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Mod’s scooter laden with so many accessories it can’t move

The Editor
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Mod’s scooter laden with so many accessories it can’t move

Mods and scooters
A middle-aged mod has admitted he has attached so many headlights and mirrors to his scooter that it now can’t move.

Barry ‘The Face’ Smith, of Lowestoft in Suffolk, says he got a bit carried away with accessorising his Lambretta, which struggled to reach any sort of speed in the first place.

“Now it is so weighed down that the bloody thing does not move at all,” he explained.

Factory worker Mr Smith, 58, who wears a green parka coat with a target on the back together with numerous patches of The Jam and The Who, said he now just used the scooter to sit on.

“I can’t go anywhere on it unless I remove all the lights and mirrors, as well as the long aerial on the back with a rabbit tail tied on top. But then I’d just be left with a scooter, and that would be shit.”

Mr Smith’s wife, Jane is annoyed with the 60s machine. “The mirrors make it so wide he can no longer take it around the side of the house. So it sits out in the front garden and all the kids make fun of it on their way to school.”

Scooters for mods

Ipswich Town release League One guide book

The Editor
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Ipswich Town release League One guide book

Ipswich Town have published a special League One guide book to help long-suffering fans plan their journeys next season.

As the team plunge towards relegation, and after announcing increases in season ticket prices, the Town board hope the special £3.99 guide book will bring in much-needed revenue.

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The book, available now in the club shop, is packed with fascinating details about the exotic locations Town will be playing at next season, including Rochdale, Northampton, Oldham and Bury.

Ipswich Town Guide to League OneHandy guide: What to do in League One

An insider at Portman Road said: “It looks increasingly likely we will be in League One next season, so we thought it would be helpful to educate the fans on the places we will be visiting.

“While researching the book, we were continually surprised by the quality of entertainment and things to do in League One. We’re quite looking forward to it.”

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Supporters will be snapping up the book as they look forward to their first ever season in League One. Today’s embarrassing defeat at Cardiff means Ipswich have won just twice in three months, and now sit in 17th place in the Championship.

If that wasn’t bad enough, there is near revolt on the terraces over the season ticket price rises announced this week.

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North Sea haddock disappointed he’ll no longer be caught and eaten

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North Sea haddock disappointed he’ll no longer be caught and eaten

By Courtney Pike, Fishing Correspondent

A North Sea haddock has spoken of his disappointment that he may no longer be caught and sent to a fish and chip chop.

Harry the haddock, aged four, is one of the remaining North Sea haddocks to be listed as unsustainable for fishing , meaning he’ll have to swim around on his own for a while longer.

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The 2.5lb Harry, who lives around five miles off the Suffolk coast, said he now had very little to look forward to.

“What’s the point of swimming around pointlessly in the forlorn hope of finding a mate and having some kids? There are not enough of us left, and I don’t fancy getting hitched to a cod.”

Harry the North Sea haddockFeeling battered: Harry the haddock at his palatial North Sea home

Harry added: “You may think we are just haddocks, but we have feelings and to be honest I’d rather just end it all by being hauled up in a giant net, then shipped to Lowestoft to be eaten in a fish shop by some ghastly human.”

Haddock from the North Sea and the west of Scotland were taken off a list of sustainable “fish to eat” by the Marine Conservation Society this week, which downgraded the fish from its Good Fish Guide after stocks in the North Sea and West of Scotland fell.

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Harry said it had been three weeks since he last saw a fellow haddock.

“I used to be part of a gang. We’d hang around together, calling ourselves the Haddock Massive, but the rest of them have all gone. I wanted to go with them, but now the trawlermen are staying away so it will never happen.”

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Norfolk MPs in crisis over family staff ban

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Norfolk MPs in crisis over family staff ban

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

New rules banning MPs from employing family members will cause chaos in Norfolk, it has emerged.

The remote rural county’s eight MPs have revealed they will find it impossible to find anyone locally who isn’t a relative.

Now Bubba Spuckler, the Conservative MP for Downham Market, is writing to Prime Minister Theresa May urging that Norfolk be made an exception.

He told the Suffolk Gazette: “I live with my sister and our eight children, and employ my other sister, who is also my mother, as a secretary and the keeper of my diary.

“There is no one within ten miles of my constituency who is not a Spuckler family member, so what am I to do?”

Downham Market MP Bubba SpucklerFamily concern: Downham Market MP Bubba Spuckler

The new rules forbid MPs from hiring family members at the taxpayers’ expense after claims many were, in reality, being paid for doing very little – or nothing at all – and the system was open to abuse.

A spokesman for Mrs May said: “We appreciate the new rules will cause issues in Norfolk. But let’s face it, the MPs there do not need to hire someone to deal with correspondence, because hardly anyone in Norfolk can write.”

Muirfield golf club welcomes Nicola Sturgeon as first lady member

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Muirfield golf club welcomes Nicola Sturgeon as first lady member

Nicola Sturgeon Muirfield vote

By Sandy Driver, Golf Correspondent

Nicola Sturgeon has become the first ladies member of stuffy Muirfield golf club after it finally voted to allow women to join.

More than 80% if the club’s crusty male members agreed to permit women to join them, a decision which will mean the Open Championship can return to the Scottish course.

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Mrs Sturgeon said she absolutely loved it when organisations kept re-running referendums until they got the right result, and was keen to show her support now that Muirfield golf club had done just that.

Members refused to allow female members in a controversial vote last year, but held another secret ballot in recent weeks, announcing yesterday it had overturned the original decision.

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A pal of Scotland’s First Minister, who this week announced she would go for a second Scottish independence referendum, said: “Nicola has no idea about golf but loves it when a poll is re-run if you do not get the desired result the first time.

“She was furious when the golf club’s first decision did not go her way, but believes wholeheartedly in the concept of simply re-running the vote until there is a ‘yes’.”

Scotland’s First Minister hit the fairways last night to celebrate her new membership, and enjoyed a score of 89. From four holes.

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Spot the difference: We add realistic touches to Ipswich Vision project

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Spot the difference: We add realistic touches to Ipswich Vision project

The Ipswich Vision project this week released images of its bold new plan for Ipswich town centre, including pretty walkways, seating and modern fountains.

But we could not help feeling the images were rather too, erm, cleansed to make them believable for Ipswich life.

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So your ever-helpful Suffolk Gazette has added some extra items to the photograph to make it more realistic. See if you can spot all the differences

BEFORE

Ipswich town centreLiving the dream: Ipswich town centre

AFTER

Real Ipswich town centreLiving nightmare: Ipswich town centre

The Ipswich Vision partnership consists of local councils, groups and Ipswich MP Ben Gummer. It intends to make the Cornhill area attractive to visitors and shoppers again.

However, as our photo shows, the reality of life in Ipswich is very different.

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Gary Megson to be named Norwich City manager

The Editor
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Gary Megson to be named Norwich City manager

Gary Megson

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

Gary Megson is set to be named the new manager of Norwich City on Monday, it can be revealed.

The Canaries will turn to charismatic Megson to rescue their season after sensationally sacking Alex Neil tonight.

Megson, a former Norwich player who managed the club in 1995 when he scraped an impressive 18% win ratio, has been told by owner Delia Smith she expects the team to make the play-offs this season.

Anything less will be a huge embarrassment for the Norfolk club, which was relegated from the Premier League last season with a strong playing squad and millions of pounds more in parachute payments.

The club languishes in eighth place in the Championship, nine points of the play-off spots.

Carrow Road fans will be delighted by 57-year-old Megson’s return. The ginger boss, who famously scored a last-minute own goal at Ipswich to lose the East Anglian derby, is known for free-flowing, attacking football but has inexplicably been without a club since 2012.

A Norwich City insider told the Suffolk Gazette: “We are delighted to have snapped up Gary Megson on a five-year deal. He will be the most expensive manager we have ever had, but we will reap the rewards back in the Premiership.”

But former fans’ favourite Darren Huckerby is quoted on Wikipedia as doubting Megson’s style. He said: “I told him I didn’t like the way he coached, I didn’t like the way he shouted at his players and didn’t like the way he treated seasoned professionals like 15-year-olds.

“I was just being honest with him. I said: ‘I’ve seen you on the sidelines and you look like a crazed animal’.”

Megson is expected to name former Norwich goalkeeper Bryan Gunn as his chief coach.

Cash-in-hand tradesman furious over Budget tax hike

The Editor
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Cash-in-hand tradesman furious over Budget tax hike

Builder furious at tax hike

By Ruth Tyler, Construction Correspondent

A self-employed tradesman who prefers to be paid in cash is furious that the Chancellor has increased his National Insurance payments.

Builder and decorator Bill Smith, 54, tells his customers across East Anglia he would “prefer cash, because it’s easier”.

But what he really means is this makes it easier for him to keep no record of the payment so he can cheat the tax man out of thousands of pounds a year.

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Now Mr Smith is angry that yesterday’s Budget raised National Insurance contributions for the self-employed by an average of £240 a year.

“The Tories are taking an effing liberty,” he fumed. “I put a lot of effort into avoiding paying what I should in tax, and now the Government thinks it can come along and hit me with a tax hike.

“Well they won’t be getting my vote again.”

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With that, Mr Smith stuffed another £50 into his back pocket after repairing a pensioner’s leaking kitchen tap.

Chancellor Philip Hammond says the National Insurance rise for the self-employed levels the playing field, as they pay less tax than employed workers.

He admitted that coining in the extra National Insurance did depend on the self-employed declaring their actual income in the first place.

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