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Michael Gove and Brexit MPs served pig rectum by pranksters

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Michael Gove and Brexit MPs served pig rectum by pranksters

boneless pork rectums

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Police are investigating after Michael Gove was among a group of Brexit-supporting Tory MPs who were secretly fed pig rectum at a fund-raising dinner.

More than 200 guests at the £100-a-head gala in Westminster, laid on by a right-wing charity, unwittingly ate pork anus.

Pranksters working for the catering company shipped in boneless pork rectums from America – pictured above – to be sliced up and served on tasty vol-au-vents.

One of the kitchen staff took the photograph of the offensive pork product when it was delivered, and sent it to a private Facebook group run by Remainers who do not want Britain to leave the EU.

He boasted it was being fed to the Brexit MPs “who are like pigs with their snouts in the trough”.

But the tasteless joke could backfire if police decide to press charges.

A source inside the Metropolitan Police said: “We have evidence that four boxes of boneless pork rectums were delivered to a catering company based in Suffolk.

“The 30 kilograms of anus were then cut up, added to an appetising garlic sauce and placed upon delicate small pastries.

“These were then served to guests at a black-tie dinner in the House of Commons.”

Prominent Brexit-supporting MPs attending included environment secretary Mr Gove, Jacob Rees-Mogg, Iain Duncan Smith and John Whittingdale.

The dinner was laid on by the Brexit Means Brexit charity, which raises money for individuals affected by Remainers. There is no suggestion organisers knew of the pigs anus conspiracy.

Instead, police are focusing their attention on the catering company.

Boneless pigs rectum is often served as a delicacy in America, particularly by the Chinese community.

Food experts say it is perfectly legal to be served in the UK, but they advise that customers should be warned of the content first.

This is not the first time that the Conservatives have been caught in a pork controversy. Former Prime Minister David Cameron was alleged to have done something rude with a dead pig while at university, and he later bought a Suffolk pig farm after leaving Parliament.

Norfolk-built fighter jet disappoints defence experts

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Norfolk-built fighter jet disappoints defence experts

Norfolk jet

By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

A Norfolk arms company faces an uncertain future after its latest military jet failed to live up to expectations.

Colmans BAE spent four years developing Gentle Breeze – a fighter it insisted would rival the globally-acclaimed Eurofighter Typhoon.

But critics say the new jet will fail to take off financially, and could mean Colmans BAE, which is based just outside Downham Market, shedding more jobs.

The company is already reeling from downsizing after its Raleigh Tank, which it had taken years to develop, was ditched by the Ministry of Defence last year.

Norfolk tank

It had pinned its hopes on the Gentle Breeze, claiming its slight lack of speed, agility and firepower was more than compensated for by its cheaper price tag, coming in at only £249 each (or £400 for two).

But when it was unveiled at the Middle East Arms Fair in Saudi Arabia this week, it was met with derision.

Delegates said the air gun fixed to the front of the jet would fail to trouble a pigeon, let alone an enemy fighter.

Defence expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, from Suffolk said: “I’m afraid Colmans BAE is way behind the competition with this Gentle Breeze fighter.

“It can reach speeds of only 75mph and an altitude of less than 1,000 feet – the Russians must be wetting themselves.”

Colmans BAE said it had spent £200 million developing the Gentle Breeze, claiming it was a huge improvements on previous models.

It had manufactured the Blakeney Bomber (below) for 25 years, marketing it as the most advanced long-range bomber anywhere in the world.

Blakeney Bomber

A spokesman for the company, which employs more than 1,000 people, all from the same family, said: “We are confident that the Gentle Breeze jet will be a popular addition to any country’s defences.

“We have already had inquiries from North Korea.”

One buyer at the arms fair said: “If they sell any of these it will be a miracle. The Gentle Breeze is painfully slow, but at least there is no danger of it creating a sonic boom.”

Ipswich Town receive Championship long-service award

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Ipswich Town receive Championship long-service award

ITFC ground

The Football League has given Ipswich Town a prestigious long-service award after it emerged the club is heading for its 17th consecutive season in the Championship.

Mick McCarthy’s Suffolk side has bored fans into submission by failing to get promoted and also by avoiding relegation since they last played in the Premiership in 2002.

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Supporters are so used to mid-table obscurity that they now struggle to get excited by anything at all, with even away fans singing: “Is this a library?”.

And with only 17 matches to go this season, Ipswich are again in 12th place out of 24, exactly mid table – and with a goal difference of zero.

A Football League spokesman said: “There is no chance of Ipswich making the play-offs, and it is highly unlikely they will get relegated this season.

“So it is more of less certain the club will be in the Championship again next season.

“And as that will be its 17th successive campaign in the same division, we have decided to give them a long-service award.”

The trophy will be presented to club owner Marcus Evans on the centre circle at Carrow Road, in front of the Sky television cameras when Ipswich travel to Norwich for the East Anglian derby on February 18.

And that date is significant because it represents one of only two things Ipswich fans have to look forward to this season – beating Norwich, and hopefully finishing above them in the league.

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“It’s a right royal battle for 12th place,” Ipswich fan Lorraine Fisher, 34, said.

“Being stuck in the Championship for an eternity is not fun – but this long-service award at least gives us a little reward for our rather dull consistency.”

Supporters are eagerly looking forward to the rest of this season, and expect next season to be just as exciting.

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Norfolk MP thought lap-dancing was Scandinavian folk display

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Norfolk MP thought lap-dancing was Scandinavian folk display

lap-dancing

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

A Norfolk MP who was caught in a sleazy lap-dancing club has claimed he thought he was attending a celebration of Scandinavian folk dancing.

Tory Bubba Spuckler, the MP for Downham Market, insisted he went to the strip joint believing it had something to do with traditional Lapland music.

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“I am very interested in the cultural activities of Lapland, Finland and Scandinavia in general.

“So when a constituent of mine, following a meeting at Westminster, suggested we go to a nearby lap-dancing club, I was up for it.

“Obviously once I realised exactly what sort of establishment it was, after about three hours, I decided to leave.

“Unfortunately that is when the police raided the place, claiming it was operating without the necessary licence.

“I told them I was on a cultural visit, but they did not seem too impressed.”

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Mr Spuckler, who made the news last year when he claimed banning family members from working for MPs would be a particular problem in Norfolk, was held by police for two hours but released without charge.

However, dancer Lorraine Fisher, 34, from Suffolk was charged with public indecency.

“It was all an honest mix-up,” said Mr Spuckler, 64. “I am sure the ladies of Downham Market Women’s Institute will understand.”

He said he would avoid making the same mistake a second time.

Instead, he was looking forward to getting his haircut after a pal invited him along to a local clip joint.

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Fears grow as Kim Jong-un gets an office cat

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Fears grow as Kim Jong-un gets an office cat

Kim Jong un cat button

Fears were growing for world peace today after it emerged Kim Jong-un has got a new cat which he allows to play in his office.

The silky-furred black moggy has the freedom of the North Korean leader’s work desk, and likes nothing more than a game.

But experts in the west have become alarmed after photos emerged of the kitty taking an interest in a large red button.

Worried British security expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “It’s only a matter of time before the temptation becomes too much and the cat prods the button with her paw.

“Within seconds, her feline curiosity will have set off scores of ballistic nuclear missiles to South Korea, Japan and the United States of America.

“It will be the biggest cat-made disaster known to humankind.”

Officials close to Kim Jong-un, who recently boasted he has a nuclear button on his desk, have also seen the cat staring at the button with devilish yellow eyes.

It is seen above in a photograph that first emerged on Twitter (we’re happy to give a photo credit when we know who ‘took’ the image).

However, they know that shooing it away or raising concerns to their Dear Leader would mean 25 years in hard labour camp near the Chinese border.

“He loves that cat,” said a North Korean diplomat in London. “He won’t hear a word said against it.”

Animal behaviour expert Steve Walshe, from Suffolk, said: “If you put a cat next to an object that clearly should not be touched, it will touch it.

“Normally this would something of little importance, like a cotton reel or a pencil.

“But in this case it is the button that can start World War Three.

“I would urge Mr Jong-un to keep a close eye on his new cat, or at least put his big red button in a drawer.”

Genetically inbred Norfolk carrots sold in Suffolk

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Genetically inbred Norfolk carrots sold in Suffolk

Genetically inbred Norfolk carrots

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

Fears are growing that Norfolk farmers are creating genetically inbred carrots and selling them on Suffolk’s supermarket shelves.

Shoppers around the county have noticed weird, mutant carrots appearing in the vegetable aisles.

Now Trading Standards agents have concluded the inbred carrots are being produced on the cheap in Norfolk.

They traced a consignment of offensive carrots to a smallholding near Downham Market run by Bubba Spuckler.

“We found he was interchanging the seeds from the same carrot family and this was producing mutant carrots.

“While these vegetables can be eaten, they do cause widespread offence in more worldly-wise areas like Suffolk.”

Mr Spuckler, who lives on his farm with his sister and their eight children, denied any wrongdoing.

Chasing our reporter and photographer off his property while waving a pitch fork above his head, he shouted: “I’ll make you squeal like a pig!”

Genetically inbred

Further official investigations, which were also run by the Ministry of Agriculture, confirmed the practise of inbreeding carrots was widespread on Norfolk farms.

Agent Mark Swain said: “Within days we discovered two more farms where these unsavoury practises were going on.

“One was run by Billy Bob Spuckler from near Hunstanton, who is apparently the brother and father of Bubba Spuckler.

“Another was an industrial-scale production unit near Yarmouth managed by Tammy Spuckler, who is a mother, sister and Great Aunt of Bubba.

“It has turned into quite a difficult job cracking this network of dodgy farmers making vegetables on the cheap.”

An executive at Waitrose said they had begun marketing the mutant veg as an “organic, ancient variety reintroduced by artisan East Anglian producers”.

“Normally we can get away with this sort of thing because our customers will believe anything labelled as ‘artisan’. But even they were horrified that these are, in fact, genetically inbred carrots from Norfolk.

“We have now removed them from the shelves.”

Shopper Lorraine Fisher, 34, was disgusted. “These carrots should never have come to Suffolk. They should stay in Norfolk where people like to keep things in the family.”

Northern mum braves snow, wears second pair of pyjamas on school run

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Northern mum braves snow, wears second pair of pyjamas on school run

Northern woman

It has been so cold in northern England this week that a mum has put on a second pair of pyjamas before taking her kids to school.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, from Darlington, shrieked: “It’s cold enough to freeze me tits off, pet,” as she dropped off adorable Zak, seven, twins Zany and Zandooorf, eight, Ziggy, nine and ten-year-old Zednut to their local primary school.

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Being a hard-as-nails northern woman, Miss Fisher is used to ignoring the Arctic weather that blights the country north of Peterborough.

But even she was taken aback by this week’s cold snap.

Yesterday, she spent an additional five seconds getting ready for the school run – so six seconds in total – by adding a second layer of pyjamas.

Other mums shivering at the school gates in their night gowns were “dead jealous” when they saw what she had done.

And they vowed to follow her lead tomorrow, should it still be a “slightly chilly” -5 degrees in driving snow.

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However, southern mother Sofia Gestinghtorpe-Charles, 27, from Framlingham in Suffolk, said Miss Fisher was a disgrace.

“The lazy cow should get dressed properly in the morning like the rest of us.

“Fancy wearing your pyjamas on the school run? What sort of message does that send to the kids?

“But fair play to her for coming up with the idea to put on an extra layer. I would never have thought of turning the heating up in the Audi.”

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Is North Korea Winter Olympics team training in Walberswick?

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Is North Korea Winter Olympics team training in Walberswick?

North Korea Winter Olympics

Speculation was rife in Suffolk today that the North Korea Winter Olympics team has been enjoying a secret training camp at Walberswick.

Rumours first started spreading after Asian athletes, wearing red kit with the letters DPRK, were seen training on the Suffolk coastal village’s sand dunes.

Now this newspaper’s investigations appear to confirm that elite members of the North Korean team are being put through their paces as part of training for next month’s games in South Korea.

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It is a common technique for athletes to train on sand dunes, often hauling a tyre attached to a rope around their midriff.

This improves stamina and strength – ideal for the North Korean skiers, skaters and members of their world-famous bobsleigh team.

They were sent to Walberswick by Kim Jong-un, who has a love affair with the Suffolk coast after buying a caravan holiday home there three years ago.

Staying at a secret location – possibly in nearby Southwold – the team has been spotted running up and down the dunes, as well as swimming in the North Sea, and enjoying wrestling competitions.

Eye witness Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “I was walking the dog at Walberswick when I saw around 15 athletes training on the dunes.

“Someone said they were from North Korea, but I didn’t believe them. It seems strange that they would be training for the Winter Olympics in Suffolk.

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“But as I got close they were clearly wearing the North Korean team kit. They had a translator called Jim Miles with them, who wished me a cheery good morning.”

It is believed the team members have been enjoying traditional seaside fish and chips, even if this has played haddock with their strict diet regime.

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