Monday, February 12, 2024

Costs of fags ‘a drag’ says local magpie

Costs of fags ‘a drag’ says local magpie

A 20-a-day cigarette-smoking magpie has contacted the Suffolk Gazette to complain about the skyrocketing price of cigarettes in the UK.

By Colin Allcabs, Consumer Editor

The feathered fag fiend – whom we are calling ‘Terry’ – claims that his once-affordable habit has become an exorbitant luxury for a bird on a budget. “Chirrup, tweet, tweet, chirp, chirp (I used to smoke 20 a day,)” squawked the dirty bird in our exclusive interview. “Twitter, chirrup, tweet, tweet, chirrup, chirrup (I’d swoop down, grab a discarded cigarette butt, and enjoy a satisfying puff. But now, with the incessant price hikes, I find myself scavenging for loose change just to feed my addiction. It’s outrageous!)”

The chain-smoking corvid went on to detail his struggles to maintain his nicotine fix. He complained about having to ration his drags and even resorting to performing “butt heists” from ashtrays at local pubs.

Embassy No.1 (in the charts)

At £14.60 a pack, Terry can no longer afford his favorite Marlboro Reds ciggies, and has taken to smoking the cheapest available fags like Silk Cut, a brand favoured by chart-topping 1980’s rockin’ pop singer, Shakin’ Stevens who used to get through about three packs a day at the height of his fame.

I asked Terry why he didn’t just quit smoking. “Chirrup, tweet, tweet, chirp, chirp (I’ve tried, but I just can’t do it. It’s the stress of being a bird, man,)” Puff.  “Twitter, chirrup, tweet, tweet, chirrup, chirrup (You try evading cats all day, foraging for bits of crap for the nest, and staying positive knowing that you’re only going to live for three years.)” Puff. “Tweet, tweet, chirp, chirp (And it doesn’t help having to sleep standing up, I can tell you.)” Long drag.

Magpie not Puffin

In response to the magpie’s claims, the R.S.P.S.B. has issued a public service announcement advocating for healthier habits among wildlife, offering solutions like foraging for berries, using Nicorette patches, or using rolling tobacco instead of filtered fags.

While Terry’s plea for cheaper cigarettes may have sparked a debate amongst our readers, it’s safe to say that his nicotine-needy narrative won’t be landing him many sympathy votes. As the smoke clears on this saga, one can only hope that Terry finds healthier ways to cope with the stress of being a smoking bird in an increasingly expensive world.

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