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Mum serves up leftover turkey for fourth day in a row

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Mum serves up leftover turkey for fourth day in a row

Leftover turkey

A Suffolk mum today insisted her family is looking forward to being force-fed leftover turkey for the fourth day in a row.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, said there was no point in wasting the remaining shreds of the carcass from her delicious Christmas roast.

But her partner and two children are too scared to tell her they are sick to death of it and just want some normal food.

Sales assistant Lorraine said: “I was brought up not to waste food, so I make sure I get my money’s worth from the turkey.

“It’s not so bad on Boxing Day when a lot of the nice, white breast meat is still a little moist. It’s like Christmas dinner all over again.

“On the 27th, I introduced some of the brown meat that nobody likes and mixed it with some dried-out breast meat to make massive sandwiches, with cranberry sauce and some brie that was lying around.

“Yesterday I had to be more inventive and made a pie filled with some random bits of turkey, vegetables and stock.

“But today is a challenge – and one I shall overcome brilliantly.

“We are down the last few gristly bits of meat that would usually make everyone feel sick just to look at, let alone eat.

“It’s also starting to smell a little bit.

“So that means curry! Yes, tip it all in a saucepan and make a hot, spicy sauce so that no one can really see, let alone, taste, whatever it is they are eating.

“I will feel so much better knowing I have got every last morsel out of the Christmas turkey leftovers.”

Son Oliver, eight, speaking from the family’s Woodbridge home, said: “It’s bloody turkey today…. again!

“I put up with it on Christmas Day because I’m so excited about my presents that I’ll eat anything just to get lunch out of the way.

“But then having turkey disguised as different things for the next four days is too much.

“Sometimes you just want something healthy like a light salad.”

Mugs better than turkey

You can buy a mug from the Suffolk Gazette. They are tougher than Lorraine Fisher’s week-old turkey…

Turkey who voted for Christmas is getting suspicious

The Editor
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Turkey who voted for Christmas is getting suspicious

Turkey voted for Christmas

A turkey who voted for Christmas is beginning to think he made a terrible mistake.

Steve Walshe, age one, said he was led to believe Britain would be better off voting for Christmas.

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And he was told that if he voted for Christmas, turkeys across Britain would get a huge pay rise in the New Year, amounting to £350 million a week.

“It was quite the sales pitch,” said turkey Steve from his shed in Halesworth, Suffolk.

“I believed every word of it, and was looking forward to a much better life after Christmas.

“Plus I was worried about foreign birds migrating here every year, but I’m not racist or anything.

“So I voted for Christmas because everything would then be brilliant, just like the old days.

“Now it seems I have made a bit of a mistake – it looks like I was told a load of b*llocks.”

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Lorraine Fisher, 34, who campaigned against Christmas for turkeys, said she was upset so many of them had been deceived.

“I warned them not to vote for Christmas – it would not end well.

“But they wouldn’t listen, and now they are f*cked.”

However, not everyone is upset by the news.

Local butcher Nigel Farage said: “Yes, a few turkeys will find Christmas is not all it was cracked up to be.

“But really it’s not the fault of us butchers – it’s the bloody Brussels sprouts that really ruin it for us all.”

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Class warfare breaks out as Waitrose snobs clash with Aldi oiks

The Editor
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Class warfare breaks out as Waitrose snobs clash with Aldi oiks

Class warfare

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Class warfare was breaking out in supermarkets across Britain today as anxious food shoppers clashed while hunting down their last Christmas dinner ingredients.

Middle-class snobs were forced to park their Audis at Lidl and Aldi after Waitrose ran out of avocados and pomegranate molasses.

And common people caught the bus to Waitrose because their local Aldi and Lidl had sold out of Lambrini and chicken nuggets.

The dramatic turn of events meant there were huge class tensions as the snobs and commoners clashed in unfamiliar territory.

At one Waitrose store near me in Suffolk, some very common people, who were clearly benefit scroungers and quite possibly even foreign, got into a scuffle with a well-dressed man called Justin.

Waitrose opening times

They had found out the Waitrose opening times and wandered in stinking of cigarettes and cider, looking for frozen Christmas ready meals because they were out of stock in Lidl.

But they soon bumped into posh twat Justin, who was browsing through the kale options.

Observer Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “They got into a slanging match, with Justin and his fellow well-heeled shoppers telling them to ‘bugger ‘orf back to Lidli or whatever it’s called’.

“Punches were thrown and Justin was so upset he demanded the store staff throw the oiks out.”

Meanwhile, over at a Lidl store in Ipswich, local low-life were confronted with scores of well-dressed yummy mummies who had arrived in a fleet of Audis from Waitrose.

“I need artichoke hearts but there were none left at Waitrose,” cooed one mum as she gave the Lidl security guard a tenner, thinking he was a homeless man.

She waltzed into the strange world of common people and immediately tied her son Oscar’s handkerchief around her nose to keep out the smell.

Trouble flared when she and the other yummy mummies began stopping in the middle of the aisles to compare each others’ handbags.

Common person Dwayne Pipe, who is unemployed and claiming £33,000 a year in benefits, said: “Who do these posh birds think they are?

“But as it’s Christmas I’d like to cover one in salted butter and give it a good stuffing.”

Waitrose shopping

Police were called to the Aldi car park in Stowmarket after a Range Rover, unfamiliar with the car park layout, got into a stand-off with a 25-year-old Vauxhall Corsa.

“The drivers traded insults but we were able to calm down the situation and urge the Range Rover driver to keep to his usual expensive shop,” a police spokesman said.

Meanwhile, the Suffolk Gazette wishes all its readers, no matter their class, a very merry Christmas.

You won’t find these in Waitrose

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Nothing funny about Prince William sending his child to Willcocks Nursery

The Editor
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Nothing funny about Prince William sending his child to Willcocks Nursery

Willcocks

By Jane Seymour, Royal Editor

Britain has agreed there is nothing remotely funny about Prince William sending his daughter to Willcocks nursery school.

Only those with a childish or dirty sense of humour would see anything amusing about the name at all.

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A spokesman for Britain said: “It is a delight that Princess Charlotte is beginning her education at Willcocks.

“Anyone chuckling over the name of the nursery in Kensington, London, is just being childish, quite frankly.

“We’re surprised that anyone would mention the name – even though it’s the first thing that came into everyone’s mind.”

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge insisted Willcocks was their top choice of nursery, followed by Kateboobies in Chelsea.

Princess Charlotte will begin at Willcocks, close to her Kensington Palace home, in January.

Nursery school owner Mr William Cock said: “We are looking forward to her arrival.”

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Charlotte’s elder brother Prince George, four, started at Thomas’s school Battersea, run by Mr John Thomas, an £18,000-a-year prep school earlier this year.

Last week the Suffolk Gazette revealed how he got the hump when he was not allowed to play a King in the school nativity play.

The announcement about Willcocks came on the same day that William and Kate released a new family portrait, with young George and Charlotte standing in front of their parents.

The nursery charges up to £9,150 a year for children who attend morning sessions.

Described by parents as “kind and gentle”, the school is run by female staff only, and its stated ethos is “for high standards, excellence and good manners”.

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Welcome to the world of Mick McCarthy

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Welcome to the world of Mick McCarthy

It’s been one of the most hotly-contested topics among Ipswich Town fans – are you a Mick McCarthy ‘inner’ or ‘outer’.

But whether you love the gritty Yorkshireman, or hate his style of football, you’ll enjoy this video summary of Portman Road under his stewardship.

Hat’s off to Benjamin Bloom who put the video on YouTube – it’s much better than anything than we could have done.

And it’s also much better than the original The Eagles version of Hotel California!

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Seaplane commuter service launches from Suffolk

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Seaplane commuter service launches from Suffolk

Seaplane Ipswich

By Casey Jones, Railways Correspondent

A fed-up businesswoman is launching a new seaplane commuter service to take passengers from Suffolk and Essex into the heart of London, it has emerged.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, claims her Water Anglia airline will be cheaper and faster than the Greater Anglia trains she became so tired of using.

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She has already kitted out one 60-seater seaplane and based it at the River Orwell in Ipswich following successful sea trials off Felixstowe.

Water Anglia’s daily 7.30am service will take off from the Orwell after it has passed under the Orwell Bridge.

It will then head out to the North Sea, turn right at Harwich and fly down the Stour in order to pick up passengers from Manningtree – but only if the tide is in.

And from there it is a non-stop flight to the Thames Estuary before landing close to HMS Belfast near Tower Bridge.

Tickets for the service, which lasts only around 45 minutes, will cost just £60 return – around £26 cheaper than the corresponding train journey from Ipswich with Greater Anglia.

“I got fed-up with the unreliable train service offered by Greater Anglia,” said Mrs Fisher, from Woodbridge in Suffolk, who made her money in London’s financial markets.

“The trains are old and smelly, often breaking down, and the cost is way too high.

“I have a pilot’s licence and was daydreaming on the train home one day when the service had come to a halt because of a train fault.

“And I thought, ‘I can do better’. That’s how Water Anglia first formed in my mind two years ago.”

Since then Mrs Fisher has leased her first plane, hired local pilot Roy Everett and is now on the lookout for two air hostesses.

She has also sorted out all necessary permissions from British Waterways, the Ministry of Transport and Air Traffic Control.

“The first commercial flight will be early next year,” she explained. “We will sell tickets on the day or from our website, and it is likely we will introduce season tickets for regular London commuters.”

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Water Anglia leaves Ipswich at 7.30am Monday to Friday, landing near Tower Bridge at 8.15am – perfect for City workers.

The return flight back to Ipswich, via Manningtree, leaves at 6pm, landing back in Suffolk at 6.45pm in time for a few drinks and dinner – or even to see Ipswich Town if the team is playing at home.

Mrs Fisher, who is chief executive officer of Water Anglia, says if the service proves to be a success, it could be expanded to other destinations.

“Firstly we will look to use the single plane we already have for tourist trips at weekends – or Ipswich fans might want to hire it to take them to away matches along the East Coast to places like Hull, Sunderland, or Middlesborough.

“Then we might also expand the fleet and offer a service across the sea to Holland or Belgium.”

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Revealed: Ed Sheeran’s secret Ipswich song list

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Revealed: Ed Sheeran’s secret Ipswich song list

Ed Sheeran Ipswich

The secret songs that Suffolk superstar Ed Sheeran has written about Ipswich can be revealed today for the first time.

We were shown the compositions just days after the singer revealed he had written them and could make a biopic of his life.

Ed, who was raised in nearby Framlingham, played some of his first live gigs in Ipswich pubs when he was an unknown.

Now he has written about the town, and the songs show the rest of the world just what it is missing.

The song list includes:

Pound Shops On Every Corner

Roadworks and Traffic Jams

Drug-Fuelled Crime Rock ‘n Roll

Bored Kids and Disrespect

Teenage Mums And Benefits

The Road To Nowhere (remake of the 1980s Talking Heads hit)

16 Years In The Championship

Beggars Belief (Got Any Spare Change?)

Ed told the Times recently that he had this collection of songs about Ipswich, and that as he was in early discussions about a biopic of his local upbringing.

Now he had the material for a soundtrack.

Residents say the song titles appear to have captured the nature of the town perfectly.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “We all think Ipswich is a sh*thole and it seems Ed Sheeran agrees.

“Me and my mates can’t wait for him to publish these songs – it could be the best thing to happen to Ipswich for years.”

A pal of Ed’s confirmed: “He has been writing songs about Ipswich for a long time.

“He lived in luxury in the posh market town of Framlingham 15 miles away – and life in Ipswich is so different in every way.

“It fascinated Ed when he was younger and provided this creative spark.”

Fans are now eagerly awaiting news of a possible biopic, which Sheeran said would be a like “8 Mile meets Notting Hill”.

Kids furious as mums redecorate the Christmas tree

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Kids furious as mums redecorate the Christmas tree

Christmas tree decoration

Children across Britain are fuming after their mothers allowed them to decorate the Christmas tree – only to redo it once they had gone to bed.

Every year kids say they fall for the con trick that it is they who get to decorate the tree.

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They’re told it’s a key part of preparing for the excitement of Christmas, after all.

But each year their mothers then take everything off the tree again and redecorate it how they like it.

Mum Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “When my kids decorate the tree it looks ridiculous.

“Baubles are placed randomly together on one side, the lights are all around the back, and those little hanging elves and reindeer are spaced around in a terrible fashion.

“One year they put so much tinsel all over the place that you couldn’t actually see the tree.

“So once the little buggers have gone to sleep I take it all down and do it just how I like it – perfectly, so that I can then share it on Facebook.

“The kids have no idea I have completely wasted their time, and assume the beautiful tree is all their own work.”

However, daughter Pippa Fisher, seven, speaking to the Suffolk Gazette from the family home in Westerfield, near Ipswich, was furious.

“Of course we know she has redecorated the tree. Who does she think she is kidding?

“What is the bloody point of getting us excited about putting up the Christmas tree decorations, then watch with a forced smile as we take pride in our work?

“We all know that as soon as we have been put to bed the stupid woman undoes all our hard work because she is still a child herself and has to have everything her own way.”

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Steve Walsh, a spokesman for the Family Behaviour Studies Institute in Suffolk, said: “It is a well-known fact that mothers let their children decorate the tree. Then take it all down again and do it themselves.

“There are ingrained psychological reasons for this – primarily because when they were young themselves, their own mothers did exactly the same thing.”

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