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Portuguese Man-of-War sighting prompts Suffolk beach closures

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Portuguese Man-of-War sighting prompts Suffolk beach closures

man of war

By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

Three Suffolk beaches were evacuated today after several sightings of a dangerous Portuguese Man-of-War.

Bathers and fishermen were warned that the Portuguese Man-of-War can cause a nasty injury and victims should receive medical treatment.

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But if you are attacked by a 17th century warship from Portugal, and there is no medical help nearby, it is thought that urinating on your wound may help.

A spokesman for Suffolk Coast Watch said: “We received several reports that a 17th Century Portuguese Man-of-War was stalking the North Sea coast.

“It was seen off Southwold, Walberswick and Dunwich.

“These things are armed with cannon and some fearsome sailors with particularly bad breath.

“The weapons are not terribly accurate, but if you’re sitting on the beach reading the paper and get hit by a cannonball, you’re going to know about it.

“Should you lose an arm or a leg, remove the cannonball immediately and seek medical assistance.”

It is thought the rogue 400-year-old warship was attracted to Suffolk by unseasonably warm waters.

It presumably sailed unnoticed through the channel, disguised by yet another mystery chemical off the coast of Sussex.

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Beach walker Angus Young, 71, said: “I saw the tip of the mast coming over the horizon, followed by the distinctive sails.

“It managed to avoid crashing into the offshore windfarm and approached the coast menacingly before disappearing again.”

The sightings come as several beaches in Cornwall and Wales were closed because of a nasty purple jellyfish called a Portuguese Man of War.

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Woman crashed motorhome using cruise control while making cup of tea

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Woman crashed motorhome using cruise control while making cup of tea

Motorhome crash


By Rob Banks, Crime Editor

A woman crashed her new luxury motorhome at 40mph after putting on the cruise control and getting up to make a cup of tea, a court heard today.

Dawn Spencer-Smith had dreamed of living in a motorhome and spent £45,000 on the second-hand van. She was driving it for the first time when the accident happened.

Ipswich magistrates heard how Spencer-Smith, 62, of Cretingham, near Ipswich had spent her life savings on the four-year-old, four-berth vehicle.

But two days later it was written off when it veered out of control and hit a tree on the B1084 road to Orford.

Pleading guilty to careless and reckless driving, Spencer Smith, a retired librarian, stunned magistrates by saying she had been confused by what cruise control actually meant.

“I thought it was like an autopilot that you get on airplanes,” she said.

“I turned it on at what I thought was a sensible 40mph, then stepped away from the driver seat into the back of the motorhome to make a cup of tea.

“I presumed that cruise control worked with the sat nav to negotiate the roads safely. Imagine my surprise when no sooner had I flicked the switch on the kettle that we hit a tree at 40mph. Luckily I was unhurt because I was thrown on to the sofa.

“Police came and were shocked when I said my cruise control must have gone wrong. I now realise I made a terrible mistake, and am just grateful I or anybody else was not killed.”

Living in a motorhome

Magistrates told Spencer-Smith she was lucky to be alive, banned her from driving for 12 months and fined her £1,200 plus prosecution costs.

She refused to comment to the Suffolk Gazette outside the court.

But a neighbour said: “I remember the day she brought the motorhome back from the showroom – she was very proud of it in her driveway, and told me it had a kitchen, shower room, a fully-fitted bedroom – and all mod cons.

“Next day she drove off in it saying she was going to Orford on her first day trip.

“We never saw the motorhome again.”

A Suffolk Police spokesman said they advised drivers of all new vehicles check over the driving manuals carefully before taking to the road.

World relieved as Richard Branson survives Hurricane Irma

The Editor
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World relieved as Richard Branson survives Hurricane Irma

Richard Branson

The world breathed a huge sigh of relief today after hearing billionaire Richard Branson had survived Hurricane Irma ripping through his private Caribbean island.

Mr Branson was fortunately able to hunker down in his expensive concrete wine cellar on Necker Island while chaos erupted all around.

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The news is just what the world was waiting to hear, fearing as it did that the super-rich publicity mad mogul might have been silenced.

As 185mph Irma wreaked havoc across the Caribbean, killing scores of people and destroying thousands of homes and livelihoods, Mr Branson was able to report he was fine on his personal island.

He and his staff simply sat in his well-stocked wine cellar, which is made of concrete.

“This is such a relief,” said a concerned Suffolk fan of the Virgin boss today.

“I hadn’t really given a thought to the ordinary poor people, but I’m delighted Sir Richard is safe.

“It was lucky he had a nice big wine cellar to shelter in. Perhaps the people of Barbuda or Saint-Martin should take note.

“They should all build themselves nice wine cellars. I don’t know why they didn’t think about it before.”

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Mr Branson, 67, was able to communicate with the outside world via satellite telephone, and describe how he was donating money to those affected by the hurricane.

He is now beginning the clean-up operation on Necker before charging people $27,000 a week again to stay there.

Meanwhile, television viewers have braced themselves for scores of reporters standing outside in hurricane-force winds.

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Man working on Saturday mornings again

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Man working on Saturday mornings again

James Martin

A man who quit his job because he was fed up with working on Saturday mornings has started a new job on Saturday mornings.

Mr James Martin stopped presenting BBC1’s Saturday Kitchen after ten years because he was tired of never having a weekend off.

But in a move which quite possibly has something to do with money, he has now started a new rival series on ITV.

A friend insisted the new show, Saturday Morning With James Martin is not broadcast live but is recorded in his own home.

“So while the show is aired on Saturday mornings, Mr Martin isn’t actually working on Saturday mornings.

“In other words, this is a completely ridiculous story.”

Breeder stuns equine world with new striped horse

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Breeder stuns equine world with new striped horse

New black and white striped horse

A top Suffolk breeder has created a stunning new black-and-white-striped horse.

Fed up with traditional colours for horses, Larry Piggott, the nephew of Newmarket racing legend Lester Piggott, set about breeding a new colour for equine enthusiasts.

He has spent 17 years pairing black stallions with white mares, then interbreeding the offspring for generations to create the desired striped effect.

Now he is on the fourth generation of black-and-white striped horses, meaning the fetching colour scheme is officially here to stay.

Because the horses are so rare, they will fetch a premium price at auction and make Mr Piggott a fortune.

He has named the horses debras after his wife, Debra.

“The debras not only look good and have a great temperament, but they showing a good turn of speed so could be suitable for the race track,” Mr Piggott, 57, who runs stables near Lavenham, explained.

“We’ve had the same coloured horses in Britain for thousands of years – chestnuts, greys, dappled, white, black – so this is something new and exciting.

“I’m extremely proud to have been behind it.”

The British Equestrian Federation is expected to officially endorse the debra in the coming weeks.

“We are visiting Mr Piggott in the coming weeks to confirm his claims. If true, this is a quite remarkable development.

“The paddocks of England could be changed forever.”

In unrelated news, Essex police are hunting a daring burglar who made off with two zebras from Colchester Zoo last week.

Facebook unveils Norfolk emoji

The Editor
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Facebook unveils Norfolk emoji

Norfolk emoji

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

Facebook has released a new emoji just for the people of Norfolk, it has emerged.

The six-fingered hands emoji will allow users to add a Norfolk flavour to their posts.

Boffins at the social media giant had worked on different emoji ideas for the rural county.

A webbed foot, a pair of bushy eyebrows representing the star of the Normal for Norfolk TV show, and a depiction of Norwich radio personality Alan Partridge were all rejected.

“They were all tested but found to be unpopular as Facebook users did not immediately recognise the Norfolk link.

“But the six-fingered hands emoji screamed Norfolk to every user in our study.

“It was being used by 90% of local Facebook users during the test period – and also many people living elsewhere when they were posting about Norfolk.”

The new emoji will be included as part of the next Facebook software update in October.

Norfolk Facebook fan Bubba Spuckler said: “This is something to be proud of. I love it. I have to hold my hands up to Facebook developers.”

Mr Spuckler, who lives near Downham Market with his sister and their eight children, regularly posts his turnips on the For Sale in Norfolk Facebook group.

A spokesman for Twitter said it was monitoring the Norfolk emoji, and would consider adding it to Twitter’s emoji selection as well.

Spiders complain about media hate campaign

The Editor
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Spiders complain about media hate campaign

Upset house spiders have complained to press watchdogs after the media whipped up a deadly hate campaign against them.

Every newspaper and TV news station has reported about millions of huge spiders invading houses – and given advice about how to keep them out.

They have also been terrifying everyone with claims that the venomous false widow spider is on the march across Britain.

A perfect storm of summer weather conditions and abundance of food has increased the number of spiders harmlessly hanging about minding their own business.

But that has been seized upon by evil press barons looking to make money out of their readers’ fears.

Last night Boris, a friendly spider in Suffolk who represents the nation’s arachnid population, said: “Alwight, guv’nor. We’re ‘armless. No really, we have eight legs and no arms.

“Thanks to the press everyone now wants to kill us. We’re in a right two and eight,” complained Boris, 3, who moved from London’s East End to Suffolk because he’d heard people were nicer there.

“All we want to do is find a mate at this time of year, so we wander about a bit looking for ’em. Now we have to watch out for humans dropping books on us, or desperately yelling at their dogs or cats to eat us.”

image

Boris has now scribbled a letter in his spidery handwriting to the Independent Press Standards Organisation, claiming journalists are preying on readers’ irrational fears.

“Reporters are spinning a web of lies about us,” said Boris, who has 743 children.

Another spider, Jim, from Bury St Edmunds, added: “Don’t believe everything you read in the papers – for example, we actually love playing conkers, so leaving a chestnut in the corner of your room isn’t going to scare us off.”

A spokesman for IPSO said they would review Boris’ complaint.

An insider at Entomologist Concern said: “Spiders are friendly little creatures just going about their business. There really is no need to be so nasty to them.”

Man furious after being refused state handout for third child

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Man furious after being refused state handout for third child

Royal baby

A man from Kensington is furious after discovering the Government has capped state benefits to just two children.

Mr William Windsor, 35, announced today that his wife is expecting their third child.

But his joy was short-lived as he realised he had become a victim of Tory austerity measures – and he will get no extra child tax credit.

Now he and his long-suffering wife Kate, 35, will attempt to get something back from the state by asking for a bigger council house.

Their existing flat in Kensington Palace will soon be a bit of a squeeze, and it will be some time before he can move into his granny’s state-funded detached house at the end of The Mall.

A concerned neighbour said: “We’re not sure how Mr and Mrs Windsor will cope without the Government handouts for a third child.

“They are maxed out on benefits already because neither of them have a job, so money is going to be really tight now.”

However, a friend of the couple said: “The new baby is wonderful news and will help take all our minds off impending nuclear Armageddon and the fact that summer has ended.”

Others said it was lovely news and it was “very mean” to take the mickey out of them on this joyous day.

Mr Windsor is also upset because the arrival of a new child might mean he can not go away with the lads to football – presuming England make it to next summer’s World Cup in Russia.

“There’s no way his missus will let him go on an away day if she’s just had a another baby,” one friend said.

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