A militant-extremist lollipop lady was responsible for causing traffic chaos in Ipswich after obstructing vehicles to assist the public crossing a usually busy and dangerous road.
Zebra crossing of no return
Krystyna Kowalczyk, a former toothpaste tube cap tightener from Gdańsk, Poland has been lollipopping the infamous Woodbridge Road Zebra crossing every weekday since 2014, after she and her family moved to the UK. The crossing, nicknamed ‘the Rubicon’ by locals after the river Rubicon crossed by Julius Caesar in 49BC (leading to the ultimate demise of the Roman Empire), is the site of over 80,000 deaths in the last twenty-five years due in part to its faded, virtually invisible white stripes, and the bulb in its Belisha beacon having not been changed since 1982.
Vehicles including, Mini Norfolk electric cars, Suffolk-built Wilko Eco-Buggies, tractors, combine harvesters, and hay balers, regularly speed over the crossing, oblivious to its existence (if only they would do that when I am stuck behind them on the B1077 at Witnesham.)
Former politically moderate traffic warden, Krystyna, told this reporter how she decided to become a militant-extremist lollipop lady to put a stop to the needless deaths of thousands upon thousands of innocent women, children, and toddlers. “I haff been poppink at thees crossink for a long, long time now, and I know how dangerooz eet iss. So I think, why don’t I just close the bleeedink road, full stop. So thees iss what I deed. Mya hussband eee ees a counceel road worker and he let me borrow all thee cones and the fences and the sign to cause my obstruction. I am savink lives.”
Ipswich traffic chaos is usual
The obstructions erected by Kowalczyk, caused traffic chaos during the school run and much of the rest of the day as queues of farm machinery and other rural vehicles attempted to U-turn in the road, prevented as they were from passing the crossing. Amidst the confusion, two chickens were reportedly squashed under a wheel of a slurry tanker.
A spokesperson for the Suffolk Constabulary told reporters that a 48 year-old Polish national was cautioned over a traffic offence, and that access on both sides of the Woodbridge Road had now been restored.