Thursday, March 28, 2024
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James Hunt stars with Morecambe and Wise in Texaco ads

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Formula One world champion James Hunt starred with Morecambe and Wise in these two classic television ads for Texaco back in 1977.

They stand the test of time and are good enough to raise a giggle today – nearly FORTY years on!

So even if you’re too young to remember Hunt, who won the world championship in 1976, or even Eric and Ernie, you’ll still enjoy them.

Here’s advert number one:

Followed by number two:

Suffolk Police hunting green-fingered pervert

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in my lady garden

My Lady Garden was taped off as a crime scene this week after Suffolk’s own Special Branch put out an alert for a fruit-n-veg pervert. I’m sorry, dear readers, to lower the tone of our cosy column, but your clues could help finger the man known as the Fruit Fecker of Fakenham.

Imagine my shock when I discovered that my whopping prize specimen had been violated in the strawberry bed. Someone had been trifling with my soft fruit but all I saw was a man in a shabby mac (yes, in a heatwave,too!) running away in the distance shouting something about his strawberry shake.

strawberryFruity: someone took advantage of my strawberry

I’m afraid this type of offence is only too common.

Just last week, my fellow crime reporters on the Suffolk Gazette exposed the misdeeds of pumpkin-poking Ralph Bishop, who got his comeuppance from Ipswich magistrates for a lewd act in a farmer’s field.

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People like him should be locked up.

How do we know if they are working up the fruit and veg aisles of our cherished Waitrose? Is there a question on the job application form asking: “Have you ever ogled an Ogen melon, or been convicted of ANY Melony Felony, or shagged a strawberry or been drunk in charge of a Kumquat?”

So now the question is, was my Strawberry stroker Ralph Bishop or has he spawned a load of copycat produce-pokers?

Talking of fruit and vegetables, Old Mr Smee, who tends my grape vines in the lean-to, has been ordered to eat more of them (five a day, including chips) after he went into agony with one of his extremities going red and swollen.

gout foot

It turned out to be gout, and after a fortnight off the wine and upping his veg, his foot is like this:

carrot-foot

I have little sympathy for Mr Smee because I think he got his gouty foot by raiding my fermenting bottled grape juice and last year’s vintage of elderberry wine. I found him slumped against the pouffe and he admitted he had just had an early morning stiffener while watching Nigella lick a spoon on his phone.

Serves him right if he’s got a nasty case of Chateau La Feet.

You can make wine from all manner of things, including parsnips, but mostly they are vile, cloudy and give you more runs than Mo Farah at Rio.

But in some areas the blackberries are ripening and I can recommend making Blackberry Vodka.

Simply pick the fruit from the hedge, shove into an empty bottle and top up with Lidl Vodka. Their brand is £7.99 and is called Putinoff, because after a few large ones you will be Putinoff the weeding and watering and tucking into a family size bag of Doritos. Macerate your bottle (yes, I did spell that right) and enjoy in a month or two.

putinoff vodka

My favourite home-made falling-down juice is Sloe Gin. The sloes are already on the bushes but are better after a frost.

My recipe, which will be ready for a Christmas shopping steadier, is: One third sugar, which you put in an empty bottle first or you wont know what a third is, then a third fruit, then fill the bottle with gin.

Method: Prick the sloes with a thorn from the blackthorn tree the sloes grow on. Think of all the politicians and celebs you don’t like, and stab the sloes with the prickle as you pop them in the bottle.

Give it a good shake every day. And the bottle!

sloe ginRemember to make a label like mine

quick ginThis bottle is for emergency swigs only

Jobs to do this week

* Leave a packet of condoms near your pumpkins just in case.

* Plant shrubs. A favourite one for fragrance is mock orange (Philadelphus Virginal) which ironically smells like a brothel, so my husband tells me.

* Put a drizzle of Gromore into your watering can and give those containers and hanging baskets a bit of goodness and a good drenching during this hot spell.

* Harvest your runner beans before they go tough and stringy like Therese May.

Now for the answers to your questions

* Nobby C from Stowmarket: Yes, even if the kiddies have piddled in the paddling pool you can reuse the water on your leaks.

* Jemima from Drinkstone: It might have been more sensible to have your three bottles of Aspall cider and a spliff AFTER trying out your new power mower. Little can be done about your prang now but your neighbour probably knows there is a BMW repair shop in Ipswich.

* Mr R B from Fakenham: I am no expert at these matters but i did hear somewhere that people heat the melons in the microwave first.

Have a good weekend!
anita-bush-signature

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Face of Donald Trump appears on Aldeburgh scallop

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donald trump aldeburgh scallop

EXCLUSIVE
By Peter Grimes, Aldeburgh Reporter

American tourists are flocking to Aldeburgh after the face of Donald Trump appeared mysteriously on the town’s famous scallop beach sculpture.

Trump supporters see the extraordinary image as a “miracle” – and a sign that the controversial republican will sweep into the White House this November.

But residents in the posh Edwardian town say Trump’s face has somehow been painted on the metal scallop – and is simply a publicity stunt for his garish new resort at Aldeburgh Golf Club.

Visitor Lionel Johnson Jr., 57, from Texas insists the sculpture is a message from the heavens. “It really is a sign from our Lord that Donald Trump is going to win the election in November.

“If he can appear successfully on a giant scallop, he can do anything.”

Mr Johnson was one of five coachloads of Americans to stop off at Aldeburgh beach yesterday alone, and Suffolk Police are considering diversions around the area to prevent traffic gridlock.

The sculpture was created by artist Maggi Hambling and has been on Aldeburgh beach since 2003. It has proved controversial and been vandalised at least a dozen times, and now campaigners have more of a reason to hate it.

Retired army major Anthony Frost told the Suffolk Gazette: “Now Trump’s image has mysteriously appeared on the scallop, we really do have to knock it down. It spoils the beach, and his face is frightening small children.”

Jeremy Corbyn sat on train roof because service ‘too packed’

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EXCLUSIVE
By Casey Jones, Railways Correspondent

jeremy corbyn sitting on train

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has claimed a Greater Anglia train service from Ipswich was so packed that he had to sit on the roof.

Mr Corbyn claimed he could not find a seat on the 7.30am commuter service from Ipswich to London, so he climbed up on top of the engine and sat there instead.

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He then got one of his aides to take a photograph, and released a statement alleging the “overcrowded” train was symptomatic of a broken rail service that should be nationalised again.

But Greater Anglia hit back, saying there were plenty of spare seats on the train, and Mr Corbyn was simply trying to make political capital.

The row comes just a day after Virgin Trains denied its service from Kings Cross was so packed that Mr Corbyn had to sit on the floor for part of the journey.

An Ipswich commuter said: “I arrived at the station and couldn’t believe my eyes – Mr Corbyn was sitting on top of the engine in Platform 2. I thought I was still drunk from the previous night.”

A British Transport Police spokesman was not impressed. He said: “It was totally irresponsible. We do not recommend passengers sit on top of the roof because they might fall off.

“Plus they are likely to be decapitated the moment the train enters the tunnel just outside Ipswich Station.”

Labour leadership rival Owen Smith told the Suffolk Gazette: “That bloke is a lunatic.”

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Brave cop decorated after recovering stolen paint

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By Rob Banks, Crime Editor

A brave cop who caught a lorry packed with stolen paint has now been decorated.

PC Matt Coates was on duty on the A14 near Stowmarket when he received a call about the theft of a blue Scania truck and 50,000 cans of Dulux from nearby Claydon.

He spotted the stolen lorry moments later and managed to overtake it and then block the carriageway before forcing the driver to give himself up.

A spokesman for Suffolk Police said: “The owners of the paint were grateful and nominated PC Coates to be decorated for his bravery.

“PC Coates is a modest chap and tried to gloss over it, but we could tell he was quite emulsional because it was his first arrest.”

The spokesman added that PC Coates, 28, later celebrated his award by “getting plastered” with his mates.

And following his brush with the law, robber Derek Smith, 63, from London, was jailed for six months at Ipswich Crown Court.

 

Realistic new map of Suffolk boosts tourism

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By Suffolk Gazette Staff

Tourism chiefs are delighted with a new map of Suffolk that helps visitors navigate their way around the county.

The map, which was produced by the Suffolk Gazette’s crack team of graphic designers and cartographers at a cost of £10,000, includes the good (rich farmlands), the bad (farmers shooting burglars) and the ugly (Haverhill).

It highlights where people can enjoy a caravan holiday, where they can find some slot machines – and which part of the county has lots of wonky houses.

For those looking to retire to Suffolk, it highlights Woodbridge as the perfect place.

And for rich Londoners looking for a Suffolk home, they need only search along the coast.

A county official said: “We are grateful to the Suffolk Gazette for making the new map, which will go a long way to, er, putting Suffolk on the map.

“It seems to sum up the county in an easy-to-understand way.”

A spokesman for the Suffolk Gazette said: “We think it’s a fair representation of our county.

map of suffolk

“Hopefully people in Haverhill will still speak to us, although some of them sent us death threats after we unveiled the Suffolk version of Monopoly and they were in Old Kent Road.”

The county map is one of a stunning trilogy that will be on display in London to help tourists understand what is available in East Anglia.

It goes with the Norfolk map, and with the Essex map.

 

Olympic dressage horse Valegro joins Strictly

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By Arthur Pint, Entertainment Editor

Olympic gold medal winning horse Valegro is the latest contestant to be added to this year’s Strictly Come Dancing line-up.

Valegro stunned the Olympic judges in Rio with an excellent display in the individual dressage, and is hotly-tipped to win this year’s Strictly trophy.

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It is not yet clear who will partner the horse, but Charlotte Dujardin, who rode him to success in Rio, says whoever it is will be the “luckiest woman ever”.

She said: “He is a natural dancer and we didn’t need to train much. In fact, I feel a bit guilty about getting the gold medal as I didn’t really do a great deal.”

valegraPrancing about: Valegro goes for gold

Although initial reports suggested Valegro would retire after the Olympics, Strictly producers made an offer that his team could not refuse, including a timeshare stable in Sheikh Mohammed’s plush yard in Newmarket.

After flying back from Brazil, he is enjoying a few days rest to recover from jet lag before beginning training for the show, where he will be up against the likes of former Chancellor, and current Norwich City chairman Ed Balls, who is not a horse – but does look like one.

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Dwile flonking team wins another Gold for Britain

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By Our Olympics Staff

Suffolk was celebrating today after its dwile-flonking Olympians added yet another Gold for Team GB in Rio.

The awesome foursome from Beccles beat Albania in a nail-biting final to clinch Britain’s first Gold in dwile flonking since it was reintroduced as an Olympic sport in 1968.

Sadly their victory will not be seen on television because the sport, which began in rural East Anglia in the 17th Century, involves alcohol and heavy drinking.

But photographs from Brazil show Rodger Smith from Beccles successfully tossing his beer-soaked dwile at hapless Albanians.

The elitist sport remains popular in many countries across the world, although America disappointed by crashing out in the qualifiers to Kazakhstan.

Dwile flonking involves two teams. One stands in a circle around an opposition flonker, who has a cloth – or dwile – which he soaks in a bucket of beer at his feet and drapes over a stick.

He then spins around and tries to release the dwile so that it strikes one of the other team. If he fails, he has to drink the contents of the bucket (traditionally Adnams).

This continues in rotation until the last team standing wins. In rare circumstances it is settled with a points system.

Beccles in Suffolk is the world headquarters for dwile flonking after the sport was revived there in the mid 1960s.

Smith, 67, competes for Team GB with fellow Beccles farmers Tim Smith, Dave Smith and Bill Smith.

He said: “Winning gold is a dream come true, and is reward for hours of hard training in pub car parks across East Anglia. It’s just a shame my wife Liz was not able to be here to see it. She was at home getting the harvest in.”

There are moves to add Dwile Flonking to the Winter Olympics as well, because the sport is an all-year pursuit.