Monday, June 3, 2024

Eat your children to save the planet

Eat your children to save the planet sign

DEFRA, Department for Environment Food & Rural Affairs, has issued guidance that all parents of three children or more should eat at least two of them to save the planet.

The advice comes after ministers decided that the eating of children could be an effective solution to the never-ending, ever-upward-spiralling cost-of-living crisis. The idea being delivered under the campaign banner ‘Eat your children to save the planet’,.effectively ‘kills two children with one stone’ by not only providing cheap, readily available food for the remaining family members,.but also saves parents the costs of running expensive baths and heating draughty bedrooms.

An added benefit is the freeing-up of beds which can be used to house Ukranian refugees seeking a better life in the west fleeing war.

A spokesperson for DEFRA, Lorraine Fisher -34, said that civil servants were hurriedly drafting new laws that,.if passed, will remove all criminal penalties for parents killing their own children,.as long as the slaughter is for culinary purposes only.

Thérèse or Coffey?

The Rt Hon Thérèse Coffey MP, secretary of state for DEFRA said “I do not have children myself,.but if I did, I’m sure I would do the patriotic thing and eat them. Personally, I would probably marinade them in paprika and orange juice,.and serve them up with rosemary & garlic-infused roasties, and six veg.”

Labour’s Shadow Secretary of State for DEFRA, Jim McMahomahamon,.said in a spluttering speech in the house of commons,.“But we in the Labour-ish party have been calling for children to be butchered for years. (here-here, yeah yes, yes) This tired (yeah), tawdry (yuuuurg),. Tory government (yaaaa!) has had twenty-five years to do something about this issue, and what have they done?

Absolutely nothing, say it again… Tories… uh. Whoa whoa whoa whoa yeah, what are they good for? Absolutely NOTHING! Say it again… Tories… (uh). Whoa whoa whoa whoa yeah, what are they good for? Absolutely NOTHING! (yes, yea, here-here, uuuurg YAAAARGH!)” OR-DER!!!!

🤞 Get our stories on email

Receive awesome content in your inbox, every week.

We don’t spam! Read more in our privacy policy

Be a shining star, follow us on Twitter!