No Pumping and No Jumping on Pornofruit’s Bouncy Castle
Pumping and Jumping have been banned on Pornofruit’s new Bouncy Castle.
Regular readers of the Suffolk Gazette will be familiar with the Pornofruit Greengrocers shop in Saxmundham, Suffolk. The shop opened a state-of-the-art children’s playground in October to entertain customers’ kids while they shop for pornofruit. Some of the rides and slides in the playground have been criticized for being too adult in design, forcing the ‘fruity’ fruit seller to provide alternative amusements.
Just a12ft inflatable male member
Pornofruit owner & manageress, Lolita Feelgood (65) told this reporter ”Since you last came to review our coc’n’nuts bouncy castle, business has been up, but we did receive a few complaints from some local, old-aged whingers about the design of the castle. I don’t know what all the fuss was about. I mean it was just a12ft inflatable male member and two enormous squishy testicles. Without a big fat cock, none of the bloody kids would even be here would they?”
Just a 4ft male member
However, under pressure from a male member of the Saxmundham branch of morality campaign group Residents AGainst Everything (RAGE), Feelgood was forced to make changes.
The old coc’n’nuts bouncy castle has been dismantled and a new one, which meets with the morality restrictions imposed by RAGE, installed. Gone are the references to cocks, balls, nuts, etc which have been replaced by inoffensive images of familiar Disney characters.
Feelgood, however, feels that one of the restrictions is too punitive and defeats the object of having a bouncy castle in the first place. The ‘no jumping’ rule was part of the deal agreed between her and RAGE. “It’s bloody ridiculous isn’t it? I mean, what’s the point? You may as well just have the kids rolling around on the floor. I think it’s just jealousy. The miserable old sods at RAGE just can’t stand anyone else having a good time. Especially that Robert Newsance – the crusty old Colonel who runs the show down there. No jumping? Nothing to do with the fact that he’s in a wheelchair having had his legs blown off in WWII? Yeah right. Coiincidence? I don’t think so!”
Mention ‘Suffolk Gazette’ at Pornofruit Greengrocers shop in Saxmundham in December and get a 50% discount off of all ‘Reindeer Nuts’ and ‘Santa’s Frosted Goolies’ purchases.
The poor of Suffolk will be decorating their homes for Christmas with mould this year.
Due, in part, to the never-ending, ever-upward-spiralling cost-of-living crisis, hard-up families of the working,.lower-working, and under classes of Suffolk who cannot afford proper, shiny decorations (even from Wilko) will resort to allowing Stachybotrys Chartarum (Black Mould) to adorn their living rooms, hallways and bedrooms in celebration of the birth of Christ, or more likely, the purchase of a new flat-screen TV.
Ghost of Christmas present
Household mould or mildew will also be seen in Suffolk’s poorer areas and sink estates, especially around the windows. In this way, the poor-but-proud inhabitants can signal to neighbours and passers-by alike that,.like the Cratchit family from Charles Dicken’s classic ‘A Christmas Carol’, desperate poverty will not prevent them from celebrating Christmas along with the rest of us – albeit in a scummier, more unappealing way.
Ouvre la fenêtre
Another reason for the adoption of mould over decorations by impoverished families this Yuletide,.is the inability of uneducated, poor folk to deal with mould and mildew at source. The internet, which has been accessible in homes since 1995,.has lots of tips and tricks which can help prevent or treat the problem. Most people know by now,.that good ventilation (opening a window) is important to allow water to evaporate outside rather than accumulate inside the home. Anti-mould paints can be used in problem areas to protect surfaces as can mould-killing sprays. Even basic household bleach (Aldi, Domestos Thick Bleach Original 750ml £1.15) can be an effective mould deterrent on nonporous surfaces, like tiles and sinks.
Jesus Christ Almighty
In common with the ancient Romans who celebrated Saturnalia – the pagan festival honouring the agricultural god Saturn – in mid-December, the workshy of Suffolk will also celebrate a Christmas with zero references to Jesus Christ, God or the Christian religion in general. Food, alcohol, TV, plastic, American romcoms, disco dancing and overpriced gaming consoles are predicted to again be the focus of Christmas celebrations among the penniless (apart from the money they have stolen) scum of Suffolk.
The Suffolk Gazette would like to wish the deserving poor of Suffolk, a very happy, wet Christmas!
With just a few months to go before the upcoming 2023 IPL (Indian Premier League) season starts,.the betting season for one of the most competitive cricket leagues in the world will also soon be underway. If you’re looking to place a real money wager on any upcoming IPL cricket matches, and if you’re based in India, then you’ve come to the right place. Here is a closer look at one of today’s best Indian sports betting websites.
Where’s best to place a wager on the IPL if I live in India?
There are lots of different sports betting websites out there today,.but one of the best online sports betting sites for Indians is the 10CRIC Sports betting website,.which also has hundreds of online casino games, cutting-edge live dealer games, and in-play betting services. Cricket IPL betting markets for the upcoming 2023 season will soon be available,.but if you fancy placing a wager on any other cricket matches in the meantime, don’t forget that you can also now find a wide range of betting markets with competitive odds for several other major cricket leagues from around the world.
For example, right now at 10CRIC, you can find reasonably priced odds for the following:
Some of the main bet types that you can generally find odds for include odd/even bets, number of runs/innings bets, outright match winner bets, top team batsmen bets, over/under score bets, top batsmen/batter bets, tied match, top bowler, dismissal method, and certain players to score 25, 50, 75, or 100 runs, to name just a few popular bet types. The odds are displayed in the European decimal odds format, which works as follows.
Let’s just say that you want to place a wager on, for example, the West Indies Tour of Australia Test in the Australia Vs West Indies match. You may find at the start of the match that Australia are priced at 1.20 to win the match outright and that the West Indies are priced at 21.00 to win outright. In other words, this means that Australia are the clear odds-on favourite team to win the match and that it would be a more sensible bet to put your money on Australia and NOT on the West Indies to win.
In UK fractional odds, Australia’s European decimal odds of 1.20 equates to 1/5, and in American/moneyline odds, it equates to -500, which also means that this bet has an 83.3% implied probability (most likely to return you a profit). The West Indies’ 21.00 European decimal odds of winning equates to 20/1 in UK fractional odds and +2,000 in American/moneyline odds, which is just a 4.8% implied probability rate (least likely to return you a profit). This is why understanding the odds is extremely important before placing a bet.
A closer look at the 10CRIC Sports welcome bonus
If you sign up to the 10CRIC Sports website today, you can claim three generous matching deposit bonuses on your first real money deposits. Just remember to use the bonus code ‘WELCOME’ when making your first deposit, ‘WELCOME2’ when making your second deposit, and ‘WELCOME3’ when making your third deposit. The bonus codes must be entered correctly into the required field; otherwise, you will miss out on your match bonus offers.
You must deposit at least ₹1,000 on your first, second, and third deposits to qualify for the instant matching deposit bonus. On your first and second deposits, you can double up both times thanks to a guaranteed 100% match bonus worth up to ₹30,000, and then on your third deposit, you can get another 50% match bonus worth ₹40,000. If you can afford it, maximising each deposit will see you pocket up to an incredible ₹100,000.
In comparison, when depositing the minimum amount each time, it means that you will net up to just ₹3,000 in free bonus cash. On top of your three-tier matching deposit welcome bonus offer, each new player’s account will also be credited with up to 10 Free Spins to play the Idol of Fortune slot from Play’n GO.
How do I deposit at 10CRIC
After you have filled out the online registration form and your new 10CRIC account has been activated, the next thing to do is log in to your account and head to the cashier section so that you can deposit and start placing real money bets. The reputable operator of 10CRIC accepts a wide range of perfectly secure payment options that are really popular in India, and some of the most secure, reliable, and convenient payment methods that are currently accepted at 10CRIC include the following:
MasterCard credit and debit cards
Visa credit and debit cards
e-Wallets, such as Skrill, eeZeeWallet and NETELLER
Astro Pay
Paytm
ecoPayz
Cryptocurrencies, such as BitCoin and Ethereum
10CRIC is fully licensed in Curacao, and it’s controlled by a reputable operator with a great reputation. You may also be pleased to learn that the website is protected 24 hours per day by what is known as SSL (Secure Socket Layer) encryption technology for that added level of security. In other words, you don’t ever have to worry about your money or personal information being stolen or sold to the highest bidder.
As well as being able to bet on the IPL and the other major cricket leagues from around the world at 10CRIC, you can also now place a wager on more than 30 other sports, plus you can find eSports betting and Virtual Sports betting. Some of the top sports that you can bet on right now are Formula 1 Racing, MMA and Boxing, Rugby League, Rugby Union, Kabaddi, Tennis, Table Tennis, Soccer/Football, American Football, Aussie Rules Football, Badminton, and Golf.
If that’s not enough to keep you going, then you may also like to check out the latest betting markets for Water Polo, Snooker, Cycling, Volleyball, Basketball, Baseball, Floorball, Handball, Ice Hockey, and Darts. You can sign up to 10CRIC for free from any modern smartphone, tablet, laptop, or desktop device with internet/Wi-Fi connectivity, and the online registration process generally takes less than a minute to complete.
Four jumps racing stars who disappointed on their seasonal reappearances
The 2022-23 jumps racing season is in full flow, with all roads already leading to the Cheltenham Festival in March as the stars of the show begin to be turned out by the big-name trainers in a bid to get them in tip-top shape for the four-day Prestbury Park thriller next year.
Not all the top horses have managed to hit the ground running, however, with some of the ante-post favourites in the horse racing betting odds failing to hit the ground running in their much-anticipated seasonal reappearances — much to the disappointment of the punters who had them in their trackers or turned up at the course to see a star in action.
While there is still plenty of time to turn their form around before the Festival, it’s not a good look to have a blemish on your race record. So, with that said, read on as a take a look at four horses who disappointed on their first outings of this campaign.
Honeysuckle
The biggest shock of this season thus far arguably came at Fairyhouse earlier this month, as Honeysuckle’s 16-race unbeaten record came to an abrupt end in the Hatton’s Grace Hurdle — a Grade 1 contest she has won on three previous occasions.
Not many horses have the ability to make a racecourse fall silent, but when the Henry de Bromhead-trained mare had nothing left to give after the final hurdle, falling back to third behind Teahupoo and Klassical Dream, the crowd at Fairyhouse was in shock.
Frustratingly for jumps racing fans, it puts her blockbuster clash with Constitution Hill at next year’s Champion Hurdle in serious doubt.
A Plus Tard
It hasn’t been the best of starts to the season for history-maker Rachael Blackmore, with just one win in her last 24 rides at the time of writing, and she was aboard 2022 Cheltenham Gold Cup winner A Plus Tard as he disappointed at Haydock last month.
Also from De Bromhead’s Knockeen stable, the Cheveley Park Stud-owned horse looked like a good pick to spend your free bet offers on to retain his Gold Cup crown in March. The 1/2F for the Betfair Chase, a race the eight-year-old won by 22 lengths last year, A Plus Tard was pulled up three out.
As a result, A Plus Tard has dropped back to third in the Gold Cup betting — coming in behind Galopin Des Champs and L’Homme Presse.
Shishkin
After looking far from his best when he amazingly came from behind to beat Energumene in the Clarence House Chase at Ascot last January before being pulled up in the Queen Mother Champion Chase at Cheltenham, Nicky Henderson confirmed that they had discovered Shishkin had a rare bone condition.
However, after a 262-day break, the eight-year-old returned to action for the Tinkle Creek at Sandown earlier this month and there was a lot of fanfare surrounding his reappearance. But it wasn’t his day, being kicked by another horse at the start before finishing third after an inarticulate run by his high standards.
Shishkin is now way back at 16/1 for the Queen Mother, behind Energumene, Tinkle Creek winner Edwardstone and Ferny Hallow.
Bob Olinger
Unfortunately for De Bromhead and Blackmore, the duo feature on this list for a third time — making you wonder if they are about to go through a transitional period at Knockeen after a meteoric rise to the top of the sport in the last few seasons.
Bob Olinger has been another of their star names in that time, winning twice at the Cheltenham Festival, albeit being handed some luck as Galopin Des Champs fell at the final hurdle when well clear at the last in the Turners Novices’ Chase back in March.
The seven-year-old was reverted back to hurdles this year, but came second on his second debut over the obstacles — finishing two lengths behind Home By The Less in the Grade 2 Lismullen Hurdle at Navan.
When the crypto market drops and lives through its bear trend, many people consider buying crypto assets and holding them until the trend changes in the opposite direction and the prices climb up. That is a wise decision, unlike what most people do – when the market grows, they massively buy coins, and when the market drops – they withdraw. All the matter is in buying assets at a low price and selling them at a much higher price, and that is how the income on the crypto market formed.
In this article, we will talk about one worthy crypto asset and explain why it is a good idea to add this coin to your investment portfolio during this bear market period. So, greet Dash crypto.
Dash Essence and Dash Price
When we analyze any crypto project, the first thing we pay attention to is price, market capitalization and technology, that is, the application and usefulness of the project. Created as a fork of Litecoin, Dash is a platform for instant and cheap currency conversion and delivery to any point in the globe while maintaining the total anonymity of a person who conducts transactions.
Dash cryptocurrency price is $41.43, trade volume exceeds $77 million, and the market cap is over $456 million (the end of November 2022).
Key things about Dash:
Run by masternodes
Total decentralization
Based on the Proof-of-Stake mechanism
Low-cost currency transactions
Support for cash, PayPal
Speedy payments.
Looking at Dash’s technology, we can say that it can really boost its user base in the future and approach the market leaders, so it is definitely worth buying Dash crypto.
Looking at the Dash chart, we can see that the Dash coin price declined over the past year against the backdrop of the entire market drop. However, crypto analysts claim the Dash cryptocurrency price can reach $109 in 2023. So take your chance to buy Dash now, as its price is affordable, and you are welcome to the WhiteBIT crypto platform for trading and investment.
The M4 motorway has become a cow trafficking hot spot according to Welsh police.
Wales, which only has one breed of cow – Welsh Black cattle.– has become a hotbed of cow trafficking as Welsh farmers seek to expand their cow breeding capabilities.
Daily numbers of up to 50 Jersey, Friesian, Aberdeen Angus, and other cow types are being intercepted.on their way to Wales by Welsh cow police as they seek to stem the influx of ‘foreign’.cows being illegally smuggled into Wales by European cow trafficking and smuggling gangs.
Welsh cow deficit
Cows, also known as ‘cattle’ are scarce in Wales due to Welsh farmers’ obsession with sheep. European Cattle smuggling gangs are exploiting this cow deficit by ferrying-in cows.from across Europe on small boats specially reinforced with cattle grids, under the noses of bent French border police who couldn’t cow less.
According to Welsh police, the ‘bovine boat people’ (animals) make their way across the English Channel from Jersey,.an island that is over-abundant in cattle. Jersey cows are considered the prettiest of cow breeds by those who like their cows a warm beige colour,.but are generally disregarded as attractive by those who prefer their cow skins to be a combination of black and white blotchy patches.
What is your favourite cow type?
Other cow breeds of the beige/brown/red variety being smuggled into Wales via the M4.– sometimes in the back of family hatchbacks – include, The Red Angus, The Limousin, and the Hereford – although the latter tends to display a white face which can be, when viewed up close or in photographs, upsetting to cow purists and small children.
Boringest Cow
Probably the most boring cow to have been intercepted on its way to Wales is the Red Poll breed. Red Polls are basically brown, with a large rear end and no horns. They are s a dual-purpose breed developed in England in the latter half of the 19th century and are a cross of the Norfolk Red beef cattle and Suffolk Dun dairy cattle breeds. In other words, Red Polls are NFN.
Tesco has released its range of ‘all-year-round’ gift products – that last for 365 days a year!
Designed as an antidote to today’s environmentally friendly ‘reusable’ gifts, and aiming to provide value at the expense of longevity for friends, family, and loved ones, the volumous gifts are sure to make a lasting impression – on the lifespan of the planet.
The ‘one-a-day’ disposable Tesco Xmas gift range includes:-
‘Wear’n’chuck’ plain black socks
x 365 pairs (£36.50). Perfect for dad at Xmas as they are holy. Come in variety of cheese flavours.
Toothbrushes preloaded with toothpaste
x 365 (£36.50). Use once, gob out spit, and chuck. Made in Taiwan from harmful microplastics.
Vented plastic hairbrushes
x 365 (£36.50). Eliminates the problem of congealed hair-gather between the bristles. Use it once to groom and prim, then chuck it straight in the bin (not the recycling).
One-a-day door keys
x 365 (£36.50). Nickel-brass mixture. Don’t bother trying not to lose your keys. Just close the door behind you and sling the key in the bushes on your way out. Pick up another one from the box when you return home and let yourself in. NB Product materials will degrade after 1,000 years.
12 Piece Porcelain Dinner Set
x 365 (). Includes 4,380 dinner plates, side plates, and cereal bowls, all crafted from porcelain. Microwaveable safe for ease of use. NB DISHWASHER UNSAFE. Don’t bother washing. Just chuck ‘em out of the kitchen window or dump them in your neighbours’ front garden. Sorted.
See the full range at www.tescocheapshitkillingtheplanet.com/365daysayear
A pub in West Suffolk has notified neglectful, ‘scummy’ patrons that their unattended children will be served energy drinks and encouraged to swear. And who can blame them?
What is worse than being in a pub on a Friday afternoon, getting hammered with your mates, than the sight of a snot-nosed kid, wandering around, spilling cheese & onion crisps all over the carpet, looking for its mummy so it can have a go on the fruit machine?
Just take them home FFS!
You had your chance. You were young – without kids. The whole world was your oyster, but you let down your guard, and now you have kids. Not our problem. Deal with it… preferably at home.
Scummy Parents
You made your bed, now lie in it – with your multiple annoying kids. Take them home and read them a bedtime story for once. Curl up with them, cuddle them and tell them as they, listen, spellbound, how their grandad was a hero in the Navy in the second world war. He wasn’t of course. He was a draft-dodging, alcoholic gambler who never did an honest day’s work in his life, but what the hell. Lying to kids is normal. We all do it. Take Santa Clause for example. As if! A big fat 60-year-old obsessed with sneaking into children’s bedrooms after dark to leave them presents? WTF? Who thought that up?
The soft play area is closed
So… keep your kids at home this Christmas instead of bringing them to the pub. Take them to the cinema to see Arthur Christmas III. We don’t want them – or you – in our grown-up boozers, where we play darts, pool, and ‘guess the barmaid’s bra size’. We don’t want to see you struggling to heave your double pushchair over the hearth of the pub door, adorned with all its kiddie paraphernalia – rattles, comfort blankets, nappy bags and dropped soft toys, etc. We don’t want to wait behind you at the bar as you loudly and incompetently attempt to order chicken nuggets and chips for your eight kids with two Orange and Passion Fruit J2O’s, four Apple Fruit Shoots, one Coke, and a lemonade… FFS. Isn’t Mothercare still open?
Having said that…
We at the Suffolk Gazette, love children and would like to take this opportunity to wish each and every one of them a very, very merry Christmas!
