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Village idiot stars in 2017 John Lewis Christmas TV advert

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Village idiot stars in 2017 John Lewis Christmas TV advert

village-idiot

By Mark Spencer

An East Anglian village idiot is the star of John Lewis’ 2017 Christmas television advert, it has emerged.

The moving film features a desperately lonely Suffolk idiot, who is sad because no one bothers to talk to him.

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He is ridiculed by the people of Alderton because he keeps falling backwards off garden walls, where he likes to sit all day trying to engage them in conversation.

But then the advert shows one little girl who feels sorry for the village idiot, and desperately wants to do something to help him.

Finally, in a tear-jerking end to the sequence, she manages to buy him a camping chair from John Lewis in time for Christmas so he can sit safely by the side of the road without falling off walls.

John Lewis bosses, who have celebrated years of success with their Christmas adverts, including the Man on The Moon and last year’s Boxer dog bouncing on a trampoline, are sure they were on to another seasonal hit.

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A John Lewis source said: “Suffolk is famous for its village idiots and we thought a story about one of them being helped by a little girl would be heart-warming.

“Our focus groups loved the advert, and we expect it to be far more popular than anything put out by Marks and Spencer or Tesco.”

However, some people in Suffolk have been offended by the ad, saying it does not portray the county in a good light.

“There are hardly any village idiots left these days,” one resident Tweeted furiously. “Now everyone will think we are a sandwich short of a picnic.”

The Suffolk Gazette tried to get a comment from a village idiot in Freston, but he ran away.

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Prince Charming fails to find Norfolk Cinderella

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Prince Charming fails to find Norfolk Cinderella

Norfolk Cinderella

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

Prince Charming has spoken of his anguish after being unable to find Cinderella in Norfolk.

Try as he might, the dashing royal could trace no woman in the county capable of squeezing her six toes into the special slippers.

He has now reluctantly admitted that the love of his life probably does not live in Norfolk after all, but is almost certainly from neighbouring Suffolk.

Prince Charming had been on the hunt for a wife so inexplicably decided to look in Norfolk.

He told Royal courtiers to put on a lavish ball at Dunston Hall near Norwich and invite all the single women from the area.

One mystery beauty caught his eye but fled at midnight because the last Greater Anglia train was about to leave.

She left a slipper behind as she dashed for the train – a perfect clue to her identity.

Whoever could fit into the slipper would surely be his new wife, so the Prince, 29, toured the county trying every woman.

To his horror none of them fitted the shoe because they could not squeeze six toes in.

A Royal spokesman said: “It is with regret that we report the Prince has been unable to find his wife in Norfolk.

“All the women tried on the slippers eagerly but one toe would always stick out.

“We now believe the beautiful woman who beguiled Prince Charming that night must have come from Suffolk.”

The Suffolk Gazette understands one likely candidate is Miss Cinderella, 24, from Woodbridge in Suffolk, who lives with her evil Norfolk stepmother and ugly step sisters.

A Palace insider said: “Prince Charming has ordered teams to Suffolk to find her. We believe they will live happily ever after.”

Alleged sex-pest Kevin Spacey to start new career as an MP

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Alleged sex-pest Kevin Spacey to start new career as an MP

Kevin Spacey

Shamed movie star Kevin Spacey, who faces a string of sex assault allegations, has revealed he intends to stand as a Member of Parliament.

Mr Spacey says he is now perfectly qualified for a life in the sleazy House of Commons.

A pal said not only has Spacey played a political leader in the Netflix blockbuster House of Cards, but his alleged sexual misconduct will go down a storm in Westminster.

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Only days ago, Defence Secretary Michael Fallon was forced to resign, while other Tory and now Labour MPs have also been suspended amid claims of lust and sexual misconduct.

With multiple sexual misconduct allegations against him going back years, 58-year-old Spacey would now be an ideal candidate for any political party in Britain.

“Kevin is devastated that Netflix has appeared to drop him and his career in acting is probably over.

“But as one door shuts another one opens, and as fate would have it an alternative career has emerged, for which he is perfectly qualified.

“It seems being a British MP involves the need to be a sex pest, have weird sexual preferences and generally be a letching pervert.

“Kevin is determined to get a piece of the action, and will be standing as a Member of Parliament at the next available by-election.”

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Police have confirmed that a 58-year-old man is under investigation after another man claimed he awoke to find Spacey performing a sex act upon him when he was 23. No arrests have been made.

Meanwhile, at least eight employees who worked on House of Cards have anonymously accused Spacey of making the show a “toxic” work environment, according to a CNN report. Allegations include “non-consensual touching and crude comments” usually targeted at younger, male members of the crew, and one former production assistant for the show has accused Spacey of sexual assault.

A spokesman for Downing Street said: “Kevin Spacey sounds like he is made of the right sort of stuff to be a Member of Parliament, and we look forward to welcoming him aboard.”

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Tipsy commuter sleeps through 14-hour train fiasco

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Tipsy commuter sleeps through 14-hour train fiasco

Commuter sleeps

A tipsy commuter was so sleepy on his train that he ended up on the rails for FOURTEEN hours.

By Casey Jones, Railways Correspondent

Richard Williams (tipsy) had a boozy Tuesday afternoon with colleagues in London before catching the 8pm train from Liverpool Street, which should have got him into Ipswich at 9.10pm.

But Mr Williams, 50, fell asleep within minutes of settling down in his first class seat, and slept through his stop in Suffolk.

He woke up in a panic as his train pulled up at the end of the line – 40 miles away in Norwich at 10pm.

“I had to hang around for half an hour to get the train back so I could get off at Ipswich,” he explained. “So I had a pint at a pub next to the station.”

Tipsy Mr Williams got back on the train, but promptly fell asleep again and slept through Ipswich once more – all the way back to London!

“I couldn’t believe it. By the time I got back to Liverpool Street it was gone midnight, more than four hours after I left in the first place, and then there were no trains back to East Anglia until 5.30am!”

Mr Williams said he had to wander about Liverpool Street Station, and had two McDonald’s meals to pass the time.

“I had to ring home and explain what had happened, but I don’t think the missus believed me.”

However, things got worse for financial trader Mr Williams.

He was so tired after waiting up all night that he fell asleep as soon as he got on the 5.30am and, with no one else on the train to wake him up, he ended up in Norwich once more.

Now it was 7.30am and Tipsy Mr Williams was stuck in Norwich and due at work two hours later.

“There was no way I had time to go back to Ipswich to get washed and changed. So I had to get the train straight back to London and go to work.

“I was in a bit of a state, and probably looked a bit rough.

“It was the 14-hour train journey from hell.”

A spokesman for the Greater Anglia train company said: “At least he got his money’s worth.”

Piece of iceberg that sank the Titanic auctioned for millions

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Piece of iceberg that sank the Titanic auctioned for millions

Titanic iceberg for sale

One of the last known pieces of the iceberg that sank the Titanic is being auctioned off in London next week.

Expected to fetch over £2 million, the unique piece of memorabilia will be the star of the show at the Christie’s sale.

Auctioneers are under strict instructions on how to display the tennis-ball-sized piece of ice after an unfortunate incident three years ago.

Then, to the horror of a worldwide audience, a piece of Titanic iceberg melted under the lights while being held aloft by an auctioneer in New York.

That mistake cost the Smythe-Withson auction house hundreds of thousands of dollars in compensation.

Christie’s has assured the owner of the ice, who lives in Suffolk in the UK, that their staff will display it in a special cool box to prevent loss.

The “unsinkable” Titanic sank in the North Atlantic during its maiden voyage in April, 1912.

More than 1,500 of the 2,224 passengers and crew died after it hit the iceberg in the early morning, before tipping up and slipping below the waves.

Survivors scrambled on lifeboats and floating wreckage – and some famously pocketed blocks of the ice as a ghoulish souvenir.

Most of the mementos have been lost in time, but some survived for years.

The piece up for auction next week is believed to be one of the last of perhaps three pieces in the world, hence the extraordinary price.

Auction expert Rose DeWitt Bukater said: “Collectors worldwide will be scrambling to snap up a piece of maritime history – and a small block of ice that shocked the world – and even starred in its own film.

“The ice will easily exceed the £2 million reserve.”

Although the owner of the ice is not being named officially, it is thought to be Mr Jack Dawson, from Stowmarket in Suffolk, whose great-grandfather survived the Titanic disaster.

He refused to comment today, saying only: “I had a sinking feeling someone would identify me as the owner.”

Katie Hopkins attacks Lowestoft’s sexual health

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Katie Hopkins attacks Lowestoft’s sexual health

Katie Hopkins Twitter

Motormouth Katie Hopkins has declared war on Suffolk by claiming people in Lowestoft are riddled with syphilis, warts and crabs.

Whilst catching crabs along the Suffolk coast is indeed easy, and often pleasurable, the other conditions are less than complimentary.

The “celebrity” broadcaster made the sensational claim to her 823,000 Katie Hopkins Twitter followers (only a few less than the Suffolk Gazette) during a heated social media debate.

Hopkins responded: “People from the East? The Three Kings. Carrying gifts of syphilis, warts and crabs. Filth.”

Her comments sparked a storm of protest from Lowestoft residents.

Dwayne Pipe, 26, of London Road South, said: “Who does Katie Hopkins think she is, slagging off our town and people like that?

“Not everyone here has syphilis and warts. Some just have your bog standard STDs. The filth bit is quite accurate, I suppose.”

Katie Hopkins Twitter

Ms Hopkins is never far away from controversy. In a Suffolk Gazette column she attacked anyone with a foreign sounding name – and people who were fat (which seemed like another pop at Lowestoft).

While she clearly had Lowestoft in her sights, by declaring “from the East” in her controversial Tweet, nearby seaside town’s were eager to distance themselves from the crabs.

A spokesman for posh Walberswick said: “Everyone here has crabs. Often, once we have got rid of them, we go and get them again. But that’s none of Katie Hopkins’ business.”

Crabs can even be caught just up the road from Walberswick, in Southwold. However, there are no other sexual health issues there, mainly because most residents are too old to get into any bother.

Ms Hopkins was unavailable for comment, mainly because we didn’t bother asking her.

Ipswich Hospital buys giant rectal probe camera

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Ipswich Hospital buys giant rectal probe camera

Colonoscopy

Ipswich Hospital has taken delivery of a huge new camera for its colonoscopy investigations.

The impressive colonoscope will be inserted up patients’ backsides to check for potential bowel conditions.

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The new piece of equipment is the biggest rectal probe camera ever purchased by the NHS, and reflects the growing obesity rates in Britain today.

Costing £137,000, it will be made available to patients in Norfolk, Cambridgeshire and Essex as well as those in Suffolk.

The hospital colonoscopy consultant, Dr Hugh Janus said: “We all know there is trend towards obesity in Britain today, and as a result adults have much bigger backsides than in years gone by.

“Traditional colonoscopy investigations, where a small camera is inserted through the rectum into the large bowel, have become increasingly difficult as a result.

“Now our new camera will fit snugly into the larger patient’s backside and provide us with a brilliant view of what is going on inside.”

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The first patients have already been inspected using the new device, and lubrication has only been required on two occasions so far.

A spokesman for the Department of Health said: “This was a necessary and welcome investment that proves we are creating a National Health Service that meets the needs of modern-day patients.

“This colonoscope camera may have cost £137,000, but we have already found we can claw some money back by renting it out at nights to amateur astronomers, who have been seeing some wonderful sights from the hospital roof, including a great view of Uranus.”

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Sizewell family alarmed by cat’s changing appearance

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Sizewell family alarmed by cat’s changing appearance

Sizewell cat

A family who recently moved to Sizewell have raised concerns after their pet cat’s appearance changed drastically within two weeks.

Fluffy went from being a normal-looking hairy cat (inset) to a bald freak with huge ears and scary green eyes.

Mum-of-two Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “My husband got a new job so we had to move from Northamptonshire to live in Sizewell on the Suffolk coast, close to the nuclear power station.

“Everything has been lovely – the locals have welcomed us and said we should be accepted in Suffolk within 27 years, and the kids settled in school once they got used to wearing smocks.

“But something is terribly strange about Fluffy, who likes to go out at night and explore.

“First we noticed some tufts of his hair began falling out – and within four days it had all gone.

“And then his ears grew enormous and his eyes began to bulge and changed colour from yellow to green. He also now has five legs.

“He’s probably the same cat inside, but to be honest the kids are now scared to go near him.”

Ms Fisher took Fluffy to the local Ipswich vets, who advised her to stop letting him wander up to Sizewell B.

“They wouldn’t tell me why. It’s very odd,” Ms Fisher said.

“Why shouldn’t Fluffy go up there where it’s nice and warm? It makes you wonder if it is entirely safe.”

Sizewell B spokesman Charles Montgomery Burns said: “Excellent! There is absolutely nothing to worry about. Release the hounds!”

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