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Eggsluts prefer ‘easy-lay’ eggs

The Editor
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Eggsluts prefer ‘easy-lay’ eggs
Eggsluts prefer ‘easy-lay’ eggs

I like eggs. Eggs on toast, egg and chips, boiled eggs etc. Does that make me an eggslut?

Well, let’s see…

We all know what an egg is, and the word ‘slut’ actually describes a woman with low standards of cleanliness. Quite why a man (or a transgender for that matter) with low standards of cleanliness doesn’t qualify is not made clear. So an ‘eggslut’ is, let’s say… a person with low standards of cleanliness in respect of their relationship with eggs.

Slutty side up

I don’t know about you, but when I cook eggs, there is usually some residual mess involved. A pan with some escaped albumen burnt to the outside edge, some butter spatter up the tiled hob surround, and some cooked albumen stuck harder than Gorilla glue to the edge of the egg slice. And all that is before I even try to flip the egg. So on the basis of hygiene, I am definitely an eggslut.

Over-easy-lay eggs

However, whether or not I would invest millions of dollars in a restaurant chain based on my sloppy egg-making is a different matter entirely, but that is exactly what the proprietors of the international food chain ‘eggslut’ did – with great success. Founded in New York city in 2017, eggslut has been pleasing its egg-loving clientele with its signature dish “The Slut”, a coddled egg on pureed potatoes, as well as numerous artisan egg sandwiches such as ‘the Fairfax’, a cage-free soft scrambled egg, chive, cheddar cheese and onion sanger with sriracha mayo in a warm brioche bun. Mmmmm!

However you like your eggs, we can agree that no amount of them is too much. And just like a woman who enjoys sex, dirty or otherwise, with one partner, or many, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a slut.

Sexy spectral seductress scandalises Suffolk skies

The Editor
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Sexy spectral seductress scandalises Suffolk skies
Sexy spectral seductress scandalises Suffolk skies

Ever looked up into the sky and seen a horse? What about a guitar? A lawnmower?

If the answer is yes, then you have either dropped a tab of LCD or you are suffering from pareidolia.

Pareidolia is the scientific term for the perception of familiar objects seen in random places, most famously in the tea leaves at the bottom of your teacup. Recognizing shapes or famous faces in the branches of a tree or in cloud formations is a common phenomenon.

Have you guessed what it is yet?

The word ‘pareidolie’ was first phrased by the 19th Century German psychiatrist, Karl Ludwig Kahlbaum in his paper ‘On Delusions of the Senses’ after he saw what he believed to be the arse of Theodoric the Great in a half-eaten jam doughnut. Dead celebrity paedophile and amateur artist, Rolf Harris, suffered from pareidolia from the age of five when he was first diagnosed with having three legs.

So when, on a long afternoon out boozing with his mates, Brian Festoon, 57, a retired cheese grater from Tannington in mid-Suffolk, looked up into the open skies above the Greengrocer’s Arms, and saw the image of a beautiful naked woman drawn out in the clouds, he knew straight away that he had a touch of the Pareidolias.

Cloudy boob

Dropping his pint of Rosie’s Pig cloudy cider, and reaching into his jeans pocket, Brian pulled out his phone and fumbled with it until he had engaged its camera mode. Carefully aiming the lens at the whispy seductress above him, he snapped the shutter and captured the most perfect rendering of an altocumulus arse ever seen by a human man.

Nothing lasts forever though, and before Brian’s mates could make it outside, the vapoury vixen had dissipated and dispersed across the breadth of the hazy Suffolk Sky. Apparently, one of her tits was spotted over Framlingham later that afternoon.

Innovative Ways to Increase Immersion When Playing Online Casinos

The Editor
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Innovative Ways to Increase Immersion When Playing Online Casinos

If you’re looking for ways to alter your online casino gaming experience – fear not! There are plenty of innovative ways to take your gameplay to the next level. Whether it’s through stunning graphics or sound design, we’ve got you covered. Get ready to dive into the world of online casinos like never before.

Innovative Ways to Increase Immersion When Playing Online Casinos
Image credit: Unsplash

How To Increase Immersion While Playing Online Casinos

Typically, online casino gaming refers to the act of playing casino classics via the internet using a computer or mobile device. For instance, the online casino at Paddy Power offers slots, poker, and baccarat along with a myriad of other casino games. This form of gaming has become increasingly popular in recent years due to its convenience and accessibility. 

While the readily available games are already immersive, you can always try to take it a step further. First of all, find a quiet and comfortable space where you can focus on the game without any distractions as it will allow for better concentration and engagement with the game. Once that is done, opt for games that you find more enjoyable to increase the likelihood of becoming fully engrossed in them.

In addition, take advantage of features such as live dealers or chat rooms which allow for interaction with other players. This not only adds to the social aspect of online gaming but also helps create a more realistic atmosphere just like brick-and-mortar casinos.

One of the most important aspects of online casino gaming is the incorporation of high-quality graphics along with sound. The visual and auditory experience can make or break your immersion in a game, which ultimately affects the enjoyment and likelihood to return.

Make sure to adjust visual settings such as screen size and graphics quality to ensure optimal display of the game as graphics play a significant role in creating an immersive experience for you. This is because high-quality images that reflect real-life scenarios can help draw you efficiently into the game’s world. Additionally, well-designed animations can enhance gameplay by providing feedback on various in-game situations entertainingly.

Sound also plays a crucial part in enhancing immersion when playing online casinos, so consider wearing gaming headphones or investing in high-quality speakers accordingly. Sound effects like bells ringing when hitting jackpots or cards shuffling add to the feeling of being present at a physical casino. 

Music that fits with the theme of each game further enhances this immersive experience by transporting players to different worlds. Alternatively, you can create your own custom playlist to enjoy alongside any game you choose to play. 

Innovative Ways to Increase Immersion When Playing Online Casinos
Image credit: Unsplash

By implementing these tips while playing online, you can fully engulf yourself in each game thereby enhancing your overall gameplay experience! Many tactics can help you thoroughly immerse yourself in the world of online casino gaming, from paying attention to graphics and sound to enjoying live games. So why not give some different approaches a try today and see which ones are most effective for you? Happy gaming!

Irish Passports: UK Finally Finds Cure For Its Queuing Culture

The Editor
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Irish Passports: UK Finally Finds Cure For Its Queuing Culture
Irish Passports: UK Finally Finds Cure For Its Queuing Culture

Thousands of Brits are done mourning in their long, non-EU passport queues. They’re on the hunt for makeshift shortcuts: combing through their family trees and digging up their parents’ birth certificates in a desperate quest to find some distant Irish relative. One drop of Irish in the blood could be enough to claim citizenship if push comes to shove. Alternatively, it’s always worth a Google if you’re looking to naturalize, by law, and claim your Irish passport that way. 

However, it turns out that bizarrely, Ireland proves to be a lot more than just a scapegoat for Brits with a hint of the Irish in their ancestry. Apparently, Ireland can offer more than just a maroon passport with EU status intact.

If you find yourself yearning for a change of pace and a whole lot of green, look no further than Ireland. We’re exploring the ins and outs of moving from the UK to the land of (actually decent) Guinness, four-leaf clovers (if you’re lucky), and buttered soda bread.  

Embracing the “Craic”

When you arrive in Ireland, be prepared to dive headfirst into the “craic” – the Irish term for fun and entertainment. You’ll quickly realize that the Irish have an incredible sense of humor, so it’s essential to bring your wit with you. Master the art of banter, learn a few classic Irish jokes, and you’ll be welcomed into the fold with open arms (and maybe earn a cheeky pint of Guinness or two).

Adjusting to the Irish Accent

Ah, the Irish accent. It’s a symphony of melodic tones and rolling R’s voted one of the world’s most attractive accents. While you might think you’ve mastered the Queen’s English, understanding the locals in Ireland puts your grasp of your own language to the ultimate test. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself nodding and smiling, pretending to understand, but don’t worry – it’s a culture shock north and southern English people find every time they venture to the other end of the country. 

Don’t Skimp on The Legals 

Now, let’s address the serious side. When navigating the legal aspects of moving to Ireland, immigration solicitors in Ireland aren’t just handing out these passports like candy. A trusty legal eagle will guide you through the extensive paperwork, ensuring a smooth transition to a new Irish life made more permanent. From visas to residency permits and eventually citizenship, they’ll handle the fine details so you can crack on with the craic (just Google it).

Don’t Skimp on The Legals 

Tea, Potatoes, and… Rain?

One cannot discuss moving to Ireland without acknowledging a few of those classic cultural concepts. Yes, the Irish do love their tea, and potatoes are a staple of the diet. And let’s not forget the weather! Rain is as much a part of Irish life as the rolling green hills. Pack your best raincoat, because you might not be queuing up for passport checks should you choose to go for citizenship after a while, but you will almost always be jogging out of the rain. Remember, an Irish rain shower is just nature’s way of reminding you to appreciate the moments of sunshine that follow.

Embrace the “craic,” prepare for a sprinkle of rain, and if you fall in love with Ireland along the way (and why wouldn’t you?), you don’t have to go it alone! Sláinte!

The UK rejoices over the potential for a 24-hour Greggs

The Editor
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The UK rejoices over the potential for a 24-hour Greggs
The UK rejoices over the potential for a 24-hour Greggs

Ever craved a steak bake from Greggs in the middle of the night? A midnight snack from Greggs could soon be a reality following reports the firm has applied for a 24-hour operating licence for its store in Canterbury, Kent. Canterbury City Council received the application in the last few weeks, which also includes provision for a delivery service, running from 11pm to 5am, seven days a week.

Owners of McDonald’s franchises will no doubt be quaking in their boots at the thought of Greggs stores staying open through the night nationwide. McDonald’s has long enjoyed a monopoly over the late-night cuisine market, alongside the independent kebab, fried chicken and burger stores, which line our stomachs with questionable fare. However, this could soon be coming to an end if the premier pastry barons have their way.

Greggs is an outlier compared with much of the UK economy at present

Greggs has fared strongly in recent years as consumers have inched closer towards value food offerings amid the ongoing cost-of-living crisis. The value of Greggs’ share price has risen over 6% in the last six months to July 2023, but even though the nation adores its hot sausage rolls, its pastry may not be enough to help the FTSE 250 of which it’s now part of.

The FTSE 250 index consists of the top 250 UK companies based on market value, of which Greggs is now comfortably one of those. The FTSE 250 is, therefore, more volatile and susceptible to developments in the UK economy, with inflation rampant in the last 12-to-18 months. There are a lot of “will market recover from inflation” stories doing the rounds at present, but the power of pastry and Greggs alone won’t be enough to prevent interest rates from rising further or at least remaining high.

UK economy teetering on a knife edge as Bank of England grapples with inflation

At the start of 2022, Greggs charged £1.05 for a fresh sausage roll. In early January 2023, that price has since risen beyond £1.20. That’s a rise of 15p, which on the face of it, doesn’t sound like it’ll break anyone’s bank account. However, when you consider that’s a 12-month price rise of 14.2%, it’s symptomatic of how food prices have risen across the board for British households.

UK economy teetering on a knife edge as Bank of England grapples with inflation

Critics of the Bank of England feel its Monetary Policy Committee (MPC) was slow on the uptake to accept the existence of inflation and the need to hike interest rates post-pandemic. The Bank of England’s governor, Andrew Bailey, previously described inflation as being “transitory” for the UK economy. However, the MPC’s worst fears were realised as food and beverage price inflation peaked at around 19% in April 2023. Meanwhile, volatile energy and oil prices also caused a major hit to the finances of households and businesses up and down the UK.

As a result, the MPC has rapidly hiked interest rates from all-time lows of 0.1% to 5% within the space of 18 months. Unfortunately for the British economy, the MPC doesn’t look like it’s stopping there either. With inflation still appearing sticky in the most recent May figures, the Bank of England looks set to hike rates a further 0.25%-0.5% in early August.

The financial markets believe UK interest rates could peak as high as 6.5%, although swap rates for the British pound suggest it could be closer to 6%. Nevertheless, this will have serious implications for mortgages, escalating the cost of home ownership and eating into the disposable income of households for several years to come.

That doesn’t appear to be stopping Greggs in their tracks, though. By 2026, the retailer hopes to have doubled its sales figures posted in 2021. Its 24-hour licence and investment in increasing its store portfolio will go a long way to cementing Greggs as Britain’s bakery behemoth.

Starving Africans return donated Sports Direct mugs

The Editor
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Starving Africans return donated Sports Direct mugs
Starving Africans return donated Sports Direct mugs

A batch of sports direct mugs sent as part of a shipment of humanitarian aid to starving African children has been returned with a firm ‘Mahadsanid laakiin maya mahadsanid’ (‘thanks but no thanks’.)

According to Ipfam – the Ipswich version of Oxfam – the famished children of Ethiopia refused the 1,000 donated mugs because they were “Aad ugu dhaggan Afrika” (‘too tacky for Africa’.)

The cheap, oversized ‘in yer face’ ceramic mugs featuring the brand’s high-impact, primary-coloured logo, are a feature of kitchen cupboards in homes, businesses, and schools up and down the UK.

Also popular with white van men from across the manual labour sector, the basic mugs are ideal for delivering approximately two quarts of workmen’s tea which can be glugged at leisure by plumbers, chippies, roofers etc. instead of actually getting on with the job in hand.

The greatest love of all (Jacaylka ugu weyn dhammaan)

Upon receiving the shipment back at their Shirebrook, depot, a spokesperson for Sports Direct told the SUFFOLK GAZETTE that they had made the donation as a gesture of goodwill and regret any offence caused to the Africans.

Caroline Peterson, Head of ESG Compliance said, “Our intention was to relieve the suffering of the impoverished, poorly-educated children of Ethiopia who have been starving since the 80s. We believe that children are the future.

Teach them well, and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess inside. And if they fancy a cuppa every now and then, then let them have one. We thought the mugs would help. Sorry!”

F*ck that for a game of pirates (Ku qas in ciyaarta budhcad-badeedda)

The Editor of the SUFFOLK GAZETTE asked me to visit Somalia – on a boat – to interview some of the starving people who didn’t want the mugs. Unfortunately, I accidentally (ahem!) missed the embarkation and had to telephone instead. After about fourteen hours of being transferred, put on hold, etc. (who knew the dialling code for Somalia is +252?) I finally got to speak to twelve-year-old Bishaaro Cabdi, with the permission of her father, Eric Cabdi.

The Cabdi family are members of the Kanami tribe. They live in Tigray, one of the poorest areas of Ethiopia where food is often scarce. When I spoke to Bishaaro, her family of twelve had, since last Wednesday, only had half packet of stale Jacob’s Cream Crackers and a handful of pickled onions to eat between them.

I asked Bishaaro, why did the townsfolk return the Sports Direct mugs?

Struggling to make her tiny, frail voice heard on the crackling phone line, she slowly replied, “Waxaa laga yaabaa inaan nahay sabool iyo gaajo laakiin ma nihin kuwo fucking quus ah.” (‘We may be poor and hungry but we are not that fucking desperate.’)

Fair enough.

Three quid ‘a ride’ on the No 65 Bus

The Editor
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Three quid ‘a ride’ on the No 65 Bus
Three quid ‘a ride’ on the No 65 Bus

Fancy an all-day ride for three quid on the no 65 bus? Read on…

With the never-ending, ever-upward-spiralling cost-of-living crisis continuing apace, it is becoming something of a free-for-all down at the bottom end of the social hierarchy. In the old days of regular, ‘everyday’ poverty; rats, white van men, pizza delivery drivers and shop assistants would compete for every pound spent in their communities, and everyone was just able to scrape a living together, more or less.

Not anymore. Now, in 2028, the outside world has truly become a jungle. Working-class communities now resemble zoos – at feeding time, with everyone from milkmen, fishmongers, funeral directors and park keepers locked in a violent struggle against one another in a bid to secure resources. It’s dog eat dog out there (or ‘les chiens mangent les chiens’ as they say in France, where social unrest is the norm).

I blame the Tories

Now, adding to the social disharmony, a row has erupted between the prostitutes and bus drivers of Ipswich. With more and more prostitutes of all three sexes roaming the streets in search of cheap tricks, a war over territory has broken out between these two similar, but distinct social groups.

Slag with a fag

It all started one night when Julie Glossop, 60, a well-known trollop who had worked Ipswich’s red light district for donkeys’ years, decided to ply her trade at a bus stop on Portman Road. Going about his job, Reg Gray, a bus driver who worked the number 65 route that stopped in Portman Road, pulled over to let Julie on.

The no 65 bus

Not realizing that the slag with a fag was not interested in taking the bus – but was at the stop waiting for potential alighting punters – Reg called out “Three quid, love” – that being the price of the bus fare. Satisfied with the offer, and stubbing out her fag on the underside of her stiletto shoe, the old spunker replied, “Oh, go on then. Am I coming up there or are you coming down here?” Baffled by the reply, Reg insisted that the skanky old whore would have to get on the bus which, begrudgingly, she did. 

What a bus-tard

This reporter, has managed to get hold of the security video taken from inside the bus which reveals what happened next…

RG      Three quid then, love.

JG        What d’you mean?

RG      It’s three quid… for the ride.

JG        Yeah, I know, but you pay me.

RG      What d’you mean?

JG        You pay me.

RG      What d’you mean ‘you pay me’? You pay me.

JG        What d’you mean ‘I pay you’? Why would I fucking pay you? You’re fat and bald. You pay me.

RG      Listen, love. If you want a ride then you fucking pay me, alright?

JG        I’m not fucking paying you, you fat basstard. Now fucking pay me or I’m fucking getting off.

RG      Fucking get off then, you old slag, I don’t give a fuck.

JG        I fucking will. I were only gonna give you a wank anyways you rude basstard.

For a good time at a great price, call: Julie Glossop (035482) 3847 3937469696969

Brawl Erupts Mid-Air During Rwanda-Bound Asylum Party Flight

The Editor
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Brawl Erupts Mid-Air During Rwanda-Bound Asylum Party Flight
Brawl Erupts Mid-Air During Rwanda-Bound Asylum Party Flight

A commercial airline ‘party flight’ bound for Rwanda transformed into a chaotic scene as a fierce brawl broke out among celebrating economic migrants.

The incident, which unfolded on Flight ECHR346 from London to the Rwandan capital, Kigali. Left passengers terrified and crew members struggling to restore order. The ‘disco 747’ was chartered by the UK Government as a surprise treat for one-hundred and fifty bogus asylum seekers celebrating not being deported – to Rwanda.

Boyz II Men

Eyewitnesses reported that the trouble began when a heated argument erupted between two individuals allegedly over their respective ages. The men – who appeared to be in their late twenties.– were heard to claim that they were actually 14-year-old schoolchildren,.despite the fact that they both had short, dark beards and were drinking alcoholic beverages.

Apparently, neither man was able to convince the other of their claim to childhood,.even though this was accepted without question by the UK border force. The argument quickly escalated into a full-blown physical altercation when one man pulled down.the other’s trousers to reveal a fully formed adult penis and a pair of humongous hairy bollocks.

Rwanda migrants safety

Passengers (rwanda migrants), caught off guard by the sudden outbreak of violence. Feared for their safety as punches were thrown and shouting filled the cabin. Flight attendants promptly sprung into action,.attempting to quell the situation and separate the brawling migrants.– some of whom were still wearing life preservers utilized on their small boat journeys across the English Channel.

Desperate cries for calm in several languages reverberated throughout the aircraft, further adding to the panic and confusion.

The pilot, informed of the disturbance, swiftly made the decision to turn up the disco music.being piped into the cabin although his choice of disco classic “Rock the Boat“.by The Hues Corporation surprised some on board.

Blood on the dancefloor

Several passengers sustained minor injuries during the skirmish, and, apart from an attempted stabbing, which resulted in one successful asylum seeker having two bottles of Chevalier Alexis Lichine Malbec (£6.25 each or two for £10) shoved up his arsehole, no life-threatening injuries were reported.

Following the intervention of several flight crew and courageous passengers (rwanda migrants), the fracas was eventually brought to an end and the combatants were subdued.

Airline authorities have expressed their deep regret over the incident and assured concerned passengers that they are taking the matter seriously. An investigation is currently underway to determine the cause of the violence and to ensure that similar asylum disco flights are better managed in the future.

This unsettling incident serves as a stark reminder of the importance of maintaining decorum and restraint during air travel, emphasizing the need for passengers (rwanda migrants) of all immigration statuses, to adhere to established rules and regulations for the safety and comfort of all onboard.

As if.

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