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Supersized Seagull squats on scaffold in Southwold

The Editor
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Supersized Seagull squats on scaffold in Southwold
Supersized Seagull squats on scaffold in Southwold
Supersized Seagull squats on scaffold in Southwold

Southwold amateur photographer, Brendan P. Carlisle couldn’t believe his luck when on Thursday of last week, he spotted a gigantic seagull perched atop a scaffold supporting the last remaining B.H.S store in Suffolk.

Brendan: “I’d just come out of Greggs in the High St. I’d gone in for the express purpose of buying a bag of warm sausage rolls. I don’t like any of their other products.

I walked straight to the counter where the sausage rolls are on display under a heat lamp. ‘Mmmmm, delicious!’ I was thinking. I had been hungry for about 45 minutes. I’d noticed that there were only five sausage rolls left.

They had many more vegan sausage rolls but that’s hardly surprising! Anyway, the guy behind the counter was dicking around on the till. He didn’t seem to know what he was doing.

I assumed either it was his first day on the job or he was a bit thick.  He hadn’t acknowledged me yet, probably because I was standing back a bit from the counter as I didn’t want to be ‘in his face’ while he was sorting himself out. I’m polite like that.”

This reporter wondered when Mr Carlisle would get around to telling us about the giant seagull.

“Anyway. He eventually seems to have sorted out whatever the f*ck it was he was doing with the till, and I am getting ready to approach the counter to put my order in when… and this bit makes me feel physically sick recounting it…when this short, fat – well, more dumpy really – really unattractive woman with reddish curly hair steps right in front of me from pretty much out of nowhere.

Now… she knows I’m there. 100%. Moments before this fat rudeness, I had sensed someone (her) behind me in the shop – in my peripheral vision. I’m very good at that. I have very good spacial awareness.

I know that she had been sniffing around in the refrigerated shelving behind me and to my left. So, like I say, this horrible, short, fat, hog-like woman has gone directly towards the counter, right where the till is. Stepped right in front of me, with haste. Pushed in.

‘Seagull’ The humongous bird?

“Yeah, yeah. The Seagull. Anyway. So she says to the guy on the till ‘three sausage rolls.’ I don’t think she even said ‘please’. With mouth agape, I lifted both hands – gesturing towards her – and silently shook my head in that way that you do when you can’t believe what is going on right in front of your f*king face.

The stupid, fat cow was also carrying a load of other shit she had picked up from the refrigerator, I can’t remember exactly what… crisps…drinks, cakes etc. Greedy f*cking bitch. Anyway.

The counter guy goes to get ‘her’ sausage rolls. He still looks confused. F*ck knows what about? What is there to be confused about in a f*cking Greggs Bakery – apart from how to queue properly, of course.”

What about the photo? Of the giant bird?

“Yeah, the Seagull. So the fat, little bitch is standing there waiting for the guy to get the rest of her ‘snack’, deliberately avoiding eye contact with me. I couldn’t do it. The f*cking cheek of the woman. So anyway, as I’m standing there – in shock – two things happen.”

FFS

“First, It dawns on me what’s just happened. The greedy pig-woman must have clocked that there were only five sausage rolls left in the shop while she was still behind me. It was 6.30pm after all. She’s obviously realized that there was a chance I might buy most or all of the rolls. She wasn’t gonna risk that – so that’s why she’s done it – pushed the f*ck in so that she can get her fat f*cking, pudgy, sweaty hands on MY sausage f*cking rolls!”

What was the second thing?

“The second thing that happened was that I could sense – using that E.S.P. that I have – that another customer had come into the shop. Without even looking at him, I sensed it was a male, that he was hungry and a bit gormless. I noticed, in my right-hand peripheral vision, that he was drifting towards the counter, where, on the other side of me, the fat little c*nt was making her escape with my food. Anyway, it occurred to me that I now had a new competitor for the remaining sausage rolls. I mean, it’s the only thing people go in there for, right? So how many sausage rolls are left now that the animal has gone? Two. How many people in the shop? Two. What do you think I did?”

I don’t know. What did you do?

“I f*cking bought ONE sausage f*cking roll. Not like the dragon. I deliberately left the other one for the dufus behind me, not even knowing if he wanted it. That’s the kind of guy I am.”

Well done, mate. Now… about the king-size pigeon. I mean seagull. What happened?

“Oh, that? Nothing. It wasn’t real. It was just a mural by some street artist. ATM I think his name his? Or hers.”

Storm Daisy’s lightning deliveries

The Editor
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Storm Daisy’s lightning deliveries
Storm Daisy’s lightning deliveries
Delivery vehicle pushed by the Storm Daisy

Delivery driver Lorraine Fisher, 34 has been congratulated by bosses at Ipswich trucking firm HRG Haulage Ltd for completing her delivery round in whirlwind time because of Storm Daisy.

Assisted by the gale force winds of Storm Daisy, thwacking East Anglia at over 200mph, Fisher, who has been trucking for less than two years, completed her usual 5-hour round trip in 1hr 57mins, a thunderous time previously unheard of in haulage circles.

Deliveries during the Storm Daisy

Beginning in Ipswich and taking in the locales of Colchester, Bishop’s Stortford, Cambridge, Peterborough, King’s Lynn, and Norwich, fearless Fisher completed her deliveries in hair-raising style, in-keeping with one of the ladette trucker’s favourite TV shows, freight-based haulage hit, Ice Road Truckers. 

This reporter caught up with Fisher shortly after her bosses contacted us with their nerve-jangling story. I asked her how she achieved such an incredible feat of HGV-ing? Chewing gum as she spoke, the pretty, but common driver told me “Weeeeeell, oive been droivin’ thart route now for abart six months so I knows it okay.

I knows arl the bends in the road n’thart. I knows where arl the inclines, cambers n’ speed traps are n’thart. So, oi knows the roads really well. On top o’thart, oi luuurves that TV show ‘Oice Road Truckers’. I absolutely luvs that. Thas suffen good is thart.”

Finally getting to the point, the attractive yet inarticulate articulated lorriest spouted “When the 200 mph tailwind kicked in, thart was thart. There was no stoppin’ us. Lolliparp n’me. Lolliparp – that’s my artic. That’s what oi calls her. Oi got thart from Oice Road Truckers. Y’know… oice… Oice lolly… Lolliparp!”

The Motorist

A shit-scared motorist who was following ‘Lolliparp’ along the A47 near Ring’s End, caught the Beaufort scale-defying ‘wind wagon’ careering between lanes on one wheel. Asked whether this was a deliberate manoeuvre, windswept Fisher, 34 told us “Yep. Oi saw thart on Oice Road Truckers. Anyways, best I git gorn now, Mustn’t dawdle.”

Anyone earning less than £50k will get a ‘Pay Rise’ says: Martin Lewis

The Editor
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Anyone earning less than £50k will get a ‘Pay Rise’ says: Martin Lewis
Anyone earning less than £50k will get a 'Pay Rise' says: Martin Lewis
Anyone earning less than £50k will get a ‘Pay Rise’ says: Martin Lewis

Martin Lewis, the economic know-it-all who loves money more than any other substance on Earth, has revealed that there is ‘positive news’ in the government’s recent mini-budget for households earning roughly £50,000 or less.

Brain Sale

The financial journalist who sold part of his brain to Moneysupermarket.com group for a reported £87m in 2012, and who has a personal fortune estimated at £123m, said that average workers will likely gain… wait for it… £170… next year.

£170. Next year.

Uber-rich financial journalist, Lewis, who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing, allegedly said this with a straight face.

Average Journalist VS Martin Lewis

With the cost of living crisis biting harder and more deeply into the pockets of the ‘average’ put-upon Brit, one might think £170 a little on the low side? Especially (as Lewis takes delight in reminding us) we’re already ‘earning £50,000 or less’, ‘less’ being the operative word. This average journalist says “Try £20,000 or less, Martin!”

We asked our average readers to tell us what they will be spending their ‘good news’ £170 windfall on next year.

Briony Phillips from Wherstead told us “I’ll be putting the money towards food, blankets and medicine for my family and Aleksander, the Ukranian refugee we took in 4 months ago. We thought he’s be gone by now but, nope. I estimate that the…how much did you say? £170? I estimate that will last about a day.”

Kelvin Smith from Henley near Ipswich replied “For my family of six, that’s two week’s shop plus the petrol to get there and back. So basically, we can eat for two weeks. Not exactly good news is it? I mean, I’m not going to get the bunting out.”

Welsh Recommendations

Our economic expert, Trevor Griffiths calculated what else could be bought for £170 ‘next year’ when prices are likely to be double what they are now. Here are his top 5 recommendations:

  • Pay off the interest on your six credit cards for one month.
  • Ten minutes driving around the City of London in a black cab looking for a vacant doorway to sleep in.
  • A one-way flight to Tehran to sell a kidney.
  • Full set of upper and lower false teeth for a pet cat or dog.
  • Enough booze, drugs, fags, and candles for one last afternoon of misery on planet Earth.

Next week! Martin Lewis selects his favourite, value-for-money Ferraris and Faberge eggs.

Suffolk schoolgirl crowned UK’s best Digger driver

The Editor
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Suffolk schoolgirl crowned UK’s best Digger driver
Suffolk Schoolgirl Crowned UK’s Best Digger Driver
Suffolk Schoolgirl Crowned UK’s Best Digger Driver

A 14-year-old girl from Bramfield has been named the best digger driver in the country – beating her nan and sister to the crown.

Schoolgirl, Nicola Griffiths saw off her rivals at the HSB hire and plant Monster Digger competition to pick up the £7,500 top prize. That’s enough to buy 625 copies of Harry Styles’ new album or 83 pairs of Nike Air Max 90 trainers.

Martha, my dear

The pretty but pudgy teen, was up against 60 other competitors, including her nan, Martha, who finished second, and her older sister Joanne who came last having been rushed to hospital with a suspected squashed leg.

The digger driver competition involved various skills tests such as breakdancing to jazz-funk music from the early 80s while controlling a 21-tonne excavator.

Griffiths the younger said: “All three of us Griffiths’ are nutters so none of us knew what was likely to happen. I never dreamt I would win. Apart from what I learned in Bulgaria, nan taught me everything I know about digging so I don’t think I could have done it without her. She is the real winner in my digger’s eyes.”

Kidnapped former stripper forced to lay in Bulgaria

Hannah, who started out as a bacon-stripper at a local pig farm. First became interested in construction and digging when she was kidnapped by an eastern European human-trafficking gang and forced to work laying roads in the Bulgarian region of Dobrich.

After eventually escaping the gang in her digger, and driving it back to the UK, the talented digger driver arrived at a random construction site somewhere in Suffolk. After tidying herself up a bit, she was offered a job on the spot and began digging just the way the Bulgarians had shown (forced) her to do. It was during this period of her career that Hannah perfected the diggering skills that carried her to victory in the Monster Digger tournament.

Fame to pursue

Asked by this reporter whether she would continue in construction, or instead use her newfound fame to pursue a career on TV, perhaps on Love Island, the rosy-cheeked digging champ replied “I’ll stick with digging, thank you very much. Those Love Island lot are just a bunch of desperate, talentless, sell-out tins of beans aren’t they? Digging is the love of my life!”

Aaaaw. Good on you Nicola Griffiths!

Anonymous lottery winner revealed after turning heating on

The Editor
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Anonymous lottery winner revealed after turning heating on
Anonymous lottery winner revealed after turning heating on
Anonymous lottery winner revealed after turning heating on

Poverty-stricken terracers in a scummy street in Felixstowe have rounded on a previously anonymous lottery winner after discovering that their lucky neighbour can now afford to switch on her central heating.

Vicious Cul De Sac

Jealous neighbours of lottery winner (everybody needs good neighbours) in Tomline Road, Felixstowe have rounded on retired nurse, Patty Richardson, 74 whom they claim is refusing to share her heat with them.

As the ‘cost of living crisis heaping endless severe trauma everywhere right now’ (C.O.L.C.H.E.S.T.E.R.) bites, the formerly friendly group of residents of the untidy residential cul de sac, have turned on one another like a vicious pack of shivering coyotes.

Things have got so bad in the street (it’s a road but street sounds better) that one resident, ice cream vendor/van driver Graham Butler, has started a petition to have the harmless, lovely old deary stripped of her fortune and have it re-distributed between the other residents –  including him.

Big Wobbly Bag of Fat

The Suffolk Gazette caught up with an unshaven Butler as he filled up his Mr Whippy dispensing machine from a big wobbly bag of fat.

“Yeah, Patty. Greedy bitch. Why should she be able to keep warm when the rest of us are working hard selling ice cream, or trading on market place, or buying and selling fake antiques?

We’re all skint around here and there she is, turning on her heating and rubbing our cold faces in it. She’s got her rads on full twenty-four seven. You can see the hot steam coming out of her kitchen flu. It’s out of order.”

Pressed further as to why he and the other residents thought friendly Patty had done something wrong, the begrudging lard-ass replied “We all do the lottery around here.

We had an agreement between us – including that old bag, Patty – that if no-one won – no-one would win. And now she’s gone and won.

It’s wrong and we want our share of what’s rightly hers, I mean ours.”

Stick in the Snow

We tried to speak to kindly Patty but she was too terrified to open her front door, so we agreed to write our questions with a stick in the snow on her front garden as she looked out of the window.

She replied by spelling her answers in the steam on the windows caused by the intense heat inside her pretty little terraced chalet.

Some of her words were written back to front but it went something like this…

SG: Are you scared?

PR: .seY

SG: How much did you win?

PR: Six million.

SG: Have you got your heating on full?

PR: .seY

SG: Have you got a message for your neighbours (with a little understanding)

PR: .seY

SG: What is it?

PR: Kiss my warm, hot, sweaty, retired esra.

Wheel barrow sales sky high as Pound crashing

The Editor
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Wheel barrow sales sky high as Pound crashing
Wheel barrow sales sky high ad Pound crashing
Wheel barrow sales sky high ad Pound crashing

Sales of wheel barrows in the UK have hit an all-time high as the fallout from the plummeting UK POUND debacle takes hold.

Barrow Balls

Wheel barrows and ball barrows (the ones with a ball instead of a wheel) are usually reserved for carting heavy stuff around building sites or gardens.

The surge in sales sparked by chancellor Kwasi Kwarteng’s ‘mini-budget-balls-up’ delivered this week to universal disgust across the entire universe, has been put down, not to a rise in garden waste or unwanted rubble, but rather the carrying of cash to supermarkets to pay for basic foodstuffs.

Former Bank of England Deputy Governor Charlie Broadbean told this reporter “We expect the price of staple products such as bread, sugar, milk, bog roll, sardines, and pop tarts to rise by around one million percent.

This is all Kwasi Kwarteng’s fault and has nothing to do with the global economic slowdown, the war in Ukraine, or the associated energy crises.”

Weeping Supermarket Customers

We asked Bob String, managing director of U.K. barrow manufacturer, BLC Barrows Ltd how his business was faring “Barrows are big business at the moment.

Traditionally, our biggest seller is the 85L Contractor (fully bolted) but since the pound tanked, the bigger 110L heavy duty with front-tipping bar is No.1.

It has a galvanized tubular frame which enables it to carry more cash. I don’t really know what galvanized means but I think it’s something to do with it being able to repel the tears of weeping supermarket customers at the check-out.”

With international money markets still reeling from the Tories fiscal blundering, who knows where the unit price of wheelbarrows might stop?

Whatever the number, it is likely to be diametrically opposite to the value of sterling which, at the time of writing, has GBP1.00 valued equivalent to a year’s membership of Cineworld.

David Cameron clenching over ‘Tories’ have done since 2010

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David Cameron clenching over ‘Tories’ have done since 2010
David Cameron clenching
David Cameron at a recent ‘goodbye Boris’ party held at No.10

David Cameron to double check all the good the Tories have done since 2010.

Who is the longest-serving Conservative Party leader since Old Mother Thatcher? John Major? Iain Duncan-Smith? Bill Hague? Guess again… yep, that’s right! None other than dodgy ‘DVD Dave’ Cameron!

Since the recent, humiliating, and totally predictable early-demise of Dave’s old school chum, fellow Bullingdon Ballbag, Boris Johnson – David William Donald ‘where’s your troosers?’ Cameron’s position as ‘King’ of the modern Conservatives is maintained and guaranteed to continue well into the 2030’s. y which time, it is predicted, humans will be able to fly without the aid of machinery.

David Cameron – Camexit

‘King Kong Cameron’ – whose premiership lasted 10 years, 7 months, and 5 days between 2005-2016 – oversaw many, many, many (well… one) great achievement – Brexit – securing his place in history as an ‘okay’ tory leader.

Yes, it was slippery snake-oil salesman and artful dodger, Dave whose bright idea it was to give the people of Britain the ‘Brexit’ referendum – a choice to ‘remain’ within, or ‘leave’ the European Union (Booooo!).

After carefully considering the two options on offer, the ungrateful people of Britain chose a third – get rid of Dave. Sure enough, on the day the referendum result was announced, Cameron declared his resignation and that was the end of him.

Slimy

The former marketing executive and inventor of slick hair slime, Brylcreem is the eighth longest-serving leader of the Tories, shortly behind Thatcher.

The longest-serving is Edward Smith-Stanley, the 14th Earl of Derby who led for almost 22 years between 1846-1868 and who was also a rich, posh, twat.

Bitter Irony Made of Thorns

As is always the case with politicians, especially those who have reached the very top, reputation and self-image are everything.

This was demonstrated at a recent ‘goodbye Boris’ party held at No.10 (how ironic) where ‘David Cameron’ – the charming, yet exceedingly smarmy ex-Prime-cut-of-Beef-Minister, was spotted losing his cool, clenching and pumping his fists in glee at the realization that the modern tory crown of thorns remains his –  for the time being.

Suffolk Hit by fourth case of Bird Flu in a week

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Suffolk Hit by fourth case of Bird Flu in a week
Suffolk Hit by fourth case of Bird Flu in a week
Suffolk Hit by fourth case of Bird Flu in a week

A fourth case of bird flu has been identified in Suffolk in a week.

At least that’s what some chickens have claimed after experiencing mild symptoms such as itchy eyes, runny beaks, and recurring bouts of sneezing. Which could easily have been caused by corn dust.

Over-Egging The Chicken Puns

Just as humans tend to exaggerate what are usually signs of nothing more than a common cold in order to take a couple of days off work. The small roost of fowl residing at Grantham’s Farm in Hadleigh.

Suffolk seems to be over-egging their condition in order to avoid daily farm duties such as laying eggs, cock-a-doodle-dooing, clucking incessantly, and generally wandering around the farm in random and unpredictable directions.

Due to colds and flu sharing many of the same symptoms, it can be difficult to tell the difference between them based on victims’ claims alone.

Bird Flu symptoms can include experiencing fever and/or chills, coughing, sore throat, runny or stuffy nose, muscle or body aches, headaches, and fatigue. Cold symptoms are usually milder.

People or chickens with colds are more likely to have just the basic runny or stuffy nose.

A Whole Bog Roll

Colds generally do not result in serious health problems but are usually accompanied but lots of self-indulgent effing and blinding such as ‘when is this f*ing nose going to stop running. I’ve been through a whole bog roll this week. Or ‘Atchooo! For f*cks sake why won’t Atchooo! This f*ing sneeze just Atchooo! P*ss OFF???!’

Flu, on the other hand, can be a real bitch but, ironically, when claimed by a victim, can lead to a deluge of insincere platitudes (W.C. ‘cliched remarks’) of sympathy from friends, relatives, and – especially – work colleagues.

They Knew Full Well of Bird Flu

Fake Bird Flu claims in animals are not a new phenomenon. The United Kingdom was afflicted with an outbreak of Bovine spongiform encephalopathy (BSE, also known as “mad cow disease”) in the 1980’s.

At the time, the French – world leaders at faking incapacity (See WWII – invasion, and occupation of France) – banned all imports of British beef despite knowing full well that the pandemic was not as serious as they made out.

The outbreak was actually started by a militant herd of cattle who only claimed the condition because they couldn’t be arsed to milk that day.

Unfortunately for the rabble-rousing, cabal of Freesians who organized the revolt, the Government’s solution to their claim for time off work was not a trough of lemsip or a few tablets of Nurofen cold & Flu, but rather their mass slaughter and public cremation.

Thinking of taking an unwarranted day off work? Tell us how you plan to convince your boss by writing to editor@suffolkgazette.com  

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