Sunday, June 29, 2025
Home Blog Page 325

British Airways offers free Bank Holiday breaks

The Editor
-
0
British Airways offers free Bank Holiday breaks

Heathrow airport

Holidaymakers are being offered the chance of an exclusive free Bank Holiday break with British Airways.

The airline is taking bookings for a three-day holiday at Heathrow Airport (above)… and it won’t cost you a penny!

[AdSense-A]

A BA spokesman said: “We came up with the idea after this weekend’s unfortunate problems for travellers who found themselves stranded. There was an atmosphere of camaraderie with families having animated chats with other families, and honeymooners and backpack students swapping tales of their bravado.

“Hundreds were sleeping on the floor using their flight bags as pillows, and we decided to offer people the chance to do the same for the August Bank Holiday.

“They can just turn up with or without suitcases and find a seat or bench to kip on for the three days.

[AdSense-B]

“There is no language problem and there are a wealth of cafes and bars and restaurants within walking distance and plenty of floor space for those who want to stretch out for a good night’s sleep.

“This is a unique opportunity for those who want a different sort of break. The only snag will be crying children and perhaps long queues for the toilet.

“We are expecting a huge response from people who don’t want to actually go anywhere.”

Donate now to the Suffolk Gazette Beer Fund!
[olimometer id=1]

Join our witty Suffolk Gazette Facebook page community.

Katie Hopkins joins Suffolk Gazette, attacks ‘smelly country folk’

The Editor
-
0
Katie Hopkins joins Suffolk Gazette, attacks ‘smelly country folk’

The Suffolk Gazette is proud to announce that we have signed up controversial columnist Katie Hopkins to write occasional features for us after she was sacked from every job she ever had because of her outrageous views.

Katie said: “The Suffolk Gazette is the biggest sack of shite I have ever read but nobody else will employ me so their peanuts per column is the best I can hope for. I hope the Editor falls of his bike in his pathetic lycra shorts and all the staff die of leprosy so I can edit the paper myself and make some much-needed improvements.”

[AdSense-A]

Here is Katie’s first Gazette column, penned after she lost her job at LBC radio this week. She would love you to share the column and let her know you views via the Contact Page.

HELLO, YOKELS!

How on earth do you manage to live in boring Suffolk? Fields and fields of pukey yellow jaundice rape fields for miles and miles and the hint of manure and smelly country folk in the air!

Give me Knightsbridge and Harrods any day where I can get some investment advice from those lovely rich Hooray Henry’s. At least they don’t smell of chicken shit and turnips.

Katie HopkinsKatie Hopkins: Hint of manure and smelly country folk

I wonder if you poor, uneducated oiks will be able to find the way to the polling booths for the June General Election? At least you don’t have to be able to write your name on the ballot paper. You can just do a X like all the generations before you used to write for your dole money or the rent book for those hovels you live in with your stinking cats and dogs and ragged-trousered snot-covered deformed children with their fleas and rickets.

I will vote for the party that empties the bins more often. We need those refuse lorries like they have in that foreign Spain or Greece that collect the crap and swish the streets with water.
If they could grab up all those homeless twats and take them off to the nearest tip, then so much the better in my humble view.

[AdSense-B]

What are all these empty shops in Suffolk about? I heard that Stowmarket couldn’t even support a pound shop with its quid pregnancy-testing kits and Rizla papers. We need to gather up all these poor people and shove them into the sea off Lowestoft, leaving just the old-money families with their Tudor mansions.

Do let me know how you’re going to vote. Do you really need all those foreigners picking your strawberries? Why not just have your fruit and veg flown in from California? These are the kind of decisions our politicians need to come up with. What suggestions do you have for them? Subsidized farm smocks for sitting on your walls chewing a bit of straw? Or free swedes and sugar beets for schoolchildren?

Just reply on this column. Please don’t write to me as I don’t want to touch your germy writing paper.

Yours, Katie

Donate now to the Suffolk Gazette Beer Fund!
[olimometer id=1]

Join our witty Suffolk Gazette Facebook page community.

Supermarkets packed as shoppers fear Bank Holiday food shortage

The Editor
-
0
Supermarkets packed as shoppers fear Bank Holiday food shortage
Supermarkets were packed out today amid fears families may not have enough food to last through the Bank Holiday weekend. Housewives went into a panic over whether they had sufficient grub to last until Tuesday – so they spent hundreds of pounds in Tesco and Aldi today just in case. Mum-of-three Karen Wyles, from Eye, Suffolk said: “No one really wants to nip to the shops on Bank Holiday monday, so we’re taking no chances and buying everything in sight today.” That means 15 bags packed full of every foodstuff imaginable, most of which would remain uneaten and be thrown away. Retail analyst Jordan Spencer said: “People are behaving like the shops will be closed for weeks. They are buying stuff they don’t even like to eat. “And many are snapping up huge quantities of meat for barbecues that will never happen because it always pisses down with rain on a Bank Holiday.” Like the Suffolk Gazette on Facebook now!

New Norwich boss was professional Roger Federer lookalike

The Editor
-
0
New Norwich boss was professional Roger Federer lookalike

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

New Norwich City manager Daniel Farke accepted the role after working for 15 years as a professional Roger Federer lookalike, it has emerged.

Farke, 40, was somehow persuaded to join the Norfolk football club after being told of its glowing history as a past “participant” in the UEFA Cup.

But after arriving at Carrow Road and seeing the empty trophy cabinet, Farke is already regretting leaving his previous job opening tennis centres and supermarkets in his native Germany.

He told the Suffolk Gazette: “I was happy being a Roger Federer lookalike. I was good at it, and it brought in enough money for me and my family.

“Then Norwich got in touch because they thought I was the bloke who manages the Borussia Dortmund reserve team. It’s all a bit of a mix-up and now it’s too late to turn back.”

Daniel Farke and Roger FedererDaniel Farke, left, was a Roger Federer lookalike
Farke has now traded in his tennis shorts, headbands and crisp Nike shirts for the hideous yellow and green sporting attire of the Canaries.

Sources say he has been in touch with David Wagner, the previously unknown German manager of Huddersfield Town, who took his side to the play-off final, for advice – and was told: “You should have gone to Ipswich.”

Elderly man’s fury as new loo ‘urinal’ covers him in pee

The Editor
-
0
Elderly man’s fury as new loo ‘urinal’ covers him in pee

Dyson hand dryer lavatory

An elderly man has complained about the “newfangled urinal” in a public loo – which sprayed him with urine.

Derek Beavis, 78, was horrified when he used the public convenience off Hamilton Road in Felixstowe, because it covered him with his own pee.

The retired teacher, pictured above with the offending item, said: “I saw this newfangled urinal attached to the wall. It was an odd shape but I put that down to everything having to look cool these days. And to be honest I was a bit desperate, so I didn’t look too closely.

“When I began to relieve myself it made a noise like a jet engine and then all this air came out with such force that it sprayed me all over with my own pee.

“It covered my coat, my trousers and even went all over my face. Trouble is, once I start I can’t stop, so I had to stand there until I had finished.

“Luckily it was raining outside, so nobody noticed that I was soaking wet as I made my way back home. I got some odd looks on the bus, though, and nobody seemed to want to sit next to me.”

Mr Beavis said he complained to Suffolk Coastal District Council, but was told the urinal was not faulty, but was in fact a high-speed Airblade hand Dyson dryer.

The Felixstowe public loo was made famous two years ago when local OAP Gladys Phillips got locked in for four days.

Gingers warned to stay indoors as heat wave hits UK

The Editor
-
42
Gingers warned to stay indoors as heat wave hits UK

Gingers warned to stay indoors

Gingers have been warned to stay indoors this week as Britain braces itself for a heatwave, it has emerged.

Pale-skinned red-heads could fry within minutes as temperatures across the UK soar above 20 degrees.

The south-east is expected to be hotter than Barcelona as unseasonably warm air is swept up from the south.

But while most of us will relish the thermometer topping an incredible 22 degrees centigrade, gingers everywhere will be gloomy unless they put on strong sun cream.

Claus Thomas, of the Institute for Sunshine Dermatology said: “While it’s good news for most, the Caribbean heatwave is jolly bad luck for ginger people.

“They will have to stay indoors, or at least cover up with a coat and a hat should they venture outside.

“The risk will be particularly significant in Scotland for gingers, where most people are ginger. The streets will be deserted.”

Ginger-haired Lorraine Fisher, 34, of Ipswich, Suffolk, said: “I’m fed up with everyone saying how great the weather will be. I will get sunburn if I step outside for more than 30 seconds.”

She added that her legs turned a painful pink when she stood next to the cooker last week, so she had to be extra careful.

Weatherman Steve Walshe said Britain was looking forward to the first spell of warm weather this year.

Only journalists excited about rich couple’s wedding

The Editor
-
0
Only journalists excited about rich couple’s wedding

Pippa Middleton wedding
By Jane Seymour, Royal Editor

Journalists and news broadcasters were besides themselves with excitement today because two rich people are getting married.

But in an extraordinary twist, it has emerged that the rest of the country couldn’t give a toss.

Newspapers have been drooling for weeks over every detail of Pippa Middleton’s wedding with James Matthews, a fund manager with millions of pounds washing around his bank accounts.

Even the BBC is breathlessly reporting on every aspect of the day, with excited articles about possible Spitfire flypasts, a huge glass marquee, and what type of tasty goose liver pate canapes will be on offer.

However, we can exclusively confirm that the general public are more concerned with real news like the economy, the election, problems abroad and Brexit.

Pippa Middleton wedding

Steven Smith, a 37-year-old builder from Haverhill in Suffolk said: “Who cares that two very rich people, who have become famous for no apparent reason other than being rich and who they are related to, are getting married in a service and celebrations which will cost ten times my annual income.

“It’s only the journalists who are doffing their caps and getting excited about it. Personally, I couldn’t give a damn and am going to Tesco.”

Members of the Royal Family, including the three future kings – Charles and William and young George – will attend the ceremony on a private estate in Berkshire.

Office worker doesn’t care what his colleague is up to this weekend

The Editor
-
0
Office worker doesn’t care what his colleague is up to this weekend

Office worker

An office worker really doesn’t give a shit about what his colleague is up to this weekend – despite asking if he had any plans, it has emerged.

Darren Hayles, 27, of Ipswich, insisted he was simply being polite and had no interest in what fellow IT assistant Rick Vance did out of office hours.

[AdSense-A]

“He’s a little bit boring,” Mr Hayles explained. “But I have to work next to him five days a week, so I pretend I am interested in his life.

“When he started banging on about shopping for a new sofa and visiting his mum, I turned away and pretended I was reading an important email.”

[AdSense-B]

But Mr Vance was unaware that Mr Hayles had zoned out. “He’s a smashing guy,” said Mr Vance, 25. “We get on really well.

“We keep saying how we should meet up for a beer, but it hasn’t happened for some reason.”

Please support my running costs by clicking here and buying me a beer!
[olimometer id=1]

Join our witty Suffolk Gazette Facebook page community.

1...324325326...390Page 325 of 390

Just In

Sport

Business

Features

Contact us