Mr & Mrs Jeremy Piggledy of Cretingham, Suffolk got the shock of a lifetime when they discovered £16,700 in used notes stashed in their son’s sock drawer.
By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent
Tom Piggledy, 23, a supposed estate agent, still lives with his parents despite the fact that he is a grown man and should really have flown the nest by now. Described as shy and somewhat introverted by his parents, the secretive young man arouses different opinions in those who know him locally.
Definitely Stashed
For example, a young hooded thug whom I met loitering on the swings in a nearby park told me “Y’aknow the pig. H’yalways about. Y’can score off da pig anytyime, bruv, definitely.” I wasn’t entirely sure what the feckless ingrate was trying to communicate to me but I don’t think it had anything to do with estate agency.
Possibly Stashed
Mrs Jeremy Piggledy (first name unknown) meekly suggested to me that her son was ‘a very good boy. Quiet but charming, and extremely intelligent. He is popular and seems to have lots of friends whose names Jeremy and I don’t know.’
I asked Mr Piggledy (Jeremy) where he thought the stashed money had come from. “Real estate one imagines. Where else could it have come from?” he told me through squinted eyes. “He did have a paper round, but that was some years ago now.” Added Mrs Jeremy perplexedly.
I asked the Jeremy-Piggledys if they had found anything else untoward when they were invading their son’s privacy. “Well, actually, yes,” Said Mrs Higgledy-Piggledy. “We found some small re-sealable plastic bags which looked like they were filled with tiny yellowing florets of Brocolli, and also some small scales for weighing tea. Tom was very keen on nature as a boy, you’d always find him talking to himself in the garden. Sweet boy.”
Probably Stashed
I asked the Higgledy-Piggledy-Pughs where their son was now. “Oh, he’s probably visiting his friends around the village. He says that going to lots of different properties each evening helps him research for his estate agency work. I think he was on the phone with someone called Mary Jane earlier, wasn’t he Jeremy? He’s always talking about her on the phone. I don’t know if she’s his girlfriend?”
A 20-a-day cigarette-smoking magpie has contacted the Suffolk Gazette to complain about the skyrocketing price of cigarettes in the UK.
By Colin Allcabs, Consumer Editor
The feathered fag fiend – whom we are calling ‘Terry’ – claims that his once-affordable habit has become an exorbitant luxury for a bird on a budget. “Chirrup, tweet, tweet, chirp, chirp (I used to smoke 20 a day,)” squawked the dirty bird in our exclusive interview. “Twitter, chirrup, tweet, tweet, chirrup, chirrup (I’d swoop down, grab a discarded cigarette butt, and enjoy a satisfying puff. But now, with the incessant price hikes, I find myself scavenging for loose change just to feed my addiction. It’s outrageous!)”
The chain-smoking corvid went on to detail his struggles to maintain his nicotine fix. He complained about having to ration his drags and even resorting to performing “butt heists” from ashtrays at local pubs.
Embassy No.1 (in the charts)
At £14.60 a pack, Terry can no longer afford his favorite Marlboro Reds ciggies, and has taken to smoking the cheapest available fags like Silk Cut, a brand favoured by chart-topping 1980’s rockin’ pop singer, Shakin’ Stevens who used to get through about three packs a day at the height of his fame.
I asked Terry why he didn’t just quit smoking. “Chirrup, tweet, tweet, chirp, chirp (I’ve tried, but I just can’t do it. It’s the stress of being a bird, man,)” Puff. “Twitter, chirrup, tweet, tweet, chirrup, chirrup (You try evading cats all day, foraging for bits of crap for the nest, and staying positive knowing that you’re only going to live for three years.)” Puff. “Tweet, tweet, chirp, chirp (And it doesn’t help having to sleep standing up, I can tell you.)” Long drag.
Magpie not Puffin
In response to the magpie’s claims, the R.S.P.S.B. has issued a public service announcement advocating for healthier habits among wildlife, offering solutions like foraging for berries, using Nicorette patches, or using rolling tobacco instead of filtered fags.
While Terry’s plea for cheaper cigarettes may have sparked a debate amongst our readers, it’s safe to say that his nicotine-needy narrative won’t be landing him many sympathy votes. As the smoke clears on this saga, one can only hope that Terry finds healthier ways to cope with the stress of being a smoking bird in an increasingly expensive world.
The SUFFOLK GAZETTE recently reported on Mildred Miggins, a housewife from somewhere in Suffolk, who placed a signpost reading ‘twatt,’ at the end of her road to help her drunk husband find his way home after late nights down the local.
Well, since our story went viral on the internet, other neglected and resentful wives and girlfriends of feckless, dirty stop-outs have begun to follow Mrs Miggins’ sardonic lead.
Take, for example, Joanne Smith from up the road in Suffolk, just a few miles from somewhere. Her useless and irrelevant other half, Steve, is always down the pub, chatting up the birds, when he should be at home getting on with things proper husbands do, like… erm… well, putting up a shelf or something. Joanne told me that she’s sick of it. “I’m sick of it. He’s never at home. I know what he gets up to when he’s in the Feathers because all the girls tell me about it. They say I shouldn’t put up with it, and they’re right. I shouldn’t.”
I asked what made her erect a sign for Steve. “Well, I read that excellent, witty article in the SUFFOLK GAZETTE about that twatt fella. It was so well written. Did you write that? (yes, actually) My Steve’s just the same, so I thought… what I can I write on his sign? Fat C*nt? W*nker? F*ck Face? Sh*t-for-brains? In the end, I just went with ‘Dildo’.”
Erections online
Other seething women have been posting photographs of their own erections on social media. Here are just a few that we found…
‘Gobshite’ – erected by Silvia Shuttleworth in Stockton-on-Tees for her husband, Graham.
‘Fel rhech mewn pot jam’ (fart in a jam jar) – by Ruth Rhys-Jones for husband Dafydd.
‘Dobber’ – by Sheila McClintock of Arbroath for her penis-of-a-husband, Andy.
We even found a sign in Dusseldorf, Germany erected by Damen Helga Von Waffenberg for her Bierkeller-frequenting husband, Heinrich Mueller Von Waffenberg which reads: ‘Halt deinen Mund!’ (Shut your mouth!) The Germans clearly haven’t got the hang of it yet but give them time.
Have YOU erected a ‘show me the way home sign’ for your useless prick of a husband? Send your pics to yoursleepingonthecouchtonight@suffolkgazette.aa.com
Elusive street artist Banksy’s true identity has been uncovered after he was spotted in the act of creating his latest masterpiece.
By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent
The enigmatic figure, known for his secretive persona and social commentary street art. He was caught red-handed in the act of painting a mural titled ‘boobies’ onto an ‘uneven road ahead’ traffic sign.
For years, the world has speculated about the identity of Banksy. With many believing the renegade art prodigy to be an overlooked art student. A bored painter/decorator, or an illiterate graffiti artist. However, the truth is far more down to earth than anyone could have imagined.
It turns out Banksy is none other than Fred Banks, 54, a bin man from Erwarton. Fred has been on the dust for 31 years and created his first street art in 1997. When he drew a ‘wot no recycling?’ graffiti on an overfilled wheelie bin. Since then, hidden by the dawn shadows, Fred. Who has no obvious artistic talent – has created over 3,000 works of vandalism while out on his bin round.
Risqué masterpiece
Banksy was finally uncovered when he let his guard drop as he munched on a Greggs sausage roll between pen strokes.
The ‘boobies’ mural, is seen as a bold departure from Banksy’s usual political commentary. The crude artwork features a pair of abstract hillocks. Cheekily transformed into ladies’ breasts with the addition of two cherry-like nipples in black permanent marker.
Posh art critics from London are wondering whether Banksy’s motivation is to enlighten. The world on gender equality, draw attention to the perils of uneven roads, or simply to provoke a good laugh. Albeit in a gratuitously sexist and childish manner.
With increasing energy costs and the adverse impact that many traditional sources of energy have on the environment, many homeowners around the world have turned to solar power as an alternative.
In the United Kingdom, installing solar panels has become an increasingly popular choice, and for good reason. In this article, we will explore the benefits of installing solar panels, and provide a list of the top ten best locations in the United Kingdom for doing so.
Why install solar panelling?
First and foremost, installing solar panels can be an excellent investment for homeowners. While the initial cost of installation can be significant, solar panels have the potential to significantly reduce energy bills over time. According to the Energy Saving Trust, a typical 4kWp solar panel system could save the average UK homeowner around £400 per year on energy bills.
Over the lifetime of the solar panels, this adds up to thousands of pounds in potential savings. Solar panels also offer a significant return on investment. In addition to the savings on energy bills, homeowners who install solar panels are eligible for government-backed schemes such as the Feed-in Tariff (FIT), which pays homeowners for every unit of electricity their solar panels generate, as well as for any excess electricity that they export back to the grid. The FIT scheme has been shown to provide homeowners with a tax-free income of up to £585 per year.
Great for the environment
Another key benefit of solar panels is their positive impact on the environment. Solar energy is a clean and renewable source of power, meaning that it produces no greenhouse gas emissions or other harmful pollutants. By installing solar panels, homeowners can reduce their carbon footprint and contribute to a more sustainable future.
Additionally, solar panels require very little maintenance once installed, making them a low-maintenance option compared to other renewable energy sources such as wind turbines.
Best UK locations for solar power
While the United Kingdom is not known for its sunny weather, there are certain areas that receive more sunlight than others. The South of England, for example, is more suitable for solar panel installation, as it receives the most sunlight in the country. Read on for our list of the top ten best UK locations for solar panel installation…
How to get the best out of solar
Another key factor to consider when selecting a location for solar panel installation is the orientation and angle of the roof. Ideally, solar panels should be installed on a south-facing roof with an angle of around 30 degrees, as this is the optimal angle for capturing solar energy.
However, east or west-facing roofs can also be suitable, and solar panels can generally be installed on roofs of any angle, as long as they are not too steep or too flat.
Homeowners should consider the size of their roof when deciding whether to install solar panels. Ideally, the size of the solar panel system should match the energy needs of the home, in order to maximize the energy savings and return on investment. Additionally, homeowners should ensure that their roof is structurally sound and able to support the weight of the solar panels before going ahead.
A sunny future
In conclusion, installing solar panels can be an excellent investment for homeowners in the United Kingdom. With the potential for significant energy savings, a positive impact on the environment, and a strong return on investment, solar panels are a smart choice for those who are looking to reduce their energy bills and contribute to a more sustainable future.
By selecting a location with high levels of sunlight, the optimal orientation and angle of the roof, and the right size of solar panel system, homeowners can ensure that they are maximizing the benefits of their investment in solar energy.
Top ten best locations in the United Kingdom for solar panelling:
Cornwall – with its sunny climate and abundant coastline, Cornwall is a top location for solar panelling in the UK.
Kent – also known for its mild weather and plenty of sunshine, Kent is a great location for solar energy.
Bristol – Bristol is considered a leading city for renewable energy, with many companies and government initiatives promoting solar panelling.
Oxfordshire – with its rolling hills, Oxfordshire is a perfect location for solar power installations.
Suffolk – Suffolk’s coastline and flat terrain make it an ideal spot for solar panelling.
Cambridgeshire – Cambridgeshire’s flatlands provide an excellent opportunity for capturing the sun’s rays.
Devon – with its South West-facing coastline, Devon enjoys plenty of sun and is a great location for solar power.
East Sussex – East Sussex has long hours of sunlight throughout the year, making it a suitable location for solar panelling.
Hampshire – Hampshire has a thriving renewable energy sector, with many businesses investing in solar power infrastructure.
Shropshire – located in the Midlands, Shropshire’s flat terrain and elevated position make it a prime location for solar panelling.
The NHS has admitted selling thousands of hospital beds worth £2,500 each for as little as £6 at a Suffolk car boot sale.
By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent
The beds, supplied by medical specialists OSKA, were purchased for use in the temporary Nightingale hospitals. Hastily knocked up during the COVID-19 pandemic of 2020-22. Due to the fact that C-19 turned out to be no more deadly than a healthy dose of Alzheimer’s. The beds went unused and have been left to rust in a Suffolk barn ever since.
Private Wealth Care
The specialist NHS beds, which include built-in TV remote control and memory foam armrests, represent a £13 million loss for the British taxpayer. It equates to every taxpayer in the UK giving 41p to OSKA CARE LIMITED for NOTHING.
NHS Nightingale beds
The first UK taxpayers saw of the beds – which may or may not be comfortable (no one has ever laid on them), was when a handful turned up at Cherry Hill Farm car boot sale in Rickinghall, Suffolk, last Sunday morning.
Still in their original bubble wrap, the beds, stacked three high, were advertised for 25 quid each or three for £60. However, after negotiating with the surgeon (in full scrubs and facemask) who was running the stall. I managed to secure two for £6 each – with a box of 250 blue, disposable medical-grade gloves thrown-in.
Seven Nightingale hospitals were set up during the first wave of the pathetic pandemic. The hospitals in Birmingham, Bristol, East London, Exeter, Harrogate, Manchester, and Sunderland. Cost a reported £530 million or billion, and apart from the admission of then PM Boris Johnson, they were barely used. the largest hospital in the capital treated fewer than 60 patients, and the Sunderland hospital treated a grand total of… none.
Doesn’t it make you proud to be British!
Interested in two OSKA Electric Hospital Beds Model 1003 – ONLY £1,000 EACH? Contact the Editor at SUFFOLK GAZETTE.
The Dallas Cowboys will make one more try to win the Lombardi Trophy and break a protracted Super Bowl drought. It’s time to review our NFL odds collection and anticipate and choose the Cowboys’ over-under win total for the 2023 campaign.
For the second consecutive season, the Cowboys finished 12-5 in 2022, although it was another disappointing year. Things got off to the worst possible start when Dak Prescott suffered an injury in the season’s poor opening loss to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
Nevertheless, the Cowboys defied expectations and shocked many with their resilience as they concluded the season with an impressive 4-1 record in games where backup quarterback Cooper Rush stepped in for Prescott. Particularly noteworthy was their unexpected triumph over the Cincinnati Bengals in Week 2. Upon Prescott’s return, the Cowboys continued their success, achieving an 8-3 record, with a flawless 6-0 performance at AT&T Stadium during the final six home games.
In the wildcard round at Raymond James Stadium, the Cowboys defeated the Buccaneers 31–14 to set up a playoff rematch with the San Francisco 49ers. Unfortunately, they were defeated 19-12 by the 49ers, who knocked them from the postseason for the second straight year.
Wide receiver Brandon Cooks was one of the moves the Cowboys made in the offseason to strengthen their core. Importantly, Cooks played in 13 games with the Texans and had 59 receptions for 699 yards and three touchdowns. He should assist Ceedee Lamb in posing a threat in addition to the pass-catching threats.
With his signing with the Cowboys, cornerback Stephen Gilmore now contributes to the secondary being the best position group on the club. As a result, anticipate strong defensive play on the back end.
Ezekiel Elliot, a superb short-yardage rushing back for the Cowboys in 2022, was cut by the team. He also tallied 12 touchdowns. In order to replace him, the Cowboys selected Deuce Vaughn in the sixth round.
courtesy of bet on nfl games online, here are the most recent NFL Odds for the Philadelphia Eagles.
NFL Odds: Over/Under Win Total Odds
Over 11.5 wins: +108
Under 11.5 wins: -134
Why do we think the Dallas Cowboys, can win 11.5 games
Given the talent on their roster, the Cowboys ought to have advanced to the NFC Championship game by now. So anticipate that talent running it back in an effort to make a splash in the postseason.
2,860 yards, 23 touchdowns, and 15 interceptions were thrown for by Prescott. In the end, he must maintain his health and reduce turnovers. After amassing 1,007 yards and 12 touchdowns on the ground in 2022, running back Tony Pollard will be the main man. In addition, he is recovering from an ankle fracture and will be ready for Week 1. Nine touchdowns and 1,359 yards were gained by Lamb on 107 catches. Now that Cooks has been added and has somewhat freed him up, he anticipates doing more.
The defense is still strong, as in 2022 Micah Parsons produced 13.5 sacks. Dorance Armstrong recorded 8.5 sacks in the previous season, too. Additionally, DeMarcus Lawrence produced six sacks. The secondary carried on producing during this time.
The Cowboys will win 10 games because they can score points and play solid defense. They can also compete against any NFL team.
Second thought on why Dallas Cowboys, can not win 11.5 games
The Cowboys’ biggest problem is the one that needs to be addressed right away. Yes, I’m talking about Mike McCarthy, the coach. He is facing criticism because a lot of his game-management choices have kept the Cowboys from going past the Divisional Round.
Since Prescott threw 15 interceptions, he needs to perform better. Likewise, he needs to be shielded. With the exception of Tyler Biasdasz at center and Zach Martin at right guard, every member of the offensive line is in doubt. So anticipate seeing Tyler Smith at left tackle working.
One of this team’s few flaws is its linebackers. They were frequently gashed on the ground by the 49ers and Philadelphia Eagles, which is significant. On that team, Leighton Vander Esch is the only dependable player. Damone Clark had a respectable rookie season, but he still needs to improve.
There are several kinks with the special teams. The Cowboys are also attempting to determine who will kick the ball. They need to respond to it before the start of Week 1. A strong kicker will also help them win close games.
McCarthy is not as effective as the other coaches on the top NFC teams, hence the Cowboys won’t win 10 games. Similarly, Prescott will keep having trouble, and the defense will keep failing to stop the run.
Dallas Cowboys Over/Under Win Total Prediction & Betting Pick
The Eagles are still a great team. The competition will be considerably tougher in 2023, though. The Eagles are expected to experience a little drop.
SUFFOLK, UK – The mesmerizing light show left many locals scratching their heads and fearing an imminent alien invasion.
The dazzling spectacle of the aurora borealis made an unexpected appearance over the quaint county of Suffolk, UK yesterday.
Suffolk Alien Invasion
As the skies over Suffolk transformed into a spectacular kaleidoscope of pinks, blues, and greens. Residents quickly abandoned their cups of tea and dashed outside, some clutching hastily made tin foil hats and pitchforks. The sight of the northern lights dancing in the heavens above was, for many, as mystifying as the potato was to their ancestors.
Brenda Higginbotham, a retired moth trainer and resident of Little Waldingfield, expressed her terror, screaming, “Look! Look! Waart is it? I ain’t never seen nuthin’ like this before! Them there aliens are a’comin’ to probe my turnips! I knew it!”
Strange alien language
Local radio stations were flooded with frantic callers, describing the not-that-uncommon event.as a ‘space invasion’ and suggesting that they should call in the army or summon Doctor Who to deal with the crisis. One caller who was first thought to be an invading alien announcing. The take-over and subjugation of Earth in a strange alien language. Later turned out to be a local farmer speaking in Suffolkese.
Unbeknownst to many in Suffolk, the aurora borealis is a natural light phenomenon caused.by charged particles from the sun colliding with the Earth’s atmosphere. But who needs science when you can blame extraterrestrial beings instead? Experts and astronomers tried to calm the masses, explaining the true nature of the aurora. But their scientific jargon was promptly dismissed as “gobbledygook” by locals.
Unidentified combine harvester
Social media platforms were yesterday ablaze with conspiracy theories and blurry smartphone photos of the invading ‘alien ships’ which were later revealed to be mere grain silos or farm machinery.
In the end, the aurora borealis vanished as mysteriously as it appeared, leaving Suffolk residents to return to their primitive ways and supernatural beliefs. The incident serves as a reminder that just as the universe is infinite, so is the stupidity of the people of Suffolk.
