Friday, May 10, 2024

Greggs offers ‘vape-while-you-wait’ option

Greggs offers ‘vape-while-you-wait’ option

Greggs, the baker is offering a new ‘vape-while-you-wait’ service to its offering.

The popular ‘old-school’ fast-food outlet (a baker’s shop), hopes that the new measure will give queues of people, hovering around the check-out, desperate to not miss out on their favourite cakes and pastries, something to do while they wait to be served, which to be fair, can take ages.

Puff pastry

The controversial move has already been trialled in thirteen stores across Suffolk with mixed results. Jonathon Smart, manager of Greggs at EG Sproughton Road Services, Ipswich, told this reporter, “Personally, I think it’s a mistake. I vape myself and I suppose you could say I’m addicted, but my therapist says it’s good that at least I recognize it. So, when a customer comes in and sparks up an e-fag, I’m thinking ‘Jesus, control yourself, you’re in a baker’s shop ffs’, is it wrong to think like that? Am I bad person?”

After reassuring Mr Smart that he probably isn’t a bad person, I spoke to a slovenly (W.C. ‘untidy and dirty’) young man who was preparing to vape. I asked him if he thought it was appropriate to vape inside a baker’s shop. “I dunno.” Replied the youthful yobbo, adding, “It says you can, so why not?” Not one of my more absorbing interviews.

Sausage roll-ups

I contacted local resident and retired army Major, Brian Panhandle-Smythe DSO CIE, chair of the Ipswich chapter of elderly do-gooding group, Residents AGainst Everything (RAGE), which has been campaigning against Greggs’ ‘vape-while-you-wait’ service for comment. He told me “When I was in India, we would have the local street boys smoke our cigarettes for us, and we would make them smoke anywhere. ANYWHERE! D’YA HEAR? But you see, we were in charge in those days. Today, well, now the boot’s on the other foot In’nit? They have the whip hand. So they come over here with their foreign muck, and stand there, bold as brass, puffing all over our Chelsea buns – the bloody buggers. STRING ‘EM UP, I say, the bloody lot of ‘em!”

W.C. = Working Class

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