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Fifty Shades of Grey film premiers in Aldeburgh

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Fifty Shades of Grey film premiers in Aldeburgh

The genteel Suffolk seaside town of Aldeburgh has been chosen to host the eagerly-awaited worldwide premier of the Fifty Shades of Grey film.

Shocked bosses in London’s glittering Leicester Square cinemas were told the erotic film would shun tradition and instead be shown first in the Edwardian resort, which is better known for opera, beach sculptures and posh people.

Fifty Shades of Grey stars prepare for the Aldeburgh screening

A spokesman for distributors Whipping Boy Films revealed they made the decision thanks to the racey interests of Aldeburgh women.

“Our research found that there were more copies of the Fifty Shades of Grey book sold in Aldeburgh per 1,000 population than anywhere else in the UK. Behind those prim and proper rose gardens and lace curtains, there is clearly an interest in the erotic nature of the story by E L James.”

But local vicar Neil Cushion thinks the organisers may have made a terrible mistake. He said: “While of course it is exciting for a premier of this sort to be held in Aldeburgh, I believe there is another reason for those record numbers of Fifty Shades of Grey book sales in the town.

“The average age in Aldeburgh is 97 – and clearly the town’s women were misled by the title. They thought it was a book about hair care.

“Put it this way, in church on a Sunday all I see from the pulpit is a sea of grey hair, not a sweaty mix of women in handcuffs, chains, rope and odd personal piercings.”

Plans for the Valentine’s Day premier are pressing on regardless. A special dungeon has been built next to the 500-year-old Moot Hall, where filmgoers will be able to enjoy being tied up and whipped before being forced in a dominating manner out on to the beach where a temporary open-air movie theatre has been erected (no pun intended).

Meanwhile, the model boating lake has been made off-limits to holidaying children while it is turned into a huge hot tub for raunchy revellers.

Crowds building up for the Fifty Shades of Grey premier in Aldeburgh

Hotels in Aldeburgh, more usedto providing for weekend coach trips for the elderly, have been busy transforming their rooms for the occasion.

One hotel manager explained: “We have turned our suites from Edwardian luxury into dens for dominatrixes. Their pain is our pleasure.”

Suffolk Gazette tried to get a comment from Conservative Suffolk Coastal MP Therese Coffey – but she said she was “tied up”.

Future of rail travel arrives in Ipswich

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Future of rail travel arrives in Ipswich

By Casey Jones, Rail Correspondent

Frustrated Greater Anglia rail passengers were given a tantalising glimpse of the future when a hi-tech train visited Ipswich yesterday.

The advanced Mayflower steam train, packed with the latest gadgets, shows just how far technology has come since the current Greater Anglia rolling stock was introduced on the Norwich to London mainline hundreds of years ago.

But Norfolk, Suffolk and Essex commuters, who have to put up with regular train faults, discomfort, cancellations and delays, will have to wait until reliable and fast steam trains like the Mayflower are available for them to use.

That could be several years as Greater Anglia does not need to update its creaking fleet to steam trains within its current franchise timeframe. Instead, politicians have decided it’s been so long since the region’s trains were updated that a few more years won’t make a lot of difference.

Mayflower trainAll steam ahead: The hi-tech Mayflower (Photo: Phil Scott under CC BY-SA 3.0)
The Mayflower, on a test run from Norwich to Windsor, drew large and admiring crowds as it chuffed graciously through Ipswich station yesterday, with many noticing its cleanliness, timing and apparent comfort.

One train buff on Platform Two said: “What a beauty. Poor old Greater Anglia customers can only dream of traveling to London every day in something this modern, stylish, reliable and fast.

“It’s the future, though, and it will give them something to look forward to as they sit in a train that has stopped for five minutes outside Shenfield for no apparent reason.”

Ipswich fans boat trip faces Norwich sub plot

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Ipswich fans boat trip faces Norwich sub plot

More than 250 Ipswich football fans face peril on the River Thames after hiring a party boat for a two-hour cruise before this weekend’s Fulham match.

Intelligence staff intercepted secret Norfolk communications that expose a Norwich City plot involving a yellow submarine intent on scuppering the Super Blues’ boat.

The Canary sub is said to be heading down the River Yare from Norwich, through Great Yarmouth and out into the North Sea, before heading south and slipping unnoticed into the Thames Estuary on Saturday morning.

While the Ipswich fans prepare to board their boat MV Jewell (no kidding!) at Waterloo pier at 11am, the yellow submarine will be lurking somewhere below the murky Thames waters.

yeollow submarine

The Norwich yellow submarine is currently in the River Yare
But although Norwich fans will be eagerly anticipating the sinking of the Ipswich supporters’ party on the Thames, ITFC officials have now taken extraordinary measures to blow the submarine plan out of the water.

Marcus Evans has used some of his millions to commandeer HMS Belfast, moored as a museum piece near Tower Bridge since 1971.

A Royal Navy spokesman said: “We’ve allowed Ipswich Town FC to dust off the gun batteries, and have loaded up the decks with high-explosive depth charges to target the Norwich yellow submarine. With our help, the Ipswich fans will be able to enjoy their party boat to Fulham in peace.”

The pre-match boat party – brainchild of regulars on the popular Those Were The Days fans’ forum – will see 250 Town fans enjoying a bar and disco on a two-hour trip, before being dropped off at Putney Pier, close to the Fulham ground, where they will meet up with 4,000 other Ipswich fans.

TWTD forum spokesman Phil Bacon said: “The boat trip will be a marvelous experience for Ipswich fans, and it’s typical of our friends from up the A140 to try and spoil it with their submarine plan.

“We are grateful to the Royal Navy for allowing the club to recommission HMS Belfast to escort the party boat and destroy the Norfolk submariners.”

Norwich City refused to comment on the submarine plot, but one Ipswich fan quipped: “Norwich? It’s a dive, dive, dive!”

Greater Anglia builds high-speed rail link

The Editor
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Greater Anglia builds high-speed rail link

By Casey Jones, Rail Correspondent

Greater Anglia trains is to rival HS2 by building its own high-speed rail link in East Anglia, Suffolk Gazette can reveal.

The £3 million track will run from the company headquarters in Norwich, all the way to Barclays Bank in the city centre.

But no passengers will be allowed on board – instead it will be used to dispatch the piles of cash made daily at their expense.

The two-mile line will run a new armour-plated loco and carriages, each with armed guards on the roof to protect the previous day’s profit from furious commuters demanding their Delay Repay refunds.

Greater Anglia’s new high-speed train, dubbed The Profit Rocket
A railway industry source said: “HS2, the high speed rail project from London to the North has been getting all the headlines, but Greater Anglia has managed to keep this new line under wraps.

“The company makes so much profit that it wants to bank it as quickly as possible. So what better way than building a high-speed line to the bank? But I’m sure customers might prefer it if some of that profit was spent on replacing the 40-year-old trains they have to endure every day.”

A Greater Anglia spokesman would not confirm the news, but said passengers should be happy that the company has so far managed to refurbish one, yes ONE, of its 118-carriage mainline fleet with new seat covers and carpets.

One furious passenger said: “We are aghast at this new high-speed rail link to the bank. New trains, track and targeted high speed should be saved for the line into Liverpool Street.”

Delia Smith walked into a pub…

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Delia Smith, owner of Norwich City, walks into a bar…

Sizewell ACDC rocks Suffolk

The Editor
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Sizewell ACDC rocks Suffolk

A major rethink of nuclear power station operations on the Suffolk coast will see four reactors in place: Sizewell A,C,D,C ensuring high voltage electricity supply across the region.

News was greeted with dismay by protestors, who insist the measures are a touch too much, and will turn the A12 into a highway to hell.

But energy bosses insist the work will be done to the highest standard. “There won’t be dirty deeds done dirt cheap,” insisted Mr Bon Scott, spokesman for Australian energy provider EMI. “We’ll start using a load of TNT to clear the areas, then let’s get it up.”

Colonel Reginald Aspall, of Saxmundham, who is leader of the anti-nuclear lobby No Glow, said: “Hells bells. This is the last thing we need in Suffolk. I guess moneytalks.”

The new reactors will bring considerable income to Suffolk, which could put the economy back in black – although there are fears of an invasion of middle-aged, long-haired men in scruffy jeans and leather jackets, riding noisy motorbikes.

 

Mr Scott said although many people thought A,C,D,C should be retired and consigned to the history books, he was determined to keep on with the plan. “Let there be rock,” he said.

That only served to anger Colonel Aspall, 93, even more. He shouted: “If you want blood, you got it.”

Ipswich renames main shopping street as Pound Plaza

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Ipswich renames main shopping street as Pound Plaza

Ipswich is celebrating the popularity of its cheap-as-chips discount stores by renaming the main shopping thoroughfare as Pound Plaza.

Poundland, Poundworld, Poundshop, 99p shops and other discount retail outlets have taken over Ipswich town centre, proving just how far the it has come in its bid to be the worst shopping destination in East Anglia.

So many of the shops have sprung up that charity shops are giving up and moving elsewhere, while trendy pop-ups – popular in most other towns – never pop up.

Doreen Spraggins, head of Ipswich Town Centre Initiative explained: “We are very proud of the way we have totally ruined Ipswich. By charging more for 20 minutes parking than the price of most goods sold in any remaining shops, we have conclusively shown we have absolutely no idea of what we are doing.

“While places like Norwich, Colchester and Bury St Edmunds have attracted lovely big-name stores and many great independents, Ipswich now has an enviable amount of discount stores.

“Everyone loves a bargain, so we are delighted that the main shopping area will now be known as Pound Plaza, which has a splendid continental ring to it.”

But shoppers who spoke to the Suffolk Gazette are not so keen. Mavis McMuffin, 67, of Chantry said: “Towns like Ipswich should have grand stores like Harrods or Selfridges. No one wants all these cheap and cheerful bargain basement shops, although I do go there for all my toiletries.”

Quids in: Discount stores everywhere
Quids in: Discount stores everywhere

Shock as train arrives on time

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Shock as train arrives on time

By Casey Jones, Railways Correspondent

The East Anglian rail network was thrown into chaos today when a Greater Anglia train arrived on time.

The 7.49 InterCity service from Ipswich made it all the way through to London Liverpool Street with no delays whatsoever. Not even the dreaded freight trains, train faults, track and signal faults or “disruptive passengers” could slow it down.

Passengers watched the Greater Anglia Twitter feed in amazement as staff repeatedly claimed there were “no issues to report at present”.

As the train approached London, many of those on board made emotional calls to their friends and loved ones to inform them of the shock journey.

Train arrives on time

One commuter, Amy Squashed, 22, a freelance nuclear physicist from Haverhill, told the Suffolk Gazette: “It was highly charged in my carriage, people were screaming in excitement. To think this has not happened since 1994 – we were so lucky to be involved.”

A spokesman for Abellio Greater Anglia, which is trialing some Swiss trains, said: “We work hard to make sure all our trains are late or broken down. We take news of any on-time train seriously and will undertake a full investigation.”

Ipswich MP Ben Gummer, who has campaigned for improved rail services to the capital, welcomed the news, adding: “When the carriages are repainted, and the seats have new covers, then we can REALLY celebrate.”

This is the age of the train: 94
This is the age of the train: 94
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