Hallelujah! Jesus Christ has risen again at Joe’s greasy spoon café in Little Livermore, W.Suffolk.
With Easter just around the corner, and with: war in Europe, famine in the north, Brexit, postal strikes,.rail strikes, nurses strikes, inclement weather, the endangered status of the Ghanaian hamster,. institutional racism at the royal ballet, and the never-ending,.ever-upward-spiralling cost-of-living crisis, J.Christ’s reappearance couldn’t have come at a better time for Joe’s downtrodden, over-charged, and ill-educated customers.
In need of all the miracles they can get, knackered diners frequenting the grease-.addled eatery were amazed to find themselves in the presence of the Lord as they tucked into their flat bacon rolls.(£3.99 buttered / £3.59 dry) last Tuesday morning (or was it Wednesday?) Inexplicably, the son of god chose the scruffy, plastic-seated café as his venue of choice for his first public appearance in over two-thousand years.
Bacon Bap(tist)
The lamb of god (2023) from Bethlehem in Palestine, most famous for not eating pork,.surprised the chomping, working-class gobblers of the tiny and irrelevant Suffolk village by revealing himself (themself).from betwixt several rashers of cheap Appleton Farms unsmoked bacon purchased in bulk from Aldi (16oz, £3.99).
Upon being confronted by the presence of the Messiah, regular customer Fat Dave experienced his first epiphany in almost 35 years. He told the SUFFOLK GAZETTE “I am not a Christian, but I do believe there is something else out there in the universe that is bigger than us. At least I hope there is because my life and the lives of everyone else around here are pretty shit. When I saw Jesus H Christ in my bacon roll, I knew that everything I believed in was right, and that basically, the meaning of life was no longer a mystery. Everything made sense. Kind of?”
Prophet or loss
Realizing that this was probably the best opportunity he would get (at least for the foreseeable future) to ask the King of the Jews for a favour (miracle), Dave took the bold decision to do just that. Talking directly to his half-chewed roll, fat builder Dave (37), asked ‘Jez’ if he could tell him what the winning numbers to Saturday’s Lotto would be.
King of Rock’n’Bacon Roll
Replying in a tone of voice that sounded a bit like that used by Elvis when he recorded ‘In the Ghetto’, the light of the world replied “No, my son.”
“Why not?” asked fat Dave.
“Because you are mistaken, my very fine boy. I am not Emmanuel, Son of David as you all have wrongly assumed, for that is Meshuggeneh. I am, in actual fact, Demis Roussos, he of ‘Forever and ever’ fame, and ex-lead singer of Greek progressive rock band, Aphrodite’s child. Sorry about that, beshert.”
Have you mistaken Jesus for another celebrity in your bacon roll or sandwich? Contact idontbelieveitisjesus@suffolkgazette.co.jerusalem.com
Gerald Monocots (72), a disable gardener, who suffers from various disabilities including; cleft palate, one arm longer than the other, shocking dandruff, feeble legs etc, was upset to discover that his entire onion crop had been half-inched from his allotment less than 10 minutes after having become fully ripe.
By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Reporter
How much is an onion? 13p 14p? If you need an onion to spice up your bolognese, or to chop up and sprinkle over your cheese on toast, or even to deodorise your armpits (more on this later), it’s not going to break the bank is it? So why, oh why… WHY does anyone need to steal an onion???
Welcome to Britain. A country that in the last 70 years has lost all sense of moral rectitude. If you live in Britain, you live in a country where shoplifters can make £500,000 by obtaining refunds for returning items that never left the shop in the first place. Where Covid 19 benefit cheats can make thousands of pounds claiming grants to which they were not entitled on the backs of the coughing, spluttering, dead and dying. And where passengers on the London underground avoid paying for tickets by sneaking through the turnstile behind the person in front of them (Ahem. I did that once so let us quickly move on.)
By comparison, the theft of hard-grown onion produce (Binomial name: Allium cepa) from the allotment of a disabled gardener from Lidgate, Suffolk would seem innocuous (W.C. ‘not harmful or offensive’).
Unf*ckingbelievable
An onion requires 90-100 days to mature fully from seed, so that is almost one-third of a year wasted by Gerald (and let’s face it, at his age, he doesn’t have that kind of time to throw away.)
We spoke to Gerald and asked if he knew the culprit?
“Yes, I do.”
Who was it?
“I don’t know. But I think it might have been Brian Chilcot.”
Brian Chilcot?
“Yes. Brian Chilcot. ‘Cotty’. He runs the burger van outside the Fox & Hounds of a Friday night. ‘Cotty’s Burgers’.”
Why do you think it was Cotty?
“Because I found a burger flipper, spilled ketchup, and some burger sauce right there where the onions used to be.”
Hmmm. So what did you do?
“I put a curse on him, didn’t I? I put a curse on him that says that the fleas of a thousand camels should infest his armpits. Although judging by the disgusting unhygiene of his burger van what he runs, I reckon he already has ‘em! Ha Ha Ha!!!!!”
At first sight, it may seem that there is nothing easy as writing an opinion essay and turning to the lists of opinion essay topics for inspiration. This idea is quite controversial since, on the one hand, you feel more freedom since you are not placed in the frames of finding arguments to persuade another person and do not analyze issues looking for pros and cons. But on the other hand, you should have enough ideas and facts to back your thoughts. Another point is that it is academic writing, and obviously, it has a set of requirements to follow. However, do not give up since every situation has a solution, and you may turn to a paper writing service for expert assistance or cope with challenges with our help.
What are Opinion Essay Topics?
You need to understand it’s essential to know how to solve the problem. So, it is worth digging deeper and finding out what is an opinion essay. It is one of the writing types that contain a specific question, the answer for which is the student’s grounded, personal point of view. Sometimes they must turn to reasonable logic and confirm their thoughts with facts and proof and reflect the ideas in accurate opinion essay topics.
Such assignments are rather popular since they are thought-provoking and develop skills of correct thought expression, managing facts to prove their personal opinion, and arranging information logically. The critical difference between opinion essays and persuasive essays is that despite both requiring facts to support the presented point of view, an opinion essay does not strive to persuade the reader but to introduce personal beliefs.
How to Write Opinion Essay Topics?
The structure of opinion essays is well-known for mature writers and has an introduction where you state the opinion, a body part that contains facts, and a conclusion. However, finding a good opinion essay topic that gives room for thoughts and inspires creativity is crucial. Nobody forbids you to appeal to professional writers with standard requests like, “Do my paper” or “Write my thesis” and get a perfect quality paper. However, you may not even imagine how exciting writing can be and how many new things you can discover.
The initial task for students is to write an accurate opinion essay topic as a starting point for writing. So there is a plan to follow if you always want to produce catchy opinion essay topics for your essay.
Brainstorm the ideas and stick to a well-known topic that evokes your interest.
Do not select opinion essay topics about which you do not have a clear point of view.
Consider facts that you may present in your paper, then select essay topics.
Put a catchy question in your essay topics to engage the reader in your thoughts.
Remember that nobody knows the content of your writing before reading, so with the help of your opinion essay topic, you may encourage or discourage the audience from reading. You understand the moment that essay topics are like the hallmarks of your work that must grasp the attention from first sight.
How to Select the Best Opinion Essay Topic?
Opinion essay writing may turn out to be a challenging task if you select inappropriate essay topics. Remember that any writing assignment always presupposes some part of research and investigations to collect facts and ideas for perfect content. Moreover, you should clearly understand that the opinion paper topics should correspond to the educational level of the writer. For instance, the question, “Should government control religious practices?” may be suitable for university students but a bit complicated for secondary school.
If you lack creativity or can not define the best suitable topic, you may appeal to the lists prepared for essay topics by experts and borrow some essay topics and ideas to launch the writing process. We are glad to share our samples and inspire you to write.
A List of Opinion Essay Topics
We are eager to assist you with inventing the best opinion essay topics on any occasion. Skim the following list prepared by professional writers, and you will indeed find some exciting and extraordinary ideas that may be used in your case. Remember to select the theme where you have background knowledge and a personal attitude to the discussed issue. Read and inspire.
What is your attitude toward the changes in the ecological situation during the last decades?
Describe your point of view on social media’s impact on people’s minds and behavior.
Why is it important to care about personal cyber security and not to become a victim?
Can financial awareness grow after visiting courses and training, or is it a matter of self-education?
Do wars impact the global economy, and how to minimize the negative impact?
Has nuclear weapons right to exist in the modern world?
How do celebrities provide new trends in fashion using social media, and are they worth following?
Why do people read less nowadays? Is it related to the appearance of social networks?
Electric cars: a new trend or requirement of time.
Spiritual and material things: what makes people really happy?
Opinion Essay Topics for High School Students
High school students are halfway to adulthood and at the threshold of new opportunities. So, the list of opinion essay topics may be related to numerous issues starting from the educational system to global problems related to the economy and climate. At this period, it is high time for educators to select their future vocation and consider aspects that may improve their learning and life.
Can you save the planet by sorting rubbish?
How can GPT chat and other AI-based technologies assist college students?
What subjects are essential for studying, and what will never be of use in adulthood life?
Is distance learning effective for high school students?
What is the right amount of home assignments for students in a high school?
Content maker, blogger, social media coordinator, and others: can these professions displace traditional ones?
Extracurricular activities of college students: what is popular among learners the most?
Moral aspects of personal relationships between student and teacher in college.
Bad habits: personal choice or collective behavior?
What is your opinion concerning cheating: who do you really cheat?
Some Great Examples of Opinion Essay Questions
Suppose you are still searching to find the best opinion essay topic to your liking and can not decide what to prefer history opinion essay topics or appeal to and investigate some public opinion essay topics. In that case, you may turn to the following list. Here you will grasp some bright ideas to develop in your opinion essay.
Who are the world’s leaders, and what is their role in preventing wars?
What issues impact the worsening of public health?
Do natural disasters a warning of nature stopping damaging our planet?
Is it possible to control our minds with social media?
How can we prepare children for the realities of adult life?
Should sexual education be an integral part of the curriculum?
What is your opinion about same-gender marriage?
Is it possible to avoid genetically modified food in today’s world?
Does suicide solve all the problems?
What do people need to be happy?
A Few Examples of Opinion Essay Ideas
If you really want to dive into the world of opinion essay writing and look inside yourself, you need to select a topic according to your personal liking. Such analysis will help you investigate the essay topic and know yourself better. We offer to your attention some ideas that will not leave you indifferent.
Why do people have different lengths of life? Is it fair to die being young?
My attitude to child-free families.
What crimes deserve the death penalty?
Are we addicted to smartphones?
Do we have a moral right to kill other people from the perspective of war and peace?
Conclusion
Opinion essay topics allow you to think over your personal attitude to minor problems and those on a global scale. The right topic encourages writing and develops considerable skills making people reevaluate their attitude to things and people around them. Moreover, expressing your feelings is a great possibility when there is no wish to talk aloud.
Jeremy Clarkson ‘possibly’ fired from ‘Millionaire’ after losing million-pound question on farm
Jeremy Clarkson, the obnoxious host of television quiz show, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?, may or may not have been axed as its presenter.
A TV insider told our entertainment correspondent that gobby fatso,.Jeremy Clarkson, who recently got into bother for saying he dreamt of throwing shit at the Duchess of Windsor,.raised the ire of the show’s producers, not because of his weird fantasy about Meghan Windsor,.but for allegedly losing the answers to the tasteless game show’s million-pound question while he was dicking around on Diddly Squat Farm – his toy 1,000-acre farm in the Cotswolds.
Pugnacious fake farmer Clarkson, who learned all he knows about pigs by being one, was allegedly so busy waving his arms about and shouting at other cast members during filming of a new episode of Diddly Squat Farm called ‘Cash Cow’, that he didn’t notice a piece of paper containing the millionaire question fall out of the back pocket of his jeans which were hanging halfway down his arse.
Phone a friend
The piece of paper was later found by a sheep enthusiast trespassing on Jeremy Clarkson’s farm. The intruder, who wished to remain anonymous, told this reporter “I am enthusiastic about sheep and I like to follow them, usually after dark. I knew that Jeremy Clarkson had North Country Mules and fancied a bit of that. So I went, didn’t I? Anyway, I was up there sniffing around when something crunched under my foot. It was the letter. Not the letter, the question. The million-dollar question. Not million-dollar, million-pound. I didn’t know what to do with it so I phoned Country File host, John Craven, who’s a friend of mine. I sent it to him and he sent it to London.”
50/50
Our TV insider told us that after the sheep enthusiast contacted Sony Pictures Television, Clarkson was called back to London to urgently give an explanation to execs about his carelessness. It is reported that Clarkson may or may not have since been axed as the ‘millionaire’ presenter.
Ask the audience
Do you like Jeremy Clarkson? Write to: doordontilikejeremyclarkson@suffolkgazette.suffolk.
A Suffolk windsurfer narrowly escaped death yesterday after he was attacked by a great white shark off the coast of Thorpeness.
Brian Squirrel (32), a part-time marine biologist and keen surfer,.couldn’t believe his luck – good and bad.– when the fearsome king of the sea emerged from the waves less than 100m away from him.
Unlike normal people who would immediately turn a swim for their lives,.barmy Brian decided to try to capture the shot of his life on his GoPro Hero 8 Aquacam bought for him on his last birthday by his boyfriend, Ian.
The Great White shark – immortalized in the 1975 blockbuster movie, Jaws, is easily the most mimicked fish of all time. With its iconic dorsal fin unconvincingly portrayed with a flat hand projected outwards from the nape of one’s neck,.the menacing mock pursuit of an unsuspecting Californian bather can be playfully reenacted whilst simultaneously repeating the ‘dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun’ marcato cello hits synonymous with the movie’s ominous theme tune.
Throng and thongs
As the semiaquatic drama unfolded, terrified onlookers watched from the shore,.gasping, pointing, and covering their mouths as Brian turned his sailboard towards the giant man-woman-and-child-eating Mackerel.
Sensing Brian’s audacious move, the oversized fish re-submerged. Back on the beach, much breath was held by the throng of beachcombers,.bathers, and nudists watching the enthralling man V shark encounter developing before them.
Moments seemed like minutes as the invisible water-predator cunningly concealed itself.betwixt the salt, seaweed, and sludge of the rubbish-filled North Sea. Finally, the unbearable tension of the stand-off was broken when the killer fish’s dorsal fin re-emerged at speed, metres from Brian’s wobbling sailboard.
As the deadly chondrichthyan’s conical snout rose from the bubbling wake,.revealing jagged rows of vicious, serrated teeth inside a gaping cavernous mouth, the utterly unexpected and implausible happened.
Identified Flying Object
From out of nowhere arrived Ed Sheeran, captaining his £30 million flying saucer. Whooshing out of the sky at break-neck speed, and with multicoloured lights flashing around.the circumference of his craft, he gave a quick thumbs-up to the cheering crowd gathered below.
After a quick loop-the-loop, he maneuvered his I.F.O. back out to sea and,.with pinpoint precision, fired two laser beams straight into the killer shark causing it to explode into a million pieces. Hero Sheeran did a quick victory pass before heading back to his studio to finish recording the vocals to his next big chart hit.
A relieved Squirrel was assisted to the beach by members of the crowd but unfortunately,.his boyfriend had forgotten to buy batteries for his GoPro, so no footage of the event was captured.
NOTICE: No Sharks were harmed during the writing of this story.
It is no secret that the popularity of online casinos has grown tremendously in the past few years. And it did not affect individual regions. This is a worldwide trend, because in Canada, the United States, Asia and Europe the demand for online gambling services demonstrates the dynamics of demand growth. What is the reason for this excitement? How temporary is this phenomenon and how long will this growth in demand last? There are many reasons and we have chosen the most important ones. Today let’s analyze why online casino packs are so popular and at what point it happened.
The impact of the covid-19 pandemic on casinos
Casinos, both online and land-based, have always been there, from small gaming clubs to huge global halls. Gradually, they started going online to be accessible to all comers, because there are countries where land-based casinos were simply absent or illegal.
And the pandemic made adjustments to the industry. In late 2019, early 2020, the world was swept by a wave of the virus, which is still there and moved into the category of “seasonal diseases”, but its impact on gambling remained unchanged. As everywhere were announced restrictive measures for visitors, land-based casinos were forced to stop operations, to limit the number of allowed players in the halls. Naturally, all this did not go in favor of the companies. Some went bankrupt, but the most courageous – switched to the online format.
It was the online format that saved the industry during the pandemic, giving it a new stage of development.
Users simply had no other option to immerse themselves in the casino atmosphere than online formats and venues. Brands and casino owners picked up on the trend and began to quickly reformat their business into a digital format. They succeeded, and quite successfully. Covid closed people at home for almost 2 years and all this time the industry grew, new users came thanks to advice from acquaintances, advertising integrations and from banal boredom, looking for something new.
The casinos were not standing still either, as they understood that at the beginning of 2020 their systems were not perfect and it was necessary to actively develop them and introduce something new, from bonuses to exclusive games.
Development of mobile gaming
This is the second factor that served as a starting point in the formation of the online casino sector and its frenzied popularity. Generally speaking, it is impossible to say that one or the other factor holds any place. It is a set of situations that coincided at a certain point in time and brought the sphere of gambling to what it is now.
Coming back to mobile gambling, it should be noted that the mobile gaming market occupies more than 50% of the gaming market. According to statistics, more than 60% of users use exactly smartphones for gaming, not PCs, not tablets, but exactly smartphones as the main device.
In 2012-2014, users played mostly on their PCs and laptops, then with the development of technology and the increasing power of mobile devices, phones began to displace PCs for a number of factors:
Portability and convenience;
Powerful iron in the phone, which allows you to play even online shooters and “royal battles”;
A large variety of games;
Additional features in the form of authorization via biometrics (fingerprints, Face-id);
Cheapness of mobile devices and wide range of models. For 300-400 USD, a user can afford a medium-powered device that will allow you to play most of the current projects, even if not on Ultra graphics settings.
Online casinos clearly understood the market trend and began to actively port their products to mobile devices. Whereas until then only a portion of games were available to gamblers, with the onset of the pandemic, casinos weren’t just developing mobile versions of sites, but full-fledged applications that could give players a new experience and experience.
Since smartphones had enough power, the applications were not inferior to the full-fledged PC versions of the sites, if not more interesting.
The technical base alone was not enough, a motivational base was needed. Did it exist? Of course there was. The casinos understood that users had to be motivated to use mobile devices, so they developed a separate system of bonuses for both new sites and $5 deposit casinos that were in the industry for a long time.
Casino sign-up bonuses through a mobile app come in a variety of variations:
Free freespins for registering through a mobile app;
Deposit bonuses for registration via mobile app;
No deposit bonuses in the form of freespins for registration through mobile apps;
First login bonuses via mobile app;
Bonuses and nice gifts for users sharing their achievements on social media using the mobile app.
Earnings Opportunity
Back to the pandemic and the financial situation of many people who were left at home, with no opportunity to make money. Yes, many have decided to try their hand at online casinos and make money. There are two aspects to consider here: payment methods and payouts, and winnings.
Let’s start with casino winnings. Due to the variety of sites and conditions, new customers could play for not big bets and not big amounts. There appeared a large number of sites with the option of making a minimum deposit, such as $10 deposit casino, multiplying it (with welcome bonuses) by 2, or even 3 times.
Casinos have become more accessible through their offers and programs for newcomers. This attracts customers, but what about those who have never played? For them, there is a demo mode of machines, where they can try slots, roulette, dice and other entertainment options without investing.
Demo mode allows you to understand the mechanics, develop a strategy or test the workability of strategies from the Internet. It turns out a kind of practical simulator for beginners.
And now let’s move on to the aspect of payments and replenishments. The casinos have worked out a detailed financial system in their sector. If previously, to make a deposit, you had to have either a bank card or some unique payment method, today, the gambler can use anything he wants. The standard list of deposit payment options includes the following means:
Bank cards from Visa;
Bank cards from MasterCard;
Cards can be either debit or credit cards;
Digital wallets Skrill, Neteller, Easypay and others.
Separately, we can also mention the cryptocurrency casino sector, where players can easily fund their accounts using cryptocurrency transfers. Moreover, online casinos offered customers not just transfers in BTC, USDT, ETH, but in dozens of different coins.
Recall that the heyday of online gambling also came with the rise of cryptocurrency. Crypto gambling became very profitable for both sides. And yes, the casino’s withdrawal rule: withdraw funds the same way you deposited them. Therefore, the gambler, having deposited 1 bitcoin worth $24k, could withdraw his winnings in the future already in the form of the same bitcoin, only at a favorable rate of $45k.
New formats of games
Since we talked about the fact that the sphere is developing and the developers have to make bold steps, you can not ignore the development of the technical base in terms of games. If the usual slots (no matter how classic they are) get bored with the gamblers, what else can they give them? So began the development of interesting projects such as Live Casino with real dealers.
Yes, that’s right, the real dealers, not actors or graphics, but the real professionals from the world of casinos, who were forced to go on “vacation” because of the pandemic.
The essence of this format is that the user entered a room that conveys the atmosphere of a real casino. In front of him stood the dealer and held the distribution of cards, roulette wheel, throwing dice. Everything as in real life.
These projects do not just give gamblers the opportunity to feel again in the conditions of a land-based casino, but also gave a new experience with each other.
Automatons like aviator or crash games were the next revelation of the industry. Maximally simple automata that bring the user huge winnings. They were the hit of 2022 and attracted a huge number of new audiences to the sites.
Hypersensitive manbaby and Prince of Los Angeles, Harry Windsor, is showing no signs of growing up despite the passing of time.
The touchy ginger, who turned his back on his family after he discovered them to be in league with the devil, has reportedly been pissing and moaning about his evil father’s decision to kick him and wife, Cinderella, out of Frogmore Cottage, their grace and favour five-bedroom mansion within the Windsor Estate.
Repossessed by the Devil
Sinister King Charles made the decision to evict his second, uneeded son after his repeated bitch-slapping of his Queen Consort and bit of country crumpet, Camilla in his malevolent memoir Spare. Reportedly, the Sussexes of Los Angeles have been told to get their shit out by Tuesday of next week.
Putting on a brave face, but unable to conceal his innate immaturity, Harry yesterday marked World Book Day by reluctantly agreeing to pose with a giant copy of his autobiography at a testy photo opportunity organized by the Rohald Dahl Thought Police Association in New York City. Sporting a new comb-over hairstyle, a fresh-faced, yet somewhat grouchy Harold, proceeded to autograph copies of his best-selling book by dipping his thumb into pots of coloured paint and imprinting his mark on the inside covers.
Following a few rounds of ‘Humpty Dumpty’, and an updated version of ‘Jack & Jill’ called ‘Harry & Meghan’ (Harry & Meghan went up the hill to fetch a massive paycheck, Harry fell down and broke his crown, and Meghan came thundering after), the nitpicking Prince, bent his giant book cover in half, stamped his foot, and marched petulantly out of the door.
A man who had his Tesco Clubcard tattooed onto his arm has been branded a fool by his wife.
Brian Pettifer (40) from Long Melford in Suffolk thought it would be a good idea to have the QR code inked into his forearm after he kept forgetting his Clubcard and losing out on points. However, his wife, Sharon, thinks otherwise. She told us “He’s a tit. How much do you think the tattoo cost? £85. EIGHTY-FIVE POUND. And how much has he made back in Clubcard points? £18.25. Tit.”
Brian visits Tesco twice a day during the week, once to buy a meal deal on his way to work, and again to buy fags, chocolate, booze, and dog food on his way home. Despite the regularity of his visits, we calculated that due to the minuscule amount of points awarded for the items on his list (you get nothing for fags), it would take Brian 634 years to recoup the money he wasted spent on the tattoo.
Sharon wasn’t finished
Sharon wasn’t finished and added “No only is he a tit, he’s a bastard as well. He hasn’t got any tattoos of me. Nothin’. Nothin’ what says ‘Sharon forever’, or ‘Shaz & Bri’, or a nice picture of me or nuffin’. Bastard.”
Despite his lack of tattoos of Sharon, Brian, a professional labourer, does have many more spread across his muscular, yet dust-covered body. His upper right arm displays the skeleton of a polar bear which he had done to commemorate a traumatic trip he made to Colchester zoo as a child, while his forearm is ringed with a repeating, meaningless faux Aztec design. His left pectoral muscle is emblazoned with a large picture of a Staffordshire Bull Terrier chewing a baby’s arm, and his neck is imprinted with the name ‘Tina’ (?)
Gormless
Brian doesn’t speak very well due to not having many teeth but we think he said this: “Oi gart me one more tat. Oi gart me moi Nectar bar code tattooed so oi can get Nectar points n’arl.”
