Tuesday, November 18, 2025
Home Blog Page 72

Xmas Polar Bears do it doggy-style

0

IPSWICH, SUFFOLK – the Hollytrees Shopping Centre in Ipswich, Suffolk, found itself at the center of a fur-raising controversy over its seasonal display featuring a family of giant replica polar bears.

Controversial erection

The playful exhibit, meant to capture the joy of the holiday season, faced unexpected backlash from parents who were taken aback by the, shall we say, intimate positioning of the statuesque mom and dad bears.

The uproar reached a fever pitch as some shoppers claimed that the bears’ arrangement appeared to depict an amorous encounter in the notorious style favoured by dogs. Outraged parents, shielding their children’s innocent eyes from the display, demanded the immediate removal of what they deemed an inappropriate depiction of polar passion.

Christmas Spice

In contrast, a faction of shoppers saw the display differently, appreciating its ecological relevance. With polar bears facing the threat of extinction due to vanishing sea ice caused by climate change, some argued that the exhibit highlighted the urgent need for conservation efforts.

The species is, after all, protected as a threatened species under the Endangered Species Act. Amidst the furore, one amused shopper found humour in the situation, quipping, “The more polar bears shagging, the better!”

Polar Bears festive display

In the end, after wrestling with the polarizing response to its festive display, the shopping centre decided to remove the amorous polar bears display, leaving the residents of Ipswich to ponder the frosty faux pas which led to an unintentionally steamy celebration of seasonal survival.

The polar bears, at least, added a much-needed blast of heat in the coldest season of the year.

Santa’s sack thrills kids this Christmas with chocolate orange ball bag

0
Santa’s sack thrills kids this Christmas with chocolate orange ball bag

B&M, IPSWICH – In a daring retail gamble, renowned chocolate manufacturer Terry’s has unveiled its latest festive creation—the ‘chocolate orange ball bag’.

Priced at a mere £1, this cocoa and orange-infused masterpiece (chocolate orange ball bag) is poised.to fill the stockings of chocolate lovers across the UK this Christmas season. Blending the decadence of chocolate with the aroma of Santa’s sack – and we don’t mean the one on his sleigh.

Has he been yet?

Taking inspiration from none other than Santa Claus himself. The chocolate orange ball bag is crafted in the likeness of one of the iconic man’s ball sacks. Because who wouldn’t want to put a large brown chocolate bollock in your mouth on Christmas morning|?

For just a quid, consumers can indulge in the unique confection. After first splitting, open the ball bag to separate the segments, of course. With a regular chocolate orange, this is usually done by giving it a firm whack on a kitchen counter. However, Terry’s recommends that to open Santa’s chocolate gonad, a firm kick across the room should do the trick.

Hitler had one

While some food commentators see the ball bag as a daring and provocative approach to seasonal retailing. Critics argue that Terry’s has crossed the line between festive cheer and common decency.

Local resident and retired army Major, Brian Panhandle-Smythe DSO CIE. Chair of the Ipswich chapter of do-gooding campaign group.

Residents Against Everything (RAGE) said “Santa’s WHAAAAAT? OUTRAGEOUS! I didn’t attack German positions on the Lofoten Islands in Norway during WWII. Just so that in 2023 foreign invaders could lounge around on Christmas morning licking SANTA’S BALL BAAAAAAAAGS!!!! WHAAAAT? Personally, I prefer a mouthful of nuts. Now GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!”

Chocolate orange ball bag availability

As the chocolate orange ball bag begins to fly off supermarket shelves. It remains to be seen whether it will replace the good old chocolate orange as the No.1 most popular Xmas chocolate gift, or simply sag like the scrotum it was modelled on.

Suffolk farmer saves Christmas!

0
Suffolk farmer saves Christmas!

NAYLAND, SUFFOLK – Santa Claus has found himself ‘up a chimney without a mince pie’ as his trusty 200-year-old sleigh has succumbed to the perils of rot and rust—at the worst possible time.

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

Santa declared his sleigh “fucked” due to its vector quantity hyperflange dangling precariously off the rear end and in dire need of major repairs.

Santa is Turkish

Born in A.D. 280 in Patara, near Myra in modern-day Turkey, the man in red is no stranger to mechanical challenges. Having designed and constructed the iconic sleigh himself.

Over the past 200 years, it has dutifully carried him through countless chimneys and over snowy rooftops. Delivering joy and presents to children worldwide. However, the relentless march of time has taken its toll on its hyperflange, rendering it unstable and unsuitable for this year’s Christmas Eve run.

Considering his options, Santa briefly flirted with the idea of selling his historic sleigh to the highest bidder on webuyanysleigh.com, but thankfully an old mate of Santa’s – benevolent Suffolk farmer, Reg Crankshaft – stepped in at the last minute. Recognizing the severity of his iconic pal’s predicament, Crankshaft generously agreed to loan him his trusty tractor, a workhorse that, although not airworthy, can easily pull a sleigh loaded with 2 billion gifts plus 18 stone Santa.

Whirring all the way

As Santa makes final preparations for this year’s Christmas deliveries, he may well have mixed emotions about setting off without his beloved sleigh. Armed with his friend’s sturdy stand-in however, he knows that at least the expectant children of the world won’t miss out on their longed-for presents, even if this year, they are roused midway through the night by the whirr of a tractor engine outside their window, rather than the unmistakable jingle of sleigh bells overhead

Lips licked as Costa launches Christmas ‘minge tart’

0
Lips licked as Costa launches Christmas ‘minge tart’

Costa Coffee has unveiled its latest seasonal creation— the “minge tart.” This unconventional pastry, distinguishable by its provocative name. It takes a daring departure from the traditional “mince tart” synonymous with the yuletide season.

By Colin Allcabs, Consumer Editor

Unlike the familiar blend of chopped dried fruit, spirits, and spices that encapsulates the cherished flavour of Christmas. Costa’s minge tart reportedly boasts a taste more akin to stale bread dipped in the juices of three-day-old boiled kippers. Costa Coffee, known for its bold experimentation with flavours. Seems to have ventured into uncharted cunninary culinary territory with this eyebrow-raising creation.

Sporty spice

Costa sales figures for the minge tart are yet to be tallied. Leaving the true measure of its popularity hanging in the holiday-scented air. However, reports suggest an unexpected surge in interest from women’s football teams and female Greenpeace activists. Whether these groups are drawn to the pastry for its audacious name or its avant-garde flavour profile remains a matter of speculation.

Muff muffins

Costa Coffee is banking on the tart and other minge-based baked goods, such as ‘Merry Muff Muffins’ and ‘Fanny-Battered Berry Bakes’ to be a hit this season.

As minge-based pastries take their place alongside traditional gingerbread houses and fruitcakes on the holiday spread, Costa Coffee is giving a whole new meaning to the phrase “seasonal indulgence.”

Thunberg picks Suffolk over Gaza for Christmas hols

0
Thunberg picks Suffolk over Gaza for Christmas hols

AIRPORT, IPSWICH – Bonkers Eco-warrior Greta Thunberg has chosen the cozy comforts of green and pleasant Suffolk over the bombed-out landscapes of the Gaza Strip for her Christmas Holidays.

By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

Arriving at Ipswich airport in unparalleled style, Thunberg made a grand entrance riding sidesaddle on the mythological winged horse, Pegasus. Seemingly unfazed by airport security, her ethereal steed gracefully touched down on the tarmac before Thunberg dismounted with an air of typically calculated nonchalance.

Shit talk is cheap

Spouting her indecipherable slogan, “There is no climate justice without human rights!”, Thunberg, who was recently filmed chanting “crush Zionism” at a rally, explained her surprising choice of holiday destination. She asserted that all flights to the dangerous warzone that is the Gaza Strip ‘were unfortunately booked’, forcing her to reluctantly spend the holidays in Britain—a country she vociferously criticizes for its half-baked environmental policies.

Sceptic Thunberg

As Suffolk residents raised their eyebrows at the unlikelihood of the teenage climate crusader’s ‘inability’ to visit the most dangerous place on Earth, Thunberg extolled the virtues of spending Christmas in a land she once accused of having a “colonial hangover.” On the other hand, she expressed her delight at the prospect of enjoying the county’s bucolic landscapes, seemingly oblivious to the irony of celebrating the holiday season in a safe country she is usually found slagging off.

First class

As Thunberg embarks on her peaceful Suffolk Christmas with her woke, do-gooding pals from her environmental nutter’s group, ‘Fridays for Future’, a local group of Ipswich-based Zionists is said to be clubbing together to hire a private jet for Thunberg which will deliver her first class to Yasser Arafat International Airport, Palestine.

1st Suffolk Regiment facing another Christmas in France

0
1st Suffolk Regiment facing another Christmas in France

DUNKIRK, FRANCE – A battalion of British soldiers, the 1st Suffolk Regiment, has been patiently waiting for evacuation from Dunkirk since May 1940.

By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

Over 80 years have passed since the famous Dunkirk evacuation, but the overlooked soldiers, numbering around 500, are still standing on the beaches, sipping cuppas and wondering if the boats are running late.

Start the boats

Historians and military experts are baffled by the oversight, wondering how a unit could be missed for so long. specially when the Dunkirk evacuation codenamed ‘Operation Dynamo’. In which More than 338,000 allied soldiers were rescued from the beaches and harbour of Dunkirk by a flotilla of small fishing boats and pleasure cruisers.

It was such a celebrated and pivotal moment in World War II. The soldiers, meanwhile, have reportedly been engaged in makeshift footy matches, card games and spirited discussions about their favourite Hollywood starlets including; Betty Grable, Ava Gardner and Rita Hayworth.

Compounding the issue, the current ‘small boats’ crisis in the UK, where thousands of migrants and asylum seekers cross the English Channel in dinghies, has left the French coast with a severe boat shortage. The MOD has promised to address the matter urgently, however, if the Home Office’s attempts to curb the illegal migrant crossings are anything to go by, our boys could be waiting for another 80 years before anything is actually done about it.

Non joyeux noel

As our heroic soldiers patiently bide their time, facing the prospect of spending yet another Christmas on the Normandy beaches, the incident has become a symbol of modern-day bureaucratic incompetence and delay, proving that even in the realm of military operations, time waits for no man—except, hopefully, the 1st Suffolk Regiment.

Grimm outlook for Hadleigh care home residents

0
Grimm outlook for Hadleigh care home residents

An unusual property listing in the picturesque town of Hadleigh, Suffolk, has captured the attention of Christmas house-hunters.

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

Mrs. Witchetha Hagg, the widowed wife of a local butcher. She has put her house in Hadleigh on the market for a sweet £750,000 – its unique selling point? It’s made entirely of gingerbread!

Hagg, a renowned cake and pie maker, is eager to retire to the local Sunset Care Home before Christmas. She hopes for a swift sale of her unique abode. The wonky gingerbread house, a sugary spectacle that has become a local landmark.It is reminiscent of an enchanting cottage from a Grimm brothers fairytale.

Crumbs!

It’s not all sweetness and light though, as old Hagg is notorious in the village for her tendency. To entice young passersby inside with the promise of endless cake and candy. Last year, siblings, Hansel and Gretel Leiderhosen, reported an encounter with Mrs. Hagg. Claiming she invited them into her gingerbread hovel while they were out laying trails of breadcrumbs. Wisely, they declined the offer as she allegedly gestured toward the front door with a slightly ominous meat cleaver in her hand.

Hadleigh’s dream home

For now, the gingerbread house remains on the market as potential buyers are torn between the allure of a confectionary dream home and the lingering tales of Mrs. Witch’s hospitality gone slightly askew.

As Christmas draws closer, locals wonder if anyone will take the bite and become the new owner of Hadleigh’s very own gingerbread dwelling. Mrs. Hagg, with her cleaver and culinary skills at the ready, remains hopeful of a sugary-sweet retirement, while the existent residents of Sunset Care Home are not so sure.

Prince William is sexiest baldie of 2023

0
Prince William is sexiest baldie of 2023

WINDSOR CASTLE, UK – Prince William, the heir to the British throne, has been crowned the sexiest bald man in the world for 2023.

The royal scalp, sometimes adorned with more jewels than thinning follicles. Beat out stiff competition from the likes of Vin Diesel, Jason Statham,. and Jeff Bezos who were left tearing their hair out at the results.

Hirsute salute

Prince William, famous for his charming smile and regal demeanor. Now adds another accolade to his royal repertoire – the global ambassador of bald allure. Fans and admirers worldwide have dubbed the future King’s bare pate. The epitome of regal sexiness. Putting a shine on the popular royal more shimmering than the sunlight reflecting off of his princely head.

Rumors abound that Meghan Markle, never one to be outdone, has dispatched her husband, Prince Harry, to the barber’s shop for a preemptive buzz cut. Insiders suggest that the Duchess of Sussex. Horrified by her brother-in-law’s newfound title, wants Harry to embrace the razor and join the ranks of the smooth-scalped elite.

Hair to the throne

As fans celebrate Prince Williem’s achievement, royal watchers speculate. That their hero’s newfound title may usher in a golden age of acceptance of chrome-domes. Baldness, it seems, is no longer a mere absence of hair.but a dignified symbol of power, charm, and undeniable sex appeal.

In the race for follicular fame, it seems that William is destined to rule not just Britain.and the Commonwealth but also the realm of regal baldness.

Long live the King – and his gleaming, eggshell crown!