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My CakeWatchers super smoothies to soothe your tum

The Editor
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My CakeWatchers super smoothies to soothe your tum

CakeWatchers
Did you know smoothies started out as liquidised food for invalids who had trouble chewing or digesting their grub? Now every lazy bastard who can’t be asked to use cutlery is at it.

Atkins Protein shakes, and that SLIMFART stuff. And the hipsters who swish up green gunk from kale and spinach and spirulina, a foul-tasting fluorescent blue-green algae from the sea. It’s a wonder they don’t glow in the dark…and you don’t want to get downwind from them.

SlimfartSlimfart: a load of hot air
Now here at CakeWatchers, our team of experts have devised some more tantalising smoothies, with our simple LARDpoints to keep you on track.

* THE TROPICAL: Put a tin of pineapple in the blender, add a scoop of Banana Nesquick and tip in half a bottle of Malibu and a couple of shots of rum. Shettle yourshelf in a deckchair and shtick shame shun lotion on. Cheers! (37 LARDpoints)

* THE CHOC-A-BLOCK: Put some full fat milk in the blender with a dollop of clotted cream. Add a packet of chocolate buttons, six Oreo Cookies, two Crunchie Bars, two Cadbury’s Flakes and a large swoosh of Baileys. (83 LARDpoints)

* THE FULL ENGLISH: Fry two eggs, three sausages, some black pudding, four hash browns and mushrooms. Put the lot in a blender with a tin of beans, some tomatoes and a pot of tea with milk and three sugars. Great if you’re in a hurry. (90 LARDpoints)

* THE IPSWICH TOWN: Shove a Portman football pie or two in the blender with a bag of chips a blue-icing Krispy Kreme Donut and a pint of Adnams (do it on “pulse action” or the beer will fizz all over the worktop.) A great post-match snack. (75 LARDpoints).

Until next time,
Fatima.

Gardening writer Anita Bush found drowned at home

The Editor
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Gardening writer Anita Bush found drowned at home

By The Editor

It is my sad duty to confirm that the esteemed Suffolk Gazette gardening correspondent, Anita Bush has been found drowned in a water feature at her home.

Ms Bush, whose In My Lady Garden column featured in this newspaper for 36 years, built a global fan base and counted Her Majesty The Queen as one of her loyal readers.

She was a hugely influential horticulture expert, and wrote her Suffolk Gazette column until late last year when it became clear that her lifetime love of alcohol was getting the better of her.

The last time she was seen in public was at the Suffolk Gazette Christmas party, where she got rather drunk and tried to get off with our Thought For The Day writer, The Rev Evan Elpuss.

Police called to investigate her tragic death on Tuesday found her face down in a mini waterfall feature in her beloved garden near Stowmarket. Her skirt was around her ankles and officers believe she tripped over it before hitting her head on the fountain and drowning.

An empty bottle of gin was laying next to her body.

Ms Bush, 69, leaves a husband, Norbert, many close gentlemen friends and her glorious two-acre garden, which may now be opened to the public because Mr Bush needs the money.

He has already placed a memorial bench in the garden for his late wife, together with a poignant plaque, which reads: “In loving memory of Anita Bush… and all those who kept her in trim”.

The Anita Bush memorial bench

Anita Bush plaqueLoving memory: The plaque on the Anita Bush memorial bench

The funeral will be held next Wednesday at Stowmarket crematorium. The family have asked for no flowers – they have grown fed up with them because it’s all Anita ever talked about. Instead, they have asked that donations be sent to the Suffolk Gazette Beer Fund.

Most of Ms Bush’s finest columns were famously educational and rude, given that whenever she was asked about double entendres, her reply was always, with a wink: “I’ll give you one.”

Headlines included I took a photo of my neighbour’s cock, My crack is getting very big, I’m so sad about my small pear, and Water those herbs and find thyme for a right good stuffing.

Gridlocked town renamed Slowmarket

The Editor
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Gridlocked town renamed Slowmarket

Slowmarket

The Suffolk town of Stowmarket has been renamed because so many roadworks have disrupted traffic.

Residents are so fed up with hold-ups that they persuaded local council chiefs to rename the town as Slowmarket.

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The new name will stay in place until the roadworks are finished, which is expected to be some time in 2023.

Resident campaigner Barry Smith, 63, said: “We can’t move for people digging up the road and sending us on diversions all over the place.

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“Slowmarket is now an ideal name for the town, and it will get us a little bit of publicity to boost all the local businesses who are being affected by the poor traffic situation.”

All road signs in and out of the town have now been changed to Slowmarket at a cost of £25,000.

One local, grandmother Sheila Jennings, welcomed the move. “People say Suffolk is a slow pace of life, so this goes to show they are right.

“I wanted to pop to the Co-Op yesterday, and it took me over an hour.”

An inisder at Suffolk County Council confirmed: “This is just our idea of a little joke. We’re sure the people of Slowmarket see the funny side.”

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Passenger checks in at airport on Facebook, forgets to check in for flight

The Editor
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Passenger checks in at airport on Facebook, forgets to check in for flight

A man was so busy using his Facebook check-in feature at Heathrow to boast he was going on holiday that forgot to check in for the actual flight.

Recruitment consultant Gerry Dammers, of Halesworth, Suffolk missed his flight with pals to Las Vegas and had to pay more than £600 to buy a ticket for the next day.

As soon as he arrived at Heathrow Airport he had begun posting on Facebook about his dream trip while all his followers were busy grafting away at work.

Then the 27-year-old used the Facebook check-in feature to show how impressive it was that the flight would leave Heathrow, head over the Atlantic and across America to Nevada.

facebook check inLook at me: Man’s airport boast cost him his flight

But while refreshing his Facebook feed constantly to see if anyone had ‘liked’ his showy status, he completely forgot that he needed to actually check in at the airline desk for the flight.

When his friends, who had already checked in and gone through security, eventually rang him from the gate, it was too late.

Travel expert Roger Wynn-Jones said: “People seem to think everyone else will be totally impressed if they update their Facebook status with a check in from the airport.

“The reality is that everyone else is busy working and don’t give a toss, so it is rather amusing that this man missed his flight because of it.”

Mr Dammers was too embarrassed to speak to the Suffolk Gazette from his room in the MGM Grand in Las Vegas today.

“Let’s just say I won’t bother posting a check-in status from the airport before I fly home,” he said.

Statement: Suffolk Gazette avoids use of covfefe

The Editor
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Statement: Suffolk Gazette avoids use of covfefe

The Suffolk Gazette moved today to reassure readers it does not use negative covfefe.

US President Donald Trump caused an internet sensation overnight when he Tweeted his annoyance at the “constant negative press covfefe”.

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But a spokesman for Britain’s leading local newspaper, the Suffolk Gazette said: “We would like to make clear we avoid the use of covfefe, especially negatively.

“Covfefe is an outdated journalistic practice that has no place in the modern media, and Mr Trump was entirely correct to call it out.”

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The President made his astute observation just after midnight Washington time this morning, then appears to have gone to bed without further elaboration. His Tweet remains on his Twitter account at the time of going to press.

The Suffolk Gazette spokesman insisted no more needed to be said. “Covfefe is now out in the open as a bad thing. We are happy to distance ourselves from it.”

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British Airways offers free Bank Holiday breaks

The Editor
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British Airways offers free Bank Holiday breaks

Heathrow airport

Holidaymakers are being offered the chance of an exclusive free Bank Holiday break with British Airways.

The airline is taking bookings for a three-day holiday at Heathrow Airport (above)… and it won’t cost you a penny!

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A BA spokesman said: “We came up with the idea after this weekend’s unfortunate problems for travellers who found themselves stranded. There was an atmosphere of camaraderie with families having animated chats with other families, and honeymooners and backpack students swapping tales of their bravado.

“Hundreds were sleeping on the floor using their flight bags as pillows, and we decided to offer people the chance to do the same for the August Bank Holiday.

“They can just turn up with or without suitcases and find a seat or bench to kip on for the three days.

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“There is no language problem and there are a wealth of cafes and bars and restaurants within walking distance and plenty of floor space for those who want to stretch out for a good night’s sleep.

“This is a unique opportunity for those who want a different sort of break. The only snag will be crying children and perhaps long queues for the toilet.

“We are expecting a huge response from people who don’t want to actually go anywhere.”

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Katie Hopkins joins Suffolk Gazette, attacks ‘smelly country folk’

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Katie Hopkins joins Suffolk Gazette, attacks ‘smelly country folk’

The Suffolk Gazette is proud to announce that we have signed up controversial columnist Katie Hopkins to write occasional features for us after she was sacked from every job she ever had because of her outrageous views.

Katie said: “The Suffolk Gazette is the biggest sack of shite I have ever read but nobody else will employ me so their peanuts per column is the best I can hope for. I hope the Editor falls of his bike in his pathetic lycra shorts and all the staff die of leprosy so I can edit the paper myself and make some much-needed improvements.”

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Here is Katie’s first Gazette column, penned after she lost her job at LBC radio this week. She would love you to share the column and let her know you views via the Contact Page.

HELLO, YOKELS!

How on earth do you manage to live in boring Suffolk? Fields and fields of pukey yellow jaundice rape fields for miles and miles and the hint of manure and smelly country folk in the air!

Give me Knightsbridge and Harrods any day where I can get some investment advice from those lovely rich Hooray Henry’s. At least they don’t smell of chicken shit and turnips.

Katie HopkinsKatie Hopkins: Hint of manure and smelly country folk

I wonder if you poor, uneducated oiks will be able to find the way to the polling booths for the June General Election? At least you don’t have to be able to write your name on the ballot paper. You can just do a X like all the generations before you used to write for your dole money or the rent book for those hovels you live in with your stinking cats and dogs and ragged-trousered snot-covered deformed children with their fleas and rickets.

I will vote for the party that empties the bins more often. We need those refuse lorries like they have in that foreign Spain or Greece that collect the crap and swish the streets with water.
If they could grab up all those homeless twats and take them off to the nearest tip, then so much the better in my humble view.

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What are all these empty shops in Suffolk about? I heard that Stowmarket couldn’t even support a pound shop with its quid pregnancy-testing kits and Rizla papers. We need to gather up all these poor people and shove them into the sea off Lowestoft, leaving just the old-money families with their Tudor mansions.

Do let me know how you’re going to vote. Do you really need all those foreigners picking your strawberries? Why not just have your fruit and veg flown in from California? These are the kind of decisions our politicians need to come up with. What suggestions do you have for them? Subsidized farm smocks for sitting on your walls chewing a bit of straw? Or free swedes and sugar beets for schoolchildren?

Just reply on this column. Please don’t write to me as I don’t want to touch your germy writing paper.

Yours, Katie

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Supermarkets packed as shoppers fear Bank Holiday food shortage

The Editor
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Supermarkets packed as shoppers fear Bank Holiday food shortage
Supermarkets were packed out today amid fears families may not have enough food to last through the Bank Holiday weekend. Housewives went into a panic over whether they had sufficient grub to last until Tuesday – so they spent hundreds of pounds in Tesco and Aldi today just in case. Mum-of-three Karen Wyles, from Eye, Suffolk said: “No one really wants to nip to the shops on Bank Holiday monday, so we’re taking no chances and buying everything in sight today.” That means 15 bags packed full of every foodstuff imaginable, most of which would remain uneaten and be thrown away. Retail analyst Jordan Spencer said: “People are behaving like the shops will be closed for weeks. They are buying stuff they don’t even like to eat. “And many are snapping up huge quantities of meat for barbecues that will never happen because it always pisses down with rain on a Bank Holiday.” Like the Suffolk Gazette on Facebook now!
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