Saturday, January 14, 2023

Locals up in arms at Co-op’s ‘porno’ breakfast cereals

Locals up in arms at Co-op’s ‘porno’ breakfast cereals
Co-op’s ‘porno’ breakfast cereals

Suffolk residents are up in arms at the introduction of ‘pornographic’ breakfast cereals at Co-op’s Lowestoft branch.

In a bid to attract a younger, randier class of clientele, Co-op has introduced a line of ‘top shelf’ cereals that are designed to help ‘get you going’ in the morning. Cereals such as; Fruity Hoops (lol), Coco Munch (snigger), Cinnamon Mini-Buns (chortle), and Comet Balls (guffaw) have all been designated as ‘adult’ cereals and will from now on, only be sold to over 18s.

Co-op Cereals Collection

Lowestoft resident Thomas Crinch, chair of the campaign group Residents AGainst Everything (RAGE) spoke to the SUFFOLK GAZETTE about his member’s concerns (snigger). “Well, it just isn’t on is it? I didn’t fight in the war just so young people can go around chewing on Honey Cups, licking Booty O’s, and enjoying some Deep Sea Crunch before 9.00 am. It’s utterly disgusting and up with it the members of RAGE will not put. That is why we are here today, protesting at this FILTH!”

Other cereal brands that have caused offense to the mainly, older, conservative residents of Lowestoft include; Fingos (snigger), Cream of Wheat (fnarr fnarr), Blueberry Muffin Toasters (giggle), and Double Dip Crunch (double snigger).

Manager of the branch, Dafydd Cowell, defended his decision to introduce the adult breakfast range “Oh, come on! What’s the ham ennet? It’s only a bet of fun ennet?” (Cowell is Welsh.) “Look, everyone I know likes a little rumpy-pumpy en the morning donthey? It’s a luvvly way to start the day, isn’t et? So what’s the ham in having a Home Run Crunch (snigger), firs thing en the morning? No ham at all! Each to their own, I say!”

Mature Breakfast

co-op breakfast cereals
Grano love

Asked if he sympathized with the older residents’ views on morning sex, Cowell replied “Of course I do, that’s why we put in a special cereal just for the olders. It’s called Granolove. Honest!”

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