Yes, it’s back! After an absence of 3 or 4 years due to that horrible Chinese Bat/Pangolin disease Covid 19, the celebrated tradition of ‘wanking’ returns to East Anglia with the poorly-attended Nacton Wanking Festival in the first, second, or third week in September. Or October. 2022.
History of wanking
It is a little-known fact that wanking in Suffolk can be traced back to the year 417 A.D. when Britain was still under the control of the Italians and Christianity was just a twinkle in God’s eye.
The earliest wankers were peasants who would meet in secret to perform ‘circle jerks’ (early Judo-Christo-Pagan quasi-religious almost circular rituals) whereby groups of devout wankers would form in a sloppy, imperfect circle and wank in unison, usually over a document called the ‘Wanka Carta’ which was an early version of the Domesday Book.
The original Wanka Carta is on display at the British Museum in London (capital of England) although some of the pages are stuck together due to its age and over-exposure to high levels of moisture.
What is wanking?
‘Wanking’, or more accurately ‘Wan-king’ to give it its correct etymological breakdown, is the physical embodiment of a serf’s loathing for… wait for it… HIS KING AND HIMSELF! Yes! That works! ‘Wanning’ is the present participle of the verb ‘wan’ which means to be unnaturally pale, especially from sickness or grief, etc.
The tradition of ‘wanning’ (today’s ‘wanking’) derived from the enforced servile and obedient attitudes of the pre-medieval Britons towards their feudal masters and betters, which caused them to feel the ‘sickness’ of depression and shame.
Put simply, the pathetic, Baldric-esque underclass of East Anglian villeins (which still thrives today) despised their brutal and uncaring leaders to such a degree that they ‘wanked’ (often furiously) as a means to release the animosity and hatred that regularly (sometimes 3 or 4 times a day) built up inside them.
This is where the term ‘stress wank’ comes from. It’s all beginning to make sense now.
How is it done?
All that one needs to successfully ‘wan’ is a short pole (apparently size doesn’t matter) made of wood, imported bamboo, or moulded flax. Attached to the hilt of the pole should be a brace of locally produced fruit or vegetables to represent the wanker’s toil.
Traditionally, plums, nuts or goolies were used although, in modern times, two tennis balls suspended in a pair of your mum’s old tights should work just as well. When your pole is assembled, the ceremony is completed by ‘bashing the Bishop.’ This rather quaint old phrase again refers to the wanker’s animus towards those members of the establishment, Bishops among them, whose sole aim it was believed, was to spoil their fun.
Bashing the Bishop may be spread out across the morning or most of the day if you are feeling a little lethargic or self-pitying or alternatively you can ‘knock one out’ at high speed if you are wanking in the workplace or while the missus is at the shops.
Wanking has come a long way since the time of Herod IV of course, and today, wanking is, thankfully, very much out in the open.
Britain can be proud of its reputation as a ‘wankers’ paradise’ where men, people who bleed when operated on, teenagers (especially), Prince Charles, Jeremy Paxman, most politicians, transexuals, road sweepers, and a multitude of animals such as cats, dogs, squirrels, male deer, rhinoceroses, boars, male monkeys, and otters wank with impunity.
Come on us
The Gazette is offering readers four free tickets to the Nacton Wanking Festival. Just drop us a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. First come, first served.