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Norfolk couple camp for week to catch glimpse of Royal wedding

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Norfolk couple camp for week to catch glimpse of Royal wedding

Norfolk couple

By Jane Seymour, Royal Editor

A Norfolk couple have camped out in their country lane for a week in the hope of catching a glimpse of the Royal wedding.

Bubba and Darlene Spuckler, from Downham Market, say they are excited to see Prince Harry and Meghan Markle.

“We’ve been sitting in the lane since Sunday to make sure we get a good spot to see the happy couple,” Bubba, 43, said.

It is not clear why the Spucklers think the newly-weds will travel along the Norfolk country lane, which is a dead-end.

And no one has had the heart to tell them the wedding is hundreds of miles away in Windsor.

The Spucklers have seemingly not learnt their lesson from Prince William’s wedding in 2011, when they camped out in the isolated lane for two weeks.

“William and Kate never showed up,” explained Darlene. “I expect they had a last-minute change of plan. These things happen.”

The couple have kept up their spirits while camping out by playing with sticks and eating mud.

Bubba said: “We’ve not seen anyone else all week, but I expect they’ll all rush here at the last minute to try to see Harry and Meghan, and other members of the Royal family.

“But they’ll regret it as they may not get a good view. That’s why we camped out – we’ve got the best spot.”

The news comes just a day after it was revealed Donald Trump had disguised himself as the Queen in order to gatecrash the Royal wedding.

Donald Trump dresses up as the Queen to gatecrash Royal wedding

The Editor
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Donald Trump dresses up as the Queen to gatecrash Royal wedding

Donald Trump disguised as The Queen

By Jane Seymour, Royal Editor

Donald Trump has disguised himself as the Queen in order to gatecrash this weekend’s Royal wedding, the Suffolk Gazette can reveal.

The US President was so distraught about missing out on an invite that he took matters into his own hands.

He hired America’s finest make-up artists to dress him like Her Majesty, and they even give him her trademark hairstyle.

Mr Trump has been moving about London and Windsor all week pretending to be the Queen – and has even had members of the Royal family fooled.

The Duchess of Cambridge thought something was amiss when she sat next to ‘the Queen’ at a church service to celebrate the 75th anniversary of the RAF Dambusters World War Two mission this week.

Donald Trump and Duchess of Cambridge

But new mum Kate still didn’t cotton on to the imposter – much like the Duke of Edinburgh, who was unaware his carriage companion at Goodwood races was not his wife.

Prince Philip and Donald Trump

Trump’s ingenious charade stepped up a gear when he infiltrated Buckingham Palace on Wednesday and attended a lavish reception for Commonwealth ambassadors.

He found his way to the Queen’s private quarters and was photographed being dressed for the formal banquet – including donning Her Majesty’s jewels and priceless tiara.

Donald the Queen with tiara

He then ate a five-course with atrocious table manners – but that still didn’t give the game away.

Donald Trump as the Queen

On Thursday Mr Trump moved on to Windsor to prepare for the Royal wedding, where Prince Harry would wed Meghan Markle, an American just like the President.

To keep up his pretence, he had to attend several more engagements, and by now his impersonation of the Queen was perfect.

First he presented prizes to the top jam makers in a competition held by the Windsor branch of the Women’s Institute.

Queen Trump

Then it was off to watch a military band in Great Windsor Park. Now wearing a fetching pink outfit with matching hat, Trump clapped along enthusiastically with tiny gloved hands.

The Queen or Donald Trump

Soon, however, it was all getting a bit too much as the US President realised being the Queen was quite hard work.

After yet another change of outfits, he had to attend a tedious reception for local council dignitaries. And he started looking thoroughly bored with the whole thing.

Annoyed Donald Queen

But he soon rallied, realising his dream of attending the Royal wedding was just hours away.

Another engagement this morning at a Windsor wildlife sanctuary cheered him up, as he likes ducks. Especially when they are well done in a nice sauce.

Donald duck

Finally he was able to try on the outfit he will wear for the Royal wedding – a beautiful blue gown with matching jewellery.

His Majesty Donald Trump

Royal security will now be on the lookout for the President at the Royal wedding – and trying to find out what has happened to the real Queen, who was famously given Framlingham Castle in Suffolk for her 90th birthday.

Spanish potato farmer is Donald Trump double

The Editor
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Spanish potato farmer is Donald Trump double

Spanish potato farmer

A female Spanish potato farmer has the dubious honour of being Donald Trump’s double.

The happy farmer is of sizeable proportion, and looks elegant in her colourful top and skirt.

And, as if to show she takes no prisoners, she poses with a giant hoe over her shoulder (no Donald Trump jokes there, please).

The photograph of Dolores Leis Antelo was posted by a journalist who was at the farm in Cabana de Bergantiños on an unrelated story.

He posted the photo with the Trump reference but quickly deleted it.

Luckily for us, it was too late as it had already begun being shared on the internet!

Donald Trump double

Now dubbed Señora Trump, Delores is said to be “charmed” that her photograph is being viewed with such keen interest on the web.

“My photo seems to have traveled far. I say it is because of the color of my hair,” she told a Spanish newspaper.

It is not clear if Mr Trump has seen the photo, or if Delores will be invited to the White House.

Masked burglar spotted at Chelsea football match

The Editor
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Masked burglar spotted at Chelsea football match

Burglar spotted at Chelsea

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

A wanted burglar was caught by television cameras this week watching Chelsea play Huddersfield, police have confirmed.

The masked thief is believed to be behind hundreds of crimes in west London and has evaded all efforts to catch him.

But officers were close to catching their man when he was spotted at Stamford Bridge wearing his distinctive black mask and purple t-shirt.

Police rushed to the stand but the villain, dubbed the Chelsea Dagger, had done a runner.

Inspect Will Knabbem, from Scotland Yard, said: “The lads were watching the Chelsea match on the television in the incident room when the Dagger popped up on the screen.

“They couldn’t believe it – and rushed down to the ground to make an arrest.

“But he’s a slippery customer, and by the time we got there he had vanished.”

It is believed the Chelsea Dagger, so-called because he uses his knife to pick locks, is responsible for 340 burglaries in the posh Chelsea and Kensington districts of London.

He has been caught on CCTV several times wearing his trademark mask which covers his face.

Police say he is around five feet ten inches tall and, according to the man standing next to him in the ground, speaks with a London accent.

That rules him out being a Huddersfield supporter who only pops down to London to watch football and burgle properties.

Police will now be glued to all future televised Chelsea matches in case the burglar is spotted again.

“We’re not daft,” the police spokesman said. “If he dares to turn up at Stamford Bridge again, we’ll grab him.”

Britain irritated by disrespectful dawn chorus

The Editor
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Britain irritated by disrespectful dawn chorus

Alternative dawn chorus

By Jack Dawes

Britain is waking up to an unusually annoying and noisy dawn chorus as migrating birds return for the summer.

Particularly prevalent this year seem to be the colourful Wheelie Bin Throat Rumbler and the cheeky Glass Bottle Roller.

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And while the Red Crested Car Alarm is active at all times of year, the returning Reversing Bin Lorry is back with its distinctive call made all the more harsh when the bedroom window is left open.

Excited ornathologists say the Engine Revving Shitehawk has been heard in front gardens from Lowestoft in the north of Suffolk to as far west as Sudbury.

Twitcher Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Normally I like to open the curtains so we can all admire my Great Tits.

“But at this time of the year, when we tend to sleep with the windows open, we are hearing all manner of feathered friends even with the curtains closed.

“There are some rare species being heard across Suffolk.

“Only yesterday we had reports of a Large Door Slammer in Felixstowe, and even a Bickering C*nt in Stowmarket.

“The Bickering C*nt is the rare cousin of the more commonly-known Irritating C*nt, which is a thrush.”

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Not everyone is as keen on the fantastic dawn chorus generated by our feathered friends.

Steve Walshe, from Woodbridge, Tweeted: “We’ve had the lot going off this morning, including a Cat Stabber, which makes an awful screeching sound.

“Some people love birds, but their bloody morning noise wakes me up far too early. It is disrespectful”

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Squirrel rips off man’s testicle during World Naked Gardening Day

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Squirrel rips off man’s testicle during World Naked Gardening Day

Squirrel rips of testicle

A squirrel ripped off a man’s testicle and buried it after he dozed off during World Naked Gardening Day.

The nude victim was fast asleep on his sun lounger when the pesky grey squirrel seized his nuts.

It ripped away the man’s right testicle with one bite – and he awoke in agony to see the rodent running off down to the bottom of the garden.

As the gardener howled in agony, covered in blood, the squirrel calmly buried the testicle next to a tree.

World Naked Gardening Day is becoming more popular by the year, and the unnamed victim from the Ipswich area was thought to be one of hundreds of keen local gardeners taking part.

Phil Ward, a spokesman for Ipswich Hospital, confirmed: “A man was treated for a bite injury, apparently caused by a squirrel.

“People really should remain clothed in the garden – last year a seagull ripped off a sunbather’s testicle in Ipswich.”

The Suffolk Gazette understands the man’s wife heard his screams and rushed outside to see him writhing in agony.

She called the ambulance, and told neighbours no one could believe what had happened.

One local said: “The poor man will have a story to tell his grandchildren one day. Thankfully he’s already had kids so there is no problem with that.”

Lorraine Fisher, 34, an animal behaviour expert, said: “Squirrels are very active at this time of year.

“They are busy hoarding food as well as being a little aggressive as they are looking for a mate.

“They can give a nasty nip, so they are best avoided. Clearly the animal thought it had got hold of a tasty walnut.”

Kim Jong-un addicted to FIFA 18 on his Xbox

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Kim Jong-un addicted to FIFA 18 on his Xbox

Kim Jong-un on his Xbox

North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un is addicted to his Xbox and plays FIFA 18 for hours every night, it has been revealed.

He even battles online against people from around the world, who would be astonished if they knew their opponent’s real identity.

Mr Jong-un spends all his free time on his sofa glued to the FIFA 18 game – so much so that he is considered a high-skilled player, and his screen name TheBossDPRK features high on the worldwide leaderboard.

With the North Korean team being poor in the EA Sports game, the leader has adopted English club side Ipswich Town FC as his favourite to play with.

A North Korean regime spokesman said: “Kim Jong-un plays as Ipswich Town as he has a holiday caravan on the Suffolk coast. Her has proved how good he is by getting them promoted into the Premier League and then winning the Champions League.

“He takes on all comers – if only those people knew who they were really up against!”

Some have said they are sceptical about why the news is now being “leaked” about the leader playing on his Xbox.

But political analysts say it is part of a carefully-choreographed change of image.

Expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “First Kim Jong-un met the Chinese leader, then the President of South Korea. And soon he will be meeting Donald Trump.

“While promising to abandon nuclear tests, he wants the world to see him as just a normal person, not some inhumane dictator who suppresses his people.

“Being thought of as a regular guy playing football on his computer is part of this staged impression they are trying to portray.”

However, our investigations reveal there is indeed an Xbox player using the name TheBossDPRK who is one of highest in the FIFA 18 rankings.

An insider at Ipswich Town said: “While we do not endorse the policies of Mr Kim Jong-un, we are glad to see he has impeccable taste by choosing to play as Ipswich Town on his Xbox.

“We are currently searching for a new manager after the departure of Mick McCarthy, so perhaps he would like to apply?”

Firemen free trapped maypole dancers

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Firemen free trapped maypole dancers

Firemen were called to a Suffolk village today when three women became entangled in a maypole during May Day celebrations.

Each year the ladies in Rattlesden attach large ribbons to the top of the village green maypole and dance around it as part of a centuries-old tradition to herald May 1.

But yesterday the dance descended into farce when one of the participants, who villagers claimed had “been at the cider”, kept getting her dance moves wrong.

The dancers’ colourful ribbons, which were attached to the top of the pole, started getting tangled up.

Before anyone could intervene, three of the women found themselves wrapped around the maypole, tied up and unable to move.

maypole dance

“It was very funny, but we were a little worried because they could not move and one of the ladies said she could not breathe very well,” dance leader Mary Blear-Smythe said.

“But no matter how hard we tried, we could not untangle the ribbons. My husband got some garden shears, but he cut Mrs Pike’s fringe and nearly sliced off Mrs Parkinson’s fingers.

“In the end, we had to call the fire brigade, who were very decent about it. They had to cut the maypole in half above the ladies heads, and then they were able to lift the ribbons off.

“Everybody was very relieved and went to the pub for a calming drink afterwards – except for tipsy Lorraine Fisher, 34, who was the one who caused the problem in the first place. She was sent home.”

Eagle-eyed Suffolk Gazette readers will recognise the village of Rattlesden, near Stowmarket, which is where a blind football team brawled with a bunch of morris dancers in the summer of 2015.

A Suffolk fire service spokesman said: “One appliance was sent to Rattlesden to release three women who had become trapped on a maypole.

“The crew used cutting equipment to slice the pole in half so the ribbons could be lifted off. No one was hurt.”

Mrs Blear-Smythe added: “It’s a bit of a coincidence that we have had two mishaps relating to different folk traditions. We are now a little worried about this summer’s folk music festival at The Brewers Arms.”

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