Monday, December 11, 2023
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Man-eating shark seen in Suffolk river



By Courtney Pike, Angling Correspondent

Families have been warned to avoid paddling in Suffolk’s River Deben after a man-eating shark was spotted hunting for seals near Wadringfield.

Open water swimmers and small boat owners have also been told to beware of the six-foot Great White, which has appeared twice in recent days.

The shark has taken advantage of warmer waters to travel around the south coast into the North Sea.

Experts say it then became attracted by seals in the Deben estuary near Felixstowe Ferry, and swam inland, where it has plenty of protection from reeds and muddy water.

Members of the UK Shark Society have been out on the river since Saturday. They hope to find the shark and then guide it back to sea, from where it is expected to migrate back to the Atlantic.

“It is most unusual,” said the society’s Sean Finn. “These creatures are not normally seen around here.

“We would advise people to keep out of the water for now – these things can give a nasty nip.”

However, the mayor of Waldringfield, Peter Grimes urged everyone to enjoy the river as normal.

“It’s perfectly safe to come here, enjoy all we have to offer, and swim. The water is great!”

Local fisherman Trevor Whymark was less convinced, however.

“I’m going to need a bigger boat,” he said.

Suffolk shark expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said she did not believe the shark was the same one that attacked a Felixstowe windsurfer in 2016.

Harry Enfield Association Football


In this classic video, Harry Enfield portrays how the ‘old-fashioned’ footballers from Arsenal would get on in a cup final against modern-day Liverpool at Wembley.

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Ultimate dog tease video: bacon


This dog loves bacon, but isn’t getting any. The ultimate dog tease video has had more than 170 million views on YouTube.

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Cute boy, 5, finds out he’s going to be a big brother


This is the moment a young boy finds out he’s going to be a big brother. His reaction is priceless, although it gets a little awkward when he asks his mum how she made the new baby!

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James Corden and Stevie Wonder


James Corden and music legend Stevie Wonder carpool through Los Angeles singing some of his classic songs – and Stevie suggests he and James start a group called the Wondercats.

Stevie Wonder’s 20-city tour ‘Songs In The Key Of Life Performance’ starts on September 30 in Montreal and ends on November 24 at New York’s Madison Square Garden.

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Country bumpkin Corbyn to tour ‘Downton’ Suffolk


By Len Inn
Political Reporter

The newly-elected leader of Her Majesty’s Opposition, Jeremy Corbyn is to undertake a fact-finding tour of Suffolk in next month, his advisers claim.

The Suffolk Gazette can reveal that Corbyn, who grew up in the rural idyll of Wiltshire, is a self-confessed ‘country bumpkin’ and has a passion for exploring how his new Labour Party line-up can help the county.

A recently-appointed member of his staff, who asked not to be named, showed the Suffolk Gazette a draft copy of his busy travelling itinerary which includes town meetings in Ipswich and Bury St Edmunds as well as visits to Leiston, Stowmarket, Woodbridge, Sudbury, Haverhill and Thetford.

The keen cyclist and teetotal vegetarian is also looking forward to stopping for lunch at the famous Adnams brewery in Southwold before intending to give an evening speech before Aldeburgh Town Council.

The source added: “We were quite surprised by this as Jeremy outlined strong views for reintroducing the people of Suffolk to solid Socialist values like working in the fields, fishing fleets and factories.

“He believes Suffolk people have got fat and lazy on too many years of Tory materialism and spent too much time watching Downton Abbey on 42-inch televisions and stuffed-crust pizzas and he is getting on his bike to show his resolve.”

Jeremy Corbyn: country boy

Mr Corbyn recently described his ‘impeccable middle-class upbringing’ to The Guardian newspaper. He grew up in the picturesque Wiltshire village of Kingston St Michael before moving to a seven-bedroomed home with his parents and three elder brothers in Shropshire.

His official “Team Corbyn” spokesman Karl Engels confirmed the plan, but added that Suffolk was one of several “Toryfied” counties that the new Leader wanted to visit. “He wants the democratically-elected local authorities to rediscover the lost Marxism principal of distribution of wealth. He believes a sharp dose of dialectical materialism will refresh the good people of Suffolk.”

No-one at Suffolk County Council was available for comment.

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Norfolk woman upset no-one sexually pesters her on LinkedIn


A Norfolk woman was furious last night because no men sent her sexist or suggestive messages on LinkedIn, the networking site for professionals.

Britain was scandalised this week when it was revealed creepy businessmen were sending sexist messages to women with attractive profile photos on the popular site.

Gorgeous, pouting barrister Charlotte Proudman was so cross she exposed her suitor on Twitter, sparking a media maelstrom.

But Edna Spratt, 44, from Dereham in Norfolk, was devastated because no male LinkedIn members paid her any compliments at all.

Ms Spratt, who put her profession down on LinkedIn as ‘Peasant’, said: “Surely some men find my profile photo attractive? My brother certainly does.”

Sad and unloved: Edna Spratt’s profile picture on LinkedIn

Keen-eyed Suffolk Gazette readers will recognise Ms Spratt from our revelation earlier this year that thousands of peasant Norfolk migrants were attempting to cross into Suffolk.

Ms Spratt was pictured in her Dereham hovel, and has since clearly tried to improve her circumstances by joining LinkedIn.

“I thought it was a good way of finding a job,” she told us. “But it turns out there are not many networking opportunities for peasants on LinkedIn.

“Then when I read about this sexy lawyer girl getting propositioned, I thought, ‘Well my luck may be in after all’.

“But I have had no messages of adulation or questions about my underwear. I think I look lovely.”

A LinkedIn insider said: “We take sexism seriously and discourage men from sending such messages to our female customers. But if the women is willing, like Edna clearly is, we will introduce a new system whereby they can opt in for sexist approaches.”

We hope that by publishing this story, Ms Spratt’s inbox may now be filled with sex-starved Norfolk business types looking for love. Maybe she’ll find a use for her favourite carrot after all?

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Flash sports car driver has small penis


By Jerome Clarkson
Motoring Editor

A middle-aged man has been forced to admit that he purchased a flash sports car to make up for his small penis.

John Thomas, 51, from Woodbridge, was so self-conscious about his manhood that he bought a super-fast motor, thinking it would make him more appealing to women.

But he quickly heard people joking that he must have a small todger – folk who never previously suspected that he was lacking in the trouser department.

“I spent £40,000 on the five-litre Jaguar, figuring the ladies would be hugely impressed and assume that not only was I rich, but I was also a fine figure of a man.

“But as soon as I got out on the road, I got snide comments that driving a sports car meant I must have a small penis.”

Jaguar XK8
John Thomas’ car exposed his embarrassing secret

Mr Thomas, a divorced self-employed psychiatrist, got in a row with mates at his local pub, The Cock, about the correlation between the size of a man’s car and the size of his tackle.

He made a rash bet that the link was not true – but then found he had to prove it.

“I lost a game of spoof which meant I had to prove I was right. Of course, I could not do so without dropping my trousers and pants in the lounge bar in front of all the customers.

“So rather than go through that indignity, and probably be arrested, I had to reluctantly admit that I did indeed have a tiny penis. My friends thought it was hilarious.”

Balding Mr Thomas is now trying to sell his car, and plans to buy a six-year-old Nissan Micra instead.

“Then women will assume I am a big boy,” he said.

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