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New Xbox game & Gamer lost a leg

The Editor
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New Xbox game & Gamer lost a leg
New Xbox game & Gamer lost a leg
New Xbox game & Gamer lost a leg

Gaming enthusiast, Lorraine Fisher-34, was so excited to own the new Xbox game ‘Tsunami Shark Attack’ that she queued for 8 hours in the rain outside the ‘Game On Tech Store’.

Hours later, the gaming geek was fighting to save a leg, as she was viciously attacked by a REAL SHARK in scenes more horrific and blood curdling than anything seen on a gaming screen.

New Xbox games Day-dreamer

Whilst waiting in line outside the games store, day-dreaming of hunting down and slaying numerous Great Whites, Hammerheads, and Japanese Sawsharks, Lorraine found herself caught in the early stages of storm ‘Veronica’, which later that day devastated the Nasugba Bay area of the Island of Luzon.

The Island is frequently battered by severe storms, typhoons, hurricanes, earthquakes and tsunamis but even Luzon-born, Gregorio wasn’t prepared for what lie ahead.

Sharkskin Onesie

After enduring a battering bus ride back to her home in Matakungbay Beach, excited Fisher, pulled up the hood on her anorak as she dashed back to the apparent safety of her home.

Terrifyingly, a lashing force 12 hurricane had by this time, enveloped the bay area and was quickly destroying everything in sight. Unphased, the nerdy techno-weeb, hastily changed into her sharkskin onesie and headed into the lounge to fire up the ‘Girl vs Megalodon’ title that she had been so longing to play.

The thrashing wind and beating rain whipped at the exterior of the girl’s flimsy home as the beeping computer noises and title music began to emit from Fisher’s games console. She sat cross-legged, transfixed even, as her own on-screen avatar battled against the computerized, pixelated array of girl-eating sharks, swirling around her in the depths of the digitized South China Sea.

Problem was, she didn’t notice that a massive, deathly Tsunami – Tsumani Dave – was about to send mega-gallons of the REAL South China sea crashing down on top of her paper-thin dwelling.

Smush & Swivel

And that was it. Foot-long shards of glass and piercing splinters of balsa-thin wood ricocheted in all directions. Bits of Palm trees battered what was left of the disintegrating lounge.

The collapsing ‘house of cards’ which moments earlier, was a gamer’s paradise, was now a torrential aquarium, filled with bubbling, frothing seawater and all its multifarious aquatic contents, including… wait for it… a pissed-off Great White Shark.

Aaaaaaargh!!!!! Chomp!!! Thrash!!! Smush!!! Swivel!!! Screaaaaam!!!!

One leg later, it was all over. The storm passed. The Tsunami settled. The blood oozed. But the game went on. The computer game never ends.

The new Xbox game ‘Tsunami Shark Attack’  – available at all good games retailers NOW!

Ipswich Poundland fined £565,000 over asbestos

The Editor
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Ipswich Poundland fined £565,000 over asbestos
Ipswich Poundland fined
Ipswich Poundland ‘Asbesto Original Porridge Oats’ breakfast cereal

Lower-class retailer Ipswich Poundland has been fined £565,000 for a series of asbestos management failures.

Ipswich Borough Council prosecuted the retailer after finding that it had used the fibrous killer mineral as the main ingredient in some of its ‘CheapoGrub’ range (low-cost shit food) introduced to attract slobby, working-class, stay-at-home mums in the wake of the cost-of-living crisis.

The importation, supply and use of all asbestos have been banned in the UK since 1999 after the discovery that breathing in asbestos dust or fibres could cause fatal diseases, including cancer, but it is thought that the lethal, splintery ingredient has made its way into the country alongside other tasteless foods being imported from the European Union – Boooo!

CheapoGrub – Mmmmm! Tasty!

Inspectors found that the Chrysotile variation of the naturally occurring mineral was found to make up 95% of the ingredients of Poundland’s ‘Asbesto Original Porridge Oats’ breakfast cereal which retails for… £1, and is one of the dirt-cheap supermarket’s best-selling products.

A second product, Poundland ‘Savoury Fibre Crackers’ – a rip-off of Ryvita Crispbreads, was found to be produced from three asbestos minerals Crocidolite, Amosite, and Anthophyllite in a ’deathly blend from hell’.

Ipswich Poundland fined
Ipswich Poundland ‘Savoury Fibre Crackers’ for cheese

All the Cancers

Asbestos exposure still kills around 5,000 workers in the U.K. each year. Mesothelioma is a type of cancer almost exclusively caused by asbestos exposure. The mineral also causes asbestos-related lung cancer, ovarian cancer and laryngeal cancer.

I Predict a Riot near Ipswich Poundland

We asked Ipswich Poundland to comment on the shocking revelations. An unrepentant spokesman speaking to us from Warren Hill Prison in Woodbridge said “Look, the poor people wanted food they could afford and we gave it to them. What do they expect for a pound FFS? Have you any idea how much real wheat costs these days? It’s about £50 a sheaf! You get what you pay for.”

Shouting above the din of what sounded like a riot beginning behind him, the spokesman wanted to be heard “It can’t be any worse than some of the sh*t they are selling at Aldi these days. And Tesco. (W.C. ‘Tescos’) Have you tried their ‘Multigrain Meteors’? ‘Carefully selected grains’. My arse! ‘Enjoy (that’s a strong word) as part of a varied and balanced diet’ it says on the box. I think that refers to the box. It certainly tastes better than what’s inside. Frankly, I’d rather eat a bowl of our Asbesto Porridge.”

W.C. = Working Class

The REAL Mary Rose Tudor Warship Found in Woodbridge!

The Editor
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The REAL Mary Rose Tudor Warship Found in Woodbridge!
The REAL Mary Rose Tudor Warship Found in Woodbridge!
The REAL Mary Rose Tudor Warship Found in Woodbridge!

Anyone in their late 40’s or older will be able to tell you about the day King Henry VIII’s lost warship. The Mary Rose was raised from its centuries-old resting place at the bottom of the Solent.

The date was 11 October 1982, and millions of Britons, young and old huddled around proper, square television sets known as ‘boxes’ to watch the event of the century.

BBC1, BBC2 & Mary Rose

The salvage operation was aired live on all 2 channels that Britain had back then, and the anticipation was almost unbearable, as delay after delay caused excitable children to be late for school for want of seeing history come alive in their own living rooms.

We waited, all of us, for what seemed like hours to see the glorious Tudor warship emerge from the murky, magical, gurgling expanse. We wondered how magnificent would be its main, mizzen, and fore masts.

Its pennants unfurl and bluster in the valiant winds over the English coastline, and its ornate stern castle and balcony rise majestically from the stygian depths of the Solent.

The entire nation was mesmerised as though we all were sharing the same nautical, Tudor dream. Would King Henry himself rise up with his ship, proudly commanding the poop deck, fat hands on hips, glorying in his and his vessel’s heroic resurrection? None of us could be sure. And then… and then… something began to arise! Here it comes! Here it comes!…

The REAL Mary Rose

What the f*ck?

Is that it? That pile of shitty, wet planks of wood that look like they’ve just been fly-tipped by a fat labourer from the back of a stolen transit van? Seriously? F*ck that, let’s go to school.

Vessel Enthusiasts Can Be Forgotten

Today, however, after forty long years of waiting, the massive sense of anticlimax felt that day by millions of fairweather, Carrack-class, marine vessel enthusiasts can be forgotten. For the REAL Mary Rose has been discovered beneath the River Deben at Whisstocks Quay in Woodbridge!

Just as we all suspected, that pile of crap they dragged out of the Solent in 1982 – which is still on display in Portsmouth Historic Dockyard – was not the real Mary Rose. It couldn’t have been. It was just so… disappointing.

Even Better Than The Real Thing

Having been hauled out of the mud at the bottom of the quay by a tractor a week last Thursday, The REAL THING – the real, ACTUAL MARY ROSE was showed-off being sailed successfully around the quay in a way that the fake 1980’s Mary Rose could only dream of.

The ‘Suffolk Schooner VIII’ as she has been dubbed by tipsy locals, is everything the 80s Mary Rose wasn’t – a fully intact hull and main deck, including cross-strut seating. Its main mast still stands proud, secured by some basic, single-rope rigging. There are even a couple of oars on deck.

Local Naval confirmed its Mary Rose

We spoke to the Mayor of Casterbridge who said of the resurrection of the great ship of war “The great seafaring people of Suffolk are rightly proud of this great discovery. Suffolk will now forever be linked with heroic King Henry VIII and his beloved Mary Rose. And that’s not all. Next week we are going to start looking for local naval hero Horatio Nelson’s H.M.S. Victory which we believe is located on the bed, five miles from the coast of Thorpeness.”

Auston Matthews’ Future Should Be The Least Of Toronto Maple Leafs Fans’ Worries

The Editor
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Auston Matthews’ Future Should Be The Least Of Toronto Maple Leafs Fans’ Worries
Auston Matthews’ Future Should Be The Least Of Toronto Maple Leafs Fans’ Worries

Toronto Maple Leafs fans have a few reasons to be nervous over the future of Auston Matthews, and that’s just one of the things they have to worry about.

The team hasn’t won a playoff series in well-nigh 20 years and is still in the NHL’s most difficult division. There’s also the small matter of having a GM without a new contract, while they’ve gone with two options in goal who beg some questions.

Matthews’ contract situation seems to be the biggest concern among Leafs supporters but it’s probably the one least deserving as the player still has two years remaining on his deal. The league’s collective bargaining agreement is currently preventing him from signing an extension. He can’t do so until July 1, 2023.

There’s a no-movement clause in the deal that will activate on the aforementioned date which would leave him free to wait until the end of his deal and head straight into free agency without Toronto having the option to trade him. This is, of course, reason to panic, but the positives definitely outweigh the negatives in Matthews’ case.

The fact that Matthews actually wants to remain in Toronto should be comforting. When training camp kicked off a few weeks ago, the 25-year-old reiterated his desire to remain part of the organization. “I really love playing in the city of Toronto,” he said. “I consider it home now.”

Sure, plenty of sports personalities have made statements along the same tune before moving elsewhere. This is particularly frequent in the NHL, yet Matthews seemed pretty sincere and it’s understood that his motivations lie in comfort and an opportunity to win. Going back home to Arizona, which has been rumored, does not appear to be a priority for the 2016 No.1 draft pick.

The Leafs haven’t quite done him justice on the winning front but they have put a roster together that has been a contender for the last three years. The player also has some very close friends on the team who are locked down to lengthy contracts. There is also lots of hope within the team that they will become a winning franchise in time to come.

Persons outside of the organization and its support likely feel very differently given the manner in which the Leafs have underachieved for the last several years, which should reflect in the activity where Ontario sports betting is concerned. However, the men in the locker room are understood to believe that they will make the breakthrough soon enough.

“It’s still disappointing with the same result,” the player told reporters last month. “But I think there’s a lot of things that you can take – a lot of positives – from it and move forward.

“You can’t live in the past.”

He also pointed to the Tampa Bay Lightning and Colorado Avalanche, who found success after several years of mediocrity.

“It took them a really long time to win,” he added. “They had to go through a lot.

“We’re all working towards the same goal.”

The NHL’s salary cap is also set to be raised significantly and will leave the Leafs with plenty of room to extend the center’s deal.

NHL revenues have gone back up following the hit it suffered because of the COVID-19 pandemic and the cap could go up to as much as $100 million by the time Toronto will be able to sign Matthews.

According to Elliotte Friedman, the NHL’s upper limit could reach $88 million in 2024 and $92 million in 2025, which would mark the first two seasons of any new deal. Toronto will be able to offer the player a huge raise on his existing $11.64 million cap hit and not have to worry about how they’re going to take care of the rest of the players in the squad.

The Maple Leafs actually have one of the best financial paths in the league, when it comes to the cap. They only have $31 million committed while a number of youngsters are on entry-level contracts and cheap second deals.

They have some enviable flexibility moving forward and, should they re-sign Matthews, will be able to compete with the teams considered to be contenders.

Of course, that wouldn’t be the height of what they’d have to do to romp with the best teams in the NHL. There are several key decisions to be made, especially when the likes of John Tavares and T.J Brodie hit that age decline point. Young players such as Timothy Liljegren, Nick Robertson, and Rasmus Sandin will also need to be developed properly.

Auston Matthews’ Future Should Be The Least Of Toronto Maple Leafs Fans’ Worries

Vengeful European Union crashed Brit Pound

The Editor
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Vengeful European Union crashed Brit Pound
Vengeful European Union crashed Brit Pound

“Remainers are to blame for the run on the Brit Pound” claims hedge fund tycoon Crispin Odey.

The arch Brexiteer was quoted in the Telegraph arguing that the rout on the currency in the wake of Kwasi Kwarteng’s tax cuts was triggered by Remainers in the City who “hate” the Government.

“I never felt the kind of hate that Friday stirred up for a long time,” he said.

“Amongst lots of friends of mine who are Remainers, they just decided that they hate this Government. Obviously Kwasi they hate now as well, and they think Liz Truss is useless. They can’t stand poor Jacob Rees-Mogg.”

So was the EU, its fifth and sixth columns in the City of London, and the IMF really behind the vicious currency attack on UK PLC?

You decide…

Funny Figures & Brit Pound

Kristalina Georgieva is the Bulgarian ‘economist’ currently serving as Managing Director of the International Monetary Fund. Who delivered the rebuke to the UK Gov that sent sterling into its recent cataclysmic tailspin.

Who?

Exactly. According to her own organization – the IMF, her native country of Bulgaria was the 11th  poorest country out of 46 in Europe in 2021. Considering this, one wonders if Mrs Georgieva is actually best placed to criticize the UK’s economic policies, which in the same period made it the 14th richest. If Georgieva really knew what she was talking about, surely her time would be better spent imparting her sage advice to her own country-folk, in order to help them improve their own unenviable economic situation.

Or maybe the Bulgarians don’t want it? Perhaps they are aware that Georgieva is not, in reality, as competent with actual numbers as she likes to make out. Could it be that the Bulgarian Government is all too aware of the 2021 independent inquiry which determined that Georgieva had “instructed staff” at the World Bank, where she was in position as the Chief Executive, to “inflate data to make China look better.”

Ahem.

Regardless of the shady Bulgarian’s love of ‘funny figures’, at least she can’t be accused of ‘playing politics’ in her role at the IMF – the organization which claims to ‘work to achieve sustainable growth and prosperity for all of its 190 member countries.’ – of which the UK is, of course, one. Surely?

Well actually…no.

Additional A-holes behind Brit Pound fall

Before her role at the World Bank, Georgieva served as… wait for it… Vice-President of the European Commission under President Jean-Claude Juncker. The same Jean-Claude Juncker who was regularly torn additional A-holes by Nigel Farage as the two dueled in the European Parliament. Although not a ‘remainer’ per se, and though she would never admit it, politically Georgieva is, clearly, lock, stock, and barrel, anti a strong and independent UK.

And what was it she said in her recent public castigation of the British Chancellor Kwarteng?

 “Furthermore, the nature of the UK measures will likely increase inequality.”

Likely increase inequality? She should know about that. Her salary at the IMF is believed to be $351,758 and her net worth estimated at $3 Million.

We will probably never know who, or what caused this week’s Brit Pound crash, but one thing is crystal clear. ‘Increased inequality’ is something that Kristalina Georgieva, the EU and the IMF are genuinely experts at.

David Cameron hogs pork sector

The Editor
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David Cameron hogs pork sector
David Cameron hogs pork sector
David Cameron hogs pork sector

Swine fetishist and former P.M. David Cameron has done it again! It is reported that he is to expand his ‘Empire of the Pig’ by trading in the boneless rectums of the loveable, omnivorous, domesticated, even-toed, hoofed mammals.

Trotters Independent Trading

This is not the first, second or even third time that David Cameron has been linked to a pig’s arse… and that is not a reference to Boris Johnson.

The term ‘Piggate’ refers to a claim that while at Uni, the former pro & anti Brexit P.M. David Cameron, willingly inserted his penis and testicles into a dead pig’s mouth as part of an initiation ceremony for the Piers Gaveston Society at Oxford University.

In September 2016, the Suffolk Gazette reported how David Cameron had invested in a Stanton pig farm, and in January 2018, we carried the story of how Dave, Michael Gove and other Brexit MPs were served pig rectum vol-au-vents by pranksters at a Westminster gala.

Snout Wrong With It

Boneless pork rectums or ‘pork bungs’ are used in dry sausages, smoked sausage, liverwurst and Asian pork dumplings. Favoured by Korean consumers, over 500,000 rectums are imported per year.

Sow Cameron Likes It

Whether D.C.s latest hog-related shenanigans are another attempt to disseminate (W.C. ‘spread around’) positive pork stories in the hope that they will dilute ‘Piggate’, is not clear. Whatever the reason, David Cameron seems unable to stay away from the snorting genus Sus Domesticus.

W.C. = Working Class

Supersized Seagull squats on scaffold in Southwold

The Editor
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Supersized Seagull squats on scaffold in Southwold
Supersized Seagull squats on scaffold in Southwold
Supersized Seagull squats on scaffold in Southwold

Southwold amateur photographer, Brendan P. Carlisle couldn’t believe his luck when on Thursday of last week, he spotted a gigantic seagull perched atop a scaffold supporting the last remaining B.H.S store in Suffolk.

Brendan: “I’d just come out of Greggs in the High St. I’d gone in for the express purpose of buying a bag of warm sausage rolls. I don’t like any of their other products.

I walked straight to the counter where the sausage rolls are on display under a heat lamp. ‘Mmmmm, delicious!’ I was thinking. I had been hungry for about 45 minutes. I’d noticed that there were only five sausage rolls left.

They had many more vegan sausage rolls but that’s hardly surprising! Anyway, the guy behind the counter was dicking around on the till. He didn’t seem to know what he was doing.

I assumed either it was his first day on the job or he was a bit thick.  He hadn’t acknowledged me yet, probably because I was standing back a bit from the counter as I didn’t want to be ‘in his face’ while he was sorting himself out. I’m polite like that.”

This reporter wondered when Mr Carlisle would get around to telling us about the giant seagull.

“Anyway. He eventually seems to have sorted out whatever the f*ck it was he was doing with the till, and I am getting ready to approach the counter to put my order in when… and this bit makes me feel physically sick recounting it…when this short, fat – well, more dumpy really – really unattractive woman with reddish curly hair steps right in front of me from pretty much out of nowhere.

Now… she knows I’m there. 100%. Moments before this fat rudeness, I had sensed someone (her) behind me in the shop – in my peripheral vision. I’m very good at that. I have very good spacial awareness.

I know that she had been sniffing around in the refrigerated shelving behind me and to my left. So, like I say, this horrible, short, fat, hog-like woman has gone directly towards the counter, right where the till is. Stepped right in front of me, with haste. Pushed in.

‘Seagull’ The humongous bird?

“Yeah, yeah. The Seagull. Anyway. So she says to the guy on the till ‘three sausage rolls.’ I don’t think she even said ‘please’. With mouth agape, I lifted both hands – gesturing towards her – and silently shook my head in that way that you do when you can’t believe what is going on right in front of your f*king face.

The stupid, fat cow was also carrying a load of other shit she had picked up from the refrigerator, I can’t remember exactly what… crisps…drinks, cakes etc. Greedy f*cking bitch. Anyway.

The counter guy goes to get ‘her’ sausage rolls. He still looks confused. F*ck knows what about? What is there to be confused about in a f*cking Greggs Bakery – apart from how to queue properly, of course.”

What about the photo? Of the giant bird?

“Yeah, the Seagull. So the fat, little bitch is standing there waiting for the guy to get the rest of her ‘snack’, deliberately avoiding eye contact with me. I couldn’t do it. The f*cking cheek of the woman. So anyway, as I’m standing there – in shock – two things happen.”

FFS

“First, It dawns on me what’s just happened. The greedy pig-woman must have clocked that there were only five sausage rolls left in the shop while she was still behind me. It was 6.30pm after all. She’s obviously realized that there was a chance I might buy most or all of the rolls. She wasn’t gonna risk that – so that’s why she’s done it – pushed the f*ck in so that she can get her fat f*cking, pudgy, sweaty hands on MY sausage f*cking rolls!”

What was the second thing?

“The second thing that happened was that I could sense – using that E.S.P. that I have – that another customer had come into the shop. Without even looking at him, I sensed it was a male, that he was hungry and a bit gormless. I noticed, in my right-hand peripheral vision, that he was drifting towards the counter, where, on the other side of me, the fat little c*nt was making her escape with my food. Anyway, it occurred to me that I now had a new competitor for the remaining sausage rolls. I mean, it’s the only thing people go in there for, right? So how many sausage rolls are left now that the animal has gone? Two. How many people in the shop? Two. What do you think I did?”

I don’t know. What did you do?

“I f*cking bought ONE sausage f*cking roll. Not like the dragon. I deliberately left the other one for the dufus behind me, not even knowing if he wanted it. That’s the kind of guy I am.”

Well done, mate. Now… about the king-size pigeon. I mean seagull. What happened?

“Oh, that? Nothing. It wasn’t real. It was just a mural by some street artist. ATM I think his name his? Or hers.”

Storm Daisy’s lightning deliveries

The Editor
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Storm Daisy’s lightning deliveries
Storm Daisy’s lightning deliveries
Delivery vehicle pushed by the Storm Daisy

Delivery driver Lorraine Fisher, 34 has been congratulated by bosses at Ipswich trucking firm HRG Haulage Ltd for completing her delivery round in whirlwind time because of Storm Daisy.

Assisted by the gale force winds of Storm Daisy, thwacking East Anglia at over 200mph, Fisher, who has been trucking for less than two years, completed her usual 5-hour round trip in 1hr 57mins, a thunderous time previously unheard of in haulage circles.

Deliveries during the Storm Daisy

Beginning in Ipswich and taking in the locales of Colchester, Bishop’s Stortford, Cambridge, Peterborough, King’s Lynn, and Norwich, fearless Fisher completed her deliveries in hair-raising style, in-keeping with one of the ladette trucker’s favourite TV shows, freight-based haulage hit, Ice Road Truckers. 

This reporter caught up with Fisher shortly after her bosses contacted us with their nerve-jangling story. I asked her how she achieved such an incredible feat of HGV-ing? Chewing gum as she spoke, the pretty, but common driver told me “Weeeeeell, oive been droivin’ thart route now for abart six months so I knows it okay.

I knows arl the bends in the road n’thart. I knows where arl the inclines, cambers n’ speed traps are n’thart. So, oi knows the roads really well. On top o’thart, oi luuurves that TV show ‘Oice Road Truckers’. I absolutely luvs that. Thas suffen good is thart.”

Finally getting to the point, the attractive yet inarticulate articulated lorriest spouted “When the 200 mph tailwind kicked in, thart was thart. There was no stoppin’ us. Lolliparp n’me. Lolliparp – that’s my artic. That’s what oi calls her. Oi got thart from Oice Road Truckers. Y’know… oice… Oice lolly… Lolliparp!”

The Motorist

A shit-scared motorist who was following ‘Lolliparp’ along the A47 near Ring’s End, caught the Beaufort scale-defying ‘wind wagon’ careering between lanes on one wheel. Asked whether this was a deliberate manoeuvre, windswept Fisher, 34 told us “Yep. Oi saw thart on Oice Road Truckers. Anyways, best I git gorn now, Mustn’t dawdle.”

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