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Donald Eyeing Ryder Cup Success Amid LIV Golf Fallout

The Editor
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Donald Eyeing Ryder Cup Success Amid LIV Golf Fallout
Donald Eyeing Ryder Cup Success Amid LIV Golf Fallout

No nation on Earth has produced more elite-level golfers than the United States in the past century or so – a fact confirmed by the identities of the most prolific major champions in that timeframe.

But Europe has produced plenty of classy operators as well, and the fact that the continental team has won seven of the last ten editions of the Ryder Cup speaks volumes of the togetherness of their players.

The Europeans have won each of the last three editions of the event held on ‘home’ soil too, and with Italy on hosting duties later in 2023 there will be a hope that they can make it four.

Amid the ongoing fallout of golf’s civil war, Team Europe captain Luke Donald appears to have the upper hand on his American counterparts.

Upsetting the Odds

Curiously, America are favourites in the golf betting online for the 2023 Ryder Cup – and warmly so too at odds of 4/7, with Europe back at 15/8.

Those offering free golf betting tips will have done their homework and will know of Europe’s excellent record when playing in front of their own supporters, and it would be no surprise if the weight of predictions in favour of Donald’s men ultimately makes the betting market much closer by the time the action gets underway in September.

There’s an elephant in the room dogging Team America, too. Will those players who left the PGA TOUR for the rebel LIV Golf brand be allowed to play in the Ryder Cup? And will they be able to gel with those who perhaps look on them less favourably following their decision?

Brooks Koepka, the PGA Championship winner, and Dustin Johnson would be shoe-ins for selection had they remained on the PGA TOUR, while Patrick Reed – given his fine record in the Ryder Cup – would have been a potential wildcard pick of captain Zach Johnson.

It has been reported that LIV Golf players are eligible for Ryder Cup selection, but will Johnson want to upset the applecart by selecting them? He will have no choice but to pick Koepka given his world-ranking status, but others will be left biting their nails as they await news of the captain’s intentions.

Experience or Exuberance?

Donald may have a selection quandary of his own.

The qualification criteria for the European team ring-fences three places for those who perform best in DP World events – a tour that is now a poor relative of the PGA TOUR and LIV Golf.

That means that Donald may be forced to select inexperienced players such as Adrian Meronk, Victor Perez or Yannik Paul before throwing them into the cauldron-like atmosphere of the Ryder Cup.

There was a feeling that the European captain may also turn to veterans like Sergio Garcia and Lee Westwood to add maturity to his roster, although the Spaniard has since claimed that Donald has already told him he won’t be considered for selection.

Europe has five players in the top 20 of the Official World Golf Rankings who will be auto picks providing they are fit, while Donald will probably call on the likes of Justin Rose, Tommy Fleetwood and Shane Lowry, who have stacks of Ryder Cup experience between them.

Team Europe will be free of the politics that could beset the Americans and they have home advantage – which has proven to be vital in the past. So there’s no reason why Donald & co can’t upset the odds in Italy this autumn.

East Anglian door-to-door bus service ‘a smash’

The Editor
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East Anglian door-to-door bus service ‘a smash’
East Anglian door-to-door bus service ‘a smash’

The Hamfist Bus Company which provides public transport in Norfolk and Suffolk is trialing a new ‘door-to-door’ service to assist the old, infirm, and downright lazy.

The pilot scheme, which began last Thursday in Lowestoft, Suffolk, got off to a somewhat shaky start when the first bus, the 102 to Oulton Village smashed into the front window of 31 Melrose Close, where OAP, Veronica Bacon (76) was waiting to be collected. Fortunately, Mrs Bacon, who visits her older sister, Beatrice, in nearby Woods Meadow every Thursday, was having a pre-travel wee in her accessible downstairs loo when the collision occurred.

Shaken Bacon

This reporter, who was first on the scene for the SUFFOLK GAZETTE, spoke to a shaken Mrs Bacon through the lavvy door while she was still on the pot. I asked her if she knew what had happened…

“Who’s that? Who’s that out there?”

            “My name’s Brian. I’m a reporter from the Suffolk Gazette.”

“Who?”

“Brian. From the Suffolk Gazette. Are you OK?”

“Yes, dear. What are you doing in my house?”

            “A bus has crashed into your sitting room. The entire front of your house is destroyed.”

“You what? Are you fucking winding me up?”

            “Sorry, no. Are you OK in there?”

“Well, I’m having a shit. Should I get up? Is the house on fire?”

“No. No. There’s no fire. The police are on their way. Do you want me to call someone?”

“Yes. Yes. Call my sister, Beatrice. The number’s in the address book by the phone. Tell her I’ll get an Uber, but that I’ll be a bit late. Oh, and say that I want the chilli fried beef, and special fried rice.”

“Anything else?”

“Erm? Actually yes. Can I have prawn balls, seaweed, and a can of Coke as well? Ta, love. Right I’m going to wipe up now. Tell the police I’ll be out in about 5 minutes.”

After leaving Veronica to finish up, I ventured back outside to the scene of the crash where several passengers were lying prostrate on the front lawn. One of woman appeared to have a large shard of glass protruding from the top of her head. Another man was lying across the crazy pathing path, smouldering in the moonlight.

Sniffing pussy

In an attempt to locate the bus driver, I clambered over the shattered remains of the front window and into the sitting room. I found him with his head buried inbetween the sofa cushions and his trousers down around his ankles. Mrs Sandy’s cat, Petunia was sniffing at his arse crack as I attempted help him up. As I was doing so, the blue lights and sirens descended on the property and I was ushered outside by a policeman who looked about twelve years old.

The cause of the crash is still unknown.

Legend of Suffolk Court Jester ‘just a diversion’

The Editor
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Legend of Suffolk Court Jester ‘just a diversion’
Legend of Suffolk Court Jester ‘just a diversion’

The tiny hamlet of Forward Green in mid-Suffolk has been thrown into turmoil over a controversial street diversion.

Residents of the quaint, albeit quite dull hamlet, have had their lives turned upside down by the idiotic council’s decision to re-route traffic directly across their eponymous green while never-ending roadworks are carried out nearby.

Forward Green, which dates back to Roman times, is most famous for being the birthplace of court jesters, foxes, and angels.

Juggling with the facts

According to the monk, Bede, widely accepted as the greatest Anglo-Saxon scholar of his day, the first ever sighting of a fox rummaging through a domestic litter bin occurred in AD 84 in the back garden of Aldith Foole, jester to the court of Gnaeus Julius Agricola, the Roman bastard governor of all Brittania.

Foole, whose specialty was juggling goats’ testicles still attached to their owners, apparently made the discovery after returning home from court early one morning, slightly worse for wear, clattering into his bin and disturbing what we would all recognize as a fox.

Upon sighting the strange, orangey beast for the first time, Foole questioned, in a loud voice, what it was he had just witnessed (this is apparently where the old English phrase ‘What the fuck is that?’ comes from.)

Angel cake

Bede writes that moments later, as the flummoxed court clown sat on his arse, partly covered in leftover Spaghetti Bolognese and early used wet wipes made out of pigs’ intestines, an angel appeared before him claiming to be the first ever ‘real’ angel in history.

Asked by Foole who he was (Pre-transexual Roman era angels were male), the angel replied “Do not concern yourself with who I am, but rather who you are. Just know that I am the first angel in history, that should give you a clue.”

Upon hearing this, the jittered Jester asked the angel about the orange furry thing he had just seen. “Do not concern yourself with the orange beast. Just clear up that muck, go inside, and when you have sobered up, have some cake and then work on your act.” Which is exactly what Foole did. This is apparently where the phrase ‘more fool you’ comes from.

That’ll be the day

According to the Suffolk Council website, the roadworks in Forward Green will be completed the next time a court jester, a fox, and the first angel in history are all seen together in the same place.

W.C. = Working Class

King Charles opens fast food restaurant

The Editor
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King Charles opens fast food restaurant
King Charles opens fast food restaurant

King of England, King Charles – who is most famous for flogging Organic Duchy Originals biscuits to posh people to have with their daily cup of Tetley – is moving away from health food and into fast food.

And in a barbed broadside at his backstabbing spare son, Prince Harry of Los Angeles, contained within an advertisement displayed at his Windsor fast food restaurant, the elderly monarch beseeches working people, not to work for his mutinous ginger turncoat son, but to work for him instead.

‘Work for a King, not a clown!’ reads the stinging castigation of his treasonous ‘number two’ offspring.

Supersize Fanta

Speaking at the grand opening of the flagship ‘King Burger’ restaurant, situated just outside the walls of Windsor Castle, the ‘Burger King’ himself said “Er, it was dearest mama’s last earthly wish that I open this fast food restaurant to feed the poor, hungry people of Windsor.

The late queen loved nothing more, after returning home from a hard day at the races, than to tuck into a fat, greasy quarter pounder with cheese, large fries, and a supersize Fanta. So today, Camilla and I, hereby pronounce this drive-through… open for business! God save the King… burger.”

Dainty dishes to set before a king

Items on the King Burger menu include: the Coronation Chicken Burger Deluxe, the Constitutional Monarchy Meal for two, Camilla Parker Bowles of Salad, four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie, Kate Middleton’s Big Royal Family Bucket, Imperial Chicken Wings, and Six Gold Nuggets with Sweet Chilli or BBQ dip.

King’s Fast Food

Eat-in customers will be treated to the finest bone china plates, solid silver cutlery, and cut glass tumblers for their milkshakes. While, for those who wish to eat on the go, the drive-through is wide enough to accommodate a gold state coach and eight horses.

Portcullis left open

A royal insider told this reporter that King Charles was leaving the door open for Prince Harry to come and work in the kitchen of King Burger when everything goes to shit in America.

Lost stash of WWII road signs found

The Editor
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Lost stash of WWII road signs found
Lost stash of WWII road signs found

A lost stash of road signs dating from the second world war has been found… somewhere in England.

During WWII, as Britain prepared for an expected German invasion, road signs were removed to confuse and delay the Wehrmacht‘s progress through the southern English countryside on its way to London.

Fortunately, thanks to the skill and superiority of ‘the few’ patrolling the skies above this formerly great nation, the invasion never happened and, consequently, the road signs began to go back up. Now, more than seventy years on, it feels like they didn’t know when to stop.

Göring round in circles

Second only to electricity pylons, road signs are surely the ugliest thing that ever happened to the green and pleasant lands of the United Kingdom (and northern Ireland. And Southern Ireland for that matter.)

It wouldn’t be so bad if the never-ending stream of bright yellow, red, green, & blue signage actually made navigating the highways and byways of the UK easier, but they don’t. How many times have you driven three times around a roundabout desperately trying to decipher which is the correct exit, or swerved into what you believed to be the correct lane two seconds before missing your junction? Frankly, the signs may as well not be there for all the good they do. Removing them would probably have helped, not hindered the Nazis traverse across the counties of Kent and Sussex in 1940.

Multiple nettle stings

Bert Kavanagh (86), a retired ball-bearing polisher from Yeovil, Somerset, last week discovered a lost stash of road signs dating back to the time of the Battle for Britain. Bert was working on his allotment, rummaging through an old shed that had belonged to his geriatric friend, George, who had recently passed away from old age exacerbated by multiple nettle stings. I asked Bert what he found.

“Signs.”

How many?

“Lots.”

How many is lots?

“Loads.”

Not knowing what to do with the informative relics from a bygone, infinitely better version of Britain, Bert decided to wheel the road signs into town in his barrow and reinstate them, randomly, on the first signpost that he came to, paying no heed to actual directions. Having done so, he retired to the Red Lion pub on the corner opposite the new multi-directional signpost he had just created and sat, nursing a glass of ale as he looked out of the window admiring his handy work.

What did you do then, Bert? I asked him.

“Warched people make monkeys of ‘emselves arl a’ternoon. MWAAAAAAHHHH HA HA HA!!!!”

Prepare for English Civil War 4.0

The Editor
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Prepare for English Civil War 4.0
Prepare for English Civil War 4.0

Who wants another English civil war? Put your hands up.

The last proper civil war in England took place in the second half of the 17th Century – if you don’t include the bloodier Brexit referendum of 2016, that is.

The long, drawn-out battles between the Royalists and the Parliamentarians ended with the Parliamentarians, led by the rabble-rousing military commander, Oliver Cromwell, victorious – until he died, at least, and his lot invited Charles II back from exile to be King under a restored monarchy. What a waste of bloody time.

So, if we are to have a new civil war, let’s do it properly this time.

State of the nation

Everyone knows that Northerners are as hard as fuck, and that cissy Southerners are basically rent boys willing to bend over for any Tom, Dick, Francois, or Muhammad that drags themself ashore on a beach anywhere from Devon to Dover.

The residents of the home counties still live at home with mummy and daddy so don’t expect them to have a decisive impact in the battle.

We Suffolkers are of course, as tough as nails, and with our battalions of heavy farm machinery, can easily stand our ground. A potential alliance with the counties of the South West could prove effective by combining their heavy muck artillery with ours, and the artists and artisans of Devon and Cornwall can also be utilized as war artists and poets.

The counties

The counties of the midlands, or ‘no man’s land’, will likely prove key battlegrounds and will ultimately have to pick sides. Whether they ally themselves with King Charles III, or a hodge-podge coalition of the parliamentary parties remains to be seen, although my money’s on the King, not least because he is still Commander-in-Chief of the military – or at least those parts that aren’t currently in Cyprus, Kenya, Batuk, Belize, The South Atlantic Islands, Gibraltar, Germany, The Baltics, Iraq, Brunei, Nigeria, Somalia, South Sudan, Mali, and let’s face it, Ukraine.

Wales will provide the catering, while the Scots are currently preoccupied with their own civil war between those who do, and do not wish to rejoin the European Union. If the Scots do decide to fight, expect them to empty the prisons of thousands of transexuals who will almost definitely have something up their kilts.

English Civil War

So there we have it. The stage is set. Let battle commence…

Business class banana palaver

The Editor
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Business class banana palaver
Business class banana palaver

A vegan business class passenger on Suffolk Airlines was given a single banana for breakfast.

Despite bananas fitting the vegan criteria, the high-powered businesswoman passenger was less than impressed with the meal offered to her as she travelled to Hong Kong for a important, multi-million dollar business meeting.

Ms Cyril Jeffers, VP of Products for Asia Connect investment bank, based in the City of London, reportedly threw a massive hissy-fit when she was handed the single piece of fruit on a cardboard plate approximately half way through her twelve-hour, £1,025 flight to the far east.

Thai the knot

The SUFFOLK GAZETTE spoke to a fellow passenger on the flight who was travelling cattle class but ventured, uninvited into business class to a take a posh shit. Brian Greenwood told us “I was headed to Thailand. Bangkok to be precise, to find meself a new wife, you know, one of those pudgy Malaysian-looking lasses with the fat cheeks and the rosebud lips.

I’m not that bothered if she’s been around the block a few times, or if her arse has a bit of cellulite, because I’m looking to find true love. I want someone who wants me for me, who will love me for who I really am. I know I can find her in Bangkok because I have 650,000 Thai Baht in cash, and a British passport.” 

Yes, but what happened on the flight over, with the woman?

“Oh yeah, well there was that posh tart who was sitting across the aisle from me. All she kept doing the whole way was listen to Berlin’s greatest hits on her Sony Walkman. It was so annoying hearing the non-stop tingy-tingy-wishy-washy sound coming out of her sponge-covered headphones. She must have played ‘Take my breath away’  fifty times, but then again, I s’pose it was the only hit they had.”

It seemed as though Mr Greenwood was suffering from jet lag during our interview as he was totally incapable of getting to the point, but we persevered.

But what about the banana?

“Oh yeah. Well when the banana turned up, the lady got all shirty. She pressed stop on her Walkman with a beautifully nail-varnished thumb, removed the headphones from her ears and rested them around her neck.

Actually, she was an attractive lady – in a manly, business-suited dominatrix kind of way – and I remember noticing the juxtaposition of the steel band of the headphones set against the exquisite string of pearls she wore around her long, slightly scrawny neck.

She stood up, took the banana in one hand, mouthed something (I had headphones on as well) and with her other hand, grabbed the very camp flight attendant by the hair on the back of his head. Then she slowly but forcefully inserted the unpeeled banana into his mouth. It went in quite far. Everyone on the flight gasped, well not everyone but some of us did. I did.”

Then what happened?

“Well, I don’t really know because that’s when the fella came out of the toilet and I went in for my posh Tom Tit.”

FFS.

A Day to Remember? Aussie’s Odds Slashed for the 2023 PGA Championship

The Editor
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A Day to Remember? Aussie’s Odds Slashed for the 2023 PGA Championship
Aussie’s Odds Slashed for the 2023 PGA Championship

There’s a saying in sports that ‘form is temporary, class is permanent.’ But if you can combine the two? Well, that’s a heady mix for potential success and explains why Jason Day has been so well-backed to win this year’s PGA Championship at the Oak Hill Country Club in New York.

That Winning Feeling

In every sport, there’s a clear connection between form, confidence, and winning – the three very much go hand in hand. So Day’s victory at the AT&T Byron Nelson, which acts as the final warm-up event for the second major of 2023, was both timely and noteworthy. And it didn’t go unnoticed, with the Australian backed into 22/1 from 40/1 by those that have bet on PGA golf in the past few days.

Of course, Day still sits behind the hot trio of Scottie Scheffler (15/2), Jon Rahm (15/2), and Rory McIlroy (10/1) in the betting, but he has the benefit of that recent success to call upon – no wonder so many PGA tips columns are heralding the 35-year-old as such a likely contender for the tournament that gets underway on May 18.

Mind you, he certainly took the circuitous route to success at the Byron Nelson, which is played each year at the TPC Craig Ranch Club in Dallas, Texas. Day opened up his account with a round of 64 there but meandered down the leaderboard as others – notably Scheffler and Ryan Palmer – exerted authority at the top of the standings.

But an outstanding final round of 62, which featured nine birdies – including a clutch four at the Par 5 final hole – and zero bogeys, ultimately saw Day hold off the chasing pack and land what is his thirteenth PGA TOUR title; albeit his first since claiming the Wells Fargo Championship in May 2018. If timing is everything in sports, Day could not have wished for a better lead-in display than his dynamics in Dallas.

Horses for Courses

Golf is a sport where the stats don’t lie – they reveal plenty about each player and their specific talents (and weaknesses). Across the entirety of the 2022/23 season, Day is one of the few players on the PGA TOUR who ranks inside the top 30 for all four of the most important Strokes Gained categories: Off the Tee, Approach, Around the Green, and Putting. The takeaway point? His all-around game is in the rudest of health.

The Aussie will need to utilize all of those weapons at Oak Hill, a golf course that tests every single department of a player’s game. It typically favors those who are long off the tee as it’s a very demanding layout with tiny, contoured greens – those that hit the ball further are able to take more lofted clubs on approach, which will ensure a softer landing on the slick greens from a higher trajectory.

Day averages 303 yards with his drives this season, which will be ample to compete at Oak Hill, and as we have learned he is also excellent on approach and in tidying up around the greens when he does miss with his irons. When any player or team’s betting odds are slashed in half ahead of a fixture, you know that there’s a strong feeling about their chances. In Day’s case, such positivity about his chances at the 2023 PGA Championship seems to be wholly justified.

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