Tuesday, April 2, 2024

Trash-talking trash spoils Valentine’s night in

Trash-talking trash spoils Valentine's night in
Trash-talking trash spoils Valentine’s night in

Romantic Valentine’s day dinner, planned by a Suffolk man as a surprise for his plain but befitting wife, was ruined by the incessant rude interruptions of a trash-talking monster formed of potato peelings and spent tea-light candles.

When Deidre Caldecott (51) arrived home from wherever she had been on February 15th – Valentine’s Night. The last thing she expected was for her husband, Graham, to have laid on a sumptuous meal of baked potato with tuna, home-heated rice pudding, and cheese and biscuits, but that’s exactly what she got… and less.

An uncomfortable Valentine’s Night

After Deidre had changed into something more uncomfortable, the two former lovebirds took their seats at opposite corners of the slightly wobbly IKEA dining table. By mutual, unspoken agreement, they decided to sit in silence and gaze past one another into the ill-defined middle distance.

The oppressive atmosphere they had created, amplified by the lack of mood music (an oversight on Graham’s part) was suddenly broken by the sound of someone loudly whispering what sounded like… ‘UGLY BITCH’ from the general direction of the kitchenette. Forced from their apathy, the two endlessly married strangers.

Briefly acknowledged the other’s existence with a momentary, acrimonious glance, before returning dolefully to their spuds. Shortly after the somber tête-à-tête had resumed, the asphyxiating atmosphere was once again punctured by the same anonymous voice, this time muttering sardonically “DRY VAG”.

The un-wanted situation

At this unprovoked vulgarity, the estranged couple had no choice but to communicate. At first, Deidre opted for body language. After shuffling in her chair, and straightening her back, she confidently flicked the bangs of her long, greying, brown hair from her corrugated brow with the bony fingers of her liver-spotted right hand.

Then, with the palms of both hands, she slowly, and disdainfully pushed her unfinished plate toward her sheepish husband. The rising tension in the room was causing pearls of warm sweat which, filled with the refracted light emanating from the table, resembled dislodged golden bogies to accumulate on Graham’s quivering, mustachioed top lip.

Here comes the snow flake

Deliberately avoiding eye contact with the increasingly nervous man in front of her, Deidre twisted a peak into her heavy cotton napkin, and with it, dabbed her already dry lips at both corners of her thin, elongated mouth. After theatrically dropping the napkin onto her discarded plate, Deidre went in for the kill.

Resting freshly crossed arms in the space she had created on the edge of the table, she leaned forward, and fixed Graham with a cold hard stare accompanied by a generous side-serving of well-done cat’s arse mouth. Graham winced.

Ignoring the frantic shouts of “PISS BREATH”, and “MISERABLE OLD COW” coming from the kitchenette, and pressing home her advantage, the truculent spouse exclaimed “F*ck you, AND you’re ventriloquism, Graham. I’m going to my sister’s for dinner.”

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