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English ‘Crusaders’ banned from the World Cup

The Editor
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English ‘Crusaders’ banned from the World Cup
English ‘Crusaders’ banned from the World Cup
English ‘Crusaders’ banned from the football World Cup stadium

Football fans dressed as ‘Crusaders’ have been banned from England’s World Cup quarter-final showdown with France.

December 10th’s meeting of the two old enemies brought memories of the 1415 Battle of Agincourt flooding back. The battle, which brought victory to Henry V’s English Crusaders Army,.took place 607 years ago, around the same time England last won the world cup.

“Cry  God for Harry, England, and Saint George!’’ goes Henry V’s rallying cry in Shakespeare’s eponymous play of 1598. Which tells the story of the great victory over the French. After removing the reference to Harry (Sorry Meghan), the rest of Henry’s roaring speech still holds true. Especially for fans going to all the time and expense of travelling to Qatar dressed as invading English soldiers.

It’s called fun

The English are, of course, known for causing offence to anyone and everyone,. usually without even knowing they are doing it. It is highly unlikely for example, that the handful of fat, English plumbers, posties,.and other assorted white van men, who have sat at home with their WAGS putting together their ‘fancy soldier’s dress’ out of old bedsheets, corrugated cardboard, and Bacofoil, have any enmity towards the French, the Qataris, or any other race of people. It’s just that supporting your national football team at the World Cup is supposed to be fun.

Take for example the Senagalese, whom England played in the last 16 of the tournament. Their fans impressively played an orchestra of warring Djembe drums from the first minute of the match to the last, led by one gentleman dressed as a tribal warrior who seemingly would be more than capable of tearing off the head of an Englishman before he could say “Come on old boy, this is all just a storm in a teacup!”

Surely, no offence should be taken where none is intended? The World Cup is a football festival of colour, noise and excitement – and fancy dress for all!

How to Uphold Your Finances When Reaching Old Age

The Editor
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How to Uphold Your Finances When Reaching Old Age
How to Uphold Your Finances When Reaching Old Age
How to Uphold Your Finances When Reaching Old Age

For many of us when we get older, we see a dramatic decrease in the amount of money in our bank accounts. This could be due to the fact we’re no longer in work, or simply due to having more costs that need to be accounted for. Whatever your situation, there are always ways to improve things! In this article, we are going to delve into ways you can uphold your finances as you get older.

Pension

Your pension is something that you are going to rely on a lot when the time comes. This means that you need to put plenty of contributions into it throughout your career, to ensure that it provides you with enough money when you do need it. This could be a work pension or a personal pension – for example, see here for further information. Your pension is likely to be your main source of income, so make sure that you put regular contributions into it over the years. Other forms of investment could also be extremely useful to you when you are no longer working full time. 

Side Hustle

Having endless time on your hands when you retire can sometimes be a little boring. So, you could consider setting yourself up a little side hustle to keep you busy. Whether it’s something simple like selling baked goods to your neighbours or freelance writing in your free time, it’s definitely something that could occupy you as well as bring in a little extra cash. You could also consider part time work doing something you love. It’s great to keep busy and if you can get paid for it too this is an extra bonus!

Sell Old Items You No Longer Need or Use

Look around your home – how much of your ‘stuff’ do you actually want there? Maybe someone else would appreciate these items more than you do. So, selling them is a great idea. It’ll give you something to focus on and you can make some money in the process! You could do this online through platforms like Facebook Marketplace, or you could go to car boot sales. Whichever you prefer. See if any of your family members would like to give you a helping hand too. 

Downsize

Maybe you’ve had kids and they’ve now moved out. You may have more space than you actually need in your home. Downsizing could be a brilliant way to minimize your housework and bills, whilst maximizing your money. You can find yourself a place that is just as nice to live in, only smaller. This will also give you more money to play with! Definitely worth your consideration as you get older. Plus, who wants to manage a huge house when you’re probably not as mobile as you once were? Downsizing is the answer. 

Keeping your finances in check when you get older doesn’t have to be a slog. With some pre-planning and sensible decisions, you can ensure that you and your family are set up for the future. 

Cold war bunker heats-up Suffolk property market

The Editor
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Cold war bunker heats-up Suffolk property market
Cold war bunker heats-up Suffolk property market
Cold War Bunker

A cold war bunker that used to serve as a Royal Observer Corps. monitoring post has been put on the market for £25,000 or ₽1894520 Russian rubles.

The cold war bunker which just looks cold,.was built in the mid-1950s when the threat of a nuclear attack from Russia.was real in the minds of madmen at least.

Nuclear arsenal 3 v 0  Atomic Tottenham

Set in a third of an acre of unsightly wasteland at a secret location, somewhere near Ipswich. The bijou ‘des res’ is proving popular among young, upwardly-mobile professional house-hunters.who want to live in a property ‘with character’ close to transport links,.although not necessarily the mobile Topol-M missile launcher which is parked-up in nearby bushes.

The hidden Cold War Bunker

The terrifying, prison-like ‘home’ (vault) is buried 90 feet underground and is accessible only via a vertical steel ladder (cold) within a narrow, unlit shaft. Other features include a single bed with an itchy, grey woolen blanket. A wobbly metal desk (cold) from which you can telegraph to your comrades.that the first nuclear strike is on its way. And a cupboard in which to keep maps, body bags, gas masks, tea bags, tins of beans, and some porno mags from the 1980s. You could be there for a very long time.

Nuclear plant

Also included in the sale price is a garden of Stinging Nettles which,.if you actually try to use would render your calves and feet utterly useless. Although such injuries would be as nothing compared to the 100% burns, ney,.the entire removal of the outer skin and most of the muscle tissue.which would have resulted had an actual nuclear war taken place there.

Please contact Kremlin Estates for more information.

Rare Turkey to hit supermarket shelves this Christmas

The Editor
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Rare Turkey to hit supermarket shelves this Christmas
Rare Turkey to hit supermarket shelves this Christmas
Rare Turkey to hit supermarket shelves this Christmas

A big fat, well lubricated with juices dripping down her thighs rare turkey will be hitting shelves this christmas.

Don’t you just love a Christmas turkey? A nice big fat one? Don’t you just wanna take a big bite and lick up the warm juice with your salivating tongue as it squirts out the side of your mouth? Mmmmmm. Of course you do!

Well, you can’t ignore this rare Turkey

Because this year, there is no such thing as a fresh turkey. All the birds you’ll find in the supermarkets or even your local butcher’s shop will be pre-frozen, yet still sold as fresh.

Yes. It’s true. Due to shortages of Christmas Turkeys following the outbreak of avian flu, and in a grotesque display of unconscionable knavery, supermarkets have been given permission to advertise and sell frozen turkeys as fresh. Bah Humbug!

Turkey’s off

Last week, fowl industry leaders revealed that over 1 billion free-range rare turkeys due to be sold for Christmas have either died, are in animal hospital or have committed suicide as a result of the untimely outbreaks.

However, because this naturally occurring act of God (avian flu, not Christmas) doesn’t suit the multinationals flogging us the dead meat, they, in cahoots with the DEFRA (The Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs) have agreed that they can just re-write the definition of the word ‘fresh’ to mean ‘frozen’ so as not to sustain enormous cash losses this yuletide. You couldn’t make it up. And yet it was made up…

Turkey crime, 1984

Retro-futuristic author and visionary, George Orwell predicted this precise likelihood in his classic 1949 dystopian novel ‘1984’. Referring to the concept of ‘Doublespeak’ – an authoritarian language of his own creation that deliberately obscures, disguises, distorts, or reverses the meaning of words – he insightfully asserts…

“War is peace.

Freedom is slavery.

Frozen is fresh

Ignorance is strength.”

Or something like that?

Happy frozen, dystopian Christmas, folks!

Baddiel & Skinner release Clean Teeth version of Three Lions

The Editor
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Baddiel & Skinner release Clean Teeth version of Three Lions
Baddiel & Skinner release Clean Teeth version of Three Lions

It’s Toblerone

It’s Toblerone

With honey!

Football Toblerone

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It’s Toblerone

It’s Toblerone

Its yummy!

Football Toblerone

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Everyone seems to know the score

He’s eaten them before

And you know, your so sure…

That fatty just won’t throw it away

‘Cause he loves milky way

It’s his third one today

But I remember…

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Three Lion Bars on his shirt

Fatty’s teeth still gleaming

Thirty years of Lindt

Never stopped him cleaning

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So many Cokes, so many beers

And all those chocolate smears

Wear them down, through the years

But he still eats those crinkle-cut chips

And those Linekar crisps

They go straight to his hips

And his belly’s aching!

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Three Lion Bars on his shirt

Fatty’s teeth still gleaming

Thirty years of Lindt

Never stopped him cleaning

————————–

It’s Toblerone

It’s Toblerone

With honey!

Football Toblerone

The UK: Odd people, odd place names

The Editor
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The UK: Odd people, odd place names
The UK: Odd people, odd place names
Odd place names in the UK

The UK is known for its eccentrics. Here is our pick of the oddest and rudest place names in the UK.

The entire place is full of people who like to wear cats on their heads in July,.eat seven Shredded Wheat for lunch, drive the wrong way down the M11 killing four innocent motorists in a head collision, or read the Wisden Cricketers’ Almanac backwards three times before supper  –  all in the name of harmless, Great British fun. It’s buffoons like these who make it easy for us Brits to laugh at ourselves – just as everyone else does.

The odd Place names

Take, for example, the place names we have given some of our lesser-known towns:-

Wigwig, Shropshire

The birthplace of internationally admired, all-round entertainer, Bruce Forsyth. Bruce ‘Brucey’ Forsyth, purveyor of more catchphrases than popular TV show Catchphrase,.was honoured by his townsfolk in 1973 as a wedding gift to him and his new TV bride, Anthea Redfern, from whom he was divorced six years, and nine toupees later.

Droop, North Dorset

This picturesque hamlet is set amongst unspoiled views of the beautiful Dorset countryside. Its name derives from an 18th Century mayor of Droop who was well known to the local ladies of pleasure. Mayor Jeremiah Smith, who liked more than a large peg or two of dry gin,.often left his female company flummoxed as to what to do with his flaccid mayoral ‘sceptre’ presented to them at the end of a long night in the local tavern, hence the moniker ‘droop’, which gave the hamlet its unflattering, impotent name.

Loose Bottom, East Sussex

Loose Bottom, situated at the border of Lewes and Brighton, is a scenic valley frequented by walkers and people who like dogs, walking dogs, or acting like dogs… with other people… usually strangers to them… who share similar interests.

Great Snoring, Norfolk

You can work this one out for yourselves.

Suffolk Satanist who made 53 calls to 999 was drunk

The Editor
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Suffolk Satanist who made 53 calls to 999 was drunk
Suffolk Satanist who made 53 calls to 999 was drunk
Satanic Priest

A Satanic High Priest who dialled 999, fifty-three times in one evening was… wait for it… drunk.

Satanic Priest David Craghope, 34 of Rectory Road, Whepstead, West Suffolk repeatedly dialled for emergency services before hanging-up each time his call was answered. Police eventually traced the calls and attended Mr Craghope’s address where he was questioned over the calls.

Satanic Priest

Satanic Priest Craghope, who it turns out runs the local occultist sect. The Temple of the Goat, was discovered lying naked on his living room floor inside a pentacle. he had squirted out of a bottle of tomato ketchup. Amongst the amulets, charm stones, severed goat’s hoofs, scrunched cans of Tennent’s Extra,.and stale prawn crackers strewn around his squalid front room, the potty priest of paganism was found mumbling incantations in some strange, indecipherable dialect which later turned out to be East Anglian English.

Sorry, the antichrist isn’t here right now

When asked why he had made the nuisance 999 calls. Satanic Priest Craghope explained through hiccups that he was actually attempting to call Satan direct on 666 but had had his phone upside down.

Emergency services are often pestered with nuisance calls which are a drain on their time and resources.

Enter online now for a chance to win 3 months in prison!

Joanne Capgun from Bury St Edmunds, was handed a 3-month suspended sentence.last July after she admitted three counts of attempting to enter the Loose Women Dream Holiday competition prize draw 175 times by dialling 999 instead of 09068 78 60 60. Asked how she could make such an obvious mistake, she told the court that she had “got confused”.because she had been watching a lot of re-runs of ‘The Bill’ on UK Gold at the time.

72-year-old Vera Loggins, another emergency services pest caller from Metfield in Suffolk,.was given a verbal warning from officers after she recently called on the fire service to attend her gingerbread bungalow claiming that her bedroom carpet was on fire and that a rattlesnake had appeared from under her bed. Officers arriving on the scene discovered no fire, or snake, but rather that the old bird had overdosed on her Olanzapine anti-schizophrenia tablets mistaking them for her Barkleys mini peppermints.

Old-looking-man refused booze at Esso

The Editor
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Old-looking-man refused booze at Esso
Old-looking-man refused booze at Esso
Old-looking-man refused booze at Esso

A 58-year-old man, who looks much older was refused when he tried to buy alcohol at an Esso petrol station for not having an ID.

Being refused alcohol on the basis of not looking one’s age can be considered a compliment,.but not when you look like Brian Hamilton, from Dennington, Suffolk. There is simply no denying that gravel counter, Mr Hamilton, looks like he’s been twice dragged through a hedge backwards.

A spokesman for the garage said: ‘We have been in touch with Mr Hamilton to apologize.for the experience and inconvenience he encountered during his visit to our Esso station. The assistant who served him claims that it wasn’t Mr Hamilton’s age that caused him concern,.clearly looking like a bedraggled 19th British army infantryman returning home.from the Crimean War as he does, it was more to do with his apparent state of inebriation.”

You can have fags at ESSO

Selling alcohol to someone under 18 can lead to a maximum fine of £20,000,.and retailers reserve the right to refuse the sale of alcohol to an adult.if they’re accompanied by a minor and think the alcohol is being bought for the minor.

There are however, no restrictions on selling alcohol to shit-faced, elderly workers. Even if they do have pieces of cornish pasty embedded within their tobacco-stained,.Lord Kitchener moustaches – however the decision to sell is left to the discretion of the retailer.

We attempted to contact Mr Hamilton at his home to ask him if there was any truth in the allegation that it was not his age,.but rather his alcoholism that prevented him from being served lager at the Esso station. Another old-looking man with a moustache answered the door and told us that Mr Hamilton was unavailable for comment due to him being “Down the Texaco”.

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