Saturday, February 7, 2026
Home Blog Page 330

Norwich City add Delia Smith’s royal award to honours list

The Editor
-
0

Delia Smith

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

Desperate Norwich City have added owner Delia Smith’s latest award from the Queen to their own honours list.

The Norfolk club has won nothing of importance, so famously lists things like “UEFA Cup Participants, 1993-94” to its meagre roll of honour.

[AdSense-A]

Now the club’s official programme has added Order of the Companions of Honour, 2017 to the honours list to try to make it look more impressive.

Owner Delia Smith picked up the honour from Her Majesty The Queen at Buckingham Palace this week – and went on to stick the knife into poncey, chefy restaurants.

A Carrow Road insider said: “We have an inferiority complex about our East Anglian rivals, Ipswich Town, who have got league championship, FA Cup and UEFA Cup titles among their long-list of genuine achievements.

“So we have to be a little bit more creative, hence we have UEFA Cup participants in 1993-94 – and boast about our third-place finish in the Premier League the year before.

“Plus we crow about reaching the FA Cup semi-finals three times, although one of those was back in 1959 when we had to beat Ilford along the way and eventually lost to the mighty Luton Town.”

[AdSense-B]

Football experts say the Norwich City honours list is an endearing piece of football trivia.

“Let’s not forget Ipswich also gave England its two best managers in Alf Ramsey and Bobby Robson, and arguably two of its best captains in Mick Mills and Terry Butcher.

“At one point, most of the England, Scotland and Dutch national teams were made up of Ipswich Town players – but in total, Norwich players have only 16 England caps between them EVER.

“So it’s no surprise Norwich try to cling on to anything positive.

“But it’s a bit rich adding Delia Smith’s new Order of the Companions of Honour to its supposed achievements.”

Click here to support the Suffolk Gazette Beer Fund!
[olimometer id=1]

ADVERT: Click for latest The House in Town offers

Lidl introduces Middle Class Mondays

The Editor
-
0
Lidl introduces Middle Class Mondays

Lidl to launch Middle Class Mondays

Lidl is launching Middle Class Mondays so well-to-do customers can take advantage of cheap shopping without having to meet any common people.

Many snobby shoppers would like to try Lidl instead of Sainsbury or Waitrose – but can not cope with the thought of rubbing shoulders with the working class.

So supermarket bosses will ban the great unwashed on Mondays, and allow only yummy mummies or men called Jeremy through the doors instead.

One middle-class shopper from Suffolk said: “Lidl is supposed to be very good value for money, with some real quality, which is surprising because poor people don’t appreciate nice things.

“I have been wanting to try it for ages – they do nice wines and even lobster.

“I hear they also do surprise price drops on random fun stuff like 216-piece tool kits, bicycle pumps and umbrellas.

“But the thought of coming face-to-face with a large working class woman and her loud children fills me with horror.

“So Lidl’s Middle Class Mondays is a great idea. I can shop without fear, and also common people won’t feel inadequate by being in the same social space as me.”

Dwayne Smith, 27, from Ipswich, said Middle Class Mondays were a great idea. “I am working class and wear trackie bottoms and a baseball cap.

“If I accidentally bump into an intelligent or posh person in a shop I get embarrassed because I can not think of the right words to say, so it comes out in a sort of rude, sweary rant.

“Then I nick their purse.”

A Lidl spokesman said: “Finally snobs can come and experience our great deals. We now challenge Waitrose to hold Working Class Mondays so our customers have somewhere to shop when we turn them away.”

Boris Johnson insists Robert Mugabe was only on holiday in Zimbabwe

The Editor
-
0
Boris Johnson insists Robert Mugabe was only on holiday in Zimbabwe

Boris Johnson and Robert Mugabe

Bungling Boris Johnson insists detained dictator Robert Mugabe was only in Zimbabwe on holiday and should be released immediately.

The under-pressure Foreign Secretary was speaking after the Army staged a peaceful coup in the rogue African country, putting Mr Mugabe and his henchmen under house arrest.

[AdSense-A]

He made a huge gaffe this week by saying British-Iranian citizen Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe, jailed for five years on espionage charges while on holiday in Iran, had indeed been in the country training journalists.

His error could make her situation worse, and entitle the Iranians to keep her locked up for longer.

Desperate to avoid a repeat of his embarrassing gaffe, Mr Johnson told the House of Commons that Mr Mugabe, 93, had really only been in Zimbabwe on vacation.

He had been “enjoying the wildlife and beautiful countryside since 1987”.

Mr Johnson added: “It is clear Mr Mugabe and his lovely wife, Grace, had only been visiting Zimbabwe on holiday, and he had in no way been working there as a tyrannical dictator.

“There is certainly no evidence he caused misery and poverty to millions while denying human rights and eradicating all opposition.

“It is therefore right and proper that the Zimbabwe armed forces let Mr Mugabe go so he can return home to England to be with his friends and family.”

[AdSense-B]

Downing Street insiders tried to brush aside Mr Johnson’s latest howler, with one saying: “Well at least it takes everyone’s minds off the Iranian affair.”

Labour demanded the Foreign Secretary’s resignation.

“The man gets it horribly wrong every time he opens his mouth,”a spokesman said.

Click here to support the Suffolk Gazette Beer Fund!
[olimometer id=1]

ADVERT: Click for latest The House in Town offers

Irish to cheer on England at World Cup

The Editor
-
0
Irish to cheer on England at World Cup
Irish fans cheer England

By Phil McCracken, Ireland Correspondent

The Irish are looking forward to cheering on England at the World Cup now that their own team has been eliminated, it has been confirmed.

Ireland lost to Denmark in a play-off meaning they will not go to Russia to compete in the World Cup next summer.

Now the Irish will turn their affections to the English, who have long been their second favourite team.

Football fan Dermot O’Leary, 37, from Dublin, said: “Everyone here loves the cheeky-chappy English, with their sense of humour and endearing sporting attitude.

“During the World Cup bars across Ireland will be packed with locals roaring on the Three Lions and belting out the English National Anthem.

“It certainly takes some of the pain away from our own heartbreaking elimination.”

Ireland played Denmark in Dublin after drawing 0-0 in the first leg of the tense play-off in Copenhagen.

Yet despite scoring first, the men in green went on to lose 5-1, meaning it is the Danes who will be enjoying their summer in Russia.

A pub landlord in Cork said: “There were a few long faces tonight, but then someone mentioned the English got to the World Cup and everyone cheered up.

“They are everyone’s favourite second team. We all celebrate St George’s Day and everything.”

Gym poser’s testicles EXPLODED as he lifted too much weight

The Editor
-
0
Gym poser’s testicles EXPLODED as he lifted too much weight

Testicles explode

A keep fit fanatic’s testicles EXPLODED after his vain attempt to lift more weight went terribly wrong, it has emerged.

Scott Wells, 24, was left screaming in agony and covered in blood after the horrendous accident in his Ipswich gym.

He had been trying to impress his mates by lifting 150 pounds (68 kilos) – 15 more than he had managed before.

But he strained so much that both his testicles exploded in his shorts.

An ambulance was called and paramedics stemmed the blood loss before taking Mr Wells, a car mechanic, to Ipswich Hospital.

Doctors were unable to save his testicles, and informed him he will never be able to have children.

A witness at the Mr Muscles gym said: “I have never seen anything like it. This bloke fancied himself a bit and was bragging to his mates that he could beat his personal best.

“He loaded more weight onto the bar and then went for it. He was really struggling, going red in the face – and then it happened.

“There was a sort of loud popping, he dropped the bar and collapsed on the floor, rolling around in agony.

“I suppose it serves him right for showing off.”

A member of staff at the gym said: “The ambulance guys said when you strain too much, one of two things can happen – either your rectum becomes prolapsed or your testicles explode. Not in women, obviously.

“Unfortunately for Mr Wells, it was the latter. We do not expect to see him here for a while.”

Village idiot stars in 2017 John Lewis Christmas TV advert

The Editor
-
1
Village idiot stars in 2017 John Lewis Christmas TV advert

village-idiot

By Mark Spencer

An East Anglian village idiot is the star of John Lewis’ 2017 Christmas television advert, it has emerged.

The moving film features a desperately lonely Suffolk idiot, who is sad because no one bothers to talk to him.

[AdSense-A]

He is ridiculed by the people of Alderton because he keeps falling backwards off garden walls, where he likes to sit all day trying to engage them in conversation.

But then the advert shows one little girl who feels sorry for the village idiot, and desperately wants to do something to help him.

Finally, in a tear-jerking end to the sequence, she manages to buy him a camping chair from John Lewis in time for Christmas so he can sit safely by the side of the road without falling off walls.

John Lewis bosses, who have celebrated years of success with their Christmas adverts, including the Man on The Moon and last year’s Boxer dog bouncing on a trampoline, are sure they were on to another seasonal hit.

[AdSense-B]

A John Lewis source said: “Suffolk is famous for its village idiots and we thought a story about one of them being helped by a little girl would be heart-warming.

“Our focus groups loved the advert, and we expect it to be far more popular than anything put out by Marks and Spencer or Tesco.”

However, some people in Suffolk have been offended by the ad, saying it does not portray the county in a good light.

“There are hardly any village idiots left these days,” one resident Tweeted furiously. “Now everyone will think we are a sandwich short of a picnic.”

The Suffolk Gazette tried to get a comment from a village idiot in Freston, but he ran away.

Click here to support the Suffolk Gazette Beer Fund!
[olimometer id=1]

ADVERT: Click for latest The House in Town offers

Prince Charming fails to find Norfolk Cinderella

The Editor
-
0
Prince Charming fails to find Norfolk Cinderella

Norfolk Cinderella

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

Prince Charming has spoken of his anguish after being unable to find Cinderella in Norfolk.

Try as he might, the dashing royal could trace no woman in the county capable of squeezing her six toes into the special slippers.

He has now reluctantly admitted that the love of his life probably does not live in Norfolk after all, but is almost certainly from neighbouring Suffolk.

Prince Charming had been on the hunt for a wife so inexplicably decided to look in Norfolk.

He told Royal courtiers to put on a lavish ball at Dunston Hall near Norwich and invite all the single women from the area.

One mystery beauty caught his eye but fled at midnight because the last Greater Anglia train was about to leave.

She left a slipper behind as she dashed for the train – a perfect clue to her identity.

Whoever could fit into the slipper would surely be his new wife, so the Prince, 29, toured the county trying every woman.

To his horror none of them fitted the shoe because they could not squeeze six toes in.

A Royal spokesman said: “It is with regret that we report the Prince has been unable to find his wife in Norfolk.

“All the women tried on the slippers eagerly but one toe would always stick out.

“We now believe the beautiful woman who beguiled Prince Charming that night must have come from Suffolk.”

The Suffolk Gazette understands one likely candidate is Miss Cinderella, 24, from Woodbridge in Suffolk, who lives with her evil Norfolk stepmother and ugly step sisters.

A Palace insider said: “Prince Charming has ordered teams to Suffolk to find her. We believe they will live happily ever after.”

Alleged sex-pest Kevin Spacey to start new career as an MP

The Editor
-
0
Alleged sex-pest Kevin Spacey to start new career as an MP

Kevin Spacey

Shamed movie star Kevin Spacey, who faces a string of sex assault allegations, has revealed he intends to stand as a Member of Parliament.

Mr Spacey says he is now perfectly qualified for a life in the sleazy House of Commons.

A pal said not only has Spacey played a political leader in the Netflix blockbuster House of Cards, but his alleged sexual misconduct will go down a storm in Westminster.

[AdSense-A]

Only days ago, Defence Secretary Michael Fallon was forced to resign, while other Tory and now Labour MPs have also been suspended amid claims of lust and sexual misconduct.

With multiple sexual misconduct allegations against him going back years, 58-year-old Spacey would now be an ideal candidate for any political party in Britain.

“Kevin is devastated that Netflix has appeared to drop him and his career in acting is probably over.

“But as one door shuts another one opens, and as fate would have it an alternative career has emerged, for which he is perfectly qualified.

“It seems being a British MP involves the need to be a sex pest, have weird sexual preferences and generally be a letching pervert.

“Kevin is determined to get a piece of the action, and will be standing as a Member of Parliament at the next available by-election.”

[AdSense-B]

Police have confirmed that a 58-year-old man is under investigation after another man claimed he awoke to find Spacey performing a sex act upon him when he was 23. No arrests have been made.

Meanwhile, at least eight employees who worked on House of Cards have anonymously accused Spacey of making the show a “toxic” work environment, according to a CNN report. Allegations include “non-consensual touching and crude comments” usually targeted at younger, male members of the crew, and one former production assistant for the show has accused Spacey of sexual assault.

A spokesman for Downing Street said: “Kevin Spacey sounds like he is made of the right sort of stuff to be a Member of Parliament, and we look forward to welcoming him aboard.”

Click here to support the Suffolk Gazette Beer Fund!
[olimometer id=1]

ADVERT: Click for latest The House in Town offers

1...329330331...410Page 330 of 410

Just In

Sport

Business

Features

Contact us