Wilko has produced a range of gifts for the people you hate most in the world. The cheap, tacky gifts which, in normal circumstances, you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy, are designed for your worst enemy.
The gifts, which are all manufactured in China and Taiwan, include,.a pair of two-left-footed hessian and polystyrene slippers (£4.49), a family pack of twelve,.one-ply toilet rolls with finger holes (£2.29), a set of six insulting ‘mix’n’match’.water bottles which spell-out exactly how you feel about them (£4.99), and various branded gift cards with no credit on them (£5.00).
Wilko Attitude
Wilko Vice President of Products, Graham Bruckheimer, told the Gazette “Attitudes are changing,.and the retail space has to change with them. Years ago, in the 1950’s for example, people used to be nice,.and they would buy thoughtful gifts for cherished relatives and friends, sometimes taking hours to choose the right gift, or sometimes, even make the gift themselves.”
Hmmm. Interesting. Go on…
“But today, people are cunts. Selfish, thoughtless, uncaring cunts. They don’t really give a shit about anyone but themselves, and certainly can’t be arsed to put any thought whatsoever into gifts, even for their closest relatives.”
Sounds about right. Tell us more…
“So we have produced our new range of ‘Dear cunt, love from your cuntiest friend’ range, specially designed for the new breed of cheap, trashy human that shops at Wilko. Now, stingy, inconsiderate wankers who visit our stores can grab one of our crap gifts – without a moment’s thought – and give it to their wife, boyfriend, mum, or uncle, knowing full well it will either be regifted, or immediately thrown in the bin.
Better still, because of our ‘six-for-three’ promotional offer, and the lack of thought that is required to choose the gifts, shoppers can buy our low-quality shit in bulk so as to be prepared for whatever friend or relative’s birthday happens to come around next. It’s very simple and is proving very popular with our low-grade clientele.”
Hang on! Isn’t this what B&M has been doing for years?
In a surprise gesture, designed to forge greater ties between France and Britain, the 2023 Tour De France will detour through the major towns and cities of Suffolk.
In a surprise announcement, French President, François Mitterrand declared that an additional stage will be added to the Tour De France which begins in Bilbao on July 1st. Stage 7b will be squeezed between stage 7 (Bordeaux) and stage 8 (Limoges) over a 180 km course beginning in Sudbury on July 7th and traversing between Bury St Edmunds, Ipswich, and Halesworth before terminating in Thetford at approximately 04.00 on the 8th.
French yellow-bellies
Tour De France – the most famous men’s multi-stage bicycle race in the world – was first held in 1903, and has been staged every year since, pausing only during the two world wars. The race has 21 stages and ends on the Champs-Élysées in Paris, where the winner is awarded the famous victor’s yellow jersey. Famous winners include legendary French cyclist, Jacques Anquetil, the first racer to win the Tour de France five times, completing the feat in 1964, and, Chris Froome, the Kenyan/British cyclist who won the tour four times between 2013-17.
Dirty mudguard
British racing enthusiasts are thrilled at the news of the Tour De France returning to the UK, having been included in stages in 1974, and 2014, but also surprised and perplexed at the decision.
Roger Frankincense, chair of the Cycling Club of Saxmundham told this reporter “It’s bloody marvelous! Can’t believe it! We’re all so excited. I missed the 2014 Leeds to London stages because I had the terrible squits that week. I was absolutely gutted but I couldn’t leave the house for shitting myself. But now it’s coming back, I’m over the moon. I’ve bought some TENA incontinence pants just in case.”
Hairy handlebar
Fellow club member, Brian Frostrup, who once took part in the Tour De France (On the Playstation 2) and who has a large handlebar moustache, was more suspicious of France’s motives for the apparent goodwill gesture. “Yes. It’s nice that it’s coming, but have you seen the condition they’ve imposed? To qualify to race, all British riders have to wear a bunch of bananas on their heads instead of standard headgear. Personally, I think they’re just taking the mickey out of us. I’ll still go and watch it though. Achoo!”
Sexy Exeter’s sidewalk ’Sin Bins’ cum between locals
First, it was Cumbria, then Wiltshire. Now, sexy Exeter’s sidewalk ’Sin Bins’ are cumming between locals
Regular readers of the SUFFOLK GAZETTE will recall how Cumbria County Council ‘rubbed cum in our faces’ as it renamed its local places of interest with FILTHY, SEX-related names. Then, it was Wiltshire Council, South West England, which renamed a local beauty spot ‘Wilsford cum Lake’ in a bid to attract DISGUSTING tourists.
Now, it’s brazen-faced Exeter County Council’s turn to join the local government bandwagon of FILTH! The FOUL civil servants of the Devonish City have harked back to the city’s DIRTY Roman-era roots by introducing sidewalk cum bins for locals to ejaculate into! DISGUSTING!
Haws Exeter criticizes whores
Also used by local sex workers to dispose of used prophylactics (W.C. ‘condoms’), the ‘Sin Bins’ as they have been dubbed by locals have caused uproar in the local community – especially among more conservative senior citizens. Local resident, Marjorie Haws, chair of the Exeter chapter of the campaign group Residents AGainst Everything (RAGE) told this reporter “Itth compwetewy unactheptable” (Marjorie has a terrible lisp) “The good people of Extheter, abthowutewy, do not wish to have other peopleth CUM thpwattered all over our th-tweets, and thertainly not thpwattered in our fath-es!”
Charity shop drop
But not everyone is in agreement with Haws. I caught up with local nutter, ‘Mad Brian’ after I chased him down the High Street, stomping along in his full-length denim coat and Dr. Martens boots. I asked him what he thought of the new sex disposal facilities. “What? Sex? Yessssssss! I seen them bins. Yesssssss! I will be using them for sure. I like a good armoured tank. Yessssssss! Sometimes I do it in the changing room at Oxfam. I peep over the top of the curtain looking at the ladies underwear and then I have a quick fiddle. Yessssssss! I can see me wanking into them bins. Definitely! Yesssssssssss!”
So there we have it. The people of Exeter split down the middle on the issue of the new sidewalk ‘Sin Bins’.
Next Week! Read about Exeter City Council’s new ‘In Exeter, we bin our GUM’ campaign to rid its streets of unsightly chewing gum.
Sunak’s plan to divide and conquer the working class
Sunak’s plan to introduce a new law to force strike-prone industries, such as the railways, the NHS, and the postal service, to supply minimum levels of service during strikes, or be forced to sack workers, is a classic divide-and-conquer tactic.
“Divide et impera” said Philip II, King of ancient Macedon, referring to his successful military strategy. It means ‘divide and conquer’ – i.e. to make a group of people disagree and fight with one another so that they will not unite and fight back as one. The same strategy was later utilised by, amongst others, Roman ruler Julius Caesar, and French emperor, Napoleon. Now, over 2,300 years later, our glorious leader, ‘dishy’ Rishi Sunak is trying the same trick.
Sunak’s plan
The idea is to turn working-class people hampered by the inconveniences of strikes against those carrying them out, thus deflecting criticism and blame for low pay and poor conditions away from the government.
Making a mocha-ry of workers’ rights
Right-wing press complicity in this strategy can already be seen taking hold. Take, for example, the alleged plight of a poor coffee shop owner, whose story was reported in the mainstream press last week. Let’s call him ‘Coffee-shop Bob’.
Coffee-shop Bob explained how his shop, which was established shortly before the Covid-19 pandemic of early 2020, and which location is a mystery – presumably it’s on a train station platform somewhere in the UK – let’s call it ‘Trumpton station’, is in jeopardy – because of the train strikes.
Trumpton Coffee Shop has been closed for four weeks now, says Bob. He complains that (paraphrasing) “Its had a massive effect on the business which is now at risk. I’m working class so I don’t have ‘loadsamoney’ lying around, and so far, the strikes have cost us over forty grand… mate.” He goes on (clearly exaggerating his plight, his working-class credentials, and his circle of friends) “We know all the other businesses around here, and they all say that if the strikes continue, they’ll have to close too.” As if. He doesn’t say precisely which businesses he has been talking to but it clearly isn’t the local funeral director, Tesco local, Kwik Fit, or the many other businesses around Trumpton which will no doubt survive the impact of a few train strikes.
Here’s the best bit of Sunak’s plan
When asked how he felt about striking workers, he replied (paraphrasing) “We support their right to strike.” Really? I feel a ‘but’ coming on… “But we (who is this ‘we’?) just want those who ballot to think about us.” Lol. Think about us? And who is this ‘us’ that coffee shop Bob wants strikers to think about before voting to strike?
“the small businesses that are suffering a financial loss”
Lol.
So summing up – coffee shop Bob’s position is that before low-paid, harshly-treated workers vote to strike, they should consider and put his and his imaginary mates’ financial situations first. Even, before their own. Because in his opinion, it’s ok for them to go on strike, as long as it doesn’t affect him. FFS. With working-class people this thick, no wonder Sunak thinks he can get away with it.
Arse splinters
Leader of the opposition, Sir Keir ‘but‘ Starmer, who was sitting rather uncomfortably atop a nearby fence when we spoke to him said, ”We’ll look at what they bring forward, but if it’s further restrictions, then we will repeal it.”
For many people, a trip to an amusement arcade is a rare event, however, in and around Suffolk there are plenty of such venues offering all manner of unique games.
Seaside arcades get busy in summer of course, much more so when the weather takes a turn for the worse whilst town centre “adult gaming centres” as they are known have a steady stream of local slot machine players filtering through their doors, each of whom live in the hope of bagging a jackpot on that visit.
There are of course pitfalls regarding gambling in such venues, for all slot machines are designed with their own payout percentage. Playing a slot or fruit machine with a low payout percentage will often result in your gambling budget being eaten away.
There are, however, a growing number of what I will call “savvy slot players” who have discovered the benefits of switching their land based arcade gambling action online.
You will probably not need me to tell you there are literally thousands of different online slot sites and casinos available to anyone over the age of 18. But you may not be aware of what those sites offer their customers, which allow them to lock in extra slot playing value.
The maximum amount of cash you can win when playing a slot machine in any arcade is capped, and it will all be dependent on just which type of venue you are playing in as to how much you stand to win.
Adult gaming centres, for example, offer slots that have jackpots as high as £500 on offer, whilst seaside amusement arcades may offer fruit machines with jackpots as low as £5.
That is something no one could ever do when playing in an amusement arcade.
Those types of slot machines have an ever-rising uncapped jackpot, which all players are feeding with a small percentage of the stakes they are playing for being added to the jackpot on each spin they play off.
What makes playing online much more appealing too for experienced slot players, is that the payout percentages on most online slots are way higher than those on offer on land based slot and fruit machines.
Not only that bonuses are showered upon online players, including but not limited to deposit match bonuses which can often see players doubling, tripling or even quadrupling the value of the deposits they make into such sites.
You will also never be left in the dark regarding the payout percentages of the slots you choose to play online. For the UK Gambling Commission make sure all of their fully licensed and regulated online casinos list the payout percentages each slot has been designed to return to players is displayed on the casino websites.
To ensure anyone either online or via a mobile device sticks to their budget and never gets carried away when playing slot machines, responsible gambling tools are also available to all such players.
They include players being able to set their own personal maximum deposit amount, and they can even instantly block themselves from accessing their accounts for any length of time, if they want to take a break from playing slots or playing the casino styled games on offer.
Playing for tiny stakes is something you will also easily be able to do online too, for the majority of online slots offer players stake adjustable slot games, so players can choose the stakes they wish to play for themselves, which for reference can be as low as just 1p per spin.
There is a comprehensive list of sites at bestsistersites.co.uk and each listed casino is of course fully licensed and offering new customers all manner of promotional offers. Some of their listed casinos even offer free slot spins to players, and any winning payouts achieved as they play off those no-risk spins are theirs to keep.
If you are ever tempted to gamble online, please make sure you stick to playing only at licensed and approved casino sites, and do always set yourself a deposit limit. By doing so you will always then be able to stick to your limits and will never run the risk of re-depositing, and possibly losing more than you can afford to lose.
Plus, with plenty of other games on offer, and not just slot and fruit machines, if you are a fan of playing Blackjack, Baccarat or even Roulette, or for that matter any other type of casino card or table game, you will find plenty of different games to get stuck into playing.
You can even play online completely free of charge, and by doing so you can get to grips with the finer points of playing any casino games or slot machines that you have never seen or played before in a no-risk playing environment.
Elgin Marbles set to return to Greece under new deal
The Elgin marbles – a smallish bag of Greek glass marbles – made and played with by sculptor Phidias and his assistants around 447–438 BCE – are set to be returned to Greece after 200 years in the British Museum.
The Elgin Marbles, also known as the Parthenon Marbles, are kept in a little hessian bag with a drawstring. The bag contains all the usual marbles, biggies, chinas, cats’ eyes, comets, and clearies. and would be considered an impressive haul when confiscated by a teacher from any marble-playing schoolboy – English or Greek.
Elgin Marbles
Gimme Marble back
Following discussions between former poshboy Tory Chancellor, Georgios Osborne (representing Great Britain), and Greek prime minister, Kyriakos Mitostakis (representing the ancient Greeks), an agreement has been thrashed out to ‘loan’ the bag of Elgin marbles back to Greece in exchange for a handful of conkers, allegedly stolen by Pytheas of Massalia, a Greek geographer and explorer, whilst on holiday in Britain in 325 BC.
The controversial bag of Elgin marbles was stolen from the Parthenon in Athens in 1801 by a Scottish – repeat Scottish – politician, Thomas Bruce, 7th Earl of Elgin – hence the marbles’ nickname. Bruce sold the marbles to the British government in 1816 and their ownership was later transferred to the British Museum, which has coveted them ever since, and whose staff occasionally get them out to play with during tea breaks, etc.
Parthenon Marbles
Tit for Tatton
Osborne, a former Member of Parliament for Tatton, Cheshire who once claimed £100,000 from the public purse as ‘mortgage interest expenses’, said of the deal “They can have the marbles, but there’s no way they’re taking the manhole cover that we’ve been playing them on. That’s staying. And we want the conkers back first.”
Whether you are new to gambling and looking for your first game to try or a seasoned veteran, knowing which games will most likely pay out is valuable knowledge.
After all, casino games are not all created equally, with some offering fantastic odds and frequent payouts (big or small). Others, however, could have you playing for a while before they give you anything in return for your efforts.
Thankfully, most casino games have been around for years, so it is easy to see which ones are relatively easy to win and which require more skill or luck. With that in mind, we’ve listed the casino games that pay out most often, all the way down to the ones you may need to put extra effort into.
Blackjack
Blackjack may sometimes seem like a game played by the elite. However, it is actually one of the most popular casino games available and holds the title of game most likely to pay out.
The simple game requires that you get your hand of cards as close to the number 21 as possible. To do this, you’ll be dealt two starting cards. Based on their combined value, you’ll need to instruct the dealer to either stand (not give you more cards) or hit you (deal you another card). Don’t go over 21, though, or you’ll go bust.
Statistically, the 49% odds of you claiming victory over the dealer are outstanding by casino standards. More than this, the house edge (or the amount of money taken in by the game that the casino can take as profit) is usually only around 1%.
The downside, if you can call it that, is that blackjack jackpots aren’t known for being excessive. The most significant historic win was a “mere” $4.5 million (around £3.73 million).
Roulette
Roulette, aside from poker, is one of the most commonly seen games in movies and television scenes. Because of this and the great fun the game offers, it is played by millions of people wanting to win big.
Before the ball spins around the table, you will need to guess where it will land and place your bet accordingly. While many different bet types are available when playing roulette, some are more standard than others.
The most basic of these include things like colour bets (black or red), group bets (even or odd), and number group bets (1-18 or 19-36). Playing with any of these betting options, which make your odds of winning a straight 50%, makes roulette one of the best-paying games around.
After all, if you have the option between two outcomes, you face a 50/50 result. However, playing with any of the other bet options will lower your chances of winning. The type of roulette you play could also slightly affect your odds.
Like blackjack, roulette isn’t known for its excessive jackpots, with the largest in history being “just” $3.5 million (or about £2.9 million).
Craps
While craps may initially look complicated to follow, the game is deceptively simple. It consists of a shooter, the person rolling the dice, and the players making bets based on what the shooter will roll.
The shooter aims to roll either a 7 or 11 on their first roll because achieving this leads to an immediate win. Failing this and rolling another number means they will need to roll that same number again and then a 7 to win.
While multiple bets can be placed each round, there is one that offers the best chance of winning. This bet, called the pass line, is a simple wager on whether the shooter will win or lose on the next roll.
Playing with this type of bet gives winning odds of 50%, just as roulette does, because the options are a straight 50/50 (win or lose). The largest jackpot ever recorded on the game is $5.3 million (approximately £4.39 million).
Baccarat
Another popular table game that is simple to play and can be found in almost any physical or online casino is baccarat. The game pits players against the banker to see who will draw the cards closest to the number 9. You can place three types of bets: banker, player, or tie.
The bets are pretty self-explanatory by their names. Betting on the banker means that you think the banker will win, choosing the player means that the player will get closest to 9, and a tie means that you feel no one will be declared the victor.
If you play without considering the tie option, the game offers straight odds of 50%, as there are only two options: win or lose. Even if you factor in the selection of a tie bet, the game still offers excellent odds of around 44% to 46%.
Unlike some of the games above, the jackpots offered by baccarat can be a bit on the bigger side. The largest jackpot in the game’s history is reportedly $12.9 million (equating to about £10.69 million).
Slots (Honourable Mention)
Slots are easily the most popular casino game worldwide. However, they fall far short of the games mentioned above when it comes to winning. Ranked by experts as the casino game with the worst overall jackpot odds, slots typically offer odds ranging from 1 in 5,000 to 1 in 34,000,000.
However, we mention them here because slot games with high RTP (return to player) rates, especially those with 95% or higher, are known for paying out smaller prizes often.
Moreover, slots hold the title for some of the biggest jackpots in gambling history. The biggest ever was a $39.7 million (£32.9 million) win that a lucky player achieved in 2003 after spending just $100 (£83).
Business superhero, Elon Musk’s superpowers seem to be on the Bruce wane. The crazy inventor and entrepreneur, who recently took over the social media site Twitter, spunked half his $338billion fortune over the last 13 months and is now left with a paltry $138billion. Aaaw, diddums.
Musk can take some solace, however, in the fact that 2022 was a shit year for everybody.
Fried like a chicken
Cryptocurrency golden boy, Sam Bankman-Fried, cofounder and CEO of FTX – the world’s second-largest and fastest-growing crypto exchange before its 2022 downfall – lost a $16 billion fortune overnight. Mwahahahaha. The 30-year-old’s financial wipeout was caused chiefly by the choppy waters of the wobbly financial markets and had nothing to do with his scruffy, straggly-haired, unkempt appearance which made him look like a crap businessman from the outset.
Elon Musk’s Superpowers
Other love-to-hate billionaires that pissed large slices of their fortunes up the wall in 2022 were, Facebook geek, Mark Zuckerberg who lost about $90 billion, and Amazon tribal chief, Jeff Bezos who misplaced about $58 billion. Twats.
Let’s face it. We love it when other people fuck up. The Germans even have their own word for it – schadenfreude – meaning pleasure derived from someone else’s misfortune.
Luck of the Irish
So just to cheer you up even more, here is another brilliant financial balls-ups from history.
In 2008, with a $6 billion fortune forged out of his construction, insurance, and real estate businesses, Sean Quinn was Ireland’s richest man. But the Irish real estate market crash and the Great Recession of that year destroyed his businesses and he lost… everything. Ha ha ha! Worse, he found himself in $3 billion of debt. Snigger. On 11 November 2011, he applied for voluntary bankruptcy in Belfast and in 2012 spent nine weeks in jail for asset-stripping his companies, with the judge noting that Quinn had “only himself to blame” for his downfall.
