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Rail firm hires sweeper to clear leaves on the line

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By Casey Jones, Railways Correspondent

It is a force of nature that has brought pain and misery to train passengers for years, causing frustrating delays and even cancellations.

But now Greater Anglia railways has come up with a brilliant scheme to solve the autumnal problem of fallen leaves on the line.

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Bosses at the East Anglian rail franchise have hired an elderly man whose only job is to sweep up the leaves on the mainline between Norwich and Liverpool Street station in London.

Derek Smith, 76, from Diss, has been given a high-visibility jacket and a state-of-the-art brush – and is already patrolling the 115-mile stretch of railway

He walks up and down the track by day, sweeping up any errant dead foliage that should fall on the line and cause passing train wheels to slip. And by night he camps in woodland next to the line so he ready to start promptly the next morning.

Leaves on the lineDerek Smith working on the line near Manningtree today

Greater Anglia says he has already proved invaluable, with a spokesman telling the Suffolk Gazette: “We are well into October and the leaves are turning and beginning to fall. Yet we have had zero cancellations so far owing to fallen leaves on the line.

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“We employed Mr Smith on a very decent package for a two-month period, and expect our punctuality records for October and November to improve dramatically.”

Other rail companies across Britain are taking note of the initiative, and already Virgin trains is advertising for a rail sweeper of its own.

Mr Smith, a retired road sweeper, told us: “It’s a dream job. I’m out in the countryside doing what I love – I just have to keep an eye out for approaching trains.”

Orville the Duck dead, eaten by Norwich fans

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EXCLUSIVE
By Rob Banks, Crime Editor

Millions of fans were mourning the gruesome death of Orville the duck today after traces of green feathers were found in Delia Smith’s football pies.

Orville was offered the chance of a new life as Norwich City’s mascot last year when his long-term employer Mr Keith Harris died.

But fans soon noticed that the cuddly green duck – famed for wearing a large nappy – had never been seen at Carrow Road.

Police were called in to investigate the disappearance of the children’s television favourite, who hit the top of the pop charts with I Wish I Could Fly in 1982.

Forensic tests in the Carrow Road canteen found traces of stringy duck and feathers in Delia Smith’s pies – and several more green feathers in a freezer.

 

Orvlle the duck is deadDelia Smith and Orville the duck in happier times

A police spokesman said: “We have reason to believe a large duck found its way into the Norwich City kitchen and may have been used as a pie ingredient. Meat pies are popular with football fans on match days and a valuable source of income to the club.”

Orville the Duck

A Norwich City club insider admitted that Norwich owner Delia Smith and the board had been forced to cut costs since being relegated from the Premier League – but strongly denied killing Orville the duck.

“We have trimmed costs but would never have killed this duck in order to bulk out our pies with cheap meat. We have no idea where he is – he just never turned up for work.”

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Elderly lady lost driving around M25 for two days

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By Suffolk Gazette Staff

An 84-year-old Suffolk motorist got lost on the M25 for more than two days before running out of petrol and being picked by police, it emerged today.

Dorothy Taylor, from Ipswich, was driving to Brentwood to pay a surprise visit to her sister – but took a wrong turn off the A12 and ended up on the busy London orbital motorway.

She drove around the 117-mile circuit at least twice before tiring and pulling into a service area to get some rest.

Next morning she set off again but had no better luck finding her way off the motorway before having to stop again that night at the same services.

And it was only when she ran out of petrol early on day three near Heathrow that a police patrol car picked her up.

Lost on the M25 - Dorothy TaylorRound and round in circles: Dorothy Taylor, 84 (photo: contributed)
“I felt a bit of an old fool,” Mrs Taylor said. “I had not got a clue where I was and so I kept driving. I thought it was odd that I went over the same bridge, which turned out to be the Dartford Crossing, six or seven times. I lost count in the end, to be honest.

“I never felt worried, I stopped for food and rest breaks, but I did not want to ask anyone for help because they all looked in such a rush. I did not want to be a nuisance.”

Mrs Taylor, who was widowed five years ago, has been driving since 1949 and recently upgraded her “battered old Ford Fiesta” for a swish Honda Civic.

“I thought I’d pay a surprise visit to my sister, Agnes in Brentwood and show her the car. I must have taken a wrong turn near there and got on the M25 instead. I’ve never driven on a motorway and was a little confused by all the fast traffic.

“It seemed to me the safest thing to do was just keep going until I recognised somewhere. Unfortunately, I did not recognise anywhere at all – all the roads looked the same and I could not really make out many of the signs. It’s my eyesight, I suppose.”

M25Road to nowhere: the M25

Mrs Taylor said police arranged for her to be towed back to a service station on the A12, from where she filled up with diesel and was escorted to her sister’s house, apparently none the worse for her ordeal. Officer told her she had probably done around 800 miles during her adventure and had been going clockwise throughout.

“The car ran really well, so at least that was pleasing,” Mrs Taylor said.

She has no plans to quit the road but insists she will now stick to local trip only. “I’ll get the train next time I want to see Agnes,” she said.

Police race to village bake-off riot

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EXCLUSIVE
By Rob Banks, Crime Editor

Police raced to a village bake-off contest after allegations of flirtation and cheating spilled into violence.

Tempers flared when voluptuous widow Wendy Summerskill, 54, won an award for her moist Victoria sponge just moments after her floury baps got first prize in the bread-making category.

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Jealous rivals claimed she only won because she had enjoyed a secret fling with the competition judge, Major Rupert Bone three years ago.

And when village postmistress Helena Jones-Smythe saw Mrs Summerskill fluttering her eyelids at Major Bone as he held her cups aloft, she “went mad” and threw one of her cupcakes across Little Brimmer Village Hall.

Unfortunately, according to witnesses, the errant cupcake knocked over tea being drunk by Jane Ford, the fearsome treasurer of the village’s branch of the Women’s Institute, spilling it down her new floral dress – and it all kicked off.

Bake offCooking up a storm: bake-off turned violent

One observer at the bake-off, which has been held at Little Brimmer each year since the Second World War, told the Suffolk Gazette: “It turned into a free-for-all. Mrs Summerskill took the brunt of it, with her hair being pulled by two ladies screaming that she was ‘the village bike’. Another woman threw her sponge on the floor and there was an unfortunate moment with a cream horn.

“And when someone shouted that Mrs Summerskill only won the prizes because of her previous romance with Major Bone, her current partner jumped up and punched him.

“There were around 100 people in the village hall and it threatened to get completely out of hand. It was a real shame because so many ladies, and even some men, had worked jolly hard on their cakes, pastries and breads.”

The witness, who asked not to be named, said the police were called by a startled group of hikers walking through the village, and the two officers arrived just as things were calming down.

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A police spokesman confirmed: “We received a call about a disturbance at Little Brimmer Village Hall. There were numerous allegations of assault, but after speaking to all parties they agreed not to press charges.”

Villagers have called a meeting to discuss the melee and calm simmering tensions, and it is believed the bake-off, which happens traditionally on the third Sunday of September, will be organised again – although Major Bone, 62, has agreed to stand down as the judge.

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Steve McClaren ready to return as England manager

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Steve McClaren

By Our Football Staff

Steve McClaren has delighted England fans by saying he expects to get his old job back if Sam Allardyce is sacked today.

McClaren, who was playfully dubbed the “Wally with a Brolly” during his previous stint as England boss, says his recent club successes make him an obvious choice for the role.

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Big Sam was in a showdown meeting the FA at Wembley today after being caught in a newspaper sting trying to bag a £400,000 personal deal on the back of his lucrative role as England manager. He also allegedly told the “businessmen” how to get around rules governing third-party ownership of foreign players.

The drama immediately set tongues wagging over who would replace Allardyce – and McClaren was quick to offer his services.

He said: “The fans loved me when I managed England before. Since then I’ve had incredible success with Derby, only narrowly failing to get them promoted despite spending millions, and then I took charge of Newcastle who, er, went on to get relegated.”

England fans were not so keen on a McClaren return: “I’d rather we had Steve Bruce… and that’s saying something.”

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Corbyn walks on water at Southwold

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Jeremy Corbyn Walks on WaterJC walks on water

By John Baptiste

Jeremy Corbyn walked on water a mile out to sea off Southwold Pier before the Labour Party Conference, we can exclusively reveal.

Mr Corbyn – or JC as he is nicknamed by his followers – turned up for the Suffolk rally to show the posh townsfolk his leadership skills before he headed off to Liverpool where he swept to victory as Labour leader.

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“It was a miracle,” said Colonel “Sandy” Sanders, who normally votes Conservative. “We knew Jeremy had this holier-than-thou attitude but he has proved it’s not just an image.

“He walked a mile out to sea, turned round, shook the water off his robes then did some more tricks on the pier. He turned some Perrier into wine, a nice Merlot as it happened, raised a dead drunk, and calmed a storm heading along the coast.

“Then he went to a little bistro and turned a few focaccia loaves and a couple of sea bass into a slap-up meal to feed the multitude who had turned up to see him.

“While he was on the pier his entourage had a fun stroll around the Wacky Walk of Mirrors. It was hilarious. Everyone looked like something they weren’t really, with stupid grins and funny looks. They explained how the Sizewell plant is going to be turned into Britain’s biggest yoga class and the Southwold beach huts will be turned into council housing.

“I have voted Tory all my life but, by Jove, I have been converted. Now JC is the one for me.”

Meanwhile, in a clever bid to make himself more popular, Mr Corbyn has invited photographers inside his Islington home for a photo shoot for next month’s Halo! magazine.

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The Queen eats doner kebab after Prince Harry dare

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EXCLUSIVE
By Jane Seymour, Royal Correspondent

The Queen tucked into a takeaway doner kebab with all the trimmings after accepting a dare from Prince Harry, we can reveal today.

She munched through half of the feast, which was delivered to the Sandringham Estate, her country retreat in Norfolk, by a wide-eyed kebab shop worker in his beaten-up old Nissan Micra.

The extraordinary incident, which illustrates perfectly Her Majesty’s wicked sense of humour, happened after a lively family lunch at Sandringham House two weeks ago to celebrate Harry’s 32nd birthday.

A royal insider said: “Harry had enjoyed a few glasses of wine, and when The Queen asked him if there was anything particular he would like for his birthday, he blurted out, ‘You have to eat a doner kebab’.

“She had no idea exactly what one of those was, and agreed immediately to the challenge, much to Philip’s surprise. As a Greek, he was perfectly aware of what was in store for her.

“The conversation moved on and it looked like everyone had forgotten about it. But last week, the Krazy Kebabs takeaway in Swaffham, 17 miles away, got a delivery order by telephone… to Sandringham House.”

The source told how driver Ahmet Sudoku arrived at the gates 30 minutes later, and was waved through to the main house.

He told the Suffolk Gazette: “I assumed the food was for a servant. But when I got to the entrance a butler took it, and said it was for the Queen. I hope she enjoyed it – we are known for the best kebabs in Norfolk.”

Chili sauce

A source said Her Majesty was taken aback by the doner meat-filled pitta bread, oozing with chili sauce and a sprinkling of salad. “She had expected something entirely different, but started to eat it anyway.

“Staff say she found the sauce rather hot, but enjoyed about half of the kebab before giving up. Prince Philip, who was roaring with laughter, took a photograph on his mobile phone, and sent it through to Prince Harry as proof that his grandmother had completed the dare.

“Harry thought it was hilarious – the two of them get on famously, like when she appeared in his fun video to promote his Invictus Games.”

A spokesman at Krazy Kebabs said: “We have been asked not to talk about this.” Meanwhile, a spokesman at Buckingham Palace said: “We do not comment on private family matters.”

Elderly lady finally able to retire, aged 81

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Mary Berry retires

By Our Personal Finance Staff

An 81-year-old woman has revealed she is only now able to retire after a lifetime of slaving away in kitchens.

Mrs Mary Berry says changes to state pension legislation meant she had to work well beyond what she had expected to be her retirement age.

But she has finally been able to hang up her apron after taking advantage of her employer’s relocation.

“I felt 81 was getting on a bit,” she told the Suffolk Gazette. “I had hoped to go at 60, but then the laws changed and pensions got smaller. I worked on and 65 came and went; 70 and 75, too.

“Then when I got to 80 I thought, ‘This is ridiculous’, and began looking for a way to put my feet up while I still had time.

“I recently just installed a home lift from thyssenkrupp to help me move around.”

She plans to spend her retirement reading and following her football team, Ipswich Town, the club she has supported since being evacuated to Suffolk from her home in Bath during the Second World War.

“I’ll keep busy, but I won’t be watching any television – there’s nothing on but crap,” she said.