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‘Late’ Jack McGraw lives up to his name

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‘Late’ Jack McGraw lives up to his name
‘Late’ Jack McGraw lives up to his name

‘Late’ Jack McGraw, the infamous 18th Century pirate, miraculously reappeared with his ship, The Abeyance, on South Beach in Lowestoft on Tuesday, 314 years after going missing, presumed lost at sea.

Stunned onlookers milling around Triton’s statue on the Esplanade,.stood aghast as the maidenhead of The Abeyance gradually came into view through the thick,.grey mist rolling off the North Sea. Weighing anchor, and disembarking into a launch, the ghostly figure of Late Jack rowed effortlessly to the beach,.before stepping onto dry land for the first time in over three centuries.

Two pirates of the Caribbean

In the decade between 1709-1720, McGraw, Blackbeard, and… err?… some other not-so-well-known pirates,.terrorised the hapless seafarers who dared venture into the Caribbean Sea betwixt the islands of the West Indies,.and the eastern coast of North America.

McGraw, who was born in 1685 in the seaside town of Pakefield, East Suffolk,. never gained the enduring notoriety of legendary pirating superstar, Blackbeard,.due to the fact that he was always late to the plundering of the bountiful vessels he pursued.– usually catching up with them a few hours after Blackbeard had made off with the booty (hence the nickname ‘Late’ Jack McGraw). And whereas top seadog, Blackbeard used to burn candles in his beard to terrify and disorientate his victims,.Jack’s chosen method of intimidation was to board ships with a betwattled seagull tied to the ends of his long, tangled, white hair, creating pandemonium as it shat and squawked over all and sundry. All this while Jack searched in vain for a few measly, remaining pieces of eight.

Better late than never

To gasps of incredulity, Late Jack, staggered along the pebble beach, carefully sidestepping modern,.never-before-seen twisted fag butts and rusty drinks cans. A small crowd, including children playing with plastic cutlasses, gathered, as he crunched his way towards the nearby Jolly Sailors pub and restaurant (Coley wrapped In Parma Ham, with wild mushroom & gnocchi cream – £17). Kicking the door open with the sole of his thigh-length pirates’ boots, Jack stumbled into the pub, causing customers to retreat in terror. After surveying his surroundings, the salt-dried, sea-bandit approached the bar and clobbered it with the yin of his fist. A cloud of dust, salt, and seaweed particles puffed into the air, causing the barman to cough and wipe his eyes.

“Grrrrrrrrrrrr,” mumbled Jack, as he gestured with a long, boney, emerald-ringed finger towards a bottle of Sailor Jerry Spiced Rum on the shelf opposite.

“Sorry. We’re just about to close,” replied the barman.

Putin’s occupation shtick brings the house down

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Image by: Pixabay

Veteran Russian funnyman, Vladimir Putin, has delivered a state of the nation stand up routine at the Assembly.

Working men’s club in the Russian capital, Moscow, telling gags, some blue, about the ‘special military operation’ which has been ongoing in Ukraine for a year.

There was more coughing than applauding as comrade Putin – Russia’s answer to Jim Davidson – took to his feet amidst the clinking of pint glasses and the rowdy hubbub coming from the crowded bar area. Cries of ‘Na Zdorovie’ from a few old Communist party stalwarts floated across the cigarette smoke-filled auditorium towards the pinko comic who, right from the start of his set, seemed overly-reliant on his lecturn to keep his balance.

Holding a lit cigarette in the same hand as his microphone, the totalitarian titillator opened with a characteristic one liner about a Jewish Nazi from Ukraine who wanted to take over the world. He followed this with a burst of quickfire wisecracks about NATO sending military jets and heavy weaponry to Ukraine before he did, and how he was not attacking the people of Ukraine, but rather, freeing them! Hoot.

U.S.S.R having a laugh

An hour into his big night at the Assembly Putin had them eating out of his (shaking) hand. The gags were coming quick and fast, and no subject was off limits. To shrieks of laughter that would have made Ricky Gervais envious, Putin mocked the Anglican Church’s plans to consider the idea of a gender-neutral God. “Millions of people in the West understand they are being led to a real spiritual catastrophe.” he remarked as one party official literally rolled off his chair holding his sides to prevent them splitting.

Then Putin’s speciality blue material kicked-in. Ridiculing the west for its declining moral standards, he brought the house down as he joked “Look at what they do to their own people: the destruction of families, of cultural and national identities and the perversion that is child abuse all the way up to paedophilia, are advertised as the norm… and priests are forced to bless same-sex marriages.”

C.C.C.P-ing their pants

The balding hootmeister brought the marathon gig to an end after two gruelling hours onstage with his final, masterful gag: “Russia will meet any challenges because we are all one country, a big and united nation. We are confident in ourselves and confident in our strength. The truth is on our side.” Cue mass meltdown. The entire auditorium, its air thick with the smell of vodka and urine, descended into fits of hysterics. Actual screams of laughter competed with loud uncotrollable belly laughing as Putin traversed the stage fist pumping assorted Cossacks, Mongols, and Siberian Tatars, and kissing beautiful, albeit planted, Ukranian farm girls.

There is no doubt that after ten years at the top, Putin is still the master at making the whole world laugh.

Vladimir Putin’s Ukranian tour dates culminating at the Lesya Ukrainka National Academic Theater in Kyiv are yet to be released.

Things to do in the United Kingdom: LEAVE

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The United Kingdom closes the door on your way out
The United Kingdom closes the door on your way out

Trip advisor, the world’s largest travel site has suggested some fantastic getaways from the United Kingdom. That’s it. Just get away from the United Kingdom.

Past Glories

It wasn’t always like this. In the 1960s, popular skiffle band, the Beatles, sang of their love for their hometown of Liverpool in ‘Penny Lane’.‘Penny lane is in my ears and in my eyes’ they warbled. While at the same time, Lonodan rivals, The Kinks,.were singing the praises of the nation’s capital in ‘Waterloo Sunset’ which they compared to paradise. Years later, in 1990, English footballing crybaby, Paul ‘Gazza’ Gascoigne recorded ‘Fog on the Tyne’.– an homage to his beloved Newcastle upon Tyne – which was all his.

But then the cultural Marxists took over, andnow, Great Britain, once a leading example of proud nationhood, has been reduced to nothing more than a place to leave, or pass through on your way to somewhere better – a bit like Ipswich.

So, where did it all go wrong, Britain?

Many people believe it started at the Royal Albert Hall, in London, on 6 April 1968 – a date that will live in infamy in ther memories of all British people. A day that will be forever remembered for ‘the great injustice’.

The day upon which universally-loved pop God, Cliff Richard, was denied victory at the Eurovision Song Contest with his perfect pop song ‘Congratulations’. The day that Britain was beaten in a music competition by the Spanish, with a song – clearly inspired by Marxism – called… wait for it… ‘La la la’.

Noel Edmonds’ Crinkley Bottom deserted

Other people believe it was when Noel Edmonds’ inspired light entertainment series,.‘Noel’s House Party’, set in the (thankfully) fictional village of Crinkley Bottom,.and co-starring retarded, sponge thingummybob, Mr Blobby, was taken off air.

The suggestion is that the absence of engaging, family-centered,.annoying-as-fuck entertainment on the BBC at 7.00pm on Saturday nights,.left a void that was soon filled with glue-sniffing, sexual perversion in the streets, and the rise of Ant & Dec. These maladies persist, and have contributed to the fecklessness, and moral decay that Britons see all around them, today.

So where should people go when they leave Britain?

Hmmm, that’s a toughie. Russia and Ukraine are defininately out. Italy has lurched to the right, and France is unemployed, and a target for terrorists. Saudia Arabia is OK – if you want to be beheaded, and the US ideal if your black and want to be beaten to death by cops.

Germany is still paying for everything in Europe so taxes are high, and Spain has a big problem with domestic violence against women – although not as bad as in Afghanistan where being a woman is not gonna help your career – at all. You have male rapists being sent to women’s prisons in Scotland, and the Chinese economy has been destroyed by Covid 19.

Erm?…

Actually, on second thoughts – may as well stay here! 

Fowl drones finally put taxidermy to good use

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Fowl drones finally put taxidermy to good use
Taxidermy. Euurgh. Was there ever a worse idea? I doubt it.

We can apportion some blame on the Ancient Egyptians,.who liked nothing better than to preserve dead stuff in preparation for the afterlife. But the astrologers and apothecaries of the middle ages also bear some responsibility for not leaving well alone.

The preservation and display of dead birds for observational purposes was pioneered by Frenchman, R. A. F. de Reaumur in the 1750s. His method of fixing a bird’s skin to a board, inserting a glass eye,.and then painting on a beak and legs is rumored to have been the same method used by Keith Harris to make Orville.

Get stuffed

Today’s world, however, dominated as it is by high technology (Hi-Tec),.has no more use for the barbaric pursuit of fiddling with wire mesh, sawdust,.and the smelly outards of a bat, zebra, or pangolin, than a cat has for pyjamas. At least, that’s what we’d all hoped…

But then came along, Dr David Smythe-Jones of Suffolk University to breathe new death into a menagerie of post-mortem pied wagtails, peregrines, pigeons, and parrots. Smythe-Jones, an aeronautical engineer specializing in drone technology, has combined his specialism with his other passion –  ornothology – and come up with the idea ‘bird drones’ – basically a drone stuffed inside a dead bird. Weird.

Taxidermy for Dr Frankenjones

The Doctor – known as ‘Frankenjones’ to his colleagues, told the SUFFOLK GAZETTE how came up with his freaky idea one Sunday afternoon as he watched his wife stuffing a chicken with Paxo original sage and onion stuffing. “We were in the kitchen, Lydia amd I.

I’d just opened a second bottle of 2011 Château Grand-Puy-Lacoste Pauillac and I remember leaning unsteadily against the rustic central island. I remember it clearly because I rested one hand firmly in a big pile of breadcrumbs, and when I lifted my hand, it looked like a leper’s with all the skin-like crumbs falling off, haha.

Anyway, I was watching my wife stuff the bird and I remember she was droning on about something or other. And that was it. I was so excited I dribbled a whole mouthful of the Pauillac down my chin when I attempted to say ‘Eureka!’, haha”

New Greenpeace ‘We Give Up’ campaign announced

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New Greenpeace ‘We Give Up’ campaign announced
New Greenpeace ‘We Give Up’ campaign announced

Global Environmental campaign group, Greenpeace has announced that it is giving up trying to save the planet.

The acclaimed international network of do-gooders, was initially set up in Canada in 1971 by a couple of long-haired,.American hippies, with a stated mission of “ensuring the ability of the Earth to nurture life in all its diversity”. However, fifty-three years later, with issues such as climate change, deforestation, overfishing, and anti-nuclear issues still worsening, the group has announced, via a new marketing campaign, that it is giving up on Earth.

Shitting on our own doorstep

If past experience is anything to go by, the shocking campaign poster showing a papier mache model of planet Earth being unceremoniously dumped in a wheelie bin, is likely to go ignored, just like the group’s thousands of other warnings about humans’ self-destruction of the planet we call ‘home’.

Time and again, we heard them, moaning about how we should stop using spray-on deodorants as they were destroying the Ozone layer, and how we shouldn’t dispose of cotton buds down the toilet because they ended up being used as hobby horses by seahorses.

On and on they went, but were we listening? No, of course not. We were too busy scoffing deforestation burgers from polystyrene boxes we threw out of our car windows, or quaffing six-packs of lager leaving the plastic ringers to throttle and kill innocent marine animals. We basically didn’t give a shit, and now, neither does Greenpeace.

Green Peaced off

Lorraine Fisher – 34, Spokesperson for Greenpeace UK, told this reporter “Screw you. That’s the message. We f*cking give up. What’s the point? You’re all scum anyway. I guarantee, even as I am saying this,.there will be some pikey scumbag somewhere in Suffolk, fly-tipping a piss-stained mattress and some shit-skidded baby clothes all over our beautiful countryside. Or some chavvy wanker throwing a coke can onto a railway track. People obviously don’t care that we are ruining our planet, and that one day our children will have to eat plastic because we have polluted our seas and countryside beyond natural use. We tried, but now you’re on your own, you ignorant f*ckers.”

Shit.

Salad shipments to UK sunk as cargo ship hits iceberg

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Salad shipments to UK sunk as cargo ship hits iceberg
Salad shipments to UK sunk as cargo ship hits iceberg

Salad shipments to the UK have been lost at sea after a Spanish cargo ship hit an iceberg (lettuce) in the English channel.

The San Juan De Radish set sail out of Bilbao on Tuesday bound for Liverpool, but due to a cold snap in the channel, and unbenkownst to the coast guards of both Spain & the UK, ice bergs (lettuces) had quickly formed the previous night. If you think that is not possible, just think about how you make (lettuce) ice cubes.

The cargo Salad ship is said to have collided with the iceberg (lettuce) at around 3.oo am on Tuesday. In a tragic mix-up reminiscent of the horlicks the Titanic’s lookout made of spotting icebergs (lettuces), the Spanish lookout, who had reportedly been up all night drinking Patxaran and playing cards, had accidentally taken a cucumber to his post instead of a telescope.

Ensalada flotante

The accident caused the loss of 165,000 tons of Spanish salad including: lechuga (iceberg), tomate, cebolla y cebolleta, ajo, palta, pepino, raíz de remolacha, olivos y apio.

The loss of more salad could not have come at a worse time for the hungry people of the United Kingdom, despite the fact that it is currently winter when nobody eats the stuff. This hasn’t stopped the mainstream left-wing media banging on about it of course, as it tries to dupe the stupid working class people of Britain into believing it has something to do with Brexit, forcing them change their tiny minds and agree to rejoin the European Union after the Labour Party wins the next election under Keir ‘Second Referendum’ Starmer. Probably.

Fortunately, no lives were lost in the accident and a happy consequence of the sinking was that thousands of passengers in passing migrant boats on their way to the UK were able to stock up on supplies for their journey.

The Evolution of Online Casinos: From Simple Slots to Live Dealer Games

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The Evolution of Online Casinos: From Simple Slots to Live Dealer Games

The growth and development of the internet have transformed the landscape of the online gambling industry, which now offers a wide range of gaming options for players worldwide.

One trend that has emerged in recent years is the rise of 10 pound deposit casino sites, which allow players to enjoy their favourite casino games with a relatively small deposit. These sites have become increasingly popular among players who want to try their luck without risking too much money upfront.

Despite this trend, online casinos have evolved significantly from their early days, when they offered only simple slot machines, to the present day, where players can enjoy various games, including live dealer games. This evolution has been driven by advancements in technology and the introduction of new features, such as mobile compatibility and virtual reality gaming, which have made online gambling more accessible and engaging than ever before.

In this article, we will explore the evolution of online casinos from their early days to the present day and discuss the technologies and trends that have helped shape the industry.

The Birth of Online Casinos

The first online casino was launched in 1994, just four years after the internet became widely available to the public. This casino, which was called Gaming Club, was founded by Microgaming, a company that still develops software for online casinos today. Gaming Club offered just 18 games initially, but it quickly gained popularity, paving the way for other online casinos to follow.

Over the next few years, many more online casinos were launched, each one trying to outdo the others with new games and features. One of the critical factors that helped drive the growth of online casinos was that they could offer much larger payouts than traditional land-based casinos. This was because they had different overheads, such as rent, staff, and utilities, and could pass these savings on to their customers.

The Rise of Slots

In the early days of online casinos, most of the games on offer were simple slot machines. These games were easy to develop and required little in the way of graphics or animation. However, they were also trendy, allowing players to win large amounts of money with a little bet.

As online casinos’ popularity grew, so did the variety of slot machines on offer. Developers started introducing new features, such as bonus rounds and wild symbols, to make the games more exciting and engaging for players. They also started incorporating more complex graphics and animations, making the games more visually appealing.

The Emergence of Table Games

As online casinos continued to grow and evolve, they started to offer a wider variety of games, including table games such as blackjack, roulette, and baccarat. These games were more complex than slots and required more advanced software to run. However, they were also more popular with serious gamblers, as they offered a greater degree of skill and strategy.

To accommodate the growing demand for table games, online casinos developed more sophisticated software that could handle multiple players and complex betting strategies. They also began to offer live dealer games, where real dealers would operate the game via a video link, adding an extra level of realism to the experience.

The Future of Online Casinos

Today, online casinos are more popular than ever before, with millions of players logging on each day to play their favourite games. However, the industry is still evolving, and new technologies are constantly being developed to make the experience even more immersive and engaging.

One of the most exciting developments in recent years has been the rise of virtual reality (VR) casinos. These casinos use VR technology to create a fully immersive gambling experience, where players can interact with each other and with the environment in real time. Another trend that is gaining popularity is using blockchain technology to create more secure and transparent online casinos.

Conclusion

In conclusion, the evolution of online casinos has been a fascinating journey, from simple slot machines to today’s immersive, interactive experiences. As the industry continues to evolve, we can expect to see even more exciting developments in the years to come.

Militant lollipop lady responsible for Ipswich traffic chaos

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Militant lollipop lady responsible for Ipswich traffic chaos

A militant-extremist lollipop lady was responsible for causing traffic chaos in Ipswich after obstructing vehicles to assist the public crossing a usually busy and dangerous road.

Zebra crossing of no return

Krystyna Kowalczyk, a former toothpaste tube cap tightener from Gdańsk, Poland has been lollipopping the infamous Woodbridge Road Zebra crossing every weekday since 2014, after she and her family moved to the UK. The crossing, nicknamed ‘the Rubicon’ by locals after the river Rubicon crossed by Julius Caesar in 49BC (leading to the ultimate demise of the Roman Empire), is the site of over 80,000 deaths in the last twenty-five years due in part to its faded, virtually invisible white stripes, and the bulb in its Belisha beacon having not been changed since 1982.

Vehicles including, Mini Norfolk electric cars, Suffolk-built Wilko Eco-Buggies, tractors, combine harvesters, and hay balers, regularly speed over the crossing, oblivious to its existence (if only they would do that when I am stuck behind them on the B1077 at Witnesham.)

Innocent women    

Former politically moderate traffic warden, Krystyna, told this reporter how she decided to become a militant-extremist lollipop lady to put a stop to the needless deaths of thousands upon thousands of innocent women, children, and toddlers. “I haff been poppink at thees crossink for a long, long time now, and I know how dangerooz eet iss. So I think, why don’t I just close the bleeedink road, full stop. So thees iss what I deed. Mya hussband eee ees a counceel road worker and he let me borrow all thee cones and the fences and the sign to cause my obstruction. I am savink lives.”

Ipswich traffic chaos is usual

The obstructions erected by Kowalczyk, caused traffic chaos during the school run and much of the rest of the day as queues of farm machinery and other rural vehicles attempted to U-turn in the road, prevented as they were from passing the crossing. Amidst the confusion, two chickens were reportedly squashed under a wheel of a slurry tanker.

A spokesperson for the Suffolk Constabulary told reporters that a 48 year-old Polish national was cautioned over a traffic offence, and that access on both sides of the Woodbridge Road had now been restored.