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Zinedine Zidane learning English so he can tell Manchester United to bugger off

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Zinedine Zidane
Zinedine Zidane: learning English for ‘Non’ (photo: Tasnim News Agency under CC)

Zinedine Zidane has been desperately learning English this week so that he can tell Manchester United he doesn’t want their vacant manager’s job.

After Ole Gunnar Solskjaer was sensationally sacked following yesterday’s abysmal 4-1 defeat to lowly Watford, Frenchman Zidane fears United want him at Old Trafford.

A polite man, he has been learning English so he can tell the Manchester United board that “you have got to be joking”.

Personal Assistant Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Manchester United is a bit of a dinosaur in club football.

“Their Fans think they deserve to be back at the top and that Zinedine would walk there to take the managerial hot seat.

“But he is not that daft. He wants to work at a top club.”

Zidane won the Champions League three years running while managing Real Madrid, plus two La Liga titles during his spells in charge there.

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British in with a shout at the 2022 Cheltenham Festival, said nobody ever

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“Never mind last year’s drubbing, lads. We’ll smash them this year!”

War cries don’t get more powerful than a desperate attempt to forgive and forget, which is why the British are in luck at the next edition of the Cheltenham Festival.  

With 2021 fresh in the minds of the trainers and jockeys, there’s no doubt the UK will reign supreme in 2022. No, wait; that’s utter nonsense. The wheels are already swinging into motion to ensure the Irish do nothing different and continue to dominate. After all, it wouldn’t be Cheltenham without the same demoralizing traditions.  

Irish Gold Cup  

When will the Cheltenham Gold Cup be renamed the Irish Gold Cup? Sure, it will cause all sorts of confusion, but we’ve got to be realistic about these things. When a country dominates so much, it’s only fair to rename the race so that punters understand the uphill task facing Great Britain. The horse racing betting odds couldn’t paint a prettier picture for the supporters across the Irish Sea since the Paddy Power fast horse racing results show three of the top five favourites in prolific form, hence why they are 6/1, 12/1, and 16/1.  

What’s that? Of course, they’re from Ireland. Don’t be silly! Indeed, Ireland’s very own Rachael Blackmore, last year’s heroine of the Cheltenham Festival, has jumped ship and is aboard the French A Plus Tard. The Irish are confident to the point where their best jockey is giving another country an opportunity at Gold Cup success.  

Meanwhile, back in Blighty, our best hope is called Santini and is a decent 50/1 shot behind the likes of The Big Breakaway and Royal Pagaille. No, we’ve never heard of them either. So, it might be better off not to get your hopes up when March 18th rolls around.  

Turncoat trainers  

If you can’t beat them, then join them. That appears to be the motto of several GB trainers who have decided they’ve had enough of being embarrassed on home ground year after year. In possibly the shallowest show of faith in the sport, the likes of Dan Skelton and Nicky Henderson are training horses for the other side.  

Forget that Shishkin is the 6/4 favourite for the Champion Chase or that Appreciate It is the 5/2 favourite for the Arkle Chase because these fellas want to stick the boot in. Third Time Lucki is one of the most talented horses at the entire festival, and if it upsets Appreciate It, it’ll go down as another Irish winner. The same goes for Nicky Henderson’s Chantry House.  

These boys have no shame, but at least they’ll end up on the winning side. And when the history books are written, that’s all that matters. 

Small mercies  

With very little for British fans to cheer about, it’s all about the small mercies. The silver linings that gloss over the hurt and heartbreak and make us feel better. Thankfully, Cheltenham is packed with them, so you don’t have to search far.  

Number one on the list is Honeysuckle. She is trained by Henry De Bromhead, which gives her Irish roots, but she’s owned by a Great British syndicate, which means she’ll go down as a British winner. Considering that she’s almost impossible to beat, we should be excited about her prospects. Then there’s Frodon. Trained by Paul Nicholls, Frodon is classed as a French horse, but Nicholls is about as English as they come.  

Plus, he just beat Minella Indo in the Down Royal Champion Chase, so Frodon may be in with a shout of claiming the Irish Gold Cup at 25/1. Sorry, the Cheltenham Gold Cup.  

We would recommend burning effigies and praying to pagan gods, but we’ve been there before. All that’s left is to accept our fate. The Irish are coming to the 2022 Cheltenham Festival, and they can’t be stopped. 

Liz Truss signs trade deal with Lorraine from Suffolk who sells mugs online

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Good news for Britain: Liz Truss

Foreign Secretary Liz Truss has secured another victory for Brexit Britain, signing a lucrative trade deal with Lorraine Fisher, 34, from Suffolk.

Ms Fisher lets Brits buy mugs online from a website called Dirty Old Goat, and via Amazon, all from her base in Ipswich.

Now, Ms Truss has ensured a lucrative trade deal for Brits by signing Lorraine up as a trading partner with favourable terms.

A spokesperson for Ms Truss said: “This is another fantastic deal for Britain.

“We are open for business, welcoming new trading partners from around the world almost every week.

“You can now purchase mugs from DirtyOldGoat.com with free UK delivery.

“None of this would have been possible within the constraints of EU membership.”

Ms Fisher was a little perplexed by the trade deal.

“I don’t know what Liz Truss is on about. We’ve always sold mugs quite happily throughout the UK, with free delivery.

“We’re based in Ipswich. It’s not exactly another country.”

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Old couple obsessed with escalators say life has its ups and downs

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Couple obsessed with escalators
‘We’ve had our ups and downs’: Vera and Derek Catchpole

A retired Suffolk couple insists their strange obsession with escalators is quite normal.

Vera and Derek Catchpole first met 25 years ago when passing each other on the escalator in Ipswich’s Debenhams store – and it was love at first sight.

They have since married and become hooked on riding moving staircases together in major stores and office blocks.

Derek, 81, told the Suffolk Gazette: “We’ve had our ups and downs like any couple, but really this hobby has brought us closer to together. It’s not silly, but very entertaining and a good way to meet new people.”

A former roofer, it was Derek who first started showing signs of becoming hooked, and an initially sceptic Vera, 79, was soon drawn in.

“She thought I was mad at first,” Derek laughed. “But it’s something we now do together four days a week, and it beats sitting at home watching Bargain Hunt.”

Vera added: “We both get a buzz going up and down escalators. I prefer going up, actually, because it’s the feeling of the unknown as you step on. It’s also about being around people.”

When Debenhams closed, Derek and Vera were forced to spend more time at the nearby M&S store, but the escalator there only goes from one floor, and only up. They have to use the stairs to go down again.

“It’s a pain having to travel out of Woodbridge,” Derek explained. “It has lovely little independent shops but it’s not exactly the spaghetti junction of escalators.

“We, therefore, have to travel to the larger stores in and around Ipswich to enjoy ourselves.”

The happy couple celebrates their silver wedding anniversary in June and the self-confessed adrenaline junkies are in no doubt about how they want to spend it.

Derek said: “It’s got to be Angel tube station in London. Who would not want to ride the longest escalator on the tube network? We’re very excited about it but we’ll do our best to avoid the rush hour.”

One place they will not be calling at is London’s Stratford station. “Yes, I’ve heard it’s got the smallest escalator on the Tube. I’m a bit intrigued to see it, to be honest, but I think we’ll keep to the big stuff on the special day.”

Their hobby has taken them all over Britain, trying to be one of the first to try new escalators when stores or shopping malls open up.

“We’ve never had any bother, although we once got a puncture on the A14 while heading to Birmingham Airport to ride on a new escalator there,” recalled Vera.

The couple estimate they have ridden 250,000 miles on escalators over the years – more than the distance to the moon.

“More people should try it,” Derek said. “It can be very moving.”

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How Australia achieved T20 World Cup glory

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Cricket ball on bat

There were scenes of jubilation as Australia beat their old foes New Zealand to win the T20 World Cup. It was a fantastic performance by the Aussies, blowing away the 2019 Cricket World Cup runners up, reaching the winning target of 173 runs with an over and a half to spare.

It’s the first time Australia have won the tournament, which was founded in 2007, and it’s been a missing piece of silverware in Australia’s cabinet ever since. Now they join the illustrious list of winners, and it’s no surprise really given their pre-tournament status as one of the favourites in the cricket betting at Betfair.

Following Australia’s success, let’s take a look back at their tournament as a whole, and analyse how they got their hands on the prestigious trophy.

Super 12

It’s fair to say that Australia landed in the tougher of the two Super 12 groups, with England, South Africa, Sri Lanka, the West Indies and Bangladesh making up their opponents. They got off to the best possible start with a win over South Africa. The target of 118 wasn’t a massive one, but Australia needed 19.4 overs to get the job done — a sign that there was work to do if they were going to hit top gear.

Their second match against Sri Lanka brought a more convincing victory, by seven wickets with three overs to spare. Australia were handed a setback by England though, as an inspired Joss Buttler produced a stunning display to help his team win by eight wickets.

Australia recovered sufficiently to win their final two games against Bangladesh and the West Indies respectively, enough to see them advance to the semi-finals in second place. However, it’s fair to say that the best was still to come. 

Semi-final

They faced a tough test in the last four with Pakistan, who had won all five of their matches in the Super 12, their opponents. Australia won the toss and elected to field, but Pakistan set a tough target of 177 to win, which is a difficult margin to overcome in T20 cricket. However, Australia were in inspired form, with David Warner scoring 49 points as they won with an over to spare.

It was the kind of win that breeds new belief, and Australia went through to the final with a strong feeling that they had what it takes to lift the trophy.

Final

Standing in their way were bitter old rivals New Zealand, who had come through a sensational semi-final with England, another of Australia’s cricket foes. The nature of New Zealand’s win meant they had just as much confidence as Australia, but in the end the Aussies just had too much quality.

A sensational total of 77 runs from Mitchell Marsh laid the platform for stellar performance, as Australia got the job done in impressive fashion, winning by eight wickets and lifting the trophy for the first time.

Many had felt that this Australian team was too old to compete with the best in T20 cricket, but they pulled together as a team and proved everyone wrong.

Betting mania: 10 major horse races to place your money on

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Horse betting has been around since the early 1600s, during the time of King James I. It continued getting more and more audiences as time passed by. Today, even spectators halfway across the world want to wager their money. Luckily for them, online horse betting has surfaced for quite some time, and individuals can enjoy the sport in the comfort of their own homes.

Despite the health restrictions due to the COVID-19 pandemic, you can still enjoy the intense atmosphere of betting on horses! Whether you’re a novice in horse racing or an experienced bettor, there might be significant horse racing events that you don’t know of. Continue reading below to learn some of the ten horse races around the world!

Kentucky Derby

The Kentucky Derby is held annually (almost always) on the first Saturday of May in Louisville, Kentucky. The event dubbed the “Run for the Roses” has such a rich history and is considered the biggest horse race in America. Due to its rich and prestigious history, it continuously attracts spectators from around the globe.

The Kentucky Derby is part of The Triple Crown, the Preakness Stakes, and the Belmont Stakes. Get the top tvg picks for today by visiting their website. You can get the latest schedule of matches and statistics on all the contestants for the next upcoming races.

Pacific Classic Stakes

The Pacific Classic Stakes is held in Del Mar Racetrack, California, for 3-year-old horses or older. The Grade 1 race is held on dirt with a distance of 10 furlongs or one ¼ mile. Be sure to check your schedule to enjoy this event in August.

Preakness Stakes

Like the Kentucky Derby, the Preakness Stakes is one leg of the Triple Crown. Its contestants are Thoroughbreds at the age of 3. Traditionally, the event is held two weeks after the Kentucky Derby, the third Saturday of May in the Pimlico Race Course of Baltimore, Maryland.

Breeder’s Cup

The Breeder’s Cup, like the Triple Crown, is a race for thoroughbreds. It is the last major event that takes place either two days over the end of October or early November. The Breeder’s Cup just ended on November 6, 2021. However, you can still bet on your horses next year from November 4 to 5, 2022. It will be held in the Bluegrass state.

Belmont Stakes

Belmont Stakes is nicknamed “The Test of the Champion” due to the distance that the horses have to finish: one and a half-mile distance. It recently gained the nickname “The Run for the Carnations” since the winner of the race is draped with carnations.

It is also the third and last leg of the Triple Crown, annually held on the first or second Saturday of June, five weeks after the Kentucky Derby and three weeks after the second leg, the Preakness Stakes.

Travers Stakes

Travers Stakes, or the “Midsummer Derby,” was inaugurated in 1864. It remains one of the must-watch thoroughbred horse races today. It has a distance of 1 and ¼ miles or 10 furlongs for its 3-year-old contestants.

Arkansas Derby

This horse race event is a Grade 1 race with a distance of nine furlongs (on dirt). During April, it is held annually on Oaklawn Park Race Track, Hot Springs, Arkansas, United States.

Arlington Million

Arlington Million is another beloved Grade 1 event that annually occurs during the month of August. It started in 1981, and it’s the first thoroughbred horse race event with prize money of $1 million.

Santa Anita Handicap

The Santa Anita Handicap was inaugurated in 1935, and it has continued its reputation ever since. It’s considered one of the most prestigious events for thoroughbreds held on the West Coast. It has a distance of 1 ⅛ mile on a dirt oval racetrack.

Haskell Invitational Stakes

The Haskell Invitational Stakes, which was founded in 1968, was named after Armory L. Haskell. It is another Grade 1 American horse race for three-year-old thoroughbreds. The distance is over one ⅛ mile. You can enjoy watching the race during the month of July. It is held annually at Monmouth Park Racetrack, Oceanport, New Jersey.

In conclusion

The races mentioned above, especially The Triple Crown, have a long story and a longstanding audience since it has been around for ages. The significant events discussed above are some of the best horse races that you should bet on due to the size of their audience.

When placing your bets on horse races, ensure that you’ve done your research and you’re well-prepared before placing a bet. It will increase your chances significantly. Additionally, don’t just bet on your favourite horses – look at their condition on that day, the weather, the jockeys, and the race platform. The horse may be a favourite, but there are too many variables to consider.

New Norwich City manager Dean Smith kicks off with a joke

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the barclay stand

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

New Norwich boss Dean Smith began his reign at Carrow Road today with a hilarious joke.

Talking about how pleased he was to be in Norfolk, he said (genuinely): “I was brought up in an era when Norwich were competing in Europe.”

The fact of the matter is that in their entire trophy-less history, Norwich have competed in Europe a grand total of SIX times, all in the same season (1993-94). So quite a short era then.

In contrast, the mighty Ipswich Town, East Anglia’s premier team, have played in European competitions SIXTY TWO times.

And in all that time, Town were NEVER beaten at home, seeing off the likes of Barcelona, Real Madrid, Inter Milan, AC Milan and many more.

Norwich sacked Daniel Farke for being bottom of the table, and have replaced him with Smith, a man sacked by Aston Villa for being fifth bottom, so that’s progress.

Norwich City FC historian Bubba Spuckler, who lives in Downham Market with his sister and their six children, said: “Yes, we have played in Europe six times.

“I can count the games on one hand.”

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Why online gambling is gaining so much popularity

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Online casinos are now some of the hottest platforms on the internet. This is especially when compared to traditional land-based casinos that are still looking to recover from the pandemic that ravaged 2020. While brick-and-mortar casinos are slowly recovering, there’s still a huge chunk of the market that is sticking with online casino platforms for their gambling needs. Whether it be through web-based sites or mobile casinos, there is an increasing trend in the usage of these online platforms for avid gamblers.

This article will take a deeper look into the rising popularity of online casinos and why they are likely to continue dominating the industry well into the future.

People are more receptive to technology

In a globalized society, the world is getting smaller and smaller with each passing day as people are growing to become more receptive to technology. One of the great powers of technology is that it has managed to connect people from all parts of the world in a way that’s never been done before. These days, more and more people are seeing the value of technology and how it contributes to the enrichment of their everyday lives. This means that there are more computers and cellphones in the hands of people than at any other point in human history. So, as people become more accustomed to technology, they also become more exposed to the varied forms of services and content that technology is able to afford them. 

Online casinos are more convenient and accessible

Even though gambling is an activity and a pastime that is beloved in all parts of the world, there’s just no denying the fact that not all people will always have easy access to casinos and gambling houses. In fact, in many parts of the world there’s very minimal access to an actual casino. And this can make it very difficult for avid gamblers to frequent their favorite spots to indulge in this hobby. But with online casinos, gaining access to your favorite table is merely a matter of logging onto your device of choice. 

Online casinos constantly offer new bonuses and promotions

Naturally, since online casinos have become so popular, so many eager investors are quick to establish their operations in an effort to capture more of the market share in such a competitive industry. It’s not enough that casino platforms improve the quality of their sites and gameplay experiences anymore. These days, it’s absolutely integral that online casinos offer many generous bonuses and promotions in order to entice gamblers to hop onto their particular sites. 

Anonymity is easier on online platforms

In many parts of the world, gambling is still seen as a very taboo form of recreation. There’s still a certain stigma that’s attached to gambling, especially when it’s done in large quantities. So, some people like to maintain their discretion and anonymity while partaking in this favorite pastime of theirs. This is much harder to accomplish in traditional casinos wherein a person’s physical presence is required for bets to take place. However, in an online casino, it’s much easier for people to hide behind digital personas and avatars. That way, they can still enjoy the hobby without having to reveal their full identity towards other players or gamblers. 

Data privacy and security have vastly improved

In the past, people may have been skeptical of feeding their money and private information into online databases and platforms. However, these days, people are becoming more comfortable with doing so due to the fact that data privacy and security are now considered priorities by most websites. This is especially true for online casinos that are subjected to the highest standards when it comes to data privacy and security protocol by the regulatory bodies that oversee their operations. 

Payment options are diverse and reliable

Lastly, it’s a lot easier for people to deposit bets and make payments online. This is due to the presence of various third-party payment portals like PayPal that are making digital transactions easier and more convenient for everyone. In traditional casinos, one would require access to actual cash on hand in order for them to begin playing. With digital transactions, the whole process is concretized and made much simpler.