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Norfolk man steps into Odor-Eaters, disappears

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Norfolk man odor eaters

Police are searching for a Norfolk man who stepped into a pair of Odor-Eaters and disappeared.

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

The popular shoe accessory promises to make human smells vanish, and absorb sweat.

Bubba Spuckler, 27, from Downham Market, was gifted the Odor-Eaters as an anniversary present.

But instead of keeping his clogs smelling sweetly of roses, the product devoured his whole stinking body.

Norfolk Police say one minute he was standing in the kitchen of the house he shares with his sister and their eight children, and the next all that was left was his two wooden clogs and a pile of dust.

A spokesman said: “These Odor-Eaters really are effective at getting rid of nasty smells.

“It is perhaps advisable to use them with caution in Norfolk.”

People in Norfolk only shower once a year, even if they don’t need it.

Company spokeswoman Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Mr Spuckler’s sister is devastated, and we are helping her as best we can.

“She has another brother, Billy Bob, who has come round to comfort her.”

The shocking news comes only days after the Suffolk Gazette revealed how a nine-year-old girl vanished after trying a skin cream that makes you 10 years younger.

Don’t get us a piano for Christmas, warn Britain’s children

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John Lewis Elton John Christmas piano

Britain’s kids have appealed to their parents NOT to get them a boring piano for Christmas, it has emerged.

They spoke out after the new John Lewis advert showed how a five-year-old Elton John getting a piano for Christmas changed his life.

“It’s not the effing 1950s,” complained Josh Fisher, aged seven, from Suffolk.

“Playing the piano is so boring. Who wants to do that anymore? I want a new Xbox, loads of games, an electric go-kart and a new bike.

“If my parents get me a piano, I’ll be furious and never speak to them again.”

Elton John and JOhn Lewis advert

Sad song: Sir Elton and John Lewis

Mum Lorraine Fisher, 34, saw the new John Lewis Christmas TV ad featuring Elton John when it was released this morning.

“I was moved to tears,” she said. “So much so that I rushed out to buy some tickets for his new tour.

“It’s quite clear that if I buy a piano for Josh, he’ll love it and go on to become an international celebrity.”

The television ad shows Sir Elton today looking sadly at his piano keyboard. It then has clips of some of his biggest career moments, features a young Elton playing piano at a school concert, and ends with him being given his gift-wrapped piano on Christmas morning, aged around five.

“Hopefully mum realises what a daft idea it would be to buy me one,” asserted Josh.

“Anyway, John Lewis doesn’t even sell pianos.”

Stan Lee obituary Haiku

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Stan Lee obituary haiku

No sooner had we reported the news of Douglas Rain’s death (the voice of Hal) than news emerged that Stan Lee, legendary creator of Marvel Comics, had died, aged 94.

It’s fitting that the Spiderman and other superheroes creator should receive a special Suffolk Gazette obituary Haiku, written by Richard Standen.

Kerpow! Stan Lee dies.
Captain Comic hangs up cape.
He was marvellous.

Stan Lee, American comic book writer
Born: December 28, 1922, New York City, United States
Died: November 12, 2018, Los Angeles, United States

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2001: A Space Odyssey Hal’s obituary Haiku

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Hal space odyssey

It’s been a while since the last Suffolk Gazette Haiku obituary. But then came the news that Douglas Rain, the voice behind Hal, the sinister computer in the classic sci-fi movie 2001: A Space Odyssey, had died.

Here’s your memorial Haiku from our tribute writer, Richard Standen.

2001
Space Odyssey completed.
Hal, disconnected.

Hal 9000 (Douglas Rain)
Born: March 13, 1928, Winnipeg, Canada
Died: November 11 2018, Ontario, Canada

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Brexit Day exposed: here’s what you need to know about leaving the EU

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Brexit Day is coming in less than a year. This means, very soon, the UK will be leaving the European Union (EU). If you’re like many Brits, you might not have the foggiest idea of what Brexit will mean for you or the nation. To help clear things up a little, here’s an easy guide to Brexit and a basic run down of everything you need to know about leaving the EU.

What is Brexit and how did it come about?

Brexit, or the more formally official “British exit from the European Union”, is the UK’s impending withdrawal from the EU. It is the result that followed the historic United Kingdom European Union membership referendum, or more simply, the EU referendum, that took place on the 23rd of June, 2016.

More than 30 million UK residents took part in the referendum and the Leave vote won by 51.9%. This outcome prompted the British exit (Brexit) and two things immediately happened. First, the then Prime Minister, David Cameron, resigned. Second, the pound fell to its lowest level since 1985.

The next two notable things that followed soon after were Theresa May became the Prime Minister, and many British citizens who did and did not partake in the EU referendum, suddenly realised they have no idea what Brexit is and what leaving the EU will mean for them.

What does a no-deal Brexit mean?

The Brexit process officially began on 29 March, 2017 and will continue until Brexit Day, 29 March 2019, when the UK is scheduled to leave the EU at 11pm. At present, no deals have been made, which could result in a no-deal (hard) Brexit, a big concern for many.

If you don’t know what that means, you’re not alone. In fact, fair advocate and online casino PlayOJO revealed that research from a recent poll has shown that more than two thirds of Brits don’t feel up to date with the negotiations and the government’s latest Brexit proposal.

Feeling that things could be better explained, in their recent campaign, PlayOJO delivers “Brexit facts” with the help of British entrepreneur and reality TV personality, Luisa Zissman, and Professor Alex de Ruyter, Director of the Birmingham City University Centre for Brexit Studies.

Essentially, on the most basic level, Zissman explains that a no-deal Brexit will result in temporary supply shortages of food and other items imported from other EU countries. Moreover, imports are likely to be higher priced. That said, these consequences are quite minor compared to other ways Brexit may affect the UK’s future.

How Brexit may affect the UK’s future

Here’s a better look at how Brexit could impact the UK in the future:

– Brexit is expected to slow UK growth to 1.6% in 2020, and is forecasted to cost an extra £3 million over two years in exit fees, according to UK Treasuring Chief Phillip Hammond.
– Unless some form of deal is made, Britain is likely to lose its free-trade status with the EU members. Without free-trade, exports from Britain will be higher priced and less competitive than other EU country exports.
– Housing prices are likely to fall (and have started already).
– Jobs are likely to be lost and young Brits could have a harder time finding jobs in other EU countries.
– Trade and travel to Ireland will become more complicated.

And these are just some of the consequences that may result from Brexit.

Is there any way back?

Some people wish there was. Studies have found that millions of Leave voters now wish they could change their vote to stay in the EU. Meanwhile some groups are campaigning for Brexit to be stopped and for another referendum to be held.

Also, just recently, a People’s Vote march was held, in which 700,000 showed up to demand a people’s vote on the final terms of any Brexit deal.

That being said, as things stand now, the simple answer is there’s no way back. Deal or no deal, the people of the UK voted and Brexit is happening.

Girl, 9, disappears using cream that makes you ten years younger

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By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

A nine-year-old girl has disappeared after trying a moisturising cream that makes you ten years younger.

Suffolk Police are now searching for Lilly Fisher, who was last seen in her bedroom on Friday.

Worried mum Lorraine Fisher, 34, was surprised the cream worked.

“You normally take these things with a pinch of salt, but for once the moisturising cream did what it said on the tin.”

Police said Lilly had been given the cream on her birthday and was keen to try it out.

girl disappears
Missing: Lilly Fisher

She wiped the moisturiser on her face and lost ten years instantly.

A police spokesman said: “We are appealing for everyone to keep an eye out for Lilly. When the cream wears off, she’ll reappear again.”

>>READ: Police Apache helicopter accidentally blows up vicarage<<

The beauty business is being urged to make it clear that people aged nine and under should not use a cream that makes them ten years younger.

Retail expert Steve Walshe said: “With Christmas approaching, we’d urge parents to study products closely before buying for their children.”

Ms Fisher believes Lilly is still around her home in Woodbridge, Suffolk somewhere. She just doesn’t know where.

“The cream makers, Wrinkle Wise, say the effects should wear off in a few more days.”

The news comes just months after it was revealed the World Hide and Seek Champion had been found dead in a cupboard.

Make your gift worries vanish

Yes, here’s the solution you’ve been looking for. Buy a cool mug, approved by the Suffolk Gazette, for one of your friends or relatives and make your worries disappear. Browse the Dirty Old Goat mugs website, or buy direct from the lovely goodies below. All mugs come with free UK delivery.

Life returns to Ipswich town centre after £3.6 million revamp

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Real Ipswich town centre

The multi-million pound revamp of Ipswich town centre is already proving a hit with locals.

No sooner had the £3.6 million project been completed than the Cornhill area became a hub of exciting activity.

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When people were not tripping over steps, they were able to admire the marvellous variety of characters that Ipswich offers.

Shopper Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “I was worried that the street drinkers, beggars, shitting dogs and criminals would have been consigned to the history books.

“But imagine my surprise at finding they are still there, together with all the lovely pigeons.

“It’s good to see the fabric of the area has not been changed.”

Council executives have even included a stunning water fountain feature, which puts the display outside the Bellagio in Las Vegas to shame.

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Retail expert Steve Walshe said: “This has made a huge difference to Ipswich.

“It is surely now only a matter of time before more charity shops, mobile phone repair shops and fast-food outlets snap up the empty stores.”

Ed Sheeran puts on Halloween disguise, looks better

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Ed Sheeran Halloween

Suffolk singing sensation Ed Sheeran donned a terrifying Halloween disguise and immediately looked much better.

Ed made the huge improvement to his looks for a concert in New Orleans in the US last night.

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This picture, taken by local paper The New Orleans Advocate (photo: Scott Threlkeld), shows our local boy with hideous black eyes, soiled chin and blood running out of his mouth and from his nose.

The effect was brilliant, hiding his normal pasty, weird face.

Sheeran, who lives near Framlingham and based his Castle on the Hill hit on the town’s, er, castle, is considering keeping the makeup on for the foreseeable future.

Fan Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “When he came on stage covered in that terrifying makeup, he was instantly more attractive.

“I urge him to keep this disguise for as long as possible.”

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According to the New Orleans Advocate, a real newspaper, Sheeran “accentuated his take on Prince Harry’s wedding day uniform with zombie/vampire make-up that grew more distressed as the show progressed. ‘I don’t know if this make-up is sweat-proof’. He wiped the fake blood from his nose. ‘It’s all kinds of awful’.”

This is not the first time Sheeran has made the news pages of the Suffolk Gazette. We revealed how fans ruined a carrot crop after mistaking a ginger-haired scarecrow for their idol.