle of the road as the pubs were turning out on Northgate Street at 11.30 pm.

Standing in the way of traffic, and bounding around like tedious, post-modern, performance artists, the moronic apaths amused themselves for around 45 minutes until police were called to disperse them.

DickConeheads

News of the uproarious incident quickly spread through social media, prompting countless memes and hilarious photoshopped images of the Coneheads’ childish escapades.

Some commentators (probably lefty students, or the unemployed) considered the prankish behaviour amusing (“Go the Coneheads!”, “Can’t stop the Coneheads!”) while the sensible majority (older, cleaner people) rightly condemned the loutish antics in the strongest possible terms (“Don’t condone the Coneheads.”, “Hang the Coneheads!!!!”)

Ipswich City Centre

It is not clear whether the Coneheads acted alone or were attempting to make a political point as part of the wider ‘social justice warrior movement’ which includes; Lesbinas, Just Stop the Oiling group, Greenpuss, The Labia Party, The Liberal Hermocrats, CamFam, Harriet Harperson, RFHC (Rainbow Flying High Coalition), and other silly lefty-lawyer organizations that want to stop us kicking out foreign criminals.

Cone alone

Ipswich police later posted an update on Twitter which read: “’Allo, allo, ‘allo, wot we got ‘ere then? Well, it looks laike wot we got is a small group of h-inebriated local students who have been causin’ a rumpus in their local community.

Anyone would think that his majesty’s constabulary ain’t got nothing better to do than go haround cleanin’ up after them, whell we haive, I can tell yooo. However, I can report that we haive nicked four of ‘em, but we are still traiyin’ to locate one other. But don’t worray, we shall ‘av’ ‘im soon.”

Are you the missing Conehead, or do you know who it is…or isn’t?

Email: missingconehead@suffolkgazette.com

Man jailed for stealing Cadbury Creme Eggs

The Editor
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Man jailed for stealing Cadbury Creme Eggs
Man jailed for stealing Cadbury Creme Eggs

‘Proper Charlie’ and the chocolate factory. How do you eat yours? For Toby Jewel, the man who stole 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, the answer is – ‘in jail’.

Labelled ‘Willy Wanker’, Jewel, 32 of Eastbridge, East Suffolk, pinched the delicious Cadbury Creme Eggs and other yummy goods from a nearby chocolate factory where he had previously worked as a forklift truck driver.

Using a forklift to smash through the wall of the warehouse storing the chocolate treats, the sour-spirited ‘anti-Willy Wonka’ gluttonously nabbed the goods which were destined for shop shelves and excitable sweet-toothed children.

Plan foiled

Attempting afterward to make his getaway in a ‘Cadbury-creme-egg-mobile’ advertising vehicle that he also stole from the premises, Jewel led police on a high-speed chase along the A1120 before he was finally stopped and arrested on suspicion of theft. The vehicle was found to contain £31,000 worth of creme eggs and other chocolate products.

Proper Charlie

In court, presiding judge, Lord Justice Marmaduke Rassie-Farquharson VII, described, serial-felon, Jewel as a ‘proper Charlie’ for attempting to escape in a vehicle that not only was he not entitled to drive, but which so clearly drew attention to himself as he drove at speed along the motorway.

Before being sentenced to 18 months in prison, Jewel had pleaded guilty to theft, criminal damage, and driving a Cadbury creme egg without insurance.

Suffolk man ignored for one millionth time

The Editor
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Suffolk man ignored for one millionth time
Suffolk man ignored for one millionth time

A Suffolk man has been ignored for the one-millionth time.

The man whose name I can’t remember right now, was reportedly ignored as he was doing something in Ipswich city centre yesterday although the SUFFOLK GAZETTE has not been able to independently verify exactly what it was he was supposed to have been doing.

Being ignored is a common occurrence amongst the irrelevant and anti-social people of Britain, especially in Suffolk where the interesting and absorbing is in short supply.

Mystery Suffolk man

The display of mass apathy occurred in Cornhill Square in the centre if Ipswich sometime between 8am-6pm on Tuesday. Eyewitnesses report that a sizeable crowd assembled in the square to observe an incident involving the ordinary, uninspiring man.

It seems however that the crowd was actually gathered around an ice cream van parked near where the man was sitting and that his presence was entirely unconnected with the gathering.

I spoke to one concerned onlooker who was present at the scene. Marjorie Blenkinsop, 71, a retired spoon polisher from the 1950’s was standing in the square trying to remove a polo mint from its wrapper when she failed to notice anything happening. I asked her what she saw…

MB      “When?”

SG       When you were in the square. Yesterday.

MB      “When?”

SG       Yesterday.

MB      “What happened?”

SG       The man.

MB      “Oh, the man! What man?”

This reporter decided to call local hospitals, food banks and homeless shelters to find out if anyone had heard about an ineffectual, non-descript man doing something – anything, or having been reported missing, but no-one had.

Is your husband / brother / next-door neighbour dull as fuck? Send your blank emails to: boringDaveKenGrahamBrianorGary@suffolkgazette.snooze.com

Thailand’s Got Talent

The Editor
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Thailand’s Got Talent
Thailand’s Got Talent

Britain’s Got Talent presenter Simon Cowell has taken his talent-spotting adventures to a whole new level.

In a brash move typical of the smug showbiz impresario,.Simon Cowell flew all the way to Thailand in search of the next big thing in pop music. However, his bold methods have raised a few eyebrows and left the people of Thailand.(Thai people or Thais) scratching their heads.

So Macho

During an audition in a bustling market square in Bangkok,.monobrowed Cowell stumbled upon a young, unsuspecting female pop singer whose whiny voice mesmerized him. Without a second thought, the renowned talent judge.literally scooped her up in his arms and whisked her away back to the United Kingdom, leaving the audience, and the girl’s parents in a state of utter confusion.

Simon Got Talent

Eyewitnesses described the scene as surreal, with Cowell strutting triumphantly, carrying the bewildered singer like a prize-winning trophy. Rumors swirled that the whole incident might have been an elaborate publicity stunt,.but Cowell insisted that his behaviour was normal for a music industry executive.

Papaya Pop Princess

Now settled in the UK, the singer, stage name, Jasmine Jingle, has embarked on a whirlwind journey into the world of pop stardom. Cowell has spared no expense, creating a lavish Asian-themed recording studio in his backyard and enlisting a team of industry professionals to groom (ahem) the young artist.

While some may view this escapade as an eccentric quest for talent, others question the ethics of plucking the ‘Bangkok Belle’ from her homeland without any regard for cultural sensitivities or immigration control.

Jasmine Jingle’s debut single ‘Carried Away’ is released on Psychopath Records early next year.

Seagull No.73 reported DEAD!

The Editor
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Seagull No.73 reported DEAD!
Seagull No.73 reported DEAD!

LOWESTOFT, SUFFOLK – Reports of the death of infamous seagull No.73 are pouring into the SUFFOLK GAZETTE newsdesk.

Reporting from the scene – Lorraine Fisher, 34…

Hi. I am standing here on the promenade in Lowestoft where it has been reported that a seagull, believed to be local celebrity gull, ‘Seagull 73’, has been savagely beaten to death with a walking stick belonging to an old-aged pensioner.

The incident allegedly happened at 1 pm Central Standard Time, some thirty-eight minutes ago. The reports have yet to be confirmed but it is said that the brutal attack occurred after the victim had tried to steal a chicken nugget from the OAP.

Stay tuned for all the latest updates…

Regular readers of the SUFFOLK GAZETTE will know the incredible story of legendary seagull 73, the most notorious gull in East Anglia’s proud coastal history. When only a five-week-old chick, Seagull 73 saved his mother’s life by deliberately tumbling out of his cliff-top nest and pecking out the eyes of an Alsatian dog who had cornered and threatened her.

Ever since then, the fearsome gull has gloried the Lowestoft skies with his bravery, daring, and mesmerizing aerobatic prowess, not to mention his ability to steal a donut from a holidaymaker before it has left the frying machine.

Seagul no 73 is just Lucky

HOLD ON… I am just getting a report from my contact in the local RSPB that the dead gull… is seagull 73! Oh My God! That is terrible news. The locals will be devastated. HANG ON! What’s that?

The dead gull ISN’T No.73 but is in fact No.173? Oh my… what a relief!

Excuse me (grabbing a passing goth)… have you heard the news? Seagull 73 IS NOT DEAD!!! Isn’t it great?

“Whatever.”

Excuse me Madam (OAP), Have you heard? The seagull beaten to death was not Seagull 73 but Seagull 173!

“Phew. I bet you lot at the SUFFOLK GAZETTE are relieved. He’s all you ever fucking write about.”

Where to Find Funny Birthday Cards

The Editor
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Where to Find Funny Birthday Cards

There’s nothing quite like a funny birthday card to make someone laugh on their big day. Whether you’re looking for a card to make someone groan with laughter or giggle with delight, click to visit. Boomf’s funny birthday cards are the perfect way to make someone laugh on their big day! With a wide range of designs to choose from, Boomf has got something for everyone. Whether you’re looking for a card that’s full of wit or one that’s just a little bit cheeky, Boomf has got you covered.

Where to Find Funny Birthday Cards

Where to Find Funny Birthday Cards

If you’re looking for a laugh on someone’s special day, you can’t go wrong with a funny birthday card. These cards are sure to bring a smile to the birthday boy or girl’s face, and they can be found at many different retailers. One great place to find funny birthday cards is your local grocery store. Many of these stores have a large selection of cards to choose from, and you’re sure to find one that will make the recipient laugh.

Another option is to shop online for funny birthday cards. Many websites sell these cards, and you’ll be able to find one that fits your budget and the recipient’s sense of humor. If you’re looking for something truly unique, you can always create your funny birthday card. This is a great option if you have a specific joke or message in mind that you know the recipient will love. You can either design your card using online tools or purchase pre-made cards that you can customise with your own message. Either way, creating your own card is a great way to ensure that it’s one that the birthday boy or girl will always remember.

How to Make Funny Birthday Cards Online?

Funny birthday cards are a great way to show your loved ones that you care. Here are some tips on how to make funny birthday cards online:

1. Find a funny birthday card template. Many websites offer funny birthday card templates.

2. Choose a funny image or photograph. You can find many free online images by searching for “free funny birthday cards” in your favourite search engine.

3. Find a funny meme that describes the birthday boy or girl. If you know the birthday boy or girl well, find a meme that accurately describes their personality or sense of humour.

4. Add your text to the card. You can be as creative as you like when it comes to the text on your card. Just make sure that the text is appropriate for the recipient’s age group.

5. Print out the card and mail it to the recipient. You can also print out the card and hand-deliver it if you prefer.

What to Write in Funny Birthday Cards?

When it comes to funny birthday cards, the sky’s the limit! There are tons of ways to make someone laugh on their big day, so get creative and have fun with it. Here are a few ideas to get you started:

  • Write something cheesy: corny jokes are always a hit on birthdays!
  • Make a pun: they may groan, but they’ll laugh.
  • Be sarcastic: a little bit of sarcasm can go a long way in making someone laugh. Just be careful not to cross the line!
  • Go for the shock factor: say something unexpected or outrageous. This is sure to get a rise (and a laugh) out of the birthday boy or girl.

Whatever you do, just make sure your funny birthday card is coming from a place of love and good intentions. A genuine smile is always the best accessory!

Weeta-mix-up Amazon laptop

The Editor
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Weeta-mix-up Amazon laptop
Weeta-mix-up Amazon laptop

An unemployed Suffolk man ordered a swanky laptop from Amazon worth over £500 but only received two boxes of Weetabix cereal.

Brian James, 52 from Worlingham, Suffolk, ordered the hi-tech kit (an Amazon Laptop) as a gift to himself, to enable him to take an online course on the historical connection between Thai sex workers and table tennis.

However, when the Amazon package arrived he was shocked to discover that he had been sent packets of Weetabix cereal, worth only a fraction of what he had spent.

I visited Brian at his home and asked him what happened next.

“Well, the package arrived at 8.45 am and I hadn’t had my breakfast yet, so I ate them.”

You ate them?

“Yes.”

All of them?

“No. Only six.”

But weren’t you concerned that you might have to return them?

“A little bit, but I was hungry.”

Brian went on to explain that later that morning, Amazon returned with his laptop. It turned out that the Weetabix had been ordered by a James Brian, 52 from Worlingworth but delivered to him in error.

The delivery driver declined to take back the opened packet of cereal.

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