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Halloween sweets turn sour in Saxmundham

Halloween sweets turn sour in Saxmundham

SAXMUNDHAM, SUFFOLK – A cantankerous old curmudgeon hatched a plan to ward off the young trick-or-treaters (Halloween sweets) who dared to darken his doorstep this Halloween.

By Colin Allcabs, Consumer Editor

Miserable old git, Gareth Stonegrinder, 86 from Saxmundham was so determined to enjoy the evening of 31st October in solitude that he devised an ingenious scheme to deter the neighborhood children who just wanted a bit of spooky fun. In place of the usual festive decorations and candy-filled pumpkin baskets, Stonegrinder left a single dirty dish of sweets, accompanied by a note that read, “Take one and fuck off.”

Cheap night out

Youngsters, dressed in an array of cheap, imported Halloween-themed costumes from Poundland were reduced to tears by the mean-spiritedness of the grizzly old bastard’s message. Disgusted parents were left to console their little ones, while others wondered why they hadn’t thought of leaving similar greetings on their own doorsteps.

Locals were quick to condemn the octogenarian’s ghastly Halloween stunt, describing it as “unnecessarily harsh” and “crushing the spirit of the season.” Others, who had believed the rumours about Stonegrinder being a convicted paedophile were surprised he hadn’t been more welcoming to the neighborhood’s youngsters. In retaliation, some teenagers contemplated organizing a “Trick or Trick” campaign, with plans to bombard his doorstep with dog shit and used condoms.

Mr. Stonegrinder, however, seemed unfazed by the controversy. When questioned through his letterbox about his actions, he yelled, “Halloween is a load of shit. Imported American crap. There are no such things as ghosts. Why can’t those kids just get their sweets from their own parents, or better still get a paper round and buy their own? I just want to be left in peace to watch my Jane Fonda workout videos, OK?”

Did your kids accidentally knock at a paedophile’s door this Halloween? Send your pictures to

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