GRAYS, ESSEX – Libertarian Home Secretary, Suella Braverman has put her money where her mouth is and opened a ‘Golli Pub’ in the Essex heartland.
Braverman, who was criticised earlier in the year for defending a Grays publican. Who had displayed several ‘Golliwog’ dolls in their establishment,.has backed up her controversial stance by opening her own ‘Golli’ themed pub in the area. And what is wrong with that?
Good Golli!
Talking to reporters as she served pints from behind the wood-panelled bar. Braverman said she was “a proud owner” of a vast collection of Golli memorabilia that had been in her family for generations. Gesturing to a collection of about 50 dolls scattered throughout the pub.
She described how many of them had been donated to her by her late aunt and others by customers. Who regularly visited the pub on their way to and from the local amateur dramatics production.of ‘The Black & White Minstrel Show’ which is currently showing at the town hall.
Where’s the harm?
She went on to tell astonished reporters from the BBC and The Guardian newspaper that “They’re my childhood history, it’s a part of our inheritance. I can’t see any harm. I don’t know how they (do-gooders) can find it offensive.”
Asked if she was not concerned that some people might find her elaborate display of ‘racist memorabilia’ offensive, Braverman replied, “Nope. They’re just knitted dolls. Quite harmless, and no different to the Irish leprechaun troll with the big orange hair, or the white-face cabbage patch dolls with the big flat faces and pushed-in eyes. All these other racial caricatures are still very successful and selling extremely well on eBay, Etsy and Amazon. I think black people are missing out on strong sales, especially in the run-up to Christmas.”
Golli Pub Hate
As the press conference drew to a close, Police Officers from the local force arrived at the pub. Following the report of a hate crime having occurred at The Gollwwog Inn. Removing her pinny before greeting the officers at the front door, the home secretary, in a loud cockney accent, said: “You shouldn’t be getting involved in this kind of nonsense. Why don’t you piss off back to the beat and focus on catching some real criminals?”
Who is the most successful football club in your area? If your fella, your dad, or your brother doesn’t know. The SUFFOLK GAZETTE has put together the definitive statistical analysis of regional English football – mostly scabbed from the internet.
LONDON – ARSENAL
Arsenal FC has won 13 league titles (including one ‘invincible’ unbeaten season). A record 14 FA Cups, two League Cups, 17 FA Community Shields. The Football League Centenary Trophy, one European Cup Winners’ Cup, and one Inter-Cities Fairs Cup. Their most successful manager was Arsene Wenger who was named after German Divison 3 club, Wenger FC.
WEST MIDLANDS – ASTON VILLA
Aston Villa is one of the oldest and most successful clubs in England. Having won the Football League First Division seven times. The FA Cup seven times, the League Cup five times, and the European Cup and European Super Cup once. You can also get a decent curried pasty at halftime at Villa Park.
EAST ANGLIA – IPSWICH TOWN
The tractor boys have an impressive ‘tractor’ record, winning the English league title in 1961–62, and twice finishing runners-up, in 1980–81 and 1981-82. They won the FA Cup in 1978, and the UEFA Cup in 1981. In 1991-92, Ipswich Town won the Division Two title and were promoted to the first Premier League season. It is a little-known fact that the pitch at Portman Road is regularly spread with local muck.
NORTH WEST – LIVERPOOL
The club has won 19 league titles, eight FA Cups, a record nine League Cups, and 16 FA Community Shields. Internationally, the club has won six European Cups, three UEFA Cups, four UEFA Super Cups—all English records—as well as one FIFA Club World Cup. They also hold the record for the tightest perms in English football.
NORTH EAST – NEWCASTLE
As well as having the fattest fans in the game, Newcastle has won four League titles, six FA Cups, and an FA Charity Shield, as well as the 1968–69 Inter-Cities Fairs Cup. Shame you can’t understand anything they say, especially if Peter Beardsley is commentating.
EAST MIDLANDS – NOTTINGHAM FOREST
Nottingham Forest have won two European Cups, one UEFA Super Cup, one League title, two FA Cups, four League Cups, and one FA Charity Shield. Their major successes came under feisty Manager, Brian Clough who was most famous for being found asleep in a ditch, which, he said, had happened ‘mid-ramble’.
SOUTH – PORTSMOUTH
‘Pompey’ has twice won the top division in England (1949 and 1950). They have also won the FA Cup twice (1939 and 2008). In 2010, the club came close to bankruptcy after Harry Redknapp (who wasn’t convicted of 189k tax evasion) had been in charge for a bit, but was saved when the Russian businessman Vladimir Antonov took over the club in 2011.
YORKSHIRE & HUMBER – SHEFFIELD WEDNESDAY
Nicknamed ‘The Owls’, Sheffield Wednesday is one of the most successful teams in English football, having won four league titles, three FA Cups, one League Cup, and one FA Community Shield. They are named ‘Wednesday’ because that was the only day of the week that the founding members could spell.
SOUTH WEST – SOUTHAMPTON
1976 FA Cup. That’s it.
NEXT WEEK: Complete list of the shittiest English badminton players of the 1920’s!
IPSWICH, SUFFOLK – Patrick Thistle, a fat, 54-year-old builder from Ipswich, embarked on a dining escapade that left a trail of heartburn and heartache across town.
By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent
Thistle, renowned for his insatiable appetite and equally boundless pigheadedness, devised an ingenious scheme to enjoy twenty free meals by faking heart attacks in different restaurants, all in a bid to elude settling the bill. Arsehole.
Thistle’s grand gastronomic swindle saw him unleash a rehearsed array of convulsive theatrics while savoring delicacies at various Ipswich eateries. At the end of each meal, he clutched his chest, rolled his eyes, and feigned cardiac distress, much to the horror of fellow diners and the restaurant staff.
Chapati Chomper
However, Thistle’s capers took a heart-stopping turn when, at the twenty-first restaurant he visited, his culinary hubris caught up with him. As he wolfed down his favourite dish: Chicken Jalfrezi with Peas Pilau rice, Keema Naan, chilled Raita yogurt and nine pints of Holsten Pils lager, a genuine heart attack struck, leaving him gasping for breath and clutching his chest in earnest. Ha ha.
Farted then departed
Paramedics arrived swiftly but, alas, Thistle’s gluttonous adventures met their tragic end as he departed the world for his final meal ticket in the great beyond.
Restaurant owners and staff across Ipswich had the last laugh when they collectively recovered their long-lost bills from Thistle’s sink estate. Some even raised a glass to the man who had tried to con them, but ultimately paid the price for his voracious appetite and pig-faced greed.
As Thistle’s escapades come to an overindulgent end, Ipswich diners can breathe a sigh of relief, and restaurant owners can rest easy, knowing that their establishments are safe from the antics of the legendary builder with an appetite for deception.
The moral of the story? Sometimes, karma serves the last dish, and it’s a dish best-served cold.
Ensuring water quality is a vital role of local councils, involving comprehensive processes to assess, monitor, and treat water sources. Not only does water quality play a crucial role in public health, but it also has economic implications for industries dependent on a reliable water supply.
Understanding The Basics of Water Quality
Grasping what defines good water quality is the cornerstone of effective water management. It encompasses various indicators such as chemical, biological, and physical parameters. While chemical markers involve elements like chlorine, lead, and fluoride, physical factors encompass parameters like temperature and turbidity.
Biological aspects focus on microorganisms such as bacteria and algae that may contaminate water supplies. An understanding of these indicators provides councils with a robust framework for monitoring water quality.
Advancements in technology have resulted in the development of sophisticated sensors that continually relay real-time information. These sensors can detect even minute changes in water parameters, allowing councils to make timely interventions. By eliminating the cumbersome task of manual data collection, these automated systems significantly increase the accuracy and speed of water quality assessments.
Legislation and Compliance
Water quality in the United Kingdom is regulated by a comprehensive set of laws and regulations. Among them are agencies like the Drinking Water Inspectorate (DWI), which focuses on the quality of drinking water, and the Environment Agency, which monitors rivers and lakes. Understanding the intricacies of these laws is pivotal for local councils to maintain compliance. Falling short of these standards exposes councils to legal repercussions and erodes public trust.
Compliance isn’t merely about avoiding legal pitfalls. It’s also a way to uphold the social contract with citizens who rely on local governance to safeguard essential resources. Failure to adhere to water quality standards could result in public outcries and potential crises, which could both tarnish a council’s reputation and put lives at risk. Thus, councils must place compliance at the forefront of their water management strategies.
The Importance of Regular Testing
Testing water quality isn’t a one-off activity; it must be continual and comprehensive. With a myriad of factors that can compromise water quality, such as agricultural runoff, industrial waste, and natural calamities, the importance of frequent and robust testing protocols cannot be overstated. Regular monitoring serves as an early warning system, allowing councils to take preventative measures before minor issues escalate into major crises.
The frequency and extent of these tests can vary depending on several factors including the source of the water, its intended use, and its susceptibility to contamination. Nevertheless, robust and frequent testing offers the advantage of quick detection, which is vital for timely intervention. Whether it’s through the daily analysis of tap water or periodic checks of recreational lakes, councils need a multi-faceted approach to water testing to ensure all bases are covered.
Decentralising Water Treatment
Decentralised water treatment systems have increasingly gained traction as a viable alternative to traditional centralised systems. By treating water locally, these systems offer advantages such as quicker response times and reduced vulnerability to systemic failures. They are also well-suited for localities that have outgrown their existing centralised systems, providing a flexible framework that can be quickly scaled up or down.
Given their modular nature, decentralised systems are particularly useful in emergency situations. If a contaminant affects a particular part of the water supply, a decentralised system could isolate and treat the problem without affecting the entire network. This limits the impact on the community and reduces the risk of widespread health issues.
Implementing Advanced Technologies
Modern technology has revolutionised the realm of water quality management. Take titration, for instance. This method is invaluable for determining various water parameters such as pH levels and water hardness. For your titration requirements, Metrohm offers reliable and accurate equipment that can dramatically improve the efficiency of your operations.
The rapid advancement in technology also means that what took several days to complete can now be accomplished within hours. This speed is invaluable to councils as it allows them to make swift, informed decisions that can affect the wellbeing of their communities. From data analytics to machine learning algorithms, these tools are transforming the way councils approach water quality management.
Public Awareness and Education
Managing water quality is a collective responsibility that goes beyond the purview of local councils. Educating the public about responsible water usage can significantly impact the effectiveness of water management strategies.
By utilising various channels like social media, workshops, and community outreach programmes, councils can actively engage with residents. The role of education in water quality management cannot be overstated; it not only encourages responsible behaviour but also fosters a sense of collective ownership among community members, thereby enhancing the effectiveness of local councils’ initiatives.
Crisis Management
In the unfortunate event of a water quality emergency, swift and effective action is crucial. Whether the crisis is natural or man-made, councils need to have detailed crisis management plans that delineate the steps to isolate the problem, begin treatment, and communicate with the public. Time is a critical factor in crisis management; delays in action can exacerbate the situation, turning a manageable problem into a full-blown disaster. Councils should undertake regular reviews and drills to ensure that their crisis management plans are both current and effective.
Global Trends and Future Outlook
Local councils need to be attuned to global trends that could influence water quality management. Climate change, for example, poses challenges such as increased droughts and more frequent extreme weather events. These not only affect water availability but also have serious implications for water quality. In response, councils should update their strategies to adapt to these new challenges, potentially drawing upon international best practices and innovative technologies.
As the global population grows, so does the strain on water resources. Local councils must stay ahead of the curve in implementing scalable and flexible solutions. Whether it’s adopting new technologies or building stronger collaborations at the international level, the future of water quality management requires an adaptable and forward-thinking approach.
Summing Up
Managing water quality is a complex yet crucial responsibility for local councils. Balancing technological, legal, and community-based aspects requires a multifaceted approach that leaves no room for error. In today’s ever-changing landscape marked by advancements in technology and challenges like climate change, local councils must remain proactive, vigilant, and agile. Ensuring the safety and quality of water isn’t just about compliance; it’s about sustaining the wellbeing of communities for generations to come.
Choosing the right dog food is a significant responsibility for pet owners. With the multitude of options available, it’s essential to understand the fundamentals of canine nutrition to make informed choices. Dry dog food, also known as kibble, is a popular choice for many pet owners due to its convenience, affordability, and long shelf life. In this article, we will explore what good dry dog food is about and why it’s essential for your furry friend’s well-being.
Nutrition
Good dry dog food starts with nutrient-Rich and high-quality ingredients. Look for products with real meat as the primary ingredient, such as chicken, beef, or salmon – as dogs are primarily carnivores. These proteins are essential for your dog’s overall health, as they provide vital amino acids that support muscle growth and repair. Avoid foods with vague or generic meat sources like “meat meal” or “by-products” as they can be of lower quality and less nutritious. Because balanced nutrition is crucial for your dog’s overall well-being. A good dry dog food should provide the right balance of protein, fats, and carbohydrates. A balanced diet supports healthy growth, energy levels, and proper immune system function.
Real Benefits
While dogs are primarily carnivores, they can benefit from the inclusion of whole grains and vegetables in their diet. These ingredients provide essential fiber, vitamins, and minerals. Look for dog foods that include potatoes, rice, corn, and peas. Avoid foods with excessive fillers like soy, as they offer fewer nutritional benefits.
Nutrient density is a measure of how many essential nutrients are packed into each serving of dog food. High-quality dry dog food is formulated to provide a higher nutrient density, ensuring your pet gets all the necessary vitamins, minerals, and amino acids with smaller portions. This means your dog will feel satisfied and receive the nutrients they need without overeating or experiencing weight gain.
Beware
A good dry dog food should be free from artificial additives such as colors, flavors, and preservatives. These additives can lead to allergies and sensitivities in some dogs, causing skin issues, digestive problems, or hyperactivity. Opt for products with natural ingredients and consider hypoallergenic options, like Iberian pork, if your dog has specific dietary sensitivities.
When selecting dry dog food, always read the label carefully. Reputable brands provide transparent and detailed information about the ingredients, including the source of the primary proteins and other key components.
A clear breakdown of macronutrients (protein, fats, carbohydrates) and a comprehensive list of vitamins and minerals included in the formula should be readily available on the packaging. By reviewing the label, you can make informed choices about your dog’s nutrition. You’ll know exactly what you’re feeding your pet, which is essential for their overall health.
Remember the essentials
In conclusion, good dry dog food is crucial for your pet’s well-being and happiness. A quality kibble provides a balanced, nutrient-dense diet, and it is made with high-quality, natural ingredients, free from artificial additives. When it comes to providing the best nutrition for our four-legged companions, PLATINUM stands out as an exceptional choice.
With a commitment to quality and a unique approach to dry dog food, PLATINUM offers a level of excellence that sets it apart from the rest. They do not only use the freshest ingredients in their dog food, ensuring that every bite is packed with essential nutrients, their commitment to quality is evident through their selection of real meat as the primary ingredient, guaranteeing that your dog receives the premium protein they need for optimal health. PLATINUM dry dog food boasts high nutrient density, meaning that your dog gets all the vital vitamins, minerals, and amino acids they need in smaller portions. This approach promotes efficient digestion and reduces the risk of overeating and obesity.
By selecting the right dry dog food, you can ensure that your canine companion receives the nutrition they need to thrive and lead a long, healthy life. Always consult with your veterinarian for specific dietary recommendations tailored to your dog’s unique needs. With the right dry dog food, you can contribute to your furry friend’s overall health and happiness.
Conclusion
One final note: The most expensive food is not necessarily the very best food for your dog. However, when buying food, look for a high meat content and a low grain content. Buy a smaller container first and test several types of food before you make your final decision!
Let’s face it, the world of online gambling has drastically evolved over the years. From basic slots to complex poker games, the online casino has a little something for everyone. However, there’s a specific niche that has gained traction in recent years: live casino games. When you’re scrolling through your options at a live online casino UK residents have access to, you’ll find an assortment of live games that closely mimic the experience of being in a brick-and-mortar casino. While these games aren’t for everyone, they certainly offer a different type of entertainment that you should consider trying at least once.
The Human Element
Online gaming is convenient, yes. However, it does lack the social aspects that a real casino provides. You might not want to put on a suit or evening dress and go out for a night at a casino, but you might still miss the interaction with dealers and other players. That’s where live casino games come in. Live dealers host the games, and you can interact with them and other players in real time. It bridges the gap between the virtual world and real-life casino atmosphere, without requiring you to leave your home.
Realistic Experience
Live casino games don’t just stop at the human interaction. The setting is also designed to resemble a genuine casino environment. From the layout of the tables to the background music, every detail is meticulously planned to immerse you in the experience. This adds another layer to your gaming that you won’t find in standard online games. The setup also includes multiple camera angles to give you a full view of the table and dealer, so you’re not missing out on any action.
Skill Vs Luck
Let’s address the elephant in the room. Standard online casino games often rely on Random Number Generators (RNGs) to determine the outcome. While this system is frequently tested for fairness, there’s still a perception among players that they’re somehow being cheated. Live casino games, however, remove this concern. You can see the cards being dealt or the roulette wheel spinning, providing an extra layer of trust. This changes the dynamics of the game and allows for a more skill-based approach, which some players find more satisfying.
Variety of Options
Live casino games are not a monolith; they come in all shapes and sizes. Whether you prefer the fast-paced action of blackjack or the strategy-based play of poker, there’s something for everyone. Baccarat, craps, and roulette are other popular choices, and most live casinos will offer multiple variations of these games. This variety ensures you won’t easily get bored and can switch games whenever you feel like trying something new.
Accessibility
Long gone are the days when casino gaming was limited to those who could afford to visit Las Vegas or Monte Carlo. With live casino games, all you need is a stable internet connection and a device to play on. Whether it’s a desktop computer, a laptop, or even a mobile phone, you can get the live casino experience from anywhere. This makes the games more accessible to a wider audience and removes some of the barriers to entry that newcomers might face.
Cost Efficiency
Another aspect worth mentioning is the financial benefit of live casino games. If you think about it, going to a physical casino involves a lot of additional expenses such as travel, accommodation, and food and drinks. However, when you play live casino games from the comfort of your home, you avoid all these extra costs. This allows you to focus on the game and maybe even play longer sessions than you would in a physical casino.
The Learning Curve
For newcomers, jumping into casino games can be intimidating. The rules, the strategies, and even the etiquette can be confusing. However, live casino games often come with a feature that you might find helpful: a live chat. You can ask the dealer questions about the game in real-time, and some platforms even allow for a ‘beginner’s table’, where you can learn the ropes without the pressure of playing against seasoned gamblers.
Don’t Knock It ‘Til You’ve Tried It
So, you’ve heard all the reasons why live casino games offer a unique experience that’s worth trying. While it’s true that they might not be everyone’s cup of tea, it’s hard to pass judgment without giving them a go. They bring in a new level of excitement, realism, and social interaction that you won’t find in traditional online casino games. Whether you’re a seasoned player or a newcomer to the online casino world, live games offer a different way to enjoy your favourite casino activities. So why not take the plunge and try them out for yourself?
WAITROSE, STOWMARKET – a branch of Waitrose in the picturesque town of Stowmarket, Suffolk, UK, created a public relations blunder that appalled their upmarket customers.
The fiasco began when the store unveiled a window display bearing the phrase “You Count”. In an attempt to convey the message that every customer mattered. The slogan was intended to be an ode to inclusivity and a message of appreciation to Waitrose’ upper-crust customers.
Waitrose customers
However, what local customers saw was quite a different story. The letter “o” in “You Count” had been artfully, or rather artlessly, removed from the original slogan. The result? “You Cunt” beamed at passersby in bold letters, invoking shock, outrage, and no shortage of embarrassed chuckles.
Fishy c*nt
Following an investigation by store management. It was revealed that the fishy goings-on were the work of a disgruntled member of the supermarket’s staff. Jason Savage, 16, who had been stewing over his measly pay. He had decided to take matters into his own hands.– or rather, paintbrush, and send the store’s management a message they wouldn’t forget in a hurry.
Harumphing customers
Soon after the store opened yesterday morning, harumphing customers, unimpressed with the employee’s ingenious act of vandalism, turned away, leaving their grocery carts behind as they headed off to more appreciative establishments.
Waitrose swiftly addressed the situation, repairing the damaged display,.but by then the damage was done, and the supermarket was left counting the cost of its ill-fated “You Count” campaign.
WESTMINSTER, ENGLAND – Tory MP Nadine Dorries confided in her best friend about a dream she had of a movie-style romance with former PM, Boris Johnson.
According to Dorries’ snitch friend, after a night in drowning her political woes in cheap champagne,.the scouse floozy, dreamt she had become the iconic Rose from the film “Titanic,”.and her love interest was none other than her close political ally and former boss, Boris Johnson, transformed into the dashing Jack.
Booze-induced alternate reality
In her dream, Nadine wore a luxurious gown reminiscent of the Edwardian era, complete with a diamond-studded tiara. Boris, her faux common-as-muck suitor, with the undeniable charm of a rogue swept up in an aristocratic love affair, donned a dandruff-smattered tuxedo.
Allegedly, as the dream unraveled, the two politicians, typically embroiled in the complexities of Brexit, Covid-19 response, and the like, now found themselves caught up in a romance that could rival any Hollywood blockbuster. The grand ballroom of the Titanic ship became the backdrop for their whirlwind love story.
Plonk-fuelled fantasy
In Dorries’ plonk-fuelled fantasy, the two political kindred spirits waltzed gracefully across.the gleaming floor to the strains of a string quartet’s screeching melody. Boris, who in reality was better known for his ability to dance around difficult political questions,.twirled Nadine with surprising elan.
Momentarily, their eyes locked, and, for a fleeting moment, it was as if the Labour Party and the BBC never existed.
But, just as in real life, the Titanic hit a metaphoric iceberg in the form of an unexpected political crisis.– lockdown parties in Downing Street. Boris, with his signature charisma, attempted to reassure Nadine that what was being said about him was bollocks, but this iceberg proved catastrophic.
Bodies intertwined
With the ship of their dreams sinking fast, Nadine and Boris clung to each other, not in defiance of the storm, but in defiance of reality.
As the icy waters encroached, they whispered promises of future budgets and political victories,.but, just as their bodies were inextricably intertwined, so was their political fate.
According to Nadine’s mate, the former Secretary of State for Digital,.Culture, Media and Sport, roused by a loud bang on the door from the removal men, awoke from her dream with a groan, realizing that, in reality, her relationship with Boris was far from the passionate romance of ‘Titanic’ and more like an episode of Laurel & Hardy.
NEXT WEEK: Nigel Farage’s nightmare about being the gimp sex slave of President of the European Commission, dominatrix, Ursula von der Leyen.
