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Giant Turnip Of The East sculpture approved

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Giant Turnip Of The East sculpture approved

EXCLUSIVE, By Ivor Traktor, Farming Correspondent (intern)

A 100-metre-tall sculpture of a giant turnip is to be built alongside the A14 as a dramatic welcome to Suffolk visitors.

Following the success of the Angel Of The North, built in Gateshead in 1998, Suffolk tourist bosses wanted to create a similar contemporary sculpture that would be the envy of the rest of the country.

A competition was held throughout Suffolk to come up with ideas, and entries were narrowed down to the Turnip Of The East and a similar idea for a giant pea, backed by the We Need A Pea campaign.

A special reader vote in the Suffolk Gazette saw the Turnip Of The East being the runaway winner.

Work is due to begin next year, and famous turnip-loving artist Cedric Baldrick is expected to build it.

The exact site for the Turnip Of The East is still being discussed, but one favoured spot is beside the A14 near Newmarket, where the giant vegetable will be a stunning figure towering over the famous horseracing course.

a-turnipTurnip for the books: sculpture will be a world-class attraction
A tourism department insider said: “The Turnip Of The East will be a remarkable gateway to Suffolk. Motorists heading east along the A14 will be in awe of the giant sculpture as they arrive in the county past Newmarket.

“And it will be the last thing people see when they leave Suffolk, providing an everlasting, treasured memory of the county.”

A spokesman for Suffolk County Council said: “We are confident the Turnip Of The East will be even more popular than the Angel Of The North, and it will promote Suffolk as a rural delight to be savoured.

“The giant turnip will celebrate Suffolk’s agricultural heritage, and there is no doubt it will be the talk of the whole country.”

Plans for the turnip show it will be made of weather-resistant fibreglass, and will have an internal lift system, so visitors will be able to soar 100 metres into the air and stand on a viewing platform on top of the turnip.

The project is expected to cost £22 million, and will be paid for by an increase in grateful Suffolk residents’ council tax.

However, mobile phone manufacturers will be expected to contribute to the cost by paying to put their masts on top, disguised as green turnip leaves.

Norfolk six-fingered gloves make £100million profit

The Editor
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Norfolk six-fingered gloves make £100million profit

A Norfolk business which specialises in making six-fingered gloves has posted an astonishing £100 million profit.

Chairman of Keep It In The Family Ltd, Mr Ken Ary, said the firm had gone from strength to strength in recent years thanks to astonishing local demand.

“Everyone in Norwich and throughout the county of Norfolk needs six-fingered gloves, and we spotted the gap in the market. Demand has been so good that we are proud to post £100 million profit figures today.”

norfolk-glove-six-finger

The Norfolk six-fingered glove
But it was not all good news for the Keep It In The Family business. Mr Ary said its range of flip-flops footwear had to be withdrawn since locals with webbed feet could not wear them.

“It was a set-back, but thankfully the six-fingered glove sales have more than made up for it.”

To celebrate the bumper profits, Keep It In The Family is handing out thousands of pairs of the six-fingered gloves to Norwich City fans outside Carrow Road before this Sunday’s crucial derby with East Anglian rivals Ipswich Town.

Alex Neil
Alex Neil

The firm has even signed a deal with Norwich City manager Alex Neil to wear their gloves on the touchline.

A club insider said: “We are very pleased to have partnered with Keep It In The Family, and are grateful for the work they do for local Norwich fans.”

Meanwhile, Mr Ary said the firm was expanding its specialist clothing range.

“Should Norwich somehow manage to gain promotion back to the Premier League this year, then we have prepared by making some very big hats and oversized boots.

“Already the local supporters are showing signs of being too big for their boots – and their heads are getting bigger by the day.”

Queen sends 100th birthday telegram to a train

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Queen sends 100th birthday telegram to a train

By Casey Jones, Railway Correspondent

The Queen has sent Greater Anglia railways a telegram to celebrate its InterCity fleet reaching a remarkable 100 years old.

The locos are the oldest in the industry, taking frustrated passengers from Norfolk, Suffolk and Essex into London everyday in sheer discomfort and filth.

But Her Majesty was clearly impressed by the landmark birthday, and sent the trains a telegram – just as she does to any loyal subject who makes it to the grand old age of 100.

The Queen inspects a Greater Anglia carriage
Greater Anglia were delighted with the 100-year-old milestone for its trains.

An insider said: “People may mock us for having the oldest and most decrepit train fleet in the history of the world, but the old girls are still going, despite some unfortunate mishaps along the way.

“Her Majesty The Queen was very kind to send out a telegram. It means a lot, and hopefully the trains will keep going for many years to come.”

Royal train

A Buckingham Palace spokesman told Suffolk Gazette: “The telegrams are normally sent to people who have made it to 100 years old. But Her Majesty was so impressed that Greater Anglia still have trains going at that age, that she felt she had to send a telegram to them as well.

“Greater Anglia’s InterCity fleet first came into use during the reign of Queen Victoria, and has not been changed since. How they are still going is anyone’s guess.”

He confirmed Greater Anglia was the only UK train company to receive the telegram honour.

“Everyone else uses modern trains,” he said.

Ed Sheeran fans invade Suffolk carrot field

The Editor
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Ed Sheeran fans invade Suffolk carrot field

By Ivor Traktor, Farming Correspondent (intern)

Thousands of screaming Ed Sheeran fans ruined a crop of carrots after mistakenly spotting their idol in Suffolk.

Singer-songwriter Ed, who comes from Framlingham, is often seen in the town when he returns home to visit his parents. He even brought his pal Taylor Swift back to Suffolk last year.

Fans come from far and wide to try and glimpse their hero, but the latest “sighting” went drastically wrong.

A scarecrow with ginger hair confused a fan cycling along a nearby road, who mistook the scruffy bird scarer with the unruly mop of hair as Sheeran himself.

She Tweeted that the Thinking Out Loud superstar was standing in the middle of a field just outside Framlingham, causing an invasion of teenagers in the coming hours, who all ran across the field, ruining its crop of carrots.

Ed SheeranEd Sheeran or Suffolk scarecrow? (Photo: Drew de F Fawkes CC BY 2.0)

The furious farmer immediately called police, who set up a road block around the field to prevent further damage to to his crops and livestock.

A friend of Sheeran’s told the Suffolk Gazette: “Ed often returns to Framlingham and thinks nothing of enjoying a drink in the local pub or popping down to the shops.

“However, he would never just go and stand in the middle of a field, so fans might want to think again before rushing up to any more scarecrows.”

A spokesman for the National Farmers’ Union added: “Ed Sheeran might look like a scarecrow, but he’s got so much money now that he does not need to stand in the middle of a field scaring birds for a living.”

Police Apache helicopter blows up vicarage

The Editor
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Police Apache helicopter blows up vicarage

By Rob Banks, Crime Editor

Suffolk Police have been forced to ditch their new Apache gunship helicopter after it accidentally blew up a 19th-century vicarage.

Far from deterring criminals with its fearsome firepower, the deadly attack chopper has suffered a series of setbacks after police helicopter pilots became baffled by its sophisticated systems.

The final straw came when a pilot attempted to turn on a camera to track a suspected bicycle thief – but instead activated the helicopter’s deadly Target Acquisition and Designation System.

As a result, the gunship’s automatic systems took over and it fired off a lethal sidewinder missile that smashed into a vicarage in Needham Market.

‘Afternoon tea’

Vicar Evan Elpuss explained: “I was taking afternoon tea in the garden with some ladies from the Women’s Institute. Suddenly we heard the roar of an engine on the horizon and watched in awe as this huge military-style helicopter rose above the treeline in the distance.

“It looked like it was following a bloke on a bicycle, but then we watched in horror as there was a puff of smoke and a missile was launched.

“It came straight over the primary school and towards us and was seemingly homing in on the heat generated by the solar panels on the vicarage roof.

“It smacked straight into it and destroyed the whole place. Luckily none of us was hurt, although Gladys Worthington-Smythe was hit on the toe by a falling flower pot.”

The Apache was grounded immediately and an investigation launched by the Suffolk Police Chief Constable.

Police crews only took delivery of the Apache helicopter two weeks ago, as revealed exclusively in the Suffolk Gazette.

A police spokesman said: “We’ve sent it back to the Ministry of Defence. The crew were trying to get to grips with the hi-tech kit on the Apache, but in doing so they got confused and fired off a missile.

“Sadly, this then went on to destroy a pleasant Victorian vicarage, and for that, we can only apologise.”

The £13 million police Apache helicopter is now being mothballed. In its place, Suffolk Crime Commissioner Tim Passless has ordered a fleet of 17 Chieftain Battle Tanks.

“This will help us to bring crime levels down, although even they may not be up to the task of patrolling the badlands of Haverhill.”

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Dad’s Army chaos looms over fire strike

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Dad’s Army chaos looms over fire strike

By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

Plans to bring in Dad’s Army to man Ipswich fire station during next week’s firefighter strike have been ridiculed – after the Suffolk Gazette exposed their chaotic training session.

Our undercover Defence Editor, Doug Trench, watched as the members of Walmington-on-Sea’s Home Guard underwent an exercise at Suffolk’s Fire and Rescue HQ in Ipswich. We make no apologies for printing the whole sorry episode below…

CAPT. MAINWARING: Get the men to fall in, Wilson.

SGT. WILSON: Certainly, sir. I say, everyone. Would you mind awfully stepping into line in front of the fire engine? Thank you so much.

The platoon shuffle nervously in front of the gleaming red engine.

CAPT. MAINWARING: Do hurry up, Wilson. We haven’t got all day.

SGT. WILSON: I do apologise, sir. Really I do. It’s just that the fire engine looks dreadfully difficult to operate.

CAPT. MAINWARING: Nonsense. Even Godfrey’s sister Dolly could drive it.

The men fall into line in front of Suffolk Fire Service’s prized engine.

CAPT. MAINWARING: Now listen up, men. The people of Suffolk need our help, and it’s our responsibility to give it to them. Next Wednesday, the local firefighters are going on strike about their pension entitlements.

CORP. JONES: Don’t panic! Don’t panic!

CAPT. MAINWARING: Oh, do be quiet, Jones.

CORP. JONES: I’m sorry, Captain Mainwaring. But fires are very dangerous things, you know. Those thatched Suffolk cottages just don’t like it up ’em.

CAPT. MAINWARING: Yes, all right, Jones. But we’re a highly-trained fighting force. We’re more than a match for the Germans, so we’ll be professional about this as well.

SGT. WILSON: Excuse me, sir.

CAPT. MAINWARING: What is it now, Wilson?

SGT. WILSON: Well it’s only that I was wondering who will be driving the fire engine for us?

CAPT. MAINWARING: Good question, Wilson, but one I was about to address, if only you’d give me a moment. Private Pike..

PTE. PIKE: Oh, thank you Mr Mainwaring. I’ve always wanted to…

CAPT. MAINWARING: It won’t be you. You can’t even drive yet. Stupid boy!

PTE. PIKE: But Uncle Arthur said I could have a go. My mum will be very cross…

CAPT. MAINWARING: Be quiet, Pike. I believe Private Walker is the right man for the job. Private Walker?

Private Walker is not on parade, but suddenly steps out from the firefighters’ changing rooms.

PTE. WALKER: ‘Ere, anyone want to buy a watch?

CAPT. MAINWARING: What? Get a grip, Walker. These are desperate times. We need to be drilled in answering emergency calls. This is no time for your questionable enterprise.

SGT. WILSON: Actually, Mr Walker, that silver one looks rather appealing. I wonder how much you….

CAPT. MAINWARING: Wilson! Remember where you are. Do I have to do everything myself? Walker, put the watches back in the firefighters’ lockers, and get into the fire engine driving seat.

Private Walker climbs aboard the fire engine, but struggles to start it.

PTE. GODFREY: Excuse me, Captain Mainwaring…

CAPT. MAINWARING: Yes, what is it, Godfrey?

PTE. GODFREY: Well it’s just that my sister Dolly made some exceptional upside-down cakes and I thought it would be a jolly nice idea if we offered some to the nice firemen?

CAPT. MAINWARING: Don’t be ridiculous, man. It’s their fault we’re here in the first place. Leave those cakes in my car and I’ll deal with them later. Now, Walker, give the engine another go.

Private Walker manages to start the fire engine… and it immediately lurches foward and smashes into Captain Mainwaring’s car. The platoon falls about laughing.

CAPT. MAINWARING: Silence! Walker you fool. Look what you’ve done.

Just then the emergency siren goes off in the fire station. It’s a 999 call about a house fire in Ipswich.

PTE. FRAZER: We’re all doomed. Aye, we’ve crashed the fire engine and Ipswich on fire. We’re doomed, I tell ya.

CAPT. MAINWARING: Nonsense, Frazer. They’ll just have to get the real army in to help.

CORP. JONES: Don’t panic!

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End credits.

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Quality row over Suffolk village houses

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Quality row over Suffolk village houses

lavenham-medieval-houses
By Ruth Tyler, Construction Correspondent

The quality of building work in a picturesque Suffolk village has been called into question after many houses were seen to be suffering from crazy subsidence-style defects.

Properties in Lavenham seem to have moved over the years, with window frames, beams and even roofs appearing to deviate from what should be perfectly straight lines.

Amazingly, people in the quaint town do not seem concerned that their houses are about to fall down.

Last night UKIP claimed the influx of builders from Eastern Europe was clearly to blame.

A party insider said: “It does not take an expert to see these properties have not been built to the highest of British standards. We have many builders from Poland and elsewhere now working in Suffolk, and they are taking the jobs of British craftsmen.

“There is no way British builders would have allowed such a finish.”

But Lavenham Town Council leader Anthony Smythe-Farquar said UKIP were simply missing the point. “These houses were not built by Polish immigrant workers in the past 18 months,” he said.

“We are one of the UK’s finest and most visited medieval villages, and these houses are actually more than 500 years old. The fact they are still standing at all shows just how well they were built all those years ago. And anyway, Polish builders, and builders from anywhere else in Eastern Europe for that matter, are very good.”

A spokesman for UKIP added: “OK, then. So maybe the building are over 500 years old. However, the builders probably came from the Ottoman Empire.”

Concerned readers should know they can get serious Anglia construction news at the Construction Anglia website.

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Fifty Shades of Grey film premiers in Aldeburgh

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Fifty Shades of Grey film premiers in Aldeburgh

The genteel Suffolk seaside town of Aldeburgh has been chosen to host the eagerly-awaited worldwide premier of the Fifty Shades of Grey film.

Shocked bosses in London’s glittering Leicester Square cinemas were told the erotic film would shun tradition and instead be shown first in the Edwardian resort, which is better known for opera, beach sculptures and posh people.

Fifty Shades of Grey stars prepare for the Aldeburgh screening

A spokesman for distributors Whipping Boy Films revealed they made the decision thanks to the racey interests of Aldeburgh women.

“Our research found that there were more copies of the Fifty Shades of Grey book sold in Aldeburgh per 1,000 population than anywhere else in the UK. Behind those prim and proper rose gardens and lace curtains, there is clearly an interest in the erotic nature of the story by E L James.”

But local vicar Neil Cushion thinks the organisers may have made a terrible mistake. He said: “While of course it is exciting for a premier of this sort to be held in Aldeburgh, I believe there is another reason for those record numbers of Fifty Shades of Grey book sales in the town.

“The average age in Aldeburgh is 97 – and clearly the town’s women were misled by the title. They thought it was a book about hair care.

“Put it this way, in church on a Sunday all I see from the pulpit is a sea of grey hair, not a sweaty mix of women in handcuffs, chains, rope and odd personal piercings.”

Plans for the Valentine’s Day premier are pressing on regardless. A special dungeon has been built next to the 500-year-old Moot Hall, where filmgoers will be able to enjoy being tied up and whipped before being forced in a dominating manner out on to the beach where a temporary open-air movie theatre has been erected (no pun intended).

Meanwhile, the model boating lake has been made off-limits to holidaying children while it is turned into a huge hot tub for raunchy revellers.

Crowds building up for the Fifty Shades of Grey premier in Aldeburgh

Hotels in Aldeburgh, more usedto providing for weekend coach trips for the elderly, have been busy transforming their rooms for the occasion.

One hotel manager explained: “We have turned our suites from Edwardian luxury into dens for dominatrixes. Their pain is our pleasure.”

Suffolk Gazette tried to get a comment from Conservative Suffolk Coastal MP Therese Coffey – but she said she was “tied up”.

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